GOOFY TREK, PART 17, BY Scott Speck

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Captain's Log, Stardate 20030108:
With our new guns and explosive-tipped shells, we successfully fended off
an attack by a flock of huge, marauding pterosaurs.  Our ship sustained no
damage, and we killed at least one, and at most two, pterosaurs.  Thank GOD
Chekov has lost his agressive side, but, on the other hand, his "gun crazy"
phase actually had a good side-effect.  It influenced us to develop our new
and much more powerful defensive guns.  With only tranquilizer darts, the 
pterosaurs would probably have made "mincemeat" of us and our magnificent
Enterprise.  During the battle, Uhura had a strange kind of telepathic
contact with the pterosaurs.  She was able to literally read their minds,
further evidence that the bird species on Arboria create a kind of "psychic
field" around themselves, allowing communication between birds, even across
species!  More interesting than that is the fact that Uhura is able to hear
the thoughts of the birds.  We are currently venturing into Christmas valley,
in the Galileo, to allow Spock to conduct some telepathy experiments.

Scene opens in the rich, verdant, tree-covered Christmas Valley.  Above us,
the Enterprise hovers, nearly filling the sky.  The leaves rustle in a warm
breeze, as the Galileo, a small coppery-colored "blimp", descends from the
Enterprise and down among the trees.  It alights gently upon a mound of
thick moss, between two massive mushrooms, its propellers slowing to a stop,
as the door opens and Kirk, Spock, Uhura, Bones, and Chekov disembark.
Chekov is armed with a new super-rifle, equipped with explosive bullets.
Birds, of many different sizes and colors, flit among the trees and call to
each other in complex, melodious tones.

Spock: The number of bird species here is much greater than near our Treehouse,
Captain.  I have never seen such a richly varied and feathered number of
species before, on any of the worlds we explored.

Kirk: Uhura, any "thought impressions" from the birds?

Uhura: Yes, Captain, it's amazing!!!!  I can hear what they're saying to
each other!  There are so many voices, that it's difficult to distinguish
them.  The closer birds sound "louder" in a psychic sense than the more
distant birds.

Bones: What are they SAYING, Uhura?

Uhura: Lots of things.  Much of it is "gossip" between the redbirds.  The
larger hawks are talking about where the best, juiciest rodents can be
found.  The goshhawks are bragging about how high they can fly when it's windy.

Kirk: InCREDible!  They talk as though they're HUMAN, in a sense.

Chekov: Are any of them speaking with hostile intent?

Uhura: Don't tell me you want to SHOOT at them...

Chekov: I'm the security officer, so I need to know deez tings, Uhura.  If
a bird is hostile, I hev to protect us.

Uhura: A lot of the birds are taking note of us, but none of them sound
hostile.... My WORD!!!! (looking miffed)

Kirk: What happened?

Uhura: That green jay over there said I need to lose some weight around my
hips!!!  Of all the nerve!!!!

Spock: For some reason, you are attuned to the birds' mental bandwidth.  You
are also the only female human on this planet.  The two could possibly be
linked.

Bones: Are you JEALOUS, SPOCK?????  After all, YOU'RE usually the one who can
read minds!!!

Spock: Far from it, Doctor.  I admire her ability, and believe that she is
becoming progressively MORE attuned to the mental energies of this world.

Uhura: Don't worry, Captain.

Kirk: Worry about WHAT?

Uhura: I won't get too big-headed for my own good.  You were thinking that,
right?

Kirk: (redfaced) Well... Well, any Captain wants to make sure that a crew
member's abilities enhance, not detract, from the ship as a whole.

Chekov: You mean you can read OUR minds now?

Uhura: It just started a couple of minutes ago!  I can't explain it, but it's
wonderful.  Yes, Doctor McCoy, I DO think you're really a good doctor.

Bones: I KNOW you think that, Uhura, I... (red faced)

Kirk: Wow, this means you'll be able to read OUR thoughts, as well as those
of the creatures on the planet surface.  What about the trees?  Can you read
their minds, too?

Uhura: I've been hearing some deep, low-pitched, faint whispers, behind the
thoughts of the birds.  I think they might very well be the trees talking to
each other, or at least muttering to themselves.  Mr. Spock, your thoughts are
incredibly "ordered" and disciplined.  I had no idea...

Spock: It's my Vulcan schooling, and my tendency to guide my thought processes
with logic.

Chekov: Okay, what am *I* thinking???

Uhura: You're thinking that if we knocked off the Captain, we would all move
up in rank!

Everyone laughs, except for Kirk, who glares at Chekov.

Chekov: Just KIDDING, Keptin!

Bones: Now the question becomes, can you talk BACK to the trees, the birds,
the other creatures, even us, mentally???

Uhura: Let's try an experiment...  Captain, I'll try beaming a thought to you.

Kirk: Very well... (pauses for a few seconds) were you thinking how good
my hair looks, after I lost my toupe'?

