Scott You lay swaddled in nursery blankets vulnerable, helpless contemplative smile upon your face as I waved silently from behind glass I gave you evening bottles burped you gently to yawns within pajamas soft and warm rocked you to sleep watched you dream from crib's edge I held book in hand as you struggled to read one word, then a sentence in another year I stood by you devouring books about dinosaurs, stars, alien worlds We played basketball called shots at HORSE until dark walked home together bragging each victory beheld spectacular sunsets glowing autumn skies We became best friends argued astronomy, God, morality wondered at planets' shimmering counted stars shooting sighed at Milky Way spread across dark skies at a mountain cabin We shared books, read poetry listened to musical masterpieces walked along forest paths upon windswept beaches, waves crashing stood in line for Star Wars, Star Trek worked the yard until we collapsed Then off you went to college I cried after leaving you there my hopes, dreams borne anew you learned, achieved grew from boy to man I was so proud of you But it finally happened one day when you returned told me you didn't believe in God the God of our tradition you were drinking beer arrogant, disregarding You rejected my ways scoffed at what I held sacred fancied yourself beyond me and other fools who knew their God you had found intellectualism I had to step aside You had learned too much deterministic universe cold, loveless starlight reflected in your eyes I lost my deepest friendship that day On to graduate school gone for months at a time studying cosmic powers secrets I envied not knowing Sent you letters each day heart growing lonely and bitter I tried to let go after giving you my all my essence which merged with your mother's gave birth to you my own flesh and blood son You were my favorite we understood each other better than anyone Though you fell from my grace it was I who fell first bitter to lose you from my life I dreamt of a day when you would finish your studies find a wife, start a family resume life near me so we could be friends again but it never happened Instead you foundered your studies incomplete shacked up with a woman you later married, to live far away while I grew old, miserable, health failing The day you got married I finally set you free you had a better friend in her I envied her and stood apart while you forgot my love I gave up the fight Six years later you were divorcing life chaotic and in tatters your learning failed you there I had known she was wrong for you but then you're beyond me though my first marriage is still intact Meanwhile, your grandparents wither wondering why you rarely visit thinking you don't care I rush them to hospitals needing your help here, at home more than once a year These days I barely hear from you recall days like timeworn dreams when you slept in my arms we shot basketball together marveled at God and Universe I thought it could never end but it did... Scott Speck 1998
