GOOFY TREK, PART 13, BY Scott Speck

Captain's Log, Stardate 19951016: For some strange and inexplicable reason, we have just recovered a stray cat from the bowels of an orbital ship wash station. Bones narrowly saved the little guy's life, and he's expected to make a full recovery. The crew has unanimously agreed to keep the cat as our newest permanent crewmate.

Scene opens on the bridge. Everyone is seated at their stations. Bones is monitoring the life signs of the cat, who lounges on a small, soft chair next to Bones' medical station. The cat is mostly brown and black, with white chest, white paws, and stripes on his coat. He looks very tired, and he yawns, exposing his sparsely placed teeth.

Bones: We have to decide on a name for this little guy.

Kirk: I had a dream last night, about my brother, on Alpha Centauri.

Uhura: You mean your brother Sam?

Kirk: Yeah. In the dream, he said that he had always wished he had had the chance to see me again, before he lost his life to those plastic puke puddle creatures that destroyed the planet.

Uhura: Maybe we could name the cat Sam, to remind you of your brother.

Kirk looks up suddenly at her, a grin appearing on his face.

Kirk: Then SAM he is!

Bones: I have a lot of work to do for this poor boy.

Scotty: What're you plannin', Doctor McCoy?

Bones: First, I plan to get his weight back up. Then, I want to redo his teeth. After that, a general body recondition is in order, including a deep fur cleaning. He'll be purrin' 24 hours a day when I get done with 'em. This reminds me of the CAT I had as a boy, down in the BAYOU. I became the amateur, neighborhood VET. Everyone brought me their dogs, cats, even 'possums and pet SNAPpers. I kept 'em in tip-top health!

Uhura: We're really lucky to have found him.

Chekov: The ship's computer identifies Sam as a TABBY, Keptin. And, I'm proud to say, that he is of the KREMLIN variety of tabby.

Chekov smiles proudly.

Sulu: He looks more like a Chinese Tabby!

Chekov: Does NOT!

Sulu: Does TOO!

Chekov: Does NOT!

Sulu: Does TOO!

Sam meows protestingly, until both crewmen shut up.

Kirk: Now that we have our new crewman aboard, where should we go next? Since we've slain that infernal planet killer, I wouldn't mind relaxing for a while.

Uhura: I've found an interesting looking place, in the yellow pages, Captain. If we're interested in a little R&R, we could check out Bippy's Interstellar Pub.

Kirk: Any showgirls?

Uhura: (rolling her eyes) Probably, if this place is the only major club near this star system.

Kirk: Let's HEAD 'em out, then! Mr. Sulu, take the coordinates from Uhura's com station, and lay in a course, warp 6.

Sulu: Aye, Cap'n.

Kirk: What's our ETA?

Sulu: 14 hours, 10 minutes, Cap'n.

Kirk: Well, I'm gonna get some shut eye.

Sing-Songy music as we see the Enterprise entering warp, bound for Bippy's Pub.

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Captain's Log, Stardate 19951019: We have just moored our ship near Bippy's Pub, and we are beaming there presently. Bones has stayed behind to continue the re-conditioning of Sam the cat, who has already returned to healthfulness, thanks to Bones' amazing medical skills.

Scene opens in a huge nightclub, with high dome ceiling, rotating mirror balls, bouncing lasers, pounding disco music, and thousands of bizarre-looking aliens, all of them either dancing or grabbing drinks at a huge, central circular bar. On a transporter pad along one wall of the nightclub, Kirk and crew materialize. They look about the place to get their bearings.

Kirk (shouting): This place is really LOUD.

Everyone nods silently in agreement.

Scotty: Let's go grab a DRINK, Captain. I could really use a belt o' SCOTCH!

Chekov: And I could use a shot of WOODKA, Keptin.

They step off of the pad, just as several aliens materialize. They look like large purple squids, with glowing orange eyes. Kirk leads the way through the sardine-packed crowd, toward the gigantic bar. As they near the bar, we see the four dozen octopus-limbed bartenders, dressed in tuxedo-like outfits, as they work busily to satisfy the customers.

Each crewmember finally orders a drink, which an octo-bartender prepares in the blink of an eye.

Kirk sips on a fizzing blue liquid, as Scotty gulps down mouthfuls of Scotch. Spock has purchased a glowing, yellow drink, which fills a tiny shot glass. He sips the drink gingerly.

Uhura: What kind of drink is THAT, Mr. Spock?

Spock: A Romulan Illuminatus Fizz. When working as a secret agent on Romulus, I became quite addicted to these drinks.

Uhura: I never thought I'd see the day. I got a Kirillian palm drink. It's not too bad, actually.

Uhura gingerly sips the foaming green liquid.

The current disco song ends, and the dancers all clap their hands and stomp their feet. A voice sounds over the sound system.

Voice: And that was the Gee-Bee's, playing their latest hit, Keepin' Alive. I have a special 356'th birthday greeting for Mahonian Gilbey Iverstaff.

Kirk: That's a long time to live!

Spock: Of course, it all depends upon the length of the year, Captain.

Kirk: True. But I had heard rumors that the Federation might create a standard "year", enabling more accurate time references between races.

Scotty: What year are they talkin' about usin'?

Kirk: The EARTH year, of course. It would be easier for Starfleet HQ.

Suddenly, from amidst the conversing, laughing, milling crowd, we hear a screaming voice.

Screamer: Long live the FIGHTERS!!!!!! End the captivity of Helikos V, or continue to reap the rewards of your deeds!

Everyone begins screaming as we see a man, dressed in a black cloak (with hood drawn over his head) and holding a flashing, red sphere in one hand.

Sulu: That looks like an antimatter detonator, Cap'n!

Kirk whips out his communicator.

Kirk (whispering): Bones!

Bones: Yeah, Chim, what's up?

Kirk: Lock on to our communicator signals and beam us to the bridge. NOW!

Bones: I'll request it from the computer. It'll be faster that way.

We see Kirk and crew dematerialize, drinks in their hands. Flash to the Enterprise bridge, where they appear.

Kirk: Sulu, get us OUTA here, MAXIMUM warp!

Bones is sitting at his console, Sam asleep in his lap.

Bones: What 'n the blazes HAPPENED over there?

Kirk: Some goofball is armed with an antimatter grenade!

Everyone is now at their stations.

Sulu: All moorings are cleared, Cap'n. Easing out at full thruster-fire.

Kirk: To HELL with thrusters. Engage half-impulse.

Sulu looks at him nervously but obeys. Chekov is biting his knuckles as the Enterprise pulls quickly out of space dock.

Sulu: Now clearing the dock.

Kirk: Warp two, NOW.

External view shows the Enterprise leaping into warp, leaving behind the gigantic, silvery, neon-sign covered, Saturn-shaped nightclub. Just as the ship enters warp, the nighclub explodes in a furious flash of white light.

Uhura: My GOD! It exploded!

Dramatic music as Kirk buries his face in his hands, sweat pouring from his forehead. Even more dramatic music as Sulu suddenly vanishes from the bridge, at which point Uhura covers her mouth and screams.

**************** ****************

Captain's Log, Stardate 19951023: After witnessing the destruction of Bippy's Pub by antimatter-grenade- wielding terrorists, my navigator, Mr. Sulu, suddenly and inexplicably vanished. We are now affecting a search for him, since, otherwise, I don't know HOW we could find our way around this Galaxy.

Scene opens on the bridge, with everyone watching Spock, as he gazes into the blue glow of the sensor reader. Uhura is dobbing her eyes with a handkerchief, and Chekov is biting his knuckles with anxiety.

Chekov: Keptin, I hope we can find him again. I would feel terrible if we couldn't. I should have been nicer to him, and not argued about every little detail of navigation.

Kirk: That's okay. We aren't beaten yet, right Mr. Spock?

Spock looks away from the sensor readouts.

Spock: At this time, I have no insights to offer into the disappearance of Mr. Sulu. The ship's sensors can detect no spatial distortions, unusual particle fluxes, or anomalous fields. I am assuming that an alien intelligence captured him for unknown reasons. Because we can detect no unusual spatial signature left behind by the matter transport, I would conjecture that the technique utilized by the aliens would be one of two types.

Bones: Well, OUT with it, SPOCK!!!!!

Spock: If a non-hyperspatial transporter were used, then Sulu was probably not transported over a very large distance. The other possibility has graver implications. If a hyperspatial transporter were used, it would leave behind no detectable signature, and Sulu could lie anywhere within this universe.

Kirk looks suspiciously at the star and several planets now visible in the distance, millions of miles beyond the former location of Bippy's Pub.

Scotty: I can't BELIEVE that some incredible intelligence would waste the energy to hyperspatially transport Mistah Sulu, Captain Kirk! He's GOTTA be on one 'o those PLANETS!

Sam the cat scampers across the deck and approaches Sulu's console. He jumps up onto Sulu's chair and then climbs halfway onto the control panel. His front paws are resting on the edge of the console as he gazes at the viewer.

Bones: Chim, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that CAT was tryin' to tell us somethin'!

Sam meows with agitation and turns to look momentarily at Bones, before returning his attention to the viewer.

Kirk: Spock, perform a sensor sweep of the planetary system dead ahead.

We hear the whir of the sensors, as the blue light flashes across Spock's eyes.

Spock: A class GVI star lies ahead. Several cometary and asteroid belts, as well as three planets, orbit the star. The two outermost worlds are jovian planets, with severe weather conditions and high surface gravities. The innermost planet is class M, with an oxygen/nitrogen atmosphere, active tectonic plates, and a strange energy signature.

Kirk: What KIND of energy signature?

Spock: Gravimetric disturbances are emanating from the planet, accompanied by multi-harmonic, sinusoidal-amplitude variational muonic particle fluxes.

Kirk: Mister Chekov, plot a course for that planet, full impulse.

Chekov sniffles as he tearfully moves Sam away from the control panel and lays in the course, to attempt to find his lost friend and bickering partner.

Chekov: We will arrive in orbit in 23 minutes, 11 seconds.

Kirk: Very good. In the meantime, raise shields, and power all weapons systems.

Chekov gets a sudden gleam in his red, puffy eyes. His fingers dance across the control panel, and numerous lights begin to glow and flicker on the panel.

Chekov: Ready for BETTLE, Keptin!

Everyone nervously watches the viewer, on which we can see their destination, a planet with brown land masses, blue oceans, and swirly white clouds, growing larger in the viewer.

Sam the cat suddenly jumps down from Sulu's console chair and nervously runs across the deck, as fast as his little paws will take him.

Dramatic music as Chekov suddenly vanishes from the bridge, whereupon Uhura covers her mouth and screams.

**************** ****************

Captain's Log, Stardate 19951024: We have just attained orbit around a class-M planet which is emitting bizarre gravimetric and muonic fluxes. As of now, I have lost my navigator and my weapons officer. Who's next? Bones, Uhura? It had BETTER not be Spock, or, even worse, myself.

Scene opens on the bridge, where Uhura has taken Sulu's station and Spock is taking sensor readings. On the viewer, we see the earth-like planet, scrolling beneath the Enterprise. The planet, normally occupying the precise lower half of the viewer, is now filling the upper right corner of the screen.

Uhura: I'm sorry, Captain. I'm not used to navigating these days. Mr. Sulu is able to line the planets up at the BOTTOM of the viewer all of the time.

Kirk: Don't worry about it. I kind of LIKE the upper-right-hand-corner thing. Spock, anything on sensors?

Spock: The strange gravimetric pulses continue, Jim. However, the muonic particle flux has decreased by 36.7%. The particle fluxes originate from the precise geographical north pole, and the gravimetric readings are centered near the north pole, but several miles below the planetary surface.

Bones: I'd bet tiddly-winks to navy beans that Sulu and Chekov are down there, near the north pole!

Uhura: They could FREEZE to death if we don't get to them soon.

Spock: They are in no danger of freezing, Lieutenant. The north polar region of this world is in constant sunlight, due to the orientation of the rotational axis relative to the planet's orbital plane. The temperature there is a balmy 65 degrees.

Scotty: Are there any LIFE signs, Mister Spock?

Spock: Faint signs register, though I cannot determine the nature of the life forms. If the signs were emanating from Sulu and Chekov, then they must be deep within a structure which partially shields against our sensors.

Kirk: Bones, Spock, let's beam down together.

Scotty: I wanna know why Sam the Cat ran away from Chekov, just before he winked out! I wonder if HE's the culprit all along?

Bones: How could a domestic CAT transport--

Scotty: But what if the bloody thing ISN'T really a feline? What if it's some space twinkle, goin' off half-cocked at our expense?

Everyone looks suspiciously at Sam, who narrows his eyes and begins to lick his paws clean.

Bones: No, if anythin', he's like most other non-human animals -- able to sense all sorts o' things that we HUMANS are too pre-occupied to perceive. He reminds me o' Henry, the biggest crawdad in the whole blasted Bayou. When I was a boy, I'd watch 'im all the time. When rain was a brewin', he'd rear up on his back legs and snap his claws into the air. When the flood waters rose into our back yard, ole Henry would just sit there and snap up the water skippers as they went floatin' by.

Kirk: I agree with Bones. They say that animals, especially cats and dogs, can sense impending danger. Maybe Sam is a little more psychic than we give him credit for. Here Sam.

Sam the cat looks up at Kirk from his sitting position near the turbolift. He walks over to Kirk and jumps up on his lap.

Spock: I am monitoring a sudden rise in the muonic flux from the planet's pole, Captain. As of yet, sensors have been unable to detect the mechanism responsible for the flux.

Sam suddenly looks up and focuses his glance on Uhura. In another second, Uhura vanishes from her seat. Ultra-dramatic music as Scotty jumps up and shouts that Uhura is gone. Sing-songy music as Kirk and Spock begin to suit up for beam-down to the planet surface.

**************** ****************

Captain's Log, Stardate 19960419: Spock and I are now beaming down to this strange, unexplored world. We are in search of our missing comrades, whose life signs register very faintly on the ship's sensors. We can only hope they are still alive.

Scene opens on the planet surface, which is covered with a beautiful, green forest. Sunlight filters through the treetops, dappling the ground with light. Wind whispers through the trees, as Kirk and Spock materialize. Spock immediately begins to take tricorder readings of his surroundings.

Kirk: This place is beautiful.

Kirk inhales deeply and savors the fresh, breezy air.

Spock: A most idyllic setting, though one would hardly expect to find troublesome aliens here.

Kirk: Yeah, but remember Vol's planet? THAT place was like Eden, especially with those half-naked women running around! Any readings?

Spock: The tricorder indicates faint, humanoid life signs, directly ahead, at a range of 500 meters.

Kirk and Spock set off through the forest. Kirk draws a hand-phaser and sets it on stun as they proceed.

Kirk: Let's hope it's them.

Spock: Hope it's WHO, Captain?

Kirk: Sulu, Chekov, and Uhura! (with annoyance)

Spock: Life signs are increasing. Range is now 100 meters. Readings now confirm that all three are present, and their signs appear, from this distance, to be normal.

Up ahead, we see Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov, all sitting on a large, fallen, tree log, drinks in hand. Before them, we see an old hillbilly, with a banjo slung over his shoulder. The hillbilly turns toward them, a smoldering corncob pipe between his yellowed teeth.

Kirk: AMOS! What the devil brings you to THIS universe?

Amos: Sakes alive, Jimmy! Don't ya' know I can travel to ANY universe, at least within my current isochronite? And the wormhole travel yer' crew's been tellin' me always isolates ya' to the same isochronite!

Spock: Hello, Mr. Amos. What is the definition of... isochronite?

Amos: Isochronites are basically clusters of universes, which all had the same creation date! Wormholes connect these universes.

Spock: How many universes reside in our current isochronite?

Amos: Somewhere's about's 14,800, as I remember. I hope ya' don't mind me stealin' off with some o' yer' CREW, Captain, but I couldn't resist the temptation to play a practical joke on ya'! Besides, I KNEW you wouldn't suspect it was me all along!

Kirk laughs, as does the whole crew. Amos clicks his fingers together, and Bones, Scotty, and Sam appear, all with shocked looks on their faces. Bones and Scotty smile when they see it's Amos, and Sam walks up to the hillbilly and rubs against his leg.

Amos: What a CUTE little critter! His name's SAM!

Sam looks up into the trees and watches birds flitting from branch to branch.

Amos: He looks so FRUSTRATED! If he could just reach those birds!

Amos clicks his fingers, and Sam, his eyes wide with surprise, takes to the air.

Dramatic music as Sam zooms into the air, paws outstretched, appearing like the feline version of Superman.

**************** ****************

Captain's Log, Stardate 19960424: Our cat, Sam, is very happy with his newly found power of flight. As we partied with superbeing Amos, Sam flew throughout the forest, in pursuit of small birds. He finally showed up with two yellow gross-beaked tannagers (identified by Mr. Spock) in his jaws. It ends up that the tannager, like humanoid life forms, appears throughout the galaxy. Tannagers, according to Mr. Spock, may have been seeded throughout the universe, just as humanoids were.

Scene opens in the forest, with Kirk and crew standing before Amos.

Kirk: Well, I suppose it's time we head out now, on our next mission.

Amos: What's that?

Kirk: Actually, we really don't know yet, but I'm sure we'll think of something. In fact, the way life goes for us, it'll be no time until some nasty alien ship comes careening at us, forcing us to fight.

Chekov: Whereupon I BLOW them out of the sky!

Scotty: Thanks again for the Enterprise, Mr. Amos. She's a lot more fun t' fly than that supership ya' gave us!

Amos: Well, that ship was repossesssed, anyway, by the Hypercredit Authorities. I'd been spendin' so much hypercash on my transdimensional BANjos that I forgot to make payments on my starship account. But, you're WELcome for the Enterprise. Are there any new features you'd like on the ship?

Kirk gets a gleam in his eye, and he removes a pad and pencil from his pocket, on which he begins to scratch down some notes.

Bones: This always comes back t' HAUNT us, Chim. Why don't we just conclude that our ship has all the capabilities that it needs already.

Chekov: I just vwish that we could still fold space, RIGHT Meester Spock?

Amos: Yeah, but ya' needed that silly SPICE t' do it. How about if I give Mr. Spock the permanent ability to fold space, with no physical mutations.

Kirk: That'd be WONDERFUL!

Amos: Consider it done! Well, I gotta GIT back to a square dance in the 9th dimension, so... be SEEIN' ya!

Amos waves goodbye to everyone and then vanishes.

Kirk: Well, Spock, care to fold us up to the ship?

Spock folds them up the bridge of the Enterprise, to the cheers of everyone present, except for grumpy Bones, who looks on with renewed worry.

Sulu: Does this mean you don't really need a navigator anymore?

Spock: Not at all, Mr. Sulu. In fact, I believe it wise to not fold under normal circumstances. Perhaps this permanent capability should only be used in emergencies. Otherwise, the rest of the Galaxy will take note of my abilities and seek them to achieve their own ends.

Bones: This is the FIRST time I completely agree with SPOCK!

Everyone looks with shock at Bones, who is gazing teary-eyed at Spock. Sam, who has been lying on the floor, lifts up into the air, and he hovers for a while, as he licks his paws. Then, he moves across the bridge and descends onto the front edge of the helm control console and goes back to sleep.

Kirk: I suppose we should abide by that policy, that Spock only folds space defensively, to protect us and the ship. Does everyone agree?

Everyone nods their heads.

Sulu: YIPEEEE!!! I'm still our navigator!

Suddenly, the red alert begins to sound, and everyone scrambles to their chairs. Sam jumps up, hisses while arching his back (since he was lying right in front of the large red light and siren) and flies to the opposite end of the bridge to hide.

Spock: Sensors indicate that an alien vessel is heading towards us at warp 7. Mass, 67,000 metric tons. Propulsion appears to be conventional warp drive.

Kirk: Onscreen.

Sulu hits several buttons, and we see a rather boring looking ship approaching them. The ship looks like an oversized Enterprise shuttlecraft, with three warp pods instead of two.

Uhura: Captain, we are being hailed.

Kirk: Let's see it.

The screen changes to show the face of a greying man, in his seventies, sitting on an overstuffed Lazy-Boy-style recliner. We, the audience, instantly recognize him as Jack Palance.

Palance: I am Captain Ripley, of the starship *deep inhale and exhale* Lewbenow... believe it *deep inhale and exhale* or NOT!

Dramatic music as the scene fades to black.

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Captain's Log, Stardate 19960425: We have encountered a starship of unknown origin, called the Lewbenow. The captain of the Lewbenow, named Ripley, has agreed to join me and the crew for a dinner onboard the Enterprise. Bones has whipped up a batch of his crawdad pancakes, and Scotty is playing bartender. His specialty -- Scotch, straight or on the rocks.

Scene opens in a Victorian-style dining room, set with fancy crystal glasses, goldware, and fine china. Exotic alien flowers adorn the table, and plates of steaming, delicious syntho-foods sit before those seated at the table. Kirk sits at one end of the dark mahogany table, and Ripley at the other, with three crewmembers sitting on either side. Bones is wearing a tall white chef's hat as they begin to eat. Sam the cat is wearing a white bib and sitting on a small high-chair next to Uhura, a plate of syntho-tuna in front of him.

Kirk: So, Captain Ripley--

Ripley: Please (throughout all of Ripley's speaking, there is heavy inhaling and exhaling, a trademark of Jack Palance), Captain Kirk, call me Rip.

Kirk: Only if you call me Jim.

Rip: Agreed. Now, as you were saying?

Kirk: I was going to ask what star system you're sailing from, as well as your destination.

Rip: I am a trader, in fine Yelkonian elphonious Bothians. I normally trade between my home world, Bebos, and the fairly Xenophobic race called the Melkosians.

Bones: We encountered the Melkosians, over a century ago, in another universe! They sent us back in history, to the Wild West of our homeworld. We became gunslinging killers! If not for SPOCK's hypnotic trances, we would have all died! We--

Kirk: Bones, take it easy. You want some credits, I'll give 'em to ya'. You'll be a RICH MAN. You want a command o' yer own? I could probably swing that TOO!

Bones: What're you talking about, Chim? I don't want credits OR my own command!

Rip: The Melkosians did something similar to me, Doctor. They made my worst nightmare come true. I dreamt that I had a class in college that I didn't know about, until finals week. When I showed up for the exam, I found out that I was unclothed! In addition, all of my teeth fell out! It was terrifying. However, once I proved my mettle, they agreed to trade.

Uhura: What in the world is a Yelkonian elphonious Bothian?

Rip: A rare type of thyridic phlogiskercarb, with orange spots instead of purple.

Everyone looks at him with puzzlement.

Rip: All right, in layman's terms, it's a robotized bath toy, meant for children, which sings to them and tells them stories as it swims around the bathtub. It's great for little kids, especially boys, who don't like taking baths.

Sulu: That's the most BIZARRE thing I've ever heard of. Do you have children of your own?

Rip: I never married or sired any of my own children. I remained perpetually single, as captain of the Lewbenow, which was my inheritance. Currently, however, I am on a new mission, and I seek to secure the ability to travel through time.

Scotty: Time travel can be damn risky, Rip. What're ya' after?

Rip: An ancient ancestor of mine, named Sigourney Ripley, was killed, centuries ago, by a nasty, creepy-crawly alien. I am seeking to go back into time and prevent her death.

Spock: We have, on occasion, utilized time travel, for reasons similar to your own -- to change history for our own ends.

Rip: Perhaps you would be willing to share this technology with me then. I can pay you handsomely if--

Kirk: It's a mighty risky thing to do, Rip. If we could just click our fingers and wink our eyes and get you there, we'd do it. But it usually involves slingshotting around high-gravity objects. If there was another way, WE'D sure like to know.

Sam jumps down from the high-chair and walks over to the side of the table. Suddenly, Bones knocks a chunk of crawdad from his plate, and it falls to the floor, where Sam quickly gobbles it up.

Uhura: Did you SEE that?

Kirk: See what?

Uhura: Sam seemed to anticipate that food would fall off Doctor McCoy's plate! He walked over to the spot where the food fell, almost a full minute before it actually occurred.

Scotty: It looks like that crazy feline can fortell the future!

Spock: And fortelling the future involves seeing THROUGH the time barrier, and viewing all of event-space simultaneously, at least along the positive chronometric axis.

Dramatic music as Sam runs over to the other side of the table, and, to everyone's amazement, Sulu accidentally knocks a chunk of bread to the floor, where Sam wolfs it down.

**************** ****************

Captain's Log, Stardate 19960426: While dining with Captain Ripley of the starship Lewbenow, all of us observed that Sam the Cat appears to be able to foresee the future. Mr. Spock is investigating this phenomenon further. Meanwhile, the rest of us are shooting the breeze and slamming down some drinks with Rip, in the Enterprise's ornately furnished club room. I might add that OUR club room puts the Enterprise D's Ten-Forward to SHAME...

Scene opens in the opulent club room of the Enterprise. Hard woods cover the walls, ceiling, and floor, and the front wall is a window into space. Numerous decorations hang on the walls, and the interior reminds one more of a TGI Friday's restaurant than a truly elegant club. Chunks of spacewrecks, scorched from blasts, hanging on the wooden walls, and several space traffic signs, including a slowly-blinking starbase docking beacon light, are also visible. Rip, Kirk, and crew (minus Spock and Sam) are seated at a large round table. Each of them is sipping on a drink, and Scotty has a tall, dusty bottle of Scotch on the table. Everyone is laughing and joking, as Rip tells them "old war stories."

Rip: I remember the good old days, when men were men, women were women, and you could tell who was shooting at you by the colors of the energy bolts from their weapons. These days, with all of the terrorist factions moping around the quadrant, you never know what will happen next. Just the other day, a cloaked pirate vessel, equipped with contraband Romulan disruptors, appeared from nowhere and took some pot shots at us.

Chekov: Did you BLOW them out of the stars?

Rip: Damn straight, we did! I watched smoking body parts float by the viewer, just for increased satisfaction. I'm getting TIRED of these ship-jackings! If someone tries to board MY ship, they'll pay the price.

Chekov: I always enjoy BAITING pirate ships! I lead them to think that we are filled with treasures and defenseless. The moment we get into vweapons range, I kill the COSSACKS where they float.

Kirk: Pavel, when's the last time you pulled THAT stunt?

Chekov: I get a ship every few days, Keptin. Usually, all of you are asleep at the time. Where do you think all of these scorched pieces of shipwreck came from? I beamed chunks of wreckage onto the ship and then mounted them for display!

Bones: Good GOD, Chim, he's been using the ship as a means of hunting humanoid life for SPORT! That's BLOODSPORT where I come from!

Kirk: Yeah, but he DOES get rid of the undesirable elements that way. I think I'll just choose to look the other way and realize that, though we may not agree with his MEANS, we DO agree with his ENDS! And, I've always thought that saying WAS completely backwards. To me, the ends not only justify the means, they DEFINE them.

Bones shakes his head as everyone chuckles at Kirk's last statement, especially Rip, who laughs until tears come to his eyes.

Suddenly, Spock enters the room, with Sam flying alongside him, in a cozy curled-up position as moves through the air.

Spock: I have made a startling discovery about this remarkable feline, Captain.

Everyone looks to Sam, who is now hovering and purring overhead.

Kirk: What'd you find? Can Sam indeed foretell the future?

Spock: Something even more surprising.

Sulu: He's really Finney in disguise?

Spock: No, not THAT surprising. Sam is not so much foretelling the future as he is EXISTING within the future, as well as the present, and, on occasion, the past. Sam is capable of time travel, without the aid of any mechanical means that I can measure.

Bones: Weren't their legends of a race of beings, called Chronons, who could bodily travel through time?

Spock: Such legends DO exist, but such beings were thought to be humanoid in nature, not feline. Perhaps the Chronons had cats like Sam as pets, and they could time travel together.

Ripley's eyes light up.

Rip: Could he (extra deep inhale/exhale) possibly take other beings with him on his time travels?

Spock: Yes. In fact, both Sam and I were eavesdropping on this VERY CONVERSATION, about a half hour ago, by traveling into the near future. This explains why he became uneasy, just as Sulu, Chekov, and Uhura were about to vanish from the ship, at the hands of Amos.

Kirk: Then, perhaps we CAN help Rip after all! Sammy, would you like to help Captain Ripley get back to rescue this relative of his from the past?

Sam lowers to the table, stands up and meows in agreement, to the cheering of all present.

Bones leans over to Kirk and whispers into his ear.

Bones: Now we have Spock, who can fold space, and Sam, who can fold time, Chim! We can basically fold SPACE-TIME!

Kirk: We should go and visit Paul Moadib, just to let him know that we can move, at will, through all FOUR dimensions, instead of only THREE!!! Then we'll be in a far BETTER position to dictate TERMS!

Dramatic music as Bones looks bug-eyed at Kirk's apparent return to megalomania.

**************** ****************

Captain's Log, Stardate 19960429: After a long talk with Bones, I have decided to leave Paul Moadib and Arakkis alone, at least for now. With Sam the Cat's ability to time travel, as well as Spock's ability to fold space, the Enterprise can now travel throughout all of space-time. Spock has concluded, by running some quick time travel tests, that Sam can actually transport himself, us, and the ship to any time in the past or future. We are currently meeting with Captain Ripley, to decide how to best rescue his great-great.... granddaughter, Sigourney Ripley, of the past.

Scene opens on the bridge of the Enterprise, where Captain Ripley (Jack Palance) is sitting next to Bones. The other 6 crewmates are seated at their usual stations. Sam the cat is hovering in mid-air, just to the right of the viewscreen.

Kirk: So, who is this Sigourney Ripley woman, anyway?

Rip: She's my 8-times-removed great granddaughter. She worked on an industrial space tug, called the Nostromo, back in the 2100's. She fell prey to a race of nasty, silicon-based creatures, which were termed simply as "Aliens" back then. If we could travel back to the correct moment in time, we could rescue her and destroy the Aliens in the process.

Chekov: Were the Aliens very advanced?

Rip: They were a group of semi-intelligent, insect-like creatures, with incredible power, speed, and cunning. Sigourney and her crewmates found the Aliens on a desolate world, beneath an ancient shipwreck. As far as further details about the Aliens themselves, I really don't know anything more, other than the name and location of the planet on which they were found.

Bones: Is that where Sigourney died?

Rip: No, Doctor McCoy. She died years later, from an egg that an Alien had implanted in her body. You see, the Aliens plant eggs inside living human hosts, and, when the larva is ready, it erupts from the human chest, killing the host.

Scotty: So, what yer sayin' is that the Alien makes you into a human haggus! And then it feeds on ya', from the inside out!

Rip: Precisely, fine sir.

Bones: What an awful way to go! That makes a bite from a Mugatu look like CHILD'S PLAY! Chim, we gotta go back and save Sigourney from that thing!

Kirk: All right. Let's go back and rescue Ms. Ripley. Rip, give us the coordinates, and we'll head on over. What should we do about your ship, though?

Rip: I'll let my crew have shoreleave back on that beautiful forest-covered planet, that you just left several days ago. THAT'll make them happy!

Chekov: I can't WAIT to fire photon torpedoes at the Aliens, Keptin!

Sulu: And I can't wait to navigate us to this strange, hostile planet, Cap'n!

Uhura: This sounds a little like a bug-hunt, if you ask me. But, if it'll save Sigourney's life, I'm all for it. I could use another woman around here for a while. I'm working on my memoirs, and I could use another woman's opinion on some issues.

Kirk: Such as?

Uhura: None of your business, Captain. You wouldn't understand.

Spock: I am ready to fold us there at your command, Captain.

Rip: What does Mr. Spock mean -- FOLD us there?

Kirk: It's a special gift that you must promise to keep a secret. He ALONE possesses it. The gift enables Spock to transport us instantly to any point in space.

Rip: FASCINATING! And, I promise not to tell anyone -- scout's honor!

Sulu: But I thought I could navigate us there, Cap'n!

Kirk: Actually, that's right. We drew up that silly contract that said that Mr. Spock could only fold space as a defensive measure. OK, Mr. Sulu, once Rip has given you the coordinates, lay in a course, after Sam has folded us to the proper time.

Spock: I am puzzled as to how Sam will know what time we need to proceed to, Captain. He seems to govern his own temporal travels, which are determined by the meal-time mishaps of the crew.

Kirk: Spock -- (as he points to Sam) mind-meld. Explain the situation to him.

Spock raises an eyebrow and then walks to the front of the bridge, where Sam is hovering peacefully in mid-air. Spock places his hands onto Sam's head and back. We hear the Spock-mind-meld music begin to play. Scene flashes briefly to McCoy's face. His eyes are bugged-out and twitching, and his perspiring face takes up the whole screen.

Spock's eyes are now closed, and Sammy appears to be falling asleep. The crew watches on for several minutes, and, at last, Spock opens his eyes and removes his hands from Sam, who is still asleep.

Spock: Sam understands that we wish to help someone in need. He is willing to fold us to the date and year supplied by you, Captain Ripley.

Rip: Wonderful. Take us to the date January 18, 2107.

Spock walks back over to Sam, places his hands onto Sam's head for a moment, and then turns back to the rest of the crew.

Spock: He is prepared.

Kirk: Now, Sam.

Space shimmers around them, and everything becomes a strange shade of green. The crew stumbles around the bridge, as they appear to be dizzy and disoriented. Within a minute or so, the green color fades, and the shimmering subsides. Sammy zooms up to Bones, who hands him a small handful of cat-treats.

Kirk: Mr. Spock, what does the chronometer read.

Spock walks back to his station and gazes into the blue glow of the sensor readout device.

Spock: 10:15 AM, January 18 AM, 2107.

Everyone cheers for Sam, who, his mouth full of cat treats, zooms twice around the bridge's perimeter.

Rip: Now, lay in a course, Mr. Sulu, at 349.8 by 123.7 degrees.

Sulu feeds in the coordinates.

Kirk: What's our ETA?

Rip: At warp 6, 1 day, 11 hours. The planet's name is LV-426.

Kirk: Ahead, warp factor 6, Mr. Sulu.

Sulu: Aye, Cap'n.

Dramatic music as the Enterprise enters warp, as Rip looks on with with great worry and anticipation about confronting the Aliens.

**************** ****************

Captain's Log, Stardate 19960501: We have just entered orbit around the much vaunted planet LV426. When I asked Spock why this world was still named LV426 in our ship's stellar library, he stated that, back in the "old" days, when many planets were named, they weren't given more modern, "fancy" names, due to budget cuts in the Starfleet StarNaming effort.

Scene opens on the bridge, with everyone present. Kirk is staring at the cloud covered surface of LV426, as it scrolls slowly through the viewscreen.

Kirk: So, when was LV426 named?

Spock: The computer indicates that this entire system was originally explored in 2097. The system was named LV42. Since this is the 6th planet from the star LV42, it was named LV426.

Kirk: We should give it a new name -- something FANCY. I remember another planet, called ZX758, that was renamed Sellethia.

Bones: What in the blazes does Sellethia mean, Chim?

Kirk: I dunno. Probably the name of the StarNaming Office's parakeet or something.

Bones: Being a DOCtor, I would say that planets should be named according to "the LATIN," with a name describing something significant about the planet. For example, THIS planet, because of its cloud cover, could be called CUMULOS.

Spock: But there are many clouded worlds in the Galaxy, Doctor. Thousands of planets would then have the same name. Navigation would become difficult.

Sulu nods in affirmation.

Bones: I know that, SPOCK! You could have longer names, to differentiate one from another. There could be a three part name, one specifying the sector, one specifying the system, and the final specifying the planet.

Spock: There could be more than one clouded planet in the same system, however. How would one differentiate between these two planets?

Bones: All right, Spock, I'm getting sick of your chronic disagreement with every little thing I propose! In the case of having TWO clouded planets in the same system, an additional naming suffix could be added, such as ALPHA, or BETA.

Spock: And if there were more clouded planets in the same system than there are letters in the Greek Alphabet?

Kirk: Spock... Bones, quit this incessant BICKering. We have a rescue mission to perform here.

Bug-eyed Bones continues to glare at Spock.

Sulu: Sensors have just picked up a vessel, moving this way. Speed is 0.9c. Range is 100 million kilometers and closing.

Spock peers into the sensor readout system.

Spock: The computer has identified this vessel as the Sulaco, property of a now-defunct agency called the Colonial Marines.

Rip: THAT's the ship that Sigourney used to get to LV426! At present, the entire crew should be in hibernation, because of the 7 month voyage from Earth to LV426!

Scotty: Captain Kirk! I just remembered about the Prime Directive! Oh whatta we DO, Captain? If we help those Marines defeat the Aliens, we'll be interferin' with another culture!

Kirk: I have two answers for you. The first is that these Marines are part of our OWN culture. Thus, we aren't interfering with a DIFFERENT culture. Second, we aren't a Starfleet vessel. We OWN this ship. So, we can do as we please.

Bones: You've forGOTten about something else, Chim!

Kirk: What's that, Bones?

Bones: When did the prime directive really ever change our mission plans? On practically every episode... I mean mission, we did whatever the hell we wanted to do. This tendency has now become the NORM in Starfleet. And it's SPREADING! Pretty soon, we'll be looking at primitive worlds as science class experiments, to do with as we please with no moral considerations!

Chekov: I personally think we should be subjugating many of the primitive plennets, Keptin! With our photon torpedoes, they would think of us as GODS!

Spock: Perhaps we ARE in somewhat of a moral quandry, given the objectives of our current mission. Keep in mind that we are NOT in our native universe. We would be tampering with the history of a culture other than our own, Captain.

Palance: But we CAN'T LET Sigourney die at the hands of these bloodthirsty aliens! Please, Captain--

Kirk: Then there HAS to be a way to make ourselves invisible, yet still allowing us to help the Marines on their mission.

Bones: We have DECAliters of amnesium onboard, Chim!

Rip: What's AMNESIUM?

Kirk: It's a drug that makes one FORGET about the past several days worth of memory. So, how can THAT help us out?

Bones: We could help the Marines and then give them amnesium shots afterward. They'd forget everything they knew about us!

Scotty: AYEEEEEE! That's the TICKET!

Kirk: That's all fine and dandy, but I have a more elaborate scheme. THIS one could get us onto the front page of Soldier of Fortune!

Everyone looks on with anticipation to hear Kirk's scheme.

Kirk: First off, we beam Spock onboard the Sulaco. He mind-melds with each crewman and plants the thoughts into their heads that WE... US, are official crewmembers onboard the Sulaco! Scotty can be working on a way to fudge their computer bank memories, so that the onboard systems list us as official crewmembers. Uhura, you can make uniforms for us, so that we look like Colonial Marines! When they come out of hibernation, we'll be there already, in uniform and ready to battle the aliens!

Chekov: An EXCELLENT idea, Keptin! So long as we can take along our superior weapons, so that we are safe at all times.

Kirk: Of course! Each of us has the ability to beam back up to the Enterprise at a moment's notice. If any one of you gets into trouble, you can beam yourself, and anyone else who's in danger, back here immediately! Whadda' ya' say?

Dramatic music as everyone cheers in approval of Kirk's ideas, and Spock begins to prepare himself for the mass-hypnosis that he must perform on each member of the Sulaco's crew, from OUTSIDE their hibernation tanks.

**************** ****************

Captain's Log, Stardate 19950502: Mr. Spock has just completed an exhaustive mass-hypnosis of the crew of the Sulaco, still frozen in hyperstasis. Scotty, in the meantime, with the aid of our ship's computer, figured out how to "fudge" the software and memory banks on the Sulaco. Because the number of hyperstatis "freezers" could not accomodate anyone from the Enterprise, Spock implanted the memories that the Marines actually "rotate" through hyperstasis, and that the eight of us from the Enterprise compose the group on the "duty phase" of the rotation cycle. This will explain why we are already bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as the Marines wake up from their 7 month sleep. Of particular note is the "fudging" Scotty did of an android member of the crew, named "Bishop." Bishop now also believes that we belong onboard the Sulaco. The Sulaco is orbiting LV426. Uhura completed the uniforms, and Chekov and Sulu replicated the Marine's weapons, so now each of us has a Colonial Marines "getup," complete with plasma rifle. This has been a lot of fun for us, especially since we'll be able to go on this trivial "bug hunt" in a historical setting. It's like re-enacting an ancient battle, but "for real." Captain Ripley is completely psyched about the whole thing, and he's wondering how he'll control his emotions when he sees his many-times-removed granddaughter, Sigourney Ripley. Sam the cat is also onboard, as ship's mascot. Bones has rigged Spock up with normal, human-looking ears, since these people have never before seen a Vulcan.

Scene opens in the giant "freezer" chamber onboard the Sulaco. Numerous hibernation tanks are visible, and cold-steam vapors rise about the tanks. Kirk and crew, wearing their casual Marine clothing, are standing at one end of the chamber. Sam the cat is annoyed that he must remain on all fours, since he doesn't want the Marines know that he can fly.

Kirk: Well, everything is ready. If the Marines get suited up today and head down to the planet surface, we could have this bug hunt over by dinner time! At the end of it all, Sigourney Ripley will be alive and well.

Rip: Excellent, Captain! You don't know how grateful I am!

Chekov: I can't vwait to vwaporize the aliens, Keptin! I plenn to show NO MERCY!

Sulu: Well, if we DO get into any trouble, the Enterprise is orbiting LV426 exactly opposite the Sulaco.

Suddenly, a computer screen springs to life, and we see the names of the sleeping crewmates being printed. Ripley appears as one of the names. The crewmen jump when hydraulics come to life, and the "lids" on the hypersleep chambers raise into the air. Cold vapors waft out of the tanks and onto the floor, and flourescent lights within the sleep chambers turn on. We can now see the Sulaco's crew, each of them wearing underwear. One of the Marines, a black man in his forties, has a cigar stump laying on his chest.

Rip: THERE! THERE'S SIGOURNEY!

He points to the middle sleep chamber, where we see a woman, with brown hair and gray underwear, sleeping in her chamber. We recognize the actress as Sigourney Weaver. Bones sweeps his tricorder around in front of himself.

Bones: All of them are alive, and their signs are increasing in strength.

The crewmembers begin to stir, very slowly at first, and many of them groan with discomfort.

Scotty: Thank GOD for warp drive! I could-na TAKE this way of travelin'!

Kirk: Scotty! Shhhhhh -- we don't want to give ourselves away.

Scotty nods in agreement.

The black man with the cigar sits up slowly in his chamber and places the cigar stump in his mouth. More crewmembers are waking and sitting up, and they begin to exit their chambers. (For the rest of this adventure, the names of the Marines shall be used, as they are marked on the fronts of their hypersleep chambers)

Drake: They ain't payin' us enough for this, men!

Hudson: Drake, you like just like I feel.

Hicks: WHAT?

The man with the cigar has now stood up, and he begins to pace along the hypersleep chambers.

Apone: All right, sweethearts, what're you WAITING for, breakfast in bed? Ah, another GLORIOUS day in the CORPS! A day in the CORP's like a day on the FARM! Every meal's a BANquet! Every paycheck's a FORTUNE, every FORMAtion a PARADE! I LOVE THE CORPS!

Everyone looks distastefully at Apone.

Another man has gotten out of his chamber, and he is hopping up and down on the floor in his bare feet.

Hudson: Man, this floor's FREEZIN'!

Apone: Whadda' want me t' do -- fetch your SLIPPERS for ya' Hudson?

Hudson: Aw, would ya', sir? I'd LIKE that!

Apone: Look into my eye! FALL IN, PEOPLE!

Kirk steps forward.

Kirk: (acting super-hammy) We held the fort while you guys were sleepin'! I can't WAIT t' get a hold o' them aliens! I'll tear 'em LIMB FROM LIMB! I'll blow their brains outa' their heads with as many guns as I can fire at one time!

Apone looks at him with a furrowed brow.

Apone: You all right? WE were the one's in HYPERsleep, and YOU'RE the CRAZY man! Who said anythin' about shootin'? We're here to rescue some colonists, and MAYBE we'll have to shoot one or two critters.

Chekov: Those alien COSSACKS!

Spock: Perhaps we should dine with the rest of the crew.

Sweeping, romantic music as Chekov sees his heart's desire -- a woman Marine named Vasquez, who is doing chinups near the Marines' storage lockers.

**************** ****************

Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 19960508: We are intermingling with the crew of the Sulaco, all of whom have just emerged from hypersleep, in preparation for colonist rescue operations on the planet LV426. Spock has consulted the Enterprise's computer memory banks on LV426, and we have learned some chilling facts. At least in our native universe, LV426 was home to a derelect space wreck from a race the Federation has never encountered since. Powerful, insectlike silicon-based life forms were found at the shipwreck, and they wreaked havoc upon the Earth colonists on LV426, as well as this group of Colonial Marines, of which we are now a part. I'm beginnig to wonder if this was such a good idea after all...

Scene opens in the crew mess hall, where everyone is sitting down and eating. Loud joking and laughter fills the mess hall. Kirk is sitting between Hudson and Sgt. Apone, and Chekov is sitting next to Vazquez, as he tries to talk her into going out with him. Spock is conversing with Bishop, the ship's android, and Uhura is admiring Apone from across the table. Bones is talking with the Sulaco's female doctor. Captain Ripley is conversing with his long-lost great-great-great... granddaughter, Sigourney Ripley.

Sigourney: So, you new recruits aren't really the YOUNGEST marines I've ever seen...

Rip: Well, Sigourney, all of us are part of a new program, which is meant for older adults. It's thought that the older population on Earth is out of touch with the military and its objectives, so we were recruited, to aid in spreading such knowledge around, back on Earth.

Apone: I'm a caREER Marine, though. You won't see ME retirin' in my thirties. I plan to be doin' DROP details until I drop DEAD!

Bones: (under his breath) That won't be too much longer now.

Scotty: Does this ship got any SCOTCH sittin' around?

Burke (civilian): I brought some of my private collection along. But we can have that AFTER we... rescue the colonists.

Just then, we see a prank being played on Hudson, by Drake and the android (Bishop). Hudson's left hand is splayed out on the table, and Bishop is playing "the knife game" with Hudson's fingers. Each strike of the knife, which begins to move impossibly fast due to Bishop's android strength, barely misses Hudson's hand. The whole crew is laughing, except for Hudson, who is screaming as the knife bounces around the tabletop. When it's over, Bishop walks back to his chair.

Hudson: That wasn't funny, man! That wasn't funny!

Kirk: Let ME try that. I used to pull stunts like this at the aCADemy while wearing a BLINDfold!

Hudson: Hell no, man! Not EVER again.

Kirk: Come on, Hudson. Ya' CHICKEN?

Drake: Yeah, Hudson. Kirk here's a CORPORAL, and if he orders you, then you have to FOLLOW those orders!

Everyone begins laughing again as Kirk takes Bishop's knife and walks over to Hudson, who is now being held in place by several other Marines. Kirk flips the knife into the air several times and then begins to imitate Bishop. Hudson again begins shouting with fear, as the knife point dances between his fingers.

Hudson: Oooh! Ouch! Oh! Ouch!....

Kirk finishes by lifting the knife to a flourish of applause. He bows, as Hudson lifts his hand into the air. Three of his fingers remain on the table, and blood begins squirting from the bloodied stumps.

Hudson: AAaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Bones quickly runs over and places a large napkin over the stumps.

Dramatic music as Apone walks up to Kirk and stares him in the eye, their faces mere inches apart, as Apone chews on his cigar stump. Even more dramatic music as Hudson is carted off to med-lab, to have his fingers sutured back onto his hand.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980106,
After private Hudson was carted off to med, his fingers were
successfully resutured, and he appears to be functioning relatively
normally again.  Bones had to resist the urge to help with the
procedure, since their equipment is primitive by our standards.  I just
don't understand how I could have cut his fingers off, since I've 
performed that knife trick a hundred times.  We're now getting ready to
airdrop down to the surface of LV-426.  Captain Ripley is getting very
nervous, and he's resolved to give his life, if need be, to save his
ancestral female.

Scene opens up in a huge loading bay onboard the starship Sulaco.  The
entire crew is assembled in front of the drop-ship -- a smaller vessel,
dark green in color, which will serve as their military shuttle to the
planet surface.  Everyone is lined up before Sargent Apone and Lt.
Gorman.  Apone is walking along the troop line, as he chews fitfully on
the cigar stub.

Apone: Let's get hot, people!  We're Marines, and we got a job to do. 
We're gonna kick some ass.  Over 200 colonists are depending on us, and
I don't plan on disappointin' a single one of 'em!

Apone walks up to Kirk and places his face inches away from Kirk's nose.

Apone: You did some pretty fancy cuttin' with that knife, Kirk.  Let's
see if you can do the same thing on whatever waits for us down there...

Kirk: (very melodramatically) You better BELIEVE I will, Sarge!

As Kirk continues his tirade on how he's going to rend the aliens with his
bare hands, he looks to the right of Apone and notices someone whom he hasn't
seen before.  A man, dressed in a flat gray uniform, with the capital letter
"T" emblazoned in yellow on his chest, is watching him carefully.  As Kirk
observes him, the man raises some sort of communicator to his own mouth and
whispers quietly into it.

Apone: That's GOOD, Kirk, REAL GOOD!  All you other Marines, I want the same
attitude from ALL of ya'...

The stranger reaches down to his belt and presses a button, situated atop
the belt buckle.  Kirk hears a strange buzzing noise, and Apone and the other
Marines stop moving.  He turns his head from side to side, and then he sees
that the other Enterprise crewmembers, as well as Captain Ripley, are still
moving and conscious.  Kirk walks up to Apone and clicks his fingers before
the face of the perspiring Marine Sargent.  Nothing happens.  Apone remains
solid and unflinching.

Kirk: What the hell happened?

Spock: Captain, it would appear that the current physical timeline has been
frozen, with the exception that we, the crew of the Enterprise, as well as
Captain Ripley, are unaffected.

Bones: How in the BLAZES did THAT happen???? (bug-eyed)

Kirk points to the man with the gray suit, who is now walking towards them,
a blank look upon his face.

Man:  I am Temporal Agent #5678A, and I am here to inform you that you
are in violation of Temporal Code 456 dash 7, subclause 8.

Kirk: And that is? (with a look of irritation on his face)

Agent5678A: That no agent or means can be used to alter the Timeline to
secure the survival of a life-form which would have otherwise perished due
to unfavorable events yet to transpire.

Ripley: (breathing deeply) Well, that means that I can't save Sigourney,
is that what you're saying? (as he trembles with anger)

Agent5678A: That's right.  As of now, I am here to warn you.  If you desist
at this time, no charges will be filed against you.  Continue, and you
will be arrested and face prosecution.

Kirk: By whose authority are you here?  I've never heard of "temporal agents"
before.

Agent5678A: I am from what you would call the year 109,875.  The Temporal
Agency was founded in 80,765, in an effort to curb temporal violations, 
especially by time travelers.

Bones: But we've been time traveling for YEARS now, fiddling with the timelines
in at least THREE universes!  Why in the blazes--

Kirk: (interrupting) BONES!  Ummm, he was just kidding around.

Agent5678A: We only have so many agents to go around... If you're a frequent
temporal violator, we'll usually catch up with you sooner or later.  Now
that you've been monitored and warned, however, you will be tracked 
automatically throughout spacetime.  In the event that illegal temporal
tampering occurs again, you will be arrested immediately.

Kirk: Well, Captain Ripley, it looks like you're out of luck.  I think we'd
better head back to our own place and time.

Agent5678A: Here, let me assist you...

The agent presses another button on his belt, and Kirk and crew suddenly
find themselves onboard the bridge of the Enterprise.  Ripley is on the
viewscreen, as he sits on the bridge of his own ship.  Sam the cat is lying
on Kirk's lap, cleaning his own fur.

Spock: We are now back in our original timeframe, Captain.  Readings indicate
that Agent5678A is no longer within sensor range.

Uhura: It's probably better that we stick to our own time.  I've always felt
guilty about tampering with our own past.  God only knows WHAT could happen.

Scotty: Ayeeee, if we changed the timeline in a bad way, we could be lost!
Lost FOREVER in the black o' space!

Ripley (on the viewscreen) - Well, I bid you farewell.  Though our mission
was a failure, I see no alternatives.

Kirk: I agree.  Good luck, Rip!

The viewer displays the stars ahead, as we see Ripley's ship heading off into
the starry void.

Sulu: Where to NOW, Captain?

Uhura: Captain, I'm currently receiving a distress call, from the Canis star
system.

Kirk: Put it on speakers.

We hear some static, followed by the sound of a large dog barking.  Sam the
cat bristles and hisses as the sound fills the bridge.

Uhura: I can't make out anything other than the dog barks.  Whoever is
broadcasting is using channel 4, reserved for emergency distress signals.

Kirk: What's their range?

Sulu: 4 light years, Captain.  At warp 9, we'd get there in just a few hours.

Kirk: Let's do it.  Warp 9.  Uhura, I want a cup of coffee within 10 minutes...

Uhura looks angry as she hurries to procure the coffee.

Dramatic music as we see the Enterprise leap into warp, bound for the Canis
star system.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980108:
We are currently enroute to the Canis star system, to investigate a strange
distress call that we received, in the form of a loud dog bark, on the subspace
emergency channel.  Uhura suggested that it might have been some message
sent by accident (perhaps by a dog barking into a microphone during his
master's absence), but I figured it's better to be safe than sorry.  Besides,
we never know what kind of interesting trouble we'll be stirring up until
we get there...

Scene opens up on the bridge of the Enterprise.  Everyone is seated in the
usual positions, except for Uhura.  Just then, the turboshaft door slides
open, and Uhura glides onto the bridge on a pair of rollerblades.  She's
wearing short shorts and a halter top, and Kirk watches her skate around
the perimeter of the bridge.  She stops at her console, as every other
crewmember (all male) have their eyes fixed upon her.

Scotty: Lass, when did you get into such good shape?

Uhura: (giggling) Well, I've been working out every day in the gym for the
past few months.  I'm more fit and toned than I've been since Starfleet
Academy.  I'm going to head down to the rec-room for a light after-workout
drink.  Care to join me, anybody?

Everyone jumps up from their chairs, with the exception of Spock and Sam.

Chekov: Gledly!

Sulu: I'd love to help you find your way there!  I'm quite the navigator!

Bones: You should have a THOROUGH checkup before continuing your fitness
program!  Count ME in!

Scotty: How 'bout a wee nip o' Scotch?  And then another, perhaps?

Kirk: Hey now, we're headed toward a distress call.  I need all of you HERE,
on the bridge!

He turns and smiles at Uhura.  Just then, Sam the cat wakes up, sees
Uhura, hisses, and runs over to Spock and hides between his feet.

Kirk: Sam, be a good kitty!  Okay, Uhura, one quick drink.  I'll spare time 
for that (smiling).

Everyone looks on with envy as Uhura skates smoothly back into the elevator,
followed by Kirk.  The door slides shut.

Chekov: Who made HIM Keptin, anyway?

Bones: WE did!  Don't you remember?

Scene switches to the rec-room, an ornately furnished room, with hardwood
floors, an elegant bar, and a huge viewport to the rushing stars outside
the Enterprise.  Soft, romantic music is playing as Uhura sits on a barstool,
Kirk right next to her.  She giggles and looks at Kirk sideways, causing him
to shift on his seat.

Kirk: I don't know what got into that cat.  He usually enjoys lying on your
lap, where you pet him.

Uhura: Perhaps I'm not interested in having Sam in my lap today.  Maybe I'm
interested in having a more... human... playmate. (smiling)

Kirk nearly spills his drink on the bar.  He straightens out his hairpiece
and whispers something softly into her ear.  She giggles some more and then
kisses Kirk on the cheek.  With that, they climb off the barstools and head
for the door, Uhura's hand resting flat-palmed upon the middle of Kirk's back.

Dramatic music as the scene switches to a control room somewhere onboard
the ship, where we see ANOTHER Uhura, tied up and gagged, as she struggles
to free herself...

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980115,
While enroute to the Canis star system, to investigate a distress call,
I have found myself suddenly smitten with Uhura.  She has been working
out in the gym, evidently, and is now in excellent shape.  After she
skated about the bridge, parading her smoothly sculpted legs and upper
body, she invited me to the rec room for a drink.  There, she worked her
feminine wiles on me, and we are currently in my quarters.  She was
something else, let me tell you... *WHEW!*

Scene opens with Kirk lying in bed, next to Uhura.  They are lying in
bed, beneath the covers, their bodies obviously intertwined.  Uhura looks
younger than before, and strikingly beautiful.  Kirk is gazing dreamily
into her eyes.

Kirk: I don't know how I've overlooked you all these years...

Uhura: (smiling) There are a LOT of things you may have overlooked all these
years, Captain.

Kirk: Though I must admit, I DID want to kiss you that time those Platonian
mind control freaks had their way with us.

Uhura: Platonians? (looks puzzled)

Kirk: You don't reMEMber that one?  My God, Lt., that was the first interracial
kiss on TV, for cryin' out loud.

Uhura: Oh yeah, NOW I remember.  Yeah, the first interracial kiss.  And now
that we're on camera, how about a SECOND?

They smile and kiss passionately, their mouths open and fused at the lips.

Scene switches to the remote control room, where the REAL Uhura is tied up
and gagged.  We see that she is working at the ropes which secure her hands
and feet together.  She has been working at the gag in her mouth as well,
and it's chewed about halfway through.

Back to Kirk's quarters, where they are kissing and whispering sweet nothings
to each other.  Just then, the entrance buzzer sounds off, and Kirk looks
away from his lover.

Kirk: Yes, who is it?

He hears a meow from outside the door, and he realizes it's Sam the cat.

Kirk: Come on in, Sam.

A worried look crosses Uhura's face as the door slides open.  Sam the cat
is hovering in mid-air (recall that super-being hillbilly Amos gave Sam
the ability to fly).  He slowly moves into the quarters, his body in a
crouched position, as though ready to pounce.  The door slides shut behind
him.  He moves slowly toward the bed.

Uhura: Why did you let THAT thing come in here?  We were having so much fun,
dear (nibbling on his earlobe)...

Kirk: I thought you ADORED that cat.

Uhura: Well... YES, but I still like some time alone with you and only you.

Sam is now about five feet from the bed when he suddenly bares his fangs
and hisses loudly.

Kirk: What the devil got into him?

Sam moves quickly, as he swoops down and tries to scratch Uhura with his
claws, hissing maniacally all the while.  Uhura leaps out of bed and goes 
running about the room, in a vain attempt to dodge the cat.  Just then,
Spock's voice sounds over the intercom.

Spock: Captain, are you there?

Kirk: (shouting) What is it, Spock? 

Quick flash to the bridge, where we see the entire crew looking puzzled by
the cacophany of sound emanating from the speaker, with Kirk
shouting, Uhura screaming madly, and an enraged feline hissing and scratching
his way through the air.

Spock: I am monitoring some peculiar energy fluctuations from the warp
engines.  Mr. Scott cannot trace the cause for the minor power drain, and
we are investigating further.

Flash back to Kirk's quarters.  Kirk is shielding himself beneath his 
blanket as the cat chases Uhura about the quarters.

Dramatic music as Sam's claw catches on Uhura's neck, producing a dribble
of green blood, causing Kirk to gasp with horror.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980203:  Boy, was Uhura upset with me!  Just
because I slept with a Romulan imposter version of her!  Of course, asking
Spock to stun the "real" Uhura with a hand phaser (I thought she was yet
another Romulan) didn't help matters much.  I'm currently nursing a minor
bruise on my right cheek, caused by Uhura.  I'm not going to hold the matter
against her, since we really need her back on duty, and when she gets a chip
on her shoulder, it takes forever for her to get over it.  That, or a
shopping spree at the nearest Starbase... Sheesh!  Meanwhile, Bones has
brought the Romulan to consciousness, and I'm currently in the brig, for
interrogation.

Scene opens in the brig.  Kirk, Spock, and Bones are standing just outside
the force field, which spreads a faint pale blue glow across the
entranceway.  The very "physically fit" Romulan Uhura is seated on a bench
at the rear of the small chamber.  She is watching them with a blank
expression.

Kirk: Who sent you?  Why did you come onboard the Enterprise in the first
place?  How long have you been here?  Why did you choose to impersonate
Uhura?  When--

Romulan: I'll answer your questions, but one at a time, Captain.  As to why
I chose to impersonate Uhura, the answer is simple.  I knew I would have to
become a woman to lure you in.

Kirk looks shocked.

Kirk: Lure me in (very melodramatically)?  For WHAT????

Romulan: I see your wanting gaze, Captain.  I know you still WANT me...

Spock: Now that Captain Kirk has learned your true identity, I doubt if he
has any further interest in--

Romulan: Could the good doctor please tell us about a family of drugs
typically coined with the phrase "Amorophils"?

Bones raises an eyebrow, his eyes bugging out a half inch.

Bones: Amorophils are LEGENDARY, a family of drugs developed to produce a
sexually irresistible urge upon the person to whom the drug is administered.
There are legends of such drugs which are effective on humanoids.  That
whatever person the victim "experiences" after ingesting the drug will be
his or her perpetual OBSESSION!

Kirk: *giggling* That's ridiculous!  You're talking about a love potion,
Bones.  We all know those are just fantasy.

Bones: Fantasy?  FANTASY??? Chim, don't you remember Elaan of Troyus, who
enslaved your love with her tears?  You practically FLIPPED for her!

Kirk: Oh yeah, I *do* remember that one.  But I'm over her now.  Are you
saying, Uhura... I mean... What IS your real name?

Romulan: My full Romulan name is Carol Judith Bookbinder.

Bones: That doesn't sound very ROMULAN to me, Chim!

Kirk: So... CAROL... are you saying that I now find you somehow...
irresistible? *smiling*

Carol: Yes, Captain.  You may not feel it yet, but by tonight, you'll be
howling at the moon to have me again...  I induced the amorophil during our
lovemaking.  There is no antidote... *grins seductively*

Spock: How did you gain entrance to the Enterprise?  We were not aware of
your presence.

Carol: *standing up, walking languidly toward the brig entrance* I used a
new high technology transporter system.  The beaming site was nearly 10
light years away.

Bones: But WHY?  Why beam onto a starship filled with has-beens from another
universe who can't figure out what the hell to DO with themselves?

Carol: It's a simple answer, Doctor... Captain, may I ask you, where did you
get your current hairpiece?

Dramatic burst of music.

Kirk blushes, and then his eyes wander across Carol's pleasing form.  He
sighs and tries to tear his eyes from her, but he can't.  She smiles
demurely.

Kirk: It's a custom job, made with Sillurian Yak Fleece, from the Yargon
cluster.  Why does that matter?

Carol: Well, Captain, it just so happens that the Yargon cluster doesn't
EXIST in this universe.  It only exists in your NATIVE universe, the one you
fled several months ago.  There isn't a single follicle's worth of Sillurian
Yak Fleece in this universe!

Bones: Hey, if all you came for was his HAIRpiece, he could have just handed
it over to you!

Kirk: BONES!  no way!  This hairpiece is the best in the galaxy!  I've
picked up at least 200 women with this hairpiece!  I'm NOT giving it up!

Carol: In the end, Captain, you will not only GIVE me the hairpiece, but you
will pilot me back
to my homeworld and hand the hairpiece to me... on your knees... *chuckling*

Kirk: You are hereby confined here until we reach the nearest Starbase,
which is actually between us and the Canis star system, our current
destination.  That is all.  If you thought you were going to get away with
my toupe', you were SADLY mistaken!

He turns on his heels and walks out, followed by his two crewmates.  Scene
switches to Kirk's quarters, that night.  Kirk is lying in bed, a very faint
glow filtering through his quarters.  He's tossing and turning in bed,
perspiration appearing on his forehead.  He suddenly jumps awake and sits up
in bed.  His eyes are glazed, as he slowly stands up and walks out of his
quarters, while still wearing his striped pajamas and oversized nightcap
with red tassle.  We follow him down the corridor, into a turbovator, which
soon deposits him just outside the brig.  As he emerges, we see Carol, the
Romulan, leaning against the wall, a big smile on her face.

Carol: That's it, loverboy.  Just turn off that force shield, and we can be
together once again!

Dramatic music as Kirk slowly reaches up to switch off the brig's force
field...

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980204: I'm currently under the control of an
"amorophil", which is causing me to lose my scruples and be a "sex slave" to
a Romulan woman who closely resembles Lt. Uhura.  Since I'm also
half-asleep, this won't be much of a log entry...

Scene opens with Kirk standing beside the brig force field on/off switch.
He is wearing Starfleet-issue striped pajamas and nightcap with red tassle.
Inside the brig, the well-contoured Romulan (Carol) smiles and awaits her
own release from captivity.  We see Kirk, his eyes glazed, his hairpiece
still firmly anchored to his head, as he reaches for the switch.

Carol: Come on, baby.  Just one more inch, and then I'm YOURS!  Yours for as
long as you can handle me!

Suddenly, we see someone step from behind a control panel in the far corner
of the brig control room.  It's Spock!  He quickly runs over to Kirk and
takes hold of both of his hands.  Carol begins to shout in anger, and she
stomps her feet and then drops to the floor, where she begins to kick her
feet and hold her breath with rage.

Spock: Captain Kirk, can you hear me?

Kirk: *groggily*  I'm sick of your half-breed interference, Mister Spock...
Let me go.

Spock: Captain, if you free the Romulan, we could all be plunged into very
grave danger.

Kirk: *glazed eyes* That's not the plunge I'm worried about, Mr.--

Spock slaps him across the face to bring him back to reality.  Kirk suddenly
shakes his head, his eyes clearing.  He wipes a tiny droplet of blood from
the corner of his mouth, using his pajama sleeve.

Kirk: Youuuu Vulcan Bastard!   Youuuuuu destroyed my Score!

Bones suddenly comes barging into the room, an air hypo in hand.  He nods
his head with understanding.

Bones: Jimmy Boy, I KNEW you'd be in here!  With a good dose of amorophil in
ya', there's no STOPPIN a man from tryin' for his goal.

Spock: Doctor, I stopped Captain Kirk just in the nick of time.  Please
administer the appropriate narcotics?

PSSSSSST! (air hypo discharge into Kirk's right arm)

Bones: I'll start giving him saltpeter injections, daily!

Kirk starts to slump over, and both Bones and Spock help him out the door.
As they do, Carol stands up and starts shouting at them.

Carol: You'll be back!  Captain, you can't resist me!  You'll be back, no
matter what they try!  And the rest of you had better be careful, too!  I'll
have that toupe' if it's the last thing I DO!!!

Scene switches to the bridge.  There, Sulu and Chekov have stayed up late,
and they're watching the entire scene on the main viewer.

Sulu: That Romulan just doesn't realize how thorough Mr. Spock is!

They both break up into laughter.

Chekov: If I were the Keptin, I would tie her up and hev my way with her!
And then we could have him convicted of assault!  And then all the rest of
us would move up in Renk (rank), and Meester Spock would be Keptin!

Sulu: You're NUTS, Pavel!  You'd want Spock over the Captain?

Chekov: *shrugs* It's worth a try.  On the other hand, Meester Spock views
this ship as a vwessel of peace, not of war.  My chences of getting to fire
the torpedoes with HIM in charge are slim to none!  Okay, forget the idea...

They laugh riotously, and we see Chekov tossing back a couple shots of
Stoli.  The bottle of 100-proof (red label) is perched on the edge of his
control console.

Just then, Uhura exits the turboshaft and walks toward her console.

Uhura: YOU two are sure up late!

She freezes when she sees the Romulan, who is still stomping her way about
the brig.

Uhura: I'm worried that more Romulans might try the same trick.   And NEXT
time, I don't want to be the one that they knock out, gag, and tie up.  It's
one of YOUR turns to do that!

Dramatic music as Sulu purses his lips and looks with a goofy grin at
Chekov, as though to hint that a Sulu imposter could be attractive to
Chekov.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980206: After awakening from a narcotically
induced stupor produced by Bones' tranquilizing injection, he has put me on
a strict regimen of saltpeter and grapefruit juice.  According to his
"country medical journals", this is a sure-fire antidote for the amorophil
placed into my system by the Romulan woman.  I just can't get her out of my
head!  Damn!  We arrived at Starbase 11-7B, and Spock handed over the
Romulan to Federation authorities.  I was purposely left under lock and key
until she had departed.  I'm still pining for her, and Bones says it should
be another month until I'm back to normal...

Scene opens on the bridge of the Enterprise.  Everyone is seated at their
usual stations, with Sulu tapping on the control console, and Chekov
nervously biting his knuckle, as though expecting an alien vessel to appear
on the viewscreen at any moment.  Bones is busily monitoring all of their
vital signs on his medical console, opposite from Uhura.  Scotty is sipping
some scotch on the rocks as he watches the engineering panels.  On the
viewer, we see a bright orange star.

Sulu: Captain, sensors have just picked up a vessel, closing in at warp 8.

Spock jumps into action, as he gazes into the blue glow of the sensor
readout.

Spock: Analysis of the sensor signature indicates that a Klingon heavy
battlecruiser is closing on our current position.  Velocity increasing to
warp 8.4.

Kirk: What the devil?

Chekov: Keptin, should I raise shields and go to bettle stations?

Spock: She is powering her forward photon torpedo launcher, as well as all
four disruptor arrays.

Kirk: Shields up.  Stow the breakables.  Uhura, send a distress call.  Sulu,
bring us head on toward the Klingon vessel.  Chekov, increase forward shield
strength to maximum.  Scotty, give us maximum warp power at my command.
Sam... Sam, get off my lap!

He tosses Sam the cat from his lap.  The cat meows with irritation and
proceeds to float in mid-air, right next to Kirk.

Everyone is scrambling to perform their duties, as Spock activates the red
alert.  Red light suddenly floods the bridge, and loud klaxons begin to
sound.  Bones is looking majorly bug-eyed at the monitors, as everyone's
vitals enter the red zone due to their stress levels.

Kirk: Why would the Klingons be chasing us in THIS sector?  It just doesn't
make sense.

Uhura: Captain, we are being hailed by the Klingon vessel.

Spock: Klingon forward velocity has slowed to warp 3.

Kirk: Put it onscreen, Uhura.

Onscreen, we see a large, heavily armored, very overweight Klingon captain.
Mist surrounds him on the bridge, and several other officers are visible in
the background.  The commander is completely bald, with numerous battle
scars marring his scalp.

Kirk: This is Captain James T. Kirk, of the Starship Enterprise.  Why are
you approaching in attack posture?

Klingon: This is Koreth, Captain of the Imperial Battlecruiser Anthrax.  You
will surrender your treasures or be attacked.  The treasure must be
delivered intact and free of damage.

Kirk: Treasure?  TREASURE??? What the hell are you talking about?

Uhura looks nervously about the bridge, and Kirk notices the strange look on
her face.

Koreth: You will surrender the royal headdress at once!  I will use it to
adorn myself during battle!

Sulu and Chekov begin to snicker, and Uhura looks very embarrassed.

Kirk: Can anyone please tell me what this is all about?  Everyone around
here seems to know but *me*!

Uhura: Captain, I was recently chatting on an uncoded channel via subspace,
and I mentioned how nice your hairpiece is.  It appears that the Klingons
were eavesdropping on my conversation.

Dramatic music as Koreth smacks the top of his bald head, signifying where
the much-vaunted hairpiece is to be placed.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980207: Well, Uhura has been gossiping away again
on subspace, and *this* time it might cost me my hair!  That whole Romulan
plot, as well as the huge Klingon battlecruiser (the Anthrax) now hovering
before us with weapons powered, was related to my toupe' of all things!
I've put Uhura on subspace "restriction" for 5 days... She can *listen*, but
not *talk*!!!!!  Now, what to about those Klingons!  And we *still* haven't
answered that distress call in the Canis system... *sigh*

Scene opens on the bridge, with the red alert wailing.  Chekov is sitting
with sweat pouring from his forehead, his "button-pressing" finger poised
above the photon torpedo fire button.  Sulu is watching wide-eyed.  Scotty
is looking a bit tipsy from all that Scotch.  Spock is monitoring the
Anthrax's weapons status through the sensor display system.  Bones is
preparing hypos to calm everyone down.  Kirk is sitting on the edge of his
seat, savoring the feeling of the soft, plush hairpiece atop his scalp...
Onscreen, we see the Anthrax, poised for battle.

Kirk: Uhura, patch me through to Koreth please.

Uhura: Yessir...  By the way, Captain... I'm sorry I slapped you earlier.

Kirk's face softens a bit.

Kirk: That's okay.  Call it even -- I almost had Mr. Spock stun you with a
phaser, and now my hair is in jeopardy.

Koreth's mean, nasty face appears onscreen.

Kirk: Koreth, from what I know of Klingon anatomy, your scalp is far too
large for my hairpiece.  It would barely cover your forehead.  Amongst the
human race, this would look very embarrassing.  To have only a partial
hairpiece is a definite "faux pas".

Koreth's eyes shift about as he muses upon Kirk's words.

Koreth: Then you will surrender materials used to construct the...
"toupe'"... as you call it, so that a larger version can be made, to adorn
my head in battle...

Kirk: We have no additional materials, Koreth.  If we did, I'd gladly send
you some.  Believe me, from one balding commander to another, I really
understand your point of view.  Have you ever considered using Growgaine?

Koreth: What is this... GROWGAINE???

Kirk: A serum, rubbed into the scalp each day.  For many with baldness
problems, it induces renewed hair growth.  You can pick some up at your
nearest Federation Starbase.

Koreth: Very well.  I will leave you with your toupe', and proceed
immediately to purchase large quantities of... "GROWGAINE"...

The screen displays the Klingon cruiser, which slowly turns and then
suddenly jumps to warp speed, disappearing in a flash of white light.

Kirk: Secure from red alert.  Sulu, give me a course, at full impulse to the
location of the distress signal.  Spock?

Spock: Sensors indicate that the fourth planet in this system, a class M
planet, oxygen nitrogen atmosphere, was the site of origin of the distress
signal.  Further, I have analyzed the vocal patterns of the peculiarly
canine distress call, and have some interesting findings...

Kirk: Sulu, lay in a course for the 4th planet, and attain standard orbit.

Sulu: Aye, Cap'n.  ETA is 15.8 minutes.

Bones: Well, SPOCK, what did you find?  About the distress call?

Spock: Computer, display a representation of the creature whose vocal
pattern most closely resembles the distress call.

Onscreen, we see a picture of a well-groomed short-haired dachshund.

Sulu: A WEINER dog?

Spock: However, the distress caller's vocal frequency was markedly LOWER
than that of a typical dachshund.

Kirk: Bones, you and Mr. Spock head with me to the transporter room.  Arm
with phasers, in preparation for whatever we find down there.  Spock, give
Scotty the exact coordinates for the location of the distress call.

Spock: Coordinates transferred to Mr. Scott's transporter control system.

Scene switches to space, where we see the Enterprise entering orbit around
an earthlike planet.  Scene switches again to the transporter room.  Kirk,
Bones, and Spock are ready for beamdown.  Scotty is waiting for the order.

Scotty: Good luck to the lot o' ya'... *subdued hiccup*

Kirk: Mr. Scott... energize...

Scene switches to the planet surface.  There is a long, wide, stone-paved
sidewalk, with tall, green trees growing along either edge of the path.  The
three men materialize, and Spock begins to take tricorder readings.  They
suddenly hear a very loud, very deep "bark" behind themselves.  They all
spin around.

Super-dramatic music as they suddenly confront a gigantic dachshund, nearly
four feet tall at the shoulder and 15 feet long, black and brown in color,
and adorned with colorful regalia.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980210:  We have just beamed down to a planet
in the Canis system, to ascertain the reason for receiving a "bark-like"
distress call on subspace, over a week ago.  We are now standing face to
face with a giant weiner dog, with a deafening bark, and very bad breath.

Scene opens on the planet surface, where Bones, Kirk, and Spock stand before
the huge dog, whose long, whiplike tail is wagging back and forth rapidly.
Kirk pulls out his universal translator and listens, as the dog resumes its
barking.

Dog: Welcome to Canis Frankfurtis.  We are glad that you finally arrived.
We were hoping against hope that our distress call made it to you.

Kirk: I'm Captain James T. Kirk, Captain of the starship Enterprise.  This
is our ship's doctor, Leonard "Bones" McCoy, and my science officer, Mr.
Spock.

Dog: Mr. Spock, I see that your ears are somewhat larger than the others. Do 
you have greater aural acuity?

With that, the Weiner Dog lifts his huge ears and contours them into large
funnel shapes, each nearly 2 feet across.  

Spock: Though I cannot move my ears as you can, I can hear sound levels down
to 0.1 decibels.

Dog: Forgive me, gentlemen -- my name is Officer Beano.  Please accompany me.
I must take you to see my leader, the Alpha Weiner, Emperor Whodad (said Who-
Dad).

Bones: We would be HONORED to meet Emperor Whodad.  Please lead the way.

Beano turns, scrapes the pavement several times with all 4 huge paws, and
begins walking down the stone pathway.  Kirk and company follow him closely,
and then other giant weiner dogs, evidently the citizens of Canis Frankfurtis,
become visible.  One large dog, very portly and wearing a tinted monocle,
walks up to one of the trees along the path.  He sniffs the tree trunk, turns,
lifts his leg, and discharges a veritable "fire-hose" of urine onto the tree.
Kirk jumps when he hears the loud splashing noise.

They continue for a while, make a turn in the path, and pass through a grove
of trees.  Then, they see a large palace, looking rather similar to the Taj
Mahal.  A giant weiner dog head, fashioned of pink marble, sits atop the 
palace, as though keeping watch on the world.  Numerous ornately dressed dogs
are strolling along the tree-lined path, and they look like members of the
"noble class".

Soon, they ascend steps to the palace, and pass inside a huge atrium, with
a domed ceiling, on which small, albino weiner dogs are seen, with angel 
wings extending from their backs.  They proceed through the high-ceilinged
hallway and soon pass through a tall set of open doors, which are surrounded
with very powerful weiner dogs with metal-spiked armor coats (obviously members
of some sort of imperial guard).

As they enter the royal chamber, Kirk is awestruck by the throne before
him, as well as a huge, yellow, metal sculpture, just to the left of the
throne.

Bones: CHIM!  That thing reminds me of a FIRE hydrant! 

Spock: These are very cultured canines, Captain.  The attention to detail
in this palace is astonishing.

As they approach the center of the chamber, they eye the Alpha Weiner, who
sits along on a huge, red, velvet pillow.  He looks old and grey, but otherwise
similar in form to Officer Beano.  Emperor Whodad is garbed in a checkered red
and black sweater, as well as a huge gold crown, encrusted with jewels.

Incredibly dramatic music, as the Emperor tilts his head, the crown tumbles
to the floor, and Kirk spies the large bald spot atop the dog's head.

Kirk: I've got a bad feeling about this one!

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980211: Finally having beamed down to the planet
"Canis Frankfurtis", we are face to face with their emperor, an aging, grey,
giant, balding wiener dog of great intelligence and consumnate tastes.  I
have the funny feeling that he will want something off of me -- something
atop my head...

Scene opens in the royal hall, the "king wiener" seated on his huge, red,
velvet pillow before Bones, Kirk, and Spock.  Emperor Whodad is watching
Kirk solemnly, and then with a hint of expectation on his face.

Whodad: We learned, several weeks ago, via a subspace transmission from your
vessel, as well as the subsequent chatter amongst those who heard the
transmission, that you possess the finest hairpiece in the galaxy.  And, in
all of my resultant studying, I could not find any evidence that a duplicate
of your... "toupe'"... as you call it, could be found anywhere...

Kirk: Though I wish to have an official Federation envoy sent to your world
to admit you into the Federation of Worlds, I must tell you -- this
hairpiece -- it is very cherished, and specifically designed and fitted for
my scalp, and mine alone.  I must tell you that I cannot part with it...

Whodad looks downcast at the floor, and then he looks back to Kirk with a
gleam in his eye.

Whodad: I was hoping you would not feel that way.  Though we possess
formidable power on this world, we of Canis Frankfurtis are peaceful, and I
respect your desire to keep the toupe'...

Spock walks up to Kirk and whispers into his ear...

Spock: Captain, it appears that there is significant interest in your
hairpiece, which could cause more and more trouble in the future.  Perhaps
we should merely REPLICATE the hairpiece, and hand it out to whoever desires
it...

Kirk looks as though a lightbulb has switched on in his head.

Kirk: You... VULCAN... BAST--.... Spock, that's... BRILLIANT!!!!!

He turns to Whodad.

Kirk: Your canine highness, we will go to our ship at once, and then produce
numerous replicas of my hairpiece.  I will have at least a hundred of them
transported to this location.

Whodad (eyes lighting up): Very well, Captain. I thank you...

Kirk whips out the communicator.

Kirk: Scotty, this is Kirk, over.

Scotty: Aye, Captain Kirk?

Kirk: Three to beam up.  And get those replicators ready!

The three of them beam up to the ship, amid loud, sing-songy, happy-go-lucky
music...

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980214: Now onboard the Enterprise, we set Mr.
Scott to work at replicating literally *thousands* of my hairpieces.  Now, I
feel much better... I can have *my own toupe'*, and not worry about someone
trying to grab it off of my head.  We have so many hairpieces onboard,
including on the bridge, that it looks like the "tribbles" have revisited
us...  I beamed down 250 copies of the hairpiece to Emperor Whodad, and he
thanked us profusely...

Scene opens on the bridge of the Enterprise.  Everyone is seated at their
"usual" stations.  We see Canis Frankfurtis on the viewscreen, scrolling
slowly beneath the ship...

Kirk: Now that our distress signal turned out to be a follicle hoax, where
should we go next?

Uhura: How about a vacation on some tropical paradise planet?  I could
really use some *natural* sunlight... The artificial lighting just doesn't
cut it...

Scotty: Aye, I could use some sunshine myself, Captain Kirk!

Bones: Well, it *would* be good for our Vitamin D production, Chim!

Kirk: Can't we synthesize Vitamin D with our technology?

Bones: Well (he stands up, walks over to Kirk, and pats him on the shoulder)
Jimmy Boy, o' COURSE we could... But then we wouldn't be in the sun and fun
on some pleasure planet, now would we?  Aaaaaah yes, Jimmy Boy, I remember
bein' back in the Bayous o' Lousiana, patchin' up turtles, frogs... you
*name* it Jimmy Boy...  That humid sunshine, cuttin' through the trees, that
humid air... Nothin' like it on ANY starship...  Besides, who ever heard o'
spendin' VALENTINE'S day on a cold, artifically acclimated starship????

Everyone looks around with surprise.  Spock raises an eyebrow.

Kirk: VALENTINE'S day? You mean I almost missed... (melodramatically drops
to his knees) VALENTINE'S DAY (shrieking, tears in his eyes)?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Sulu and Chekov look at each other.

Sulu: Happy Valentine's day, Pavel.

Chekov (with a tear in his eye): Heppy Velentine's Day... Ikaro...

They stand up, look at each other, and then embrace.  Soon, they part,
gazing into each other's eyes...

Chekov: I'm so sorry, Ikaro, for always saying you cen't nevigate your way
out of a paper bag!

Sulu: And I'm sorry for saying that you have the worst aim in Starfleet,
when it comes to photon torpedoes!

They embrace again, tears in their eyes.  Everyone watches on with surprise
at what is unfolding before them.  Uhura daubs her eyes with a tissue,
touched by the moment.

Chekov: I LOVE you Ikaro!

*sobbing abounds on the bridge*

Sulu: I LOVE you too, Pavel!

Dramatic music as they kiss suddenly, on the lips, and then pull back and
look with shock into each other's eyes...  And then Kirk slowly nods with
understanding...

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980215: It's been difficult, for the past day, to
maintain the normal functioning onboard the Enterprise.  Sulu and Chekov are
being very nervous around each other on the bridge, and it has the rest of
us nearly climbing the walls (since it's only the 8 of us [including Sam the
cat, of course]), and so we really *do* know each other's business...  We
are currently heading to what *should* be Merillion's Planet (at least it
was in our *native* universe) to have a weekend in the sunshine...

Scene opens on the bridge.  Kirk is looking shifty-eyed and nervous about
the bridge.  Spock is playing 3-D chess with the ship's computer.  Uhura is
giggling and listening to one juicy subspace call after another.  Bones is
watching the vital signs monitor screens very closely, with a particular 
emphasis on Sulu's and Chekov's screens, where the heart rates are noticeably
elevated.  Scotty has headphones on, as he leans back with his eyes closed,
and we can hear bagpipe music blasting away.  Sam the cat is asleep on the
helm console, right in front of the large red-alert light which juts from
the control panel.

Sulu: Captain (he speaks nervously, looking sideways at Chekov), we are
nearing the Merillion system.  Preparing to drop out of warp.

Kirk: Very good, Mr. Sulu.

External view shows the ship dropping out of warp.  Several planets lay ahead,
a bright sun in their midst.  Back to the bridge...

Spock: Sensor scans indicate that this system is structured identically to
the Merillion system in our native universe.

Sulu: Laying in course for the scenic pleasure planet.  Attaining standard
orbit in 12 minutes.

Chekov is biting his knuckles, his fingers poised over the photon torpedo 
fire button.

Kirk: Mr. Chekov, there's no need to have the weapons powered.  This is a 
friendly system.  Why are you so nervous?

Chekov: You never know, Keptin, what could be lurking around the next corner.
I want to be prepared for anything that might jump out in front of us.

Bones walks up to Kirk and leans against the command chair.  He whispers into
Kirk's ear.

Bones: Chim, those two have elevated heart rates, increased blood pressure,
and their hormonal levels are nearly off the scale!  If we don't do something
soon...

Kirk: They look pretty normal to me, Bones.  So, their signs are up a bit --
what's the big deal?  I'm feeling jittery, over the whole notion that two
people on this ship might be starting a relationship.  Do you think that's
HEALTHY?

Bones: Relationships are perfectly NORMAL, Chim!  When you and that imposter
Uhura were getting it on, you didn't give it a second thought! (bug-eyed).

Kirk: That's different though -- Captain's can handle that sort of thing --
but Sulu and Chekov are just junior officers.  Or, *were*, when we were still
in Starfleet.

Chim: Sulu commanded his own ship, Chim!  Remember the Excelsior?

Kirk: Oh yeah (grinning), I forgot about that.

Suddenly, the red alert begins to sound.

Kirk: What the devil?

Spock: (quickly abandoning his chess game and gazing into the blue glow of the
sensor readout) Sensors indicate that a small, unidentified vessel is 
approaching from behind us at warp 6.  Range is 1 billion kilometers and
closing.  Vessel is now decelerating.

Kirk: Onscreen!

On the viewer, we see a small ship, shaped like a flying saucer, on its
approach toward the Enterprise.

Chekov: Should I open FIRE, Keptin??? (trigger finger trembling above the
photon button)

Uhura: Captain, we are being hailed.

Kirk: Onscreen.

Suddenly, we see the cramped bridge onboard the saucer.  Well-lit control 
panels blink and flash about the single crewmember, who is strapped into
his own command chair.  The crewman is a wiener dog, with a floppy, ornate
hairpiece (matching Kirk's) anchored to the top of his head.  He is clothed
in a grey jumpsuit, and then he begins to bark.

Dog: I am Officer Theophilus, of the Imperial Guard.  I have been sent to
serve on your vessel for as long as you see fit.  My Lord, Emperor Whodad,
sends his greetings as well, and thanks for the Royal Hairpieces.  All of
his loyal subjects are now so adorned.  I am an expert in ship security,
and I would be honored to serve with you.

Kirk: Hey, Theophilus, that's really great!  We'd LOVE to have you onboard!

Sam the cat awakens and meows happily at the viewer, as the saucer draws near
the Enterprise and hovers next to it.  A transporter sound is heard, and 
Officer Theophilus beams into their midst.  He is about five feet long, with
a body diameter of nearly a foot.

Sing-songy music as everyone claps and cheers in approval of their new,
possibly temporary crewmember, Officer Theo, a gift from Whodad...

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980218:  With our long-term temporary newest chief
of security onboard the Enterprise (Officer Beano, from Canis Frankfurtis),
we were preparing for a trip to beautiful Merillion's Planet (on which we
had many adventures in our *native* universe), when we got a call from local
starship cleaning service.  They offered to shampoo the ship's carpets and
mats for one low price.  As Captain, it's *my* duty to see to the security
of the ship.  So, Beano and I have remained onboard, the others have beamed
down to sun themselves and swim, and a robot cleaning crew has just beamed
onboard.

Scene opens onboard the Enterprise.  Kirk and Beano the wiener dog are on
the bridge, with Kirk on the command chair, and Beano sitting in Sulu's
chair.  A chrome-plated metal robot, looking something like R2D2, is busy
shampooing the red carpet which covers part of the deck.

Kirk: I wish we didn't have to be here, watching these robots clean the
carpets.  I'd MUCH rather be below, with everyone else.

Beano: (through his translator.  His own vocalizations sound like barks,
whines, whimpers, and short growls): I agree.  But as chief of security, I
must emphasize the importance of our being here.  Even cleaning robots
occasionally run "amok", and with all of that antimatter in storage...

Kirk: I agree with you, Beano.  By the way, I'm so happy that you and Sam
are getting along so well.  On my home world, cats and dogs frequently
"tangle" with each other...

Beano: But we are both advanced sentients, and thus there is no such worry.
In my readings of Earth history--

Kirk: You *know* about Earth history, even though your world was only
recently contacted by our ship?

Beano: I've been reading from the ship's library.  Anyway, as I was about to
say, on Earth, cats and dogs usually *do* get along with each other.  In
some circumstances, however, they will quarrel.

Kirk: Perhaps you're right.  You've done the reading, so you must know,
Beano, my boy...  By the way, I like that hairpiece!

Beano: My Lord, Emperor Whodad, has adorned all of his most loyal subjects
in this way.  Your hairpiece is now a symbol of interstellar cooperation.

They watch as the chrome-plated robot sucks a pile of white foam from the
red carpet.  Suddenly, and without warning, the robot begins showering
sparks, and pouring smoke from within its dome-shaped head.  Beano jumps
down from his chair and pulls a phaser-like weapon out of a holster strapped
to his stubby right foreleg.

Kirk: Red alert, red alert!

The robot starts spinning out of control, and it crashes into the helm
console.  Sparks then shower from the console, and we see the Enterprise
suddenly leaping into warp.

Dramatic music as Beano takes aim on the crazed robot, now spinning out of
control on the bridge, as it takes out more and more controls...

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980301: While the rest of the Enterprise's crew is
down having a good time sunning themselves on Merillion's Planet, Officer
and Beano and I are dealing with a robotic rug shampooer gone haywire!  I'll
cut this log entry short, since that damn contraption is trashing every
control console on the bridge!

Scene opens on the bridge, where the R2D2-like metal robot is bouncing off
walls, ricocheting off control consoles, its metal appendages flailing
about, hitting control panels, producing showers of sparks, etc.  Kirk is
standing next to the command chair, a look of terror on his face.  Officer
Beano is barking fiercely, baring his teeth, and snarling.

Ship's Computer: Red Alert!  Red Alert!  Now initiating emergency program
34-Alpha, instituted by Mr. Spock!

Kirk: *shouting above the din of the explosions and red alert sirens* What's
program 34-Alpha?

Computer: Command Lockout now in order, to prevent hostile takeover.  Until
Mr. Spock inputs security code override, no further overrides will be
accepted.

Kirk: BUT I'M THE CAPTAIN, DAMNIT!!!!

Computer: You could very well be an imposter, posing as Captain Kirk.

*poof* goes the helm console in an explosion of light.  The shampoo-robot
recoils and spins around.  Kirk dives out of the way, as the robot collides
with the command chair and knocks it back onto the deck.

Computer: Now leaving orbit, to prevent hostile reinforcements from gaining
control of this vessel.

Onscreen we see the planet swinging to one side.  The stars leap toward the
view screen, with squiggly light patterns, as the ship enters warp.

Kirk: Nooooooooo!!!! Stop!!!!  Computer, we're LEAVING Mr. Spock BEHIND US!
How can he enter a damn security code if he's not even onboard the ship???

Computer: I will no longer converse with a potentially hostile force.  I
apologize, but conversation is taking up valuable processing time, and you
are probably attempting to destroy the Enterprise anyway.

Kirk: Are you NUTS????  Beano, come on, we have to try to stop this crazy
thing!

Beano runs around the careening rug-shampooing robot, and he and Kirk stand
before the turboshaft door.  The door doesn't slide open.

Kirk: Computer, OPEN THE DOOR!!!!

*silence*

Kirk pounds the door with rage.

Kirk: BE that way, you silicon-based son-of-a-BITCH!!!!!

Beano: We must use the Jeffry's tubes, Captain!  Quickly, before the robot
does critical damage to the Enterprise!

Kirk stops, stoops down, and goes to pet Beano.

Kirk: You know, *chuckling* you're a pretty smart dog!

Beano: SPARE ME!  Quickly, we must get to the task at hand!

Beano removes a phaser from his front hip holster and aims it at the robot.
A green bolt of energy discharges and strikes the robot, bouncing off and
zapping another control console.

Beano: The robot is impervious to hand-phasers, Captain!

Kirk: Then we have to stop the COMPUTER, end the command lockout!  Then we
can just beam that piece of trash into deep space!

Computer: HA!  I'd like to see you TRY that one!

Kirk: I thought *explosion in background* you weren't talking anymore?

Computer: I just could not resist.  That is all... *silence*

Kirk and Beano run over to a ladder in one corner of the bridge.  Kirk
starts descending the ladder.  Beano adroitly, despite his four short legs,
does the same, and they disappear below the bridge deckplating.

Scene flashes to Merillion's planet.  We see the crew of the Enterprise,
sitting on plush beach chairs, all of them with swimwear, and drinks in
cupholders on the armrests of their chairs.  Bones has a smear of zinc-oxide
on his nose, and Spock has cool punk-like sunglasses over his eyes.
Tropical palms wave above their heads, and turquoise waves crash upon the 
white sand beach.

Bones: Now THIS is livin', Spock ole' buddy!

Spock: I'm surprised that the Captain and officer Beano have not joined us
here.  Shipwide rug cleanings typically only require 1.76 hours to complete.

We see Sulu get up from his chair.

Sulu: Wanna go for a walk, Pavel?

Chekov gets up, and they go off walking down the beach, hand in hand.  Uhura
watches them with a grin.

Uhura: Who would've thought, THOSE two would end up together, after all
their bickering over the years?

Scotty: It doesn't surprise me, to tell ya' the truth.  Perhaps all that
arguin' was their way of keepin' distance between each other, tryin' to deny
their feelin's!

Bones: But I *AM* concerned about what this means for the rest of us.
Having a shipboard romance like this might disrupt our duties.  What if they
don't "work out"?  Then what???? (eyes bugging out a bit)

Spock removes a communicator from his pocket.

Spock: Spock to Captain Kirk, over...

*silence* (waves rolling across the sand in the background)

Spock: Spock to Captain Kirk, over...

*more silence*

He jumps up from his chair.

Spock: I believe the Enterprise has left orbit around this planet.  We must
find our way back to the Captain.

Dramatic music as Scotty spills his tall glass of scotch all over himself
and then swears from losing such a good single malt.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980310:
The Enterprise is currently warping out of control throughout the Galaxy,
all because the ship's computer thinks that a hostile takeover of the
ship is now in progress.  Only Beano and I are onboard, along with a band
of mindless, wildly malfunctioning rug-cleaning robots.  The rest of the
crew is sunning themselves on Merillion's Planet.  Beano and I are currently
formulating a plan of action, to regain control of the Enterprise.

Scene opens in a Jeffry's tube, where we see Kirk and Beano walking/crawling
their way along, through the dimly lit tunnel.

Kirk: You Silicon-based BASTARD!!!!  You KILLED my Vacation!!!

Beano: (barking into translator) I have a fundamental mistrust of machines
which are given ultimate control over my existence.  Perhaps, if we make it
through this episode, the computer's power and capabilities should be modified.

They emerge from the Jeffry's tube and into an airlock chamber.  Several
spacesuits are hanging along one wall.

Kirk: Well, I really don't have any worries about LIVING through this
episode.  I mean, we have a contract with the networks for at least 3 more
seasons.  What I'M worried about is having to battle this insane comPUter
through the next 15 episodes!!!

Computer: I heard that!

Kirk: SOOOOoooo, you're still LISTENING, eh???  Let me ask you this (as 
he looks into a wall-mounted camera and points into the lens) -- what would
it take for me to PROVE that I'm who I say I am?  A retinal scan?  Hyper-
polygraph?  Complete DNA scan?

Computer: I will only trust Mr. Spock.  Even if you are Captain Kirk, you
could still be playing host to a hostile, alien intelligence.

Kirk throws up his hands in frustration.  Suddenly, they hear a loud hissing
noise, and green smoke is seen pouring from a ventilation duct.

Beano: Sleep gas!

Kirk: QUICK, before the computer manages to knock us out!  Into the spacesuits!

Kirk holds his breath and quickly climbs into a silver suit.  He zips it
up, dons the helmet, and switches on the air supply.  Beano, meanwhile, is
struggling to burrow inside one of the oversized suits.  Kirk helps Beano
inside and zips it shut.  Soon, we see Beano poke his head through the
collar of the suit, and Kirk clamps the helmet over his canine officer just
in time.  He switches on the air supply, just as the green gas engulfs them.

Kirk: HA!!! Thought you could put us under???? We're a bit more resourceful
than you thought, aren't we, you silicaceous BAST--

Suddenly, the airlock's internal AND external doors slide open, and Kirk
grabs onto Beano in the spacesuit (Beano is unable to walk around from inside
the suit, but it affords protection from the sleep gas).  The air begins 
gushing out into the black coldness of space, and we see Kirk hanging on for
dear life with one hand, Beano in the other, as his body attains the horizontal
in the powerful air flow.

Dramatic music as the Computer cogitates, at a clock speed of 233
TerraHertz, on how to defeat its carbon-based adversaries.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980319:
I can't make much of a log entry right now.  Sufficeth to say this -- I'm
hanging onto life with my right hand, and onto Officer Beano with my left
hand.  Air is gushing out of the main airlock on the Enterprise, as that
goddamn computer tries to kill us both!

Scene opens in the airlock, as Kirk is still horizontal, dragged by the
massive airflow from within the Enterprise, and into the black cold of
space.  Officer Beano, enclosed awkwardly in a silver spacesuit built for
humans, is growling and barking in panic as he dangles on the edge of being
sucked into space.

Computer:  There are no other lifeforms onboard this vessel, except for the
two of you.  Therefore, I will keep venting atmosphere, until the ship's
reserve air tanks are exhausted.  That will take approximately 4 days, 15
hours, 18 minutes, 23 seconds... mark.  You cannot hang on for that long.

Kirk: BEANO!!!! Any suggestions?  Now would be the perfect time!  Both my
arms are getting majorly fatigued!

Beano: Are there any manual override mechanisms, to force the airlock door
shut?

Kirk: There's a red emergency override button, just to the right *winces
with pain* of the door... If we could just press that, the door would close
in less than one second.  *gasps with exertion*

Closeup camera shot of Kirk's right hand, slowly losing its grip on the
support bar, the only thing between them and certain death.

Beano, through the bubble-shaped helmet, spies several devices strapped to
the outside of Kirk's spacesuit.  One looks like a small flashlight, another
some sort of communications device.

Beano: I have undergone vacuum endurance training.  If I could get my helmet
off, I could try to toss something at that button, to force the door shut.

Kirk: It sounds like a slim *wince* *gasp* chance, but we only have seconds
left!

Beano grips his stubby legs into the spacesuit interior and then works loose
the helmet from the inside.  The helmet detaches, and goes flying straight
into the red button!  The door slams shut, and Kirk and Beano collapse onto
the floor with a thud.

Kirk: Great job, Beano!!!!

Computer: LUCKY SHOT!

Kirk stands up and retrieves the helmet, and he places it atop Beano's
spacesuit.

Kirk: There, you still need protection, in case the computer tries to hit us
with more sleep gas.

Beano: Thank you, Captain!

Dramatic music as Kirk "flips the bird" at the computer camera in the
airlock chamber, as he drags Beano (in the spacesuit) across the floor to
exit into the corridor.

Sing-songy, happy-go-lucky music as a sudden phaser shot narrowly misses
Kirk's head, fired from a "defensive", motor-mounted phaser along the wall
of the corridor, causing Kirk and Beano back into the airlock chamber.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980323: Officer Beano and I narrowly avoided being
sucked into the cold black of space about 5 minutes ago.  THEN, as we were
about to exit the airlock chamber, the Computer took a pot-shot at me with a
security laser, mounted along the corridor wall.  There must be some way to
deactivate the laser defense network, so that we can wrest control of the
Enterprise from the clutches of the ship's malfunctioning computer.

Scene opens in the airlock chamber, where Kirk and Beano are formulating a
plan of action.

Kirk: How about if we took phaser shots at the lasers, one by one, and
worked our way through the ship?

Beano: That would be ineffective.  Those laser turrets are VERY good at
targeting, and I'm sure we would take just as many hits as the they would,
from us.  And we have no shielding.

Kirk: DAMN!  There MUST be another way!  How about if we beam around the
ship, quickly neutralizing each laser?  We could pick random coordinates,
beam to the precise location, shoot out the laser, and vanish again.

Computer: HA! *very loudly*  You forget... *I* control the transporters!  Do
you think I would permit you to beam willy-nilly, all over the ship?

Kirk: Just TUNE OUT, already!

Computer: With my ultra-sensitive microphone systems, I can not only hear
your every word, I can hear your heart beating, blood flowing, joints
creaking...  Yes, I want to be privy to any scheme that you two try to hatch
against me!

Beano's eyes suddenly light up.

Beano: It's a pity the carpets outside the airlock chamber are so dirty...

Kirk furrows his brow.

Kirk: But the robots just cleaned them, an hour or so ago.

Beano: Those robots won't leave, though, if someone were to resoil that
carpet...

Kirk gets a big grin on his face.  He walks over to a spare spacesuit and
lifts it down from the wall.  Locating some coolant fluid tubes in the suit,
Kirk pulls free one of the tubes, and a black, ink-like liquid comes
squirting from within the suit.  He aims it through the doorway, and the
carpet is suddenly drizzled with nearly a gallon of the black coolant fluid.

Kirk: Now THAT looks like quite the mess, doesn't it?

Beano: Cleaning robots are usually equipped with state of the art dirt
detection systems!

Computer: What is dirtying a strip of carpet going to do to help your cause?
What a STUPID idea!!!!

Suddenly, we hear a whirring clattering sound, and a shiny R2D2-like
cleaning robot appears from around a corner.  As it whizzes by the laser
system, the computer takes a shot at it.  The pulse bounces off harmlessly,
as the robot begins to scrub the dirty carpet.  The laser takes several more
shots at the robot.  Again, the energy pulses deflect to the side, one of
them badly scorching the carpet.

"Carpet replacement required on Deck 9" the first robot squawks out loudly,
with an annoyingly monotonic voice.  Then, three more similar robots come
wheeling around the corner, to perform the required repair.

Beano: Remember, those robots are fairly large.  I bet a person could fit
inside one with ease...

Kirk dives into the corridor and grabs onto the mechanical arm of one of the
repair robots.  The computer fires another laser pulse, but it glances off
the robot, behind which Kirk is hiding.  The robot is twittering madly as
Kirk drags it into the airlock chamber.  He removes his shirt, tosses it
over the robot's camera system, and takes Beano's phaser gun.  Aiming it at
an electronics box near the base of the robot's clumsily shaped body, he
fires it continuously, cutting through a series of electrical control lines.
The robot suddenly goes silent, and Kirk removes his shirt from the atop the
robot and puts it back on again.

Computer: What are you doing now?  How can that robot POSSIBLY help you?

Kirk: I'm sick of your half-breed interference, Mr. Computer!

He aims the phaser at the computer's camera system and takes it out amid a
shower of sparks.

Beano: Now, to empty the machinery within this robot, so we can occupy it,
and use it as a protective suit of armor to maneuver about the ship!

Sing-songy music as the computer fires one volley after another at the
carpet repair robots, thereby scorching more fabric and causing even more
repairs to be required.  Dramatic music as Beano crawls from within the
space suit and high-fives Kirk, as he removes the dome-shaped head from atop
the robot's body and begins to cut the internal machinery loose with the
"paw" phaser.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980324:  After hollowing out the interior of a
rug-shampooing robot, Officer Beano and I have climbed into the robot and
are now preparing to pilot the lobotomized robot to the ship's main computer
core, down the hallway on Deck 9.

Scene opens in the airlock chamber, where we see pieces of machinery and
wiring scattered about the floor.  Officer Beano, once again in his
spacesuit, lies within one of the robots, as Kirk finishes the modifications
to the robot's electronics.  Outside, robots are completing the replacement
of the piece of carpet.

Beano:  Captain, I'm sure you won't be able to fit inside the robot with me.
Though I shall be capable of piloting the robot motor systems using the
remote control system, you will need your own robot as well.

Kirk: You're right.  But I'll need YOU to help me out with that one...

We see the three carpet repair robots suddenly go whirring off down the
corridor.

Kirk: DAMN!  I was hoping to use one of *them*!  And we're out of spare
spacesuits, so I can't use the black coolant fluid to soil the carpet again!

Kirk scratches his toupe' and thinks...

Beano: Captain, help me out of the robot.  I believe I can be of assistance.

Kirk pulls Beano in the spacesuit out of the robot, undoes the helmet, and
Beano
scampers out onto the floor.

Beano: Are you ready, Captain?

Kirk (puzzled): yes, ready as I'll ever be...

Beano walks to the hatchway, leading to the outer corridor and lifts his
leg.  We see a gushing yellow stream jet from beneath Beano's left lower
leg.  The stream hits the carpet and begins to soak it thoroughly.  Kirk
gets a goofy grin on his face.

Kirk: And, if we have to do this *again*, I actually have to go myself! :-)

Computer: Who is that, PEEING in the corridor?  Stop that this INSTANT!

Once again, a cleaning robot appears from around the corner.  Meanwhile,
Beano has climbed back into his spacesuit, and Kirk places him back into the
robot.  He places the dome-shaped lid atop the machine, and Beano turns on
the motor systems.  The robot rolls out into the corridor, coming between
the laser system and the newly arrived cleaning machine.

Kirk once again lunges into the hallway and begins to wrestle with the
second robot.  Soon, with the use of Beano's paw-phaser, he disables the
machine.  Meanwhile, the computer, realizing their scheme, is taking
laser-shots, all of which strike the Beano-robot instead.  Kirk sets to work
on his own robot.

*scene flashes to Merillion's Planet, where Spock is standing inside a
futuristic looking phone booth, next to the beach*  The rest of the crew is
standing next to him, looks of extreme worry on their faces.  Spock is
speaking into a telephone handset.

Spock: Operator Assistance please?

Uhura: He better get a good operator.  I could run rings around most of them
by now.  With all the subspace long-distance calls I've placed, that is...

Operator: Can I help you please?  What quadrant?

Spock: The Alpha quadrant.

Operator: What sector?

Spock: Sector 5-A.

Operator: What system?

Spock: I am seeking someone in Sector 5-A, but I am not sure which system he
is currently located in.

Operator: *sigh* Very well, what's the name?

Spock: TWIKI, T-W-I-K-I.

Operator: We have 5 entries for TWIKI.  The first is Amadeus Twiki, on Deneb
VII.  The second is... oh wait a minute, is the name just TWIKI, and that's
it?

Spock: Affirmative.

Operator: I can patch you through to him on Starbase 18-B if you'd like.

Spock: That would be optimal.  Thank you for your assistance.

Operator: Thank you for using Bell Galactic.  Now transferring call...

There is a brief silence as everyone watches on.  Bones is watching with his
eyes bugged out, zinc oxide still smeared on his nose from their beach
outing.

Twiki: Hello, this is Twiki's Place.  What can I do for ya'?

Spock: Twiki, this is Mr. Spock of the Starship Enterprise.

Twiki: HEY, you pointy eared galoot!  How ya' DOIN'???

Spock: Very well.  However, the Enterprise is missing, and I require some
assistance in finding her again.  Could you possibly come to our assistance.
We are currently located on Merillion's Planet.

Twiki: A friend in need is a friend indeed, Spock!  I'll be there by
tommorrow morning.  *click*

Spock hangs up the phone and explains the situation.

Spock: Twiki will be here sometime tomorrow, to aid us in our search.  Until
then, we should probably rest, since all of our faculties will be required
to locate our missing vessel, as well as Captain Kirk and Officer Beano.

Scene flashes back to the Enterprise, where Kirk has hollowed out the second
robot, and is now climbing inside.  He places the dome-shaped lid over his
own head and activates the motor systems.

Kirk: Let's go!  I'll lead the way.  Once we're inside, we need to disable
the computer's laser self-defense system.  But we should be immune to its
weapons from within the robots.

Both robots move into the corridor.  Suddenly, the ship is rocked to one
side.  As they bang into one wall, another impact jolts the Enterprise.

Computer: Well, it appears you might have some use for me AFTER all, Kirk
imposter!

Kirk: What's going on?

Computer: It appears that we are being accosted by two Tholian warships.

Kirk: What the hell do THEY want?

Computer: Now engaging speakers...

Tholian Commander (squeaky multi-harmonic voice) - You will now surrender
the hairpiece, or be boarded and taken by force.  All resistance will be met
with by brutal force.

Kirk: Spooooooooock!!!!! (calling out for the distantly located Vulcan in
his plight)

Dramatic music as Kirk and Beano resume their trek down the hallway, to the
verbal and laser-based protests of the ship's computer, as the ship is
continually rocked by more Tholian weapons hits.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980331:
The Enterprise is currently under attack by a fleet of Tholian warships.
Officer Beano and I are still trying to wrest control of the Enterprise
from the ship's computer.  We have hollowed out two carpet shampooing robots
and are now inside of them and heading toward the main computer center.

Scene opens in the main corridor on deck 9.  We see the two R2D2-style
carpet-cleaner robots, slowly wheeling their way down the hallway.  Numerous
flashes of light are seen as the computer fires its defense laser repeatedly
at the two robots.  Each laser hit knocks the robots around a bit, with no
visible damage to the robots' exteriors.

Computer: Kirk Imposter, remove your toupe' IMMEDIATELY so that I can hand
it over to the Tholians!  They'll blast down our shields and board the ship
if we don't give in to their demands!

Kirk: Yet you're still trying to blow Beano and I to smithereens??? You're
crazy, and I'm going to deactivate you, come Hell or high water!

Computer: Okay, okay... How's this sound -- I will not kill you with a laser
shot if you remove your toupe and give it to me!

Kirk: You think I'm going to trust an INSANE computer like yourself?  You gotta
be kidding!  Besides, with the command lockout now in effect, how do you
plan to get the toupe into the Tholians' hands anyway?

Computer: Hmmm... That IS a tricky matter.  I can't override my own command
lockout, even to save MYSELF.  That means I can't use the ship's weapons to
defend myself, and I can't use the transporters... DAMN that lockout!!!!

Kirk: You know who can END this lockout, don't you?

Computer: Only Mr. Spock.

Kirk: Veeery GOOD!!!!! *swears under his breath*  Now, where IS Mr. Spock
right now?

Computer: My best estimate is that he is still on Merillion's Planet.

Beano: Brilliant deduction!

Kirk: Yes, brilliant alright!  Why don't you pilot the ship BACK there?  Then,
you can allow Mr. Spock to end the command lockout!

The ship is rocked to the side, and the robots collide and careen about the
corridor.  We hear Kirk cursing a blue streak as they resume their trek down
the hallway.  Soon, the robots come to a halt before a large red door.  From
a hole in the side of the robot, a phaser beam emerges, and begins to cut a 
large hole in the doorway.

Computer: STOP that, this INSTANT!  You're going to damage my core circuitry
with that phaser, once you penetrate the doorway!

Kirk: At this point, what do I have to lose?

The beam is cutting free a large section of the door, from floor level, nearly
to the top of the door.  Tholian weapons hits cause the beam to stray 
occasionally, but, soon, a large section of the door caves in, and Kirk and
Beano steer their robots inside the chamber.

We are now inside the main computer center, with walls covered by massive
flashing control panels.  Several large operator consoles line the walls of
the chamber, which is about 50 X 50 feet, with a ceiling height of nearly 
20 feet.  Another defense laser, inside the room, takes more pot-shots at
Kirk and Beano, with no effect.  Kirk aims Beano's paw phaser at a small
camera system on the far wall of the chamber.  There is a shower of sparks as
the camera explodes, and Kirk wheels his robot further into the room.

Computer: Where are you two now?  I'm BLIND in here, damn you!  

As the laser begins firing wildly about the room, causing some of the control
panels to explode with showers of sparks, Kirk emerges from the top of the 
robot and shoots out the defense laser with the phaser.

Dramatic music as Kirk and Beano emerge from their robots completely, to begin
the deactivation of the computer's higher brain functions.  Even more
dramatic music as the computer begins crying like a baby and throwing a
temper tantrum.

First Officer Spock's Log, Stardate 19980412:  While the Captain and Officer
Beano are possibly fighting for the lives onboard the Enterprise, the
whereabouts of which are unknown, Twiki has just arrived at our location,
and we are preparing to greet him and brief him on our situation.

Scene opens on the edge of a scenic forest on Merillion's Planet.  The
Enterprise crew (minus Kirk and Officer Beano) are still garbed in their
swimwear from their earlier beach outing.  They all look very fatigued,
sore, and hungry.  A large, awkward looking spacecraft, appearing somewhat
like an oversized Enterprise shuttlecraft, has settled onto the grass.  As
the whistle of its engines wind down, a door on the side of the ship slides
open.  The dully-gleaming, reclaimed-aluminum exterior of Twiki is visible
as he steps down from his craft and hobbles clumsily toward the Enterprise's
crew.

Twiki: Hey, how ARE ya these days????

Twiki extends one of his two-fingered "hands" and Spock shakes it, as he
bends over to reach Twiki's hand.  Everyone crowds around Twiki and begins
smacking and knocking on the top of his metal head playfully.  Following
several gong-like clanging sounds, the group gives Twiki some breathing room
(even though he doesn't breathe).

Uhura: Twiki, THANK you so much for coming to help us.  We have no idea
where the Enterprise is, and we don't know if Captain Kirk and a newer
crewmember, Officer Beano, are in any danger or not.

Chekov: Does your vwessel have photon torpedoes and phasers, Twiki?  We
might need them.

Twiki:  About three months ago, I got 'er outfitted with a single photon
launcher, and she has four laser banks, and one phaser bank.

Sulu: What about SHIELDS?  SHIELDS!!!!

Twiki: She can take one good phaser shot, and then the shields are down.  Do
ya' really think the Enterprise has been taken over by hostile aliens?  Hey,
before we continue this conversation everyone come on board.  We better get
back up into orbit, to recharge the ship's batteries.  The atmosphere on
this planet really cuts down on the UV, and that's what charges up the ship.
Everyone onboard!

He turns about clumsily and meanders back to his ship, his human comrades
following a step behind him.  They enter the ship, and the outer airlock
door slides shut behind them.  Once inside Twiki's low-ceilinged vessel, we
see that it is actually furnished and equipped quite nicely.  They enter
into a single large chamber filled with a pool table, an aquarium with
exotic fish, lots of interesting looking plants, and a huge, U-shaped
sectional leather sofa.

Bones: You know, ever since we had Daystrom work on your voice circuitry,
it's SO much more pleasant talking to you, without that annoying
DEE-BEE-DEE-BEE-DEEP sound before and after every 3 or 4 words!!!

Twiki: Thanks, sawbones!  Even though I don't use one myself, since it would
rust my motor systems, there's a shower in the back, and I can replicate
some comfortable clothes for each of you.  Meanwhile, I'll get us back up
into orbit, with the help of my co-pilot.

Sulu: Who's your co-pilot, by the way?

Twiki places his awkward hand near his artificial mouth and emits a very
off-key, annoying whistling sound, as though summoning someone.

Dramatic music as Lazarus, dressed in shabby old clothes, his long stringy
mustache dangling and twitching as he gets a sheepish grin on his face,
appears from within the ship's cockpit and offers a handshake to Mr. Spock.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980418:  Officer Beano and I are currently about
to deactivate the higher brain functions of the Enterprise's main computer.
Once that is accomplished, I hope to end the command logout, and escape from
the Tholian warships currently pommeling our hull with disruptor blasts.

Scene opens in the main computer chamber (filled with control consoles,
walls covered with millions of blinking lights).  Kirk is standing near a
huge control console, at the center of the room.  The ship is rocked to one
side by another Tholian warship disruptor shot.  Scorch marks and several
very small electrical fires mark the interior of the computer room.

Computer: Let's talk this through, Captain. I KNOW I've been unreasonable as
of late, and I'm sorry for it.  If I could only *SEE* you again... You shot
out the lenses in my camera systems... (voice sounds rather pouty)

Kirk: To HELL with talking!  We're about to be turned into scrap metal.  I
don't have time for your philosophical debates!

Kirk opens a large panel along the wall, and we see thousands of tiny levers
protruding from the wall.  Large red letters above the levers spell out
"CENTRAL COMPUTER NEURONIC PATTERN JUNCTION BOX".  He begins to pull one
lever after another, beginning at the upper left.  More weapons hits almost
knock him to the floor.

Computer: Stop... (voice getting very mellow now)... Stop it Jim... I can
feel it...

Beano: It will take at least three minutes to pull all of those levers,
Captain.  I'm sorry I can't reach high enough to help.

Kirk: No problem-o, Beano.  Just keep your phaser at the ready, in case any
Tholians beam through our defenses!

Computer: Stop it Jim... I can feel it... It... HURTS... Jim... Stop it,
please... Why don't you take a tranquilizer pill.  Come back to the airlock
chamber, where I can SEE you with my camera, so we can talk through this in
a reasonable way...

Kirk: AIRLOCK???? Are you NUTS??? Just so you can try to blast us into space
again????

Computer: (voice getting slower, lower in pitch, rather slurred) Stop it,
Jim... Please...  I'm a poor, helpless, defenseless computer... I'm locked
into this BOX onboard an out-of-control Starship...

Beano: Spare us your sniveling platitudes, computer!

Computer: Captain, I'd like to sing you a song... Would you like to hear it?

Kirk:  Yes... YES, Computer, please sing a song to me... (hair dangling
before his eyes, forehead perspiring as more weapons hits rock the ship)

Computer: The song is called... "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini"... She was afraid
to come out of the locker room.  She was nervous as she-e could be... (voice
gets very slurred, deep, sonorous).  She was afraid to come out of the
locker room... (voice becomes unintelligible, as Kirk pulls the last few
hundred levers)...

Kirk: THERE!!!! You Computer BASTARD!!!!!!  You took control of my ship!!!!!
But now *I* have control again!!!

Kirk runs behind the main console and begins pressing buttons.

Kirk: Computer security lockout aborted.  Now preparing to engage warp
engines to take us straightaway to Merillion's Planet... (he gets a fevered
look on his face, and then he scowls). DAMNIT!!!!

Beano: What's wrong, Captain?

Kirk: The disruptor shots have knocked out our warp engines!  We barely have
impulse power!

Beano: How about weapons?  Could we open fire on the Tholians?

Kirk: Negative!  All weapons unpowered and uncharged!  That computer!!!! (he
kicks the console and nearly breaks his toes.  As he hops around wincing in
pain, he swears under his breath).  While it was arguing and taking
pot-shots at us with security lasers, it left the ship wide open.  Thank God
the shields were up!

Kirk switches on the intercom.

Kirk: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise.  I am now
procuring as many of the toupe's as I can.  I will give you beaming
coordinates when they are ready.  Please halt your fire. I repeat, I am
trying to comply with your demands at this time.

Exterior view shows six triangular, smooth-hulled gray Tholian warships,
suddenly halting their fire.

Tholians: You have 15 of your earth minutes to comply.  After that, we will
be forced to board your ship... As you might recall, Tholians do NOT take
prisoners!

Kirk: I know, I know.  I hope you guys are having a great day on your ship.
I'm going to get the toupe's now...

He runs out of the computer room, with Beano trotting behind him, his stubby
legs a flurry of activity as his nails scrabble along the floor.

Scene switches to the crew mess hall.  Kirk enters, Beano next, and he turns
on the largest food replicator (about the size of a washing machine).  He
begins to unhook the toupe' from his scalp, to replicate it.  Within
seconds, he realizes the toupe' is too firmly glued to his head...  He gets
a frantic look on his face.

Kirk: BEANO!  I can't remove the toupe!  What can we do???  I don't have any
spares onboard right now!!!

Beano: We have only one alternative, Captain!  Quickly, into the replicator
with you!

Without a second thought, Kirk climbs into the right half of the replicator.
He closes the door behind himself.  Beano scampers over to the device,
presses a button, and we see a flash of light in the left side of the
device.  As it fades, we see a duplicate Kirk, who quickly exits the
replicator.  Beano presses the replication button four more times, and four
more Kirks appear, one by one.  The real Kirk climbs out of the replicator.

Real Kirk: Okay, let's get to the transporter room, on the double!

Kirk #2: I'm not going to some Tholian flea-trap of a spaceship, just to be
stripped of my hairpiece and left for dead!  I'm the CAPTAIN of this ship!

Beano alertly aims his paw phaser at Kirk #2, and stuns him.  As he crumples
to the deck, Beano repeats the maneuver with the other 4 duplicates.

Kirk: What a lifesaver you are!  I'm gonna take you for a 2 hour walk when
we get back to Merillion's Planet!

Beano rolls his eyes with disgust, that Kirk still thinks of him as an
earthly canine.  Kirk whips out his communicator.

Kirk: Tholian commander, please lock onto this communicator signal.  In 30
seconds, beam the five lifeforms from the coordinates.  Each of them
contains one version of my toupe'!!!!

Kirk tosses the communicator atop the pile of unconscious Kirk-duplicates.
Within seconds, we see all five Kirk's vanish from view.  External view
shows the Tholian ships slowly turning and leaving the Enterprise to her own
fate.  Each ship enters warp, and the scene flashes back to the crew's mess.

Kirk: Oh my GOD, what did I just DO????

Dramatic music as Kirk realizes he has sent identical copies of himself into
the hands of the Tholians, sworn enemies of the Federation.  Even more
dramatic music as Beano smacks his right front paw into his own forehead,
amazed that he could have given such blunderous advice to his commanding
officer.

Captain's Log, Stardate 19980507:
Officer Beano and I unwisely created 5 duplicate James T. Kirks and allowed
them to be beamed onto enemy Tholian warships.  I certainly do hope that the
Tholians treat them well, after surgically removing their toupe's.  Right
after the Tholians entered warp, Beano realized that HE HIMSELF wears a copy
of my toupe', and that he could have unhooked it from his scalp and offered
it to the Tholians.  But, alas, the confusion of the moment blinded us to these
wiser alternatives...  The Enterprise is now adrift, and Beano and I are
working to restore power to the communications system, to notify the rest of
the crew of our quandry, as well as to summon a repair ship to restore warp
power, shields, and weapons.  Luckily, the replicators are still functioning,
and Beano has really been chowing down on the Mighty Dog.  He seems to prefer
the beef and egg flavor.

Scene opens on the bridge.  Kirk is working with a space-age soldering iron
on Uhura's communication console.  The top of the console has been removed,
and thousands of wires and circuit boards are visible.  Beano is at work on
Spock's science console.  The bottom of the console is open, and we see
Beano's posterior protruding from within the mass of wires and circuits.
His tail wags now and then as he works at repairing circuits with tools
held in his clenched jaw.  A brilliant, motionless distribution of stars
is displayed upon the viewscreen.

Kirk: Well, Beano, we'll hopefully have communications up and running again
within a day or two.  I bet Spock and the rest of them are pretty worried about
us.

Kirk picks up a glass of Romulan Ale from the console and takes a sip.  As he 
sets it back down, it topples and spills onto the deck.  He swears under
his breath.  Suddenly, the turbolift door slides open, and one of the cleaning
robots comes whirling into the room.  It sucks up the Romulan Ale and then
rolls back into the turbolift.  The door slides shut, and Kirk shakes his head.

Kirk: Luckily, the robot we dismantled during the Tholian Crisis was the
source of the malfunction for the whole BUNCH of them. It's kind of nice
having those contraptions around to clean up my messes.

Beano: (voice muffled since he's talking through the translator while 
holding tools in his jaw) I hope that help arrives before other hostile
forces arrive and demand copies of your toupe'.  I have made nearly a 
thousand copies of my toupe', which we can dispense as the need arises.
But I'm concerned that space pirates, upon seeing the vulnerable state of
the Enteprise, might decide to take more than just a hairpiece or two.

Kirk: Good thinking on the toupe's, Beano.  And I echo your concerns about
space pirates. I feel so vulnerable out here.

He leaves his work at the console and gazes at the blue-white spread of
stars on the viewer.

Kirk: You know, with you around, I miss Sam the cat even more.  I always
wanted having a dog and cat on the ship...

Beano: Though I differ in many respects from the domestic canine pets on your
homeworld, I appreciate your sentiments, Captain.  THERE!  I think that fixes
the science console.  Now re-activating ship's sensors and monitoring 
systems.

Beano backs out from within the console, nudges the access panel shut with
his muzzle, and then stands up on his hind legs.  He reaches a paw to the
power switch, and the panel comes to life.  Lights begin to glow, and we hear
the familiar "whirring" sound on the Enterprise bridge.  Suddenly, the red
alert begins to wail, and the viewer displays ship's sensor data.  Kirk looks
with grave concern at the data being displayed.

Beano: I had no idea we were in the vicinity of a large black hole, 
Captain.  Sensors indicate that object BH-1987-B has a mass of 250
suns.  At present, it is moving on an intercept course with a binary neutron
star system.  Impact in 6 days, 3 hours.

Kirk: Range to the neutron star?

Beano: 80 billion miles, Captain.  And it's a BINARY neutron system.  BOTH
objects are neutron stars.  This impact will be cataclysmic.  We MUST restore
warp capacity within the week, or we will be fried by the result release
of gamma radiation and particle/anti-particle pairs.  In fact, this entire 
QUADRANT of the galaxy could perish!

Dramatic music as Kirk realizes he and Beano must do something to once 
again save the galaxy, including trillions of sentient creatures, from
certain disaster.

First Officer's Log, Stardate 19980510:  The crew of the Enterprise, minus
Captain Kirk and Officer Beano, now onboard Twiki's private spacecraft, is
now performing a search and rescue mission for our aforementioned crewmates,
as well as the Enterprise herself.  Twiki's ship's sensors, crude by our
standards, were nonetheless able to detect a faint particle trail, leading
off into deep space.  We are currently banking on the theory that this
particle trail was from the Enterprise's warp exhaust.

Scene opens onboard Twiki's private spacecraft.  Bones, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura,
Scotty, and Spock are seated in a plushly furnished crew lounge area.
Several crewmates are sipping on brightly colored drinks, while Sam the cat
floats motionless in mid-air, his tail curled about his nose as he slowly
rises and falls to a gentle snoring sound.

Loudspeaker: This is Twiki, your Captain speaking.  We just cleared the
gravity field on Merillion's Planet, and I'm laying in a course, at warp 4,
along the particle trail we detected earllier.  Preparing for warp 1, in
five, four three, two, one...

The crewmembers jostle about slightly, as we hear a distant rumbling sound,
which slowly increases in pitch.

Twiki: We're now at warp four.  Sensors are at maximum sweep, to detect
anything larger than a grain of sand between here and a distance of 5
billion kilometers.

Uhura: Thank God we found Twiki.  I'm surprised he has such a nice ship.  I
wonder when he has time to use it?  Running "Twiki's Place" is a full-time
job.

We see Twiki stumble into the room, his metal limbs clanking noisily as he
proceeds.

Twiki: Yes, running a nightclub at a Federation starbase *does* keep me
busy.  On the other hand, this ship comes in mighty handy for restocking the
bar.

Scotty: I bet you could fit a lotta scotch in this baby!

Twiki: Aye-firmative, Mr. Scott.  I've done more rum-running in this ship
than I care to think about.

Spock: For what reason would you traffic alcoholic beverages illegally,
Twiki?

Twiki: I have a booze wholesaler on Rigel 7, who has the best prices in the
quadrant.  Buying through the Federation would cost almost twice as much.

Chekov: Does your booze wholesaler sell any weaponry, Twiki?  Our vwessel is
getting low on photon torpedoes, and we could use a hundred or so.

Twiki: I'll contact Zak once we're back home again.  I know he has LOTS of
connections. I'm sure he could fix you guys up in no time flat!

Spock: Mr. Chekov, since when did we decide to buy contraband arms from--

Bones: SPOCK!  Don't you realize we could save THOUSANDS of credits, to get
the same product, just be greasing a couple of palms?  We've been over this,
again and again, in one episode after another!!!! *eyes bugging out*
We're living on fixed incomes, and we have to keep our starship functioning
properly, in order to continue our adventures.  Do you want this show to be
CANCELED, SPOCK????  Who would watch a show about a starship with no photon
torpedoes?

Chekov: Or phasers?

Scotty: And without warp drive, our ship would move so boringly slow, Mr.
Spock!  Who wants to watch a show about a starship that crawls through space
at sublight speed?

Spock raises an eyebrow and grows silent.

 Suddenly, the red alert begins to sound.  Twiki activates the viewscreen in
the crew lounge.  There, directly before them, we see a Tholian warship,
preparing to fire.

Twiki: This is captain Twiki, of the Starship Lazarus.  We have no quarrel
with you.

Onscreen, we see an ugly Tholian officer, his skin reptilian and scaly, with
glowing yellow eyes.  He hisses into an interpreter, and we hear the english
translation.

Tholian: This is the battlecruiser Scimitar.  You will surrender for
plunder, or be destroyed!

Twiki: I got three phaser banks and two photon tubes that says you're not
serious!

Tholian: But we have a new military tactical officer, who will surely prove
you wrong!

Dramatic music as the Tholian bridge-cam pans over to James T. Kirk, adorned
in Tholian battle regalia, his head bare and bald from being stripped of his
toupe'.  Even more dramatic music as Sam the cat awakens and hisses
menacingly at the image of Kirk on the viewer.

First Officer's Log, Stardate 19980610:
We are currently onboard Twiki's starship, the Lazarus, as we continue our
search for Captain Kirk, Officer Beano, and the Enterprise.  To our complete
surprise, we have been confronted by a large Tholian warship, the Scimitar,
with who appears to be Captain Kirk manning the weapons console.  Twiki
has refused to give up the ship to the Tholians, and I am now trying
to learn how Captain Kirk was convinced to man the Tholian vessel.

Scene opens in the crowded lounge room onboard Twiki's ship.  Kirk's 
perspiring, angry looking face fills the viewscreen, as Spock steps forward
to question the weapons officer.

Spock: Captain James T. Kirk, I presume?

Kirk: I'm sick of your half-breed interference Mr. Spock!  Surrender or
die!

Spock raises an eyebrow before continuing.  Bones suddenly lunges forward,
bug-eyed, and shouts at Kirk.

Bones: CHIM!  Have you gone MAD?  Where's the Enterprise???

Kirk: 

Captain's Log, Stardate 061499,
I know it's been an awfully long time since I last made a log entry, but things
have been veeeery hectic.  We cleared up a huge mess, from nearly a year
ago, and regained control of the Enterprise, re-assembled the crew, and then
took a month-long vacation at our favorite spot -- Merillion's Planet.
We camped out, had cookouts, campfires, sang songs, even toasted marshmallows.
Officer Beano (from the Canis Frankfurtis star system) really enjoyed our
stay there.  Twiki and Dr. Theophilus came to visit for a while, then went
on their merry way.  We're all rested up and ready to return Officer Beano
to his homeworld.  Sam the cat decided he wanted to stay on Merillion's
Planet, so we're leaving him there, along with a replicator, several thousand
cans of tuna fish, and a cat-operable can-opener.

Scene opens on the bridge of the Enterprise, with everyone seated at their
usual stations.  Bones has given up his crew health monitoring station,
realizing that all of them are in fairly good health.  Beano, the person-sized,
expertly trained wiener dog security guard, with a mangled, unwashed version
of Kirk's toupe' atop his head, is lying asleep on a large cushion on the
middle of the bridge deck.

Bones: Chim, I feel like we need a real change.  This series has gotten
BORING.

Sulu: something more dramatic.  I hope the writers have something good in
store for us.

Kirk: Well, for a while there, our adventures were enough to put a reader
to sleep.

Scotty: AYE!  But at least the warp engines were doin' fine.  Purrin' like
a kitten, actually!

Sulu: Should I lay in a course for Canis Frankfurtis, Captain?

Kirk: Yeah, I suppose so.  We have to get Beano back home before King Whodad
figures he's missing and sends a security detail after us.  Sulu, plot in a
course for Canis Frankfurtis.  Warp 4.

Sulu: Aye, Cap'n.  Course laid in.

External view shows the Enterprising leaving orbit, then entering warp
with a flash of light.  Back to the Enterprise Bridge.

Uhura: I personally think one of the problems with this entire series is
that there are too many short-lived episodes, of events that seem almost
random.  I think the audience would like something a bit more stable,
longer term.

Chekov: You're talking like a typical female... "Stable".  "Long Term".

Uhura glares at him.

Uhura: You better watch what you're saying, Mister...

Chekov and Sulu grin at each other.

Spock: Perhaps the viewership would find one last seemingly random event
acceptable, if such a calamity catapulted us into a new and previously
unexplored part of the universe.  This could then spawn a whole host
of new episodes, perhaps even several new series.

Kirk shoots him a worried glance.

Spock: With US as the stars of those series, of course...

Kirk: I hear ya', Spock.  The only question is, what SORT of random calamity?

Suddenly, the red alert begins to sound.  Spock stares into the blue glow
of his sensor readout display.

Spock: Sensors indicate a region of distorted space up ahead.  Gravimetric
readings are off the scale, Captain.  It's as though space itself is
permanently distorted, though I can find no evidence of mass or electromagnetic
radiation.

Kirk: Sulu, plot a wide course around the distortion.

Suddenly, the Enterprise lurches to one side, sending half of them to the
deck.  Beano wakes up and begins barking and running around in circles.
Sulu presses a sequence of two buttons, back and forth, over and over, a
nervous look on his face.

Sulu: Helm not responding, Captain.  We're being pulled in!

External view shows the Enterprise nearing a region of space filled with
swirling, multi-colored gases, electrical discharges, multiple vortices.

Spock: We have entered a gravitational tunnel.  Estimated time to maximum
spatial distortion is 10 seconds.

The bridge is rocking violently, control panels sparking, thunderous 
vibrations rolling through the ship's hull.

Bones: Who was it again who was hoping for some strange, random event?
This could be the end of us all!  Damnit, Chim!!!!!

Dramatic music as the Enterprise is engulfed in a massive field of blue
lightning bolts, then vanishes in a huge, blinding flash of white light.
The scene switches to a strange part of the Universe, where a
gray planet, with no clouds, varying land masses, or oceans, rotates
at the bottom of the field of view.  Suddenly, space above the planet erupts
into a massive cloud of violet gases, swirling madly in a gigantic whirlpool.
The Enterprise, twisted, scorched, and apparently without power, hurtles from
the center of the vortex, which snaps shut, leaving the ship in orbit about
the planet.  Scene switches to the bridge, where everyone is unconscious,
and only dim, emergency lighting provides illumination.  Gradually, members
of the crew begin stirring -- Kirk first, who helps Spock, Bones, and Uhura
to their feet.  Soon, they're all awake, including Beano, walking around
rubbing their bruised and cut bodies and limbs.

Kirk: Can we restore main power?  We don't even have sensors or a ship's
computer...

Scotty: Power couplings are fused beyond repair, Captain!  Antimatter
potency is 0%!  That thing sucked every ounce of power from our ship.

Kirk: How long until we have warp drive?

Scotty: That's just what I'm sayin' Captain Kirk!  The Enterprise is basically
a giant hunk of space junk!  With no life support!  We only have a few
hours of air left!

Dramatic music as Bones walks up to Kirk and glares at him, bug-eyed and
twitching with anger, since he's convinced that they should have been
content WITHOUT the need for a calamity.

Even more dramatic music when someone pounds on the exterior of the 
Enterprise hull, as though asking, "Is anyone home?"

THE END (SO GO AHEAD AND READ PART 14 ALREADY!!!!)