Everyone laughs as Uhura nods with a grin.  Sing-songy music as Uhura begins
playing jokes on everyone, by sending them "mental thought pranks", or by
suddenly blurting out their deepest joys and/or fears and insecurities.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030109:
Our "bird telepathy experiment" (dubbed operation "BIRD BRAIN" by a
once-skeptical but now-convinced Mr. Scott) proved that Uhura definitely
has strong telepathic powers, both with humans, other animals, and plants.
She can READ as well as SEND thoughts, and all mental impulses are apparently
translated into a form that she can readily understand.  It's as though she
has become a mental "universal translator".  The trick, for Uhura, is to learn
how to HANDLE these powers, and, in the long term, how to use them only when
appropriate.  For example, she revealed my long-term fear of losing my sex
appeal with women, and it's something I myself am reticent to reveal.  She
also blurted out something about Sulu being a little "AC/DC".  Who knows if
her powers will end up being a liability or an asset.  Only time will tell...
In the meantime, we're still surveying the forest floor in Christmas Valley, as
Spock collects more leaf and flower samples, and we help speed up the process.

Scene opens deep in the forest, out of view of the shuttle-blimp Galileo.
Everyone is walking around, marveling at the deep, green vegetation, the
subtle but colorful blossoms that adorn various bushes and small trees.  Now
and then, a crew member picks a leaf or blossom and places it into a small
sack, for Spock's analysis, later, back onboard the Enterprise.  Chekov is
always "on the lookout", rifle in hand, for any pterosaurs that might intend
to cause them harm.

Sulu (pointing up a sixty-foot-diameter tree trunk): Look at that creature up
there.  It reminds me of a large squirrel, but it has the coloration of a 
skunk.

Spock looks up the tree.

Spock: A very interesting creature.  I would guess it weighs anywhere
from twenty to thirty pounds, and the hooked claws suggest a creature that
hunts for insects beneath tree bark.

Chekov: Does it hev large TEETH, Meester Spock?

Spock: I would guess not.  Its mouth is small, almost anteater-like, suggesting
that it subsists entirely on small insects.

Uhura: He's amused that we're watching him.

Kirk: How do you know?  Oh... yes, your telepathy...

Uhura: He actually has a certain fondness for Mr. Spock.

Spock: Understandable, and obviously a creature possessing marked intelligence
and good taste.

Bones: Spock, you DO have one human emotion -- PRIDE!!! (everyone laughs)

Spock: I arrived at my conclusions through the application of logic, not 
human emotion, Doctor.

Just then, Sulu accidentally steps on an insect hive of some kind.  A loud
buzzing and whirring noise is heard, as a cloud of large bee-like insects
erupts from the ground beneath his feet.

Bones: Look out, Sulu!

Sulu begins running away from the hive, as the angry swarm of over a hundred
insects follows him, surrounding him as he runs right past Kirk.  One of the
bugs sticks to Kirk's shirt, and, when he tries to "shoo it" away, stings him
in the chest.

Kirk: OUCH!

Sulu is shouting, yelping, "OUCHING" as he gets stung by the insects.  Everyone
takes off after Sulu, who, ten steps ahead of them, finds a tranquil pond, which
he dives into.  The bugs hover above the water's surface and then gradually
begin to disperse, now that Sulu has immersed himself.  Bones and Spock wade
into the knee-deep water and pull Sulu to his feet.  Large welts are rising from
his face, his wrists, his neck.  The welts begin to turn purple, and Sulu 
starts scratching them.

Bones: It looks like you're having an allergic reaction.  Chim, we'd better
get him to sick bay, where I have some anti-toxins that SHOULD do the trick!

Sulu's eyes are bugging out as Spock and Bones carry Sulu along, one arm
around each of their shoulders, and they soon reach a clearing containing
the shuttleblimp.  Everyone climbs inside, with Spock taking Sulu's place
as pilot.  The propellers spin to life, and the craft lifts off, bound for
the Enterprise.

Uhura: I'll have Twiggy prep the sick bay, Doctor.  I can contact him
telepathically, and he already knows our situation.  He's filling two syringes
with anti-toxin.

Bones: Excellent work.  Chim, this telepathy business could really come in 
handy!

Kirk: I'm gonna start calling it ESP.  It takes too long to keep saying
"telepathy".  How are you feeling, Sulu?

Sulu: I'm sweating like a BRIDEGROOM, Cap'n.  These welts itch SO BAD, I
can't stand it!!!

Bones: Resist scratching them!  They might contain more of the venom, which
would cause the problem to continue SPREADING throughout your body!

Dramatic music as Sulu's trembling fingers hover over the hives on his neck,
which are now pulsating and exuding a disgusting looking pus-like substance.
Even more dramatic music as Uhura screams shrilly when she sees the disgusting
"goop" oozing and dripping down Kirk's chest, from his "bee sting".

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030110:
While performing an ESP experiment with Uhura in Christmas Valley, Sulu
stepped on a hive of ground-dwelling, stinging insects. He was stung at
least a dozen times, and one of the bastards even got me!  We just returned to
the Enterprise, where Bones plans to whip up an anti-toxin tonic to quell
the massive, swelling, oozing hives on Sulu, and the one hive on my chest.
This itching sensation is unbearable!!!

Scene opens in sick bay, where Bones is mixing lots of powders, seeds,
berries, and dark elixirs in a small black cauldron (about a foot in 
diameter) sitting on a hydrogen gas burner on his chemistry lab bench.
A magenta colored vapor is rising gently from the bubbling mass, as Bones
hesitates, his eyes shifting back and forth, before dropping a strange
looking brilliant pink mushroom into the mix.

Bones: This is the first time I'm using this mushroom in a hot elixir, Chim.
I've used it before in cold compresses, and it works wonders at numbing 
wound sites.  But the heat might affect some chemical changes in the mushrooms
and their anti-toxin properties.

Kirk: Why not just whip up a tonic that you've already tested?  God almighty,
hurry up!  I can't resist scratching much longer! (as the hive reaches a 
height of one inch, a diameter of three inches, and is pulsing and throbbing
visibly in size)

Bones: Those hives on Sulu are too severe, Chim!  The impulse to scratch at them 
will prevent proper healing, and Sulu's already lacerated his neck in at least
three places.

In the background, we see Sulu jumping around like a madman, his shirt removed,
the huge hives on his neck bleeding and oozing profusely.  A theatrical,
cartoonish "scratching sound" plays each time his fingertips brush across
the open wounds.

Spock: I have recovered a stinger from Sulu, Captain.  It appears that the
venom therein contains prionic properties, which cause an antibody-cascade
reaction.  Your own bodies are doing most of the damage, in other words.

Bones: And the sting itself just INITIATED that process, and now it's 
MASSIVE, and still SPREADING???

Spock: Yes, doctor.

Bones pours the bulk of his concoction through a strainer and into a beaker.
He then places the beaker on high heat, to evaporate the excess water.

Bones: The distillation is almost complete, Chim.  Another thirty seconds or
so!

Twiggy lowers two wooden spoons from the ceiling, one for Kirk, one for Sulu.
Kirk and Sulu are both sweating and shivering as Bones dips each spoon into
the thick, syrupy, raspberry-colored elixir.  He then hands one spoon to Kirk,
who slurps it down in a flash, his face wincing, puckering, eyes watering,
face flushing.  Sulu rushes over, takes the spoon from Bones, and swallows
the elixir. His reaction is similar, but more theatrical, than Kirk's (hard
to believe, considering Shatner's acting style).

Kirk: You mushroom BASTARD... you've... NUMBED MY THROAT!

Kirk sits down, his eyes bulging as he reacts to the elixir.  Sulu plops down
on his own bed, as the massive oozing from the hives begins to slow.

Bones: That's the analgesic effect of the brilliant pink mushroom for ya!

Kirk: These 'shrooms taste TERRIBLE!  A thousand times more bitter than tonic
water, and enough acidity to cut your throat like a knife...

Bones: The cold compresses have no such acidity.  It must be a side-effect of
COOKING the mushroom.

Scotty: On high heat, to boot!

Just then, a small brightly colored paper umbrella pops straight up through the
top of Scotty's head.  It unfurls and begins to spin on its "pole", like a
top, precessing as it whirs along.   Kirk stands up, his brow furrowing as
he tries to make sense of what he's seeing.

Kirk: Scotty, what the DEVIL???

Scotty: What's wrong, Captain?  Are you feeling alright?

Kirk: Where'd that... UMBRELLA... come from?

Bones: Chim, what in the blazes are you--

Kirk spins around to confront Bones, who has turned into a large, electric-blue
panda bear, with large black eyes that display "moving waves" on their corneas.
Kirk jumps back in terror, sweat pouring from every pore on his body, his
chest heaving.

Kirk: Stay away from me, Bones!  I mean it!!!!!

Sulu: Captain, look at Mister Spock!!!!

Kirk turns to Spock, who is now a purple squid, standing upon its tentacles.
Strange squeaking, burbling noises emanate from Spock's "squid beak", between
his tentacles.  One huge clouded, bloodshot eye surveys both Kirk and Sulu.

Kirk: He's a SQUID!

Scotty's body is melting, like that of a wax figurine suspended above a
powerful flame.  His face is becoming drawn, as "droplets of skin" form and
drip from his face and spatter upon the deck.

Both of them hear a loud cackling sound, like the voice of the wicked witch
from the Wizard of Oz.  Both Kirk and Sulu, appearing normal (except for
their now-healing hives) and standing side by side, confront Uhura, or the
witch that she has become.  She has a long hook nose, green, covered with
warts from which tiny spiders and crabs emerge and crawl back inside, as
they skitter momentarily about her face, causing her eyes to twitch.  She
is wearing a tall pointed black hat, with bright blonde hair sticking at
odd angles from under her hat.  The hair becomes animated, slowly changing
into roman candles and bottle rockets, which ignite and begin to "take off"
and zip around sick bay.  Each rocket whistles while spitting brightly colored
sparks and leaving a smoke trail.  

Sulu: I'm gettin' OUTTA here!

Both men flee from sick bay and into a corridor, which is now dark, Twiggy's
branches having "morphed" into tentacles covered with "suckers", each of which
is a tiny howling, crying, mutant baby face.  Kirk and Sulu rush toward
the bridge.  Instead of parachutes, normally hanging along one wall, they
find pairs of white angel wings.  Each grabs a set of wings.  Sulu sticks
one set onto Kirk's back, and Kirk does likewise for Sulu.  Behind them, the
twisted, distorted crew is charging toward them, screaming, melting, shrieking.
Sulu opens the door and Kirk follows him out onto the poop deck.  Both men
leap, without a thought, over the railing.  As they plummet toward the tree
branches several thousand feet below, they both begin to flap their wings,
clumsily at first, but then with regularity, and, within seconds, a newfound
sense of grace.  The wings slow their descent, as they reach the forest floor.

Dramatic crescendo of music as both men discard their wings and begin walking
toward a patch of brilliant pink mushrooms, all of them radiating a blinding
pink light, all of them "opening their eyes" and humming in a singular, deep,
sonorous tone, as if welcoming these two visitors to their strange land.

***************************

First Officer's Log, Stardate 20030114:
Captain Kirk and Navigator Sulu both donned parachutes and dove overboard
from the poop deck of the Enterprise, after ingesting what now appears to
be a dangerously hallucinogenic "elixir", formulated by Doctor McCoy
(now scheduled for an inquiry of physician's competency) for the purpose of
healing insect stings.  Chekov, Doctor McCoy, Uhura, and I have formed a
search party.  We are preparing to board the Galileo, in an effort to secure
the safety of our two missing crew members.  If I might add, Doctor McCoy has
always, in my estimation, been far too reckless with his chemical concoctions.
We are very fortunate that Kirk and Chekov realized the need to don
protective gear before jumping overboard and freefalling the ten thousand feet
to the planet surface.

Ship's Doctor's Log, Stardate 20030114:
I can't BELIEVE the brilliant pink mushrooms are hallucinogenic!  I've used
them in medicines and recipes for MONTHS now, and no ill effects were 
previously noted.  I sure hope that Chim and Sulu are alright.  SPOCK, that
blasted VULCAN, is attempting to form a "board of inquiry" into my competency!!
All that after I saved his green neck at least a dozen times in the past year!

Weapons Officer's Log, Stardate 20030114:
The Keptin and Sulu are gone, somewhere down on the plenet surface!  They
jumped off our vwessel with parachutes, after drinking one of Doctor McCoy's
potions.  I TOLD them thet woodka would hev done the trick!  But they're
always using all sorts of FENCY potions, instead of plain old woodka!

Uhura's Log, Stardate 20030114:
Have you noticed that everyone ELSE with log entries has a TITLE on this
ship?  I'm sick of it!  SICK, SICK, SICK!  With my ESP, I'm going to once
again be the Communcations Officer, as well as ship's Telepath.  But, for now,
I'm just plain old "me".  Anyway, I won't beat a dead horse and talk about
the Captain and Sulu.  We all hope that they're okay, and that we can find them
and bring them back here safe and sound.  The psychic "noise" created by
their hallucinations, makes it difficult for me to pinpoint their location.
Well, I'd better hand the pen over to Scotty.  He's pacing around, impatient
for me to finish.

Ship's Engineer's Log, Stardate 20030114:
I just wanted to make a rebuttal to Chekov's comments, earlier.  Vodka is
all fine and good as an ANTISEPTIC, but we have to admit that McCoy's best
concoctions all start with great SCOTCH as their main ingredient.  Vodka is
too PLAIN -- just ethanol and water.  Scotch, on the other hand, is full of
subtle flavors and ailment-curing compounds that medical science is only
BEGINNING to understand.  Anyway, that's all I wanted to say...

Twiggy's Log, Stardate 20030114:
While they SHOULD be down on the ground looking for our two missing crew
members, everyone is wasting valuable time jotting their pet peeves into
this logbook.  Three of them were fighting over the pen, just a few minutes
ago, until I grabbed it and hoisted it beyond their reach.  Just slapping
their ideas down, without any rhyme or reason about what they SHOULD be doing,
until I stepped in.  While two men are struggling to remain ALIVE, the
petty bickerings of the crew are blossoming into the very FLOWER of humanity.
I'm sick of it!  In fact, it was an insult to the flowers when I said that the
crew is blossoming into the very flower of humanity.  I apologize for that!
Oh, one more thing...  I'm glad I became a VINE!!!!!!!

Scene opens in the forest, where Kirk and Sulu are standing, buck naked, except
for fig-leaf "thongs", in the middle of a huge, brilliant glowing patch of 
pink mushrooms.  Each mushroom, ranging in height/diameter from a few inches to
a few feet, has a "face",along the underside of each "mushroom cap".  Thin,
fungus-flesh arms jut from the middle of each stem -- three of them per
mushroom.  The mushrooms are humming their deep, collective, singular tone.
The hives on Kirk and Sulu have stopped oozing, and they appear to be healing.

Kirk: OMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! (deep inhale) OMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

Sulu: I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read,
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed,
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Mushroom: (thick, deep, slow male voice) You have traveled far
to reach us.  I must know -- who is this traveler of whom you speak?
What is this antique land?

Sulu: The antique land was Earth, of old, in a Universe far and away
from this, one we disowned through foolishness, neglect, in journeys
of the future, past, recklessly combined.

Kirk: (not wanting to be upstaged) Roses are red, violets are blue,
mushrooms are pink, and so are you... OMMMMMMMM.........

Suddenly, the pink mushrooms begin to bob up and down, rocking back and
forth in unison as they do so.  Their fleshy arms "cross", and they
begin singing a very loud, very harmonious "barbershop quartet" song.

Brightly colored birds fly overhead, in spiral patterns, their feathers aglow
with sunlight filtered down this far.  The wind rises, waves of air ruffling
their feathered forms until it appears that each is a small ocean-bound
world, with wind-driven waves rippling across their wings, down their necks,
across their chests.  A vortex of rose-colored cloud is forming overhead,
turning gently.  Through the middle of it, a huge, wet, moss-strung,
metallic-green-scale-covered "Neptune" figure descends.  With him, a soaking
rain begins to pour. He opens his cavernous black mouth, and thunder rolls
across the land.  His eyes swim with emerald dolphins; his trident burns with
turquoise fire that burns free all crust of age and oxidation.  He spreads wide
his arms, and his hill-shaking voice joins in as a fifth part of the quartet
harmony.

Sulu, chest heaving, eyes tearing from the scene above, spreads his arms and
leaps through the air, beginning a stunning ballet performance, as Kirk watches
on, an obvious look of envy on his face.

Dramatic music as Neptune reaches down, the scales on his massive arm creaking,
screaming with the sound of a million barnacle-encrusted metal "scales" 
scraping across each other.  His huge hand opens, palm-upturned, upon the
ground, inviting Kirk to climb aboard.  Kirk steps onto the palm and
kneels down.  Even more dramatic music as the palm lifts into the sky, and Kirk
is laughing, shouting with glee as the wind whips through his rain-soaked hair.

***************************

First Officer's Log, Stardate 20030120:
Upon reaching the surface, I managed to pluck Captain Kirk from between two
trees, as he stood naked and in apparent delirium at the edge of a huge patch
of the same brilliant pink mushrooms that caused his hallucinations.  Latching
onto him was difficult, due to a flock of rainbow parrots which were flitting
about the mushroom patch, apparently stirred into a frenzy (they normally
feed peacefully on the mushrooms) when Sulu, also naked and in a delirious
state, began leaping and dancing in ballet steps about said mushroom patch.
The Captain began worshipping me as the ancient god "Neptune", all the while
attempting to recite bad poetry in an attempt to secure the "favor of the
gods".  Aiding me in his rescue was a "piece" of Twiggy, which detached from
Twiggy himself.  Twiggy dangled about my shoulders, reaching down at the
last moment to restrict the Captain's movements and thereby aid in his capture.
We are currently back on the surface, attempting to capture Sulu and return
him, along with the Captain, to Sick Bay.  Doctor McCoy is offering first aid
to the Captain (now in our closest equivalent to a "straightjacket"), onboard
the Galileo.

Scene opens in the forest, as Spock, Uhura, and Chekov (toting his rifle)
are running parallel to each other (separated by thirty or forty feet)
through the brilliant pink mushroom patch.  The mushrooms are dormant,
silent, and motionless, though some of them are amazingly large (about
six feet tall).  The forest floor is dimly lit, due to the waning
sunlight and the canopy of leaves above.

Chekov: It's getting dark, Meester Spock!  What if there are nasty nocturnal
creatures that come out at night?

Spock: We must find and secure the safety of Sulu, Mister Chekov, for the
very reason that you mentioned.

Uhura: How far could he get, especially if he's hallucinating so badly?

They hear the distant voice of Sulu, as he hoots and hollers through the
twilight.

Spock: This way!

Dramatic burst of music, which continues playing as all three of them charge
through the forest toward Sulu's apparent position.  They round a very thick
tree trunk, and there is Sulu, standing in a clearing.  Everyone skids to
a stop.  Sulu is naked (but for the figleaf), doing pirouettes and leaps,
with incredible grace and power.  Each leap takes him nearly five feet into
the air, his arms extended for balance.  His face is crazed, wide-eyed,
and pouring with sweat.

Chekov rushes at Sulu, who instantly begins leaping and darting about,
seemingly impossible to catch.  Uhura and Spock join in on the effort, but
even the very strong Vulcan can't catch hold of Sulu, who appears to be a
kind of hallucinating "greased-piglet".  Finally, they all stop to catch
their breath, as Sulu begins singing/whistling/humming various pieces of
the Nutcracker Ballet as he spins and leaps.

Chekov: I hev an idea, Meester Spock!  What if I use a tranquilizer dart?

Uhura: Hey, why didn't we think of that earlier?

Spock: Hmmm... the dosage in one dart should be enough to knock him out,
without being an overdose for his system.  You may proceed, Mr. Chekov.
But remember, only one shot.

Chekov removes a tranquilizer dart pistol from his side holster and aims
it at Sulu.  He waits and waits, sweat beading on his forehead.  Camera
view switches to what Chekov is seeing, as he tries to follow the "bouncing
ball" of Sulu, across leaves, over dead limbs, between brilliant pink
mushrooms.  Then, with a sudden burst of bravery and decisiveness, Chekov
pulls the trigger.

A dart zings right over Sulu's head, and Chekov re-pumps the pistol with
enough compressed air for another shot.  He takes another shot, even worse
than the last.  He repumps the pistol and then kneels down, to take more
careful aim on his best friend.

Chekov: I kent BELIEVE I'm doing this Sulu, but... I HEV to...

He pulls the trigger, and a tiny pink-feather-tipped dart sticks in Sulu's
neck.  Sulu winces in pain, his eyes pinching shut, then re-opening as he
resumes his crazed ballet dance.  As he continues, Sulu begins slowing 
down, visibly, his steps getting less graceful, his leaps less powerful.
All three of them lunge forward, and Spock catches Sulu, tackling him to
the ground.  Chekov ties a flexible piece of twig around Sulu's ankles,
holding them together.  He does the same with Sulu's wrists, and soon Sulu
appears to be asleep.  

Spock: Let's get back to the Galileo.

Chekov and Spock lift Sulu, and Uhura lights a gas torch, focusing
the beam ahead of them so that they can find their way through the now-dark
forest.  Scene switches to a small clearing where the Galileo is sitting
with its running lamps switched on.  We see Spock, Uhura, and Chekov
clear the underbrush, and soon they're hoisting Sulu into the gondola.
Spock climbs behind the wheel and fires up the engines, and the Galileo
takes to the sky.  Scene switches to the shuttlecraft hangar, as the Galileo
eases up into the chamber and docks with the Enterprise.  Twiggy begins
closing the external hangar doors, and soon they are sealed safely inside.

Dramatic music as Kirk spontaneously erupts into an utterly horrific version
of the Beatles classic "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", causing Uhura to
hold her ears, as everyone begins carrying Kirk and Sulu to Sick Bay.

***************************

First Officer's Log, Stardate 20030123:
The Captain and Mr. Sulu are recovering in sick bay.  Their hallucinations
have subsided, after Doctor McCoy administered the proper anti-fungal
antidotes to "end their trips" (as he termed it).  Their insect stings have
healed, though both men are still experiencing occasional "flashbacks", or 
short-lived hallucinations.  We have suspended all forest excursions, even
those for scientific purposes, until all crewmembers have completely regained
their health.  At present, we are convening the Competence Inquiry, concerning
Doctor McCoy's lapse in judgement in administering the pink mushroom potion.

Scene opens in the Clubhouse (the "playroom" atop the Enterprise's huge
airship hull).  Spock, Scotty, and Uhura are sitting behind a huge, ornate
squirrel-carved wooden table.  A small wooden gavel is situated in front of
Spock.  Bones is seated about fifteen feet in front of the wooden table,
in a small chair, with a lamp shining brightly down upon his head.  The
Clubhouse blinds have been lowered, to accentuate the contrast between the
bright light above Bones and the remainder of the room.  Chekov is watching
on, his arms folded.  Twiggy is "all ears".

Spock (picking up and clacking the gavel): This hearing is forthwith commenced.
We are here to render judgement on the unfortunate matter of an Inquiry into
Doctor McCoy's competence as Ship's Physician onboard the Airship Enterprise.
Mr. Montgomery Scott, will you please read the charge?

Scotty begins to read an incredibly voluminous document, written in Vulcan
"legal-ese", that only a lawyer with an IQ of greater than 367 could possibly
hope to understand.  After numerous pauses, to take sips of water-diluted
Scotch, everyone is quiet. We can almost hear Bones' eyes bugging out of their
sockets with anger...

Spock: We will now hear Doctor McCoy's answers to these charges.

Bones: How can I possibly answer charges that are completely beyond me
to even comprehend, SPOCK???? (spitting mad)  It all comes down to this.
Sulu and Chim were both stung, in Sulu's case LETHALLY, with insects whose
venom we barely understand.  I had to act quickly to save their lives, or
at least prevent permanent brain and vital organ damage.  Yes, I concocted
a hallucinogenic compound, without meaning to.  But I knew that the serum
from the brilliant pink mushrooms would be effective, so I used it, knowing
full well that hallucinations might result.  But it was better than the
alternative of losing one crewman, and perhaps two.  It was a judgement call,
and I would make the same call again if I had to.  Otherwise, they'd be
DEAD, SPOCK!!!!

Uhura blows her nose, tears streaming down her cheeks when she realizes the
risks of fungal medicine, and of how close Sulu and Kirk might have come to
dying.

Chekov stands up.

Chekov: If I may, Meester Spock.

Spock: We have received a motion from the gallery.  I vote for permitting
Chekov to speak.  How say ye others?

Scotty and Uhura both nod emphatically.

Chekov: It is *I* who failed, as chief of security onboard this vwessel.
Doctor McCoy administered the drugs required to save the Keptin and Sulu.
I should have then guarded them carefully, possibly placing them under
heavy restraint, to prevent them from harming themselves, the rest of the
crew, or this vwessel.  However, I did not do so, and both crewmen then
jumped from the Enterprise.  Luckily they survived, but this would never have
HEPPENED if I had properly guarded them.  I plead for the court to have mercy
on Doctor McCoy, and I submit MYSELF for official inquiry.

Just then, we hear a door creak open.  In shambles Sulu, looking very tired,
with scars from the insect stings still visible on his face and neck.  He
walks up to Chekov and "flops down" in a chair beside his best friend.

Bones: Sulu, what are you doing out of Sick Bay???

Sulu: I motion to make an official (tries to catch his breath) statement
to the court.

Spock: The tribunal recognizes Mr. Sulu at this time.

Sulu: I request the court's leniency on Mr. Chekov.  He aided valiantly in
our rescue on the planet surface, and I know how difficult it was for him
to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun.  In addition, the shot was placed
flawlessly, to incapacitate me, causing minimal collateral damage.
Yes, he should have restrained us onboard the Enterprise, but we are only
now learning how to cope with the dangers on this planet.  It was *I* who
foolishly stepped on the insect hive, without watching properly where I was
walking.  I therefore submit myself for punishment, for negligence during
my duties on landing party assignment.

Suddenly, Kirk stumbles clumsily into the Clubhouse, knocking into furniture,
a glazed look in his eye.  He bumps into a cabinet, causing a small trickle
of blood to ooze from the right corner of his mouth.  He does his trademark
"blood wipe with the back of his hand" maneuver and collapses onto the floor
beside Chekov.  Chekov helps him up into a sitting position.

Kirk: I motion to make an official statement, as Ship's Captain.

Bones: Chim, what in the blazes????  You could have another flashback at any
moment!!

Kirk: S'okay, Bones... (grinning)

Spock: The tribunal recognizes Captain Kirk at this time.

Kirk: Sulu was doing his best down there in the forest.  I should have ordered
everyone to be extra careful, since this was our first time in this particular
forest.  We were facing a variety of (catching his breath, his face sweating)
dangers down there.  If I had conducted a proper pre-expeditionary briefing,
Sulu would have been more careful, and would never have stepped on the hive.
This would have prevented the stings, which would have prevented our
hallucinations.  I therefore make a variety of motions to the court. First,
that Bones be forgiven for his quickness in using a dangerous substance to save
the lives of myself and Mr. Sulu.  Next, that Mr. Chekov be forgiven for
not thinking to restrain myself and Mr. Sulu in Sick Bay.  Next, that Sulu
be forgiven for stepping on the insect hive.  Next, that I be forgiven for
not holding a proper crew briefing.  Finally, that this tribunal be resolved,
and that all enjoy a good drink together, in celebration for the fact that
we're all still alive to SHARE that drink together.

The entire crew, minus Spock, erupts into cheers and whistles.  Spock looks
to his left (at Uhura) and right (Scotty), raising a different eyebrow in
each direction. 

Spock: It appears that this tribunal is in agreement with all of your
motions, Captain.

Dramatic music as everyone crowds around the fancy wood-carved bar in
the Clubhouse, while Scotty and Chekov start mixing drinks for everyone.
Slapstick Lucy-in-the-sky-with-diamonds music as Kirk suddenly has a minor
flashback in which he sees something strange and starts singing about
newspaper taxis appearing on the shore, waiting to take you away, whereupon
you climb in the back with your head in the clouds,
and you're GONE Gone gone gone!!!!

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030124:
Wow, what a crazy few days I'VE had!  Sulu and I hallucinated for over 40
hours after ingesting a curative potion (formulated by Bones) that included
cooked brilliant pink mushrooms as one of its main ingredients.  I'm 
embarrassed to say that I sang a few too many bad songs, but at least I
wasn't leaping around, doing naked ballet steps, in the forest.  The real
kicker, though, came just this morning, as we all started to get back to
our routines, when Sulu described everything that happened in his own head.
It ends up that we SHARED the same hallucination together!  We had identical
impressions of everything that happened, even Spock appearing as the god
Neptune, descending from the clouds!  We're now consulting with Spock about
how this might have been possible.

Scene opens on the bridge, where everyone is seated, thankfully, in their
usual positions.  Uhura is busily working with Twiggy on some kind of large
botanical "switchboard-looking" device.  It consists of a large brown
wood panel, covered with regular rows and columns of holes.  Hundreds of
thin, smooth green twigs are stuck into some of the holes.  What this
contraption is still remains to be seen...

Kirk: So why would Sulu and I have had the same hallucination?  

Spock: There are myths and legends, on both Earth and Vulcan, which describe
special plants, which, when ingested, provide a common hallucinatory experience
on the part of all participants.

Bones: I'm familiar with some of these EARTH myths, Spock, and all of them
deal with very general impressions, like being bathed in a blinding light,
or feeling euphoric.  None of the legends I'm familiar with include such
specific details as songs, tastes of certain foods, and visual details
that are impossible to call "general".  For instance, they both heard the
pink mushrooms singing the same songs.  Yet Chim and Sulu have very different
musical interests.  Sulu, you don't listen much to the Beatles do you?

Sulu: I haven't listened to them in AGES, Doctor McCoy.

Bones: See what I mean?  Yet BOTH of you heard the mushrooms belting out 
one Beatles tune after another!

Spock: I cannot refute these facts, Doctor.  Perhaps the universal, collective
consciousness here on Arboria causes synchronous telepathic patterns.

Uhura: Is that a fancy way of saying that mind-reading could be common here?

Spock: Precisely.  This is further evidenced by your own blossoming ESP powers.

Kirk: That makes sense to me, Spock.  By the way, how's the new mental
sensor array coming along?

Twiggy: Very nicely, Captain.  I've almost finished growing all of the 
resonance pods.  They're essentially large seeds, with internal plant sensor
organs.  Each seed, of a different size and water content, will act as an
antenna for a different frequency of ESP energy.  I am growing both 
receiver and transmitter pods.  These will be placed around the hull of
the Enterprise.  All sensors will be wired to this switchboard, so that,
when Uhura sticks this big twig in her ear, she'll be patched in to the ESP
energy of this whole PLANET!

Uhura: I'm so excited about it!  Imagine hearing the juicy gossip from every
tree, every squirrel!  Who knows where this will lead?

Spock: You could serve as a kind of "communications satellite" here, for
sharing information between organisms separated by huge distances, as well as
across species boundaries.

Chekov: You could also EAVESDROP on the conversations of pterosaurs, and
we could know with more warning when they are plenning to atteck our
vwessel!

Kirk: I agree, this is an exciting new technology, with many possible
applications.  If you ever tune in on one or two attractive female faeries,
please lemme know?

Uhura: Will do, Captain (winking).

Chekov: And remember, the pterosaurs!  I'd like to know if they're afraid
of me in particular, after I blew a couple of them out of the sky!

Bones: That sounded a little agressive there, Chekov.  I hope you don't have
another "earwig" inside your head, turning you into a mean and nasty person
again.

Chekov: Don't worry, Doctor.  I don't ENJOY blowing them out of the sky, but
I just want them to know that attecking this vwessel is a dumb thing for
them to do!

Sulu: It's too bad that we can't develop some kind of SHIELDS for our ship.
Guns are good to have, but having shields would be a major advance.

Scotty: We'd have to find some way to generate and focus energy around the
perimeter of our ship.  And I don't know what kind of energy that could
be generated with our technology.

Spock: There IS one possibility that I have already considered.  It might
be within our technological reach to splice a piece of the Monolith Tree
into our ship, to thereby generate almost unlimited amounts of energy.

Bones: But we don't know what that'd DO to us, Spock!!!!  That's one helluva
lot of energy!

Uhura suddenly grins and stands up.

Uhura: We have a visitor, everyone...

Sing-songy music as Yodel comes zipping through an open window on the bridge
and hovers before them, his left hand clenched tightly for some reason,
as if he is holding onto something very valuable.  Even more ridiculous
music as Chekov runs over to Yodel and gives him a big high-five, Yodel
laughing his humorous laugh as he spins around while hovering a foot
above the deck of the bridge.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030127:
We're all pretty much back to normal now -- no flashbacks from the pink
mushrooms, and Uhura and Twiggy have nearly completed the new ESP communications
system with "Operator Switchboard".  Meanwhile, Yodel has just "popped in"
for a visit, and we're all pleased as pie to see him.  Ever since he started
living on his own, while still training Silly Zonka as his apprentice, he's
been a lot more bearable.  Especially without Annakin around, and those two
perpetually bickering about candy, sugary snacks, and video games...

Scene opens on the bridge, where Yodel is still hovering, a mischievous
look on his gnarly green face.  Everyone else is talking with him, except
for Uhura, who is busy hooking up her ESP "earplug listening device" to
the new switchboard system that will enable her to communicate with virtually
any creature on Arboria.

Kirk: So, Yodel, how is Silly Zonka's training coming along?

Yodel: Wonderfully his training proceeds.  Too obsessed with sugary SNOