God Envy

You gifted me with life, knowledge,
yet it was through my search for truth
that I gave you envy in return --
of your immmortality,
of your power to breathe life into the dust,
to birth whole worlds, stars, galaxies.

Our likeness became my curse --
a longing, to create something from nothing --
then my realization
that this frail, fleeting child
would never be your equal.

While I struggle to paint a sunset,
an infinitude of eyes, on other worlds,
drink in the gentle twilights
you will into being.

I might console myself
that you're too busy, too important
to understand my smallness,
but you have the luxury of eternity
to slip between my heart's
imprisoning cells
and understand my deepest dreams.
You know my every quantum state
and are more forgiving
than the gentlest mother.

By now, half my life is over,
and I've grow weary of this sulking.
I seek my source -- you,
of whom I've starved myself too long
behind a cold, dark wall of hubris.

Please, boost me up and over,
that I might stand in your light,
proud, not envious, to be your child.

Scott Speck
02/02/2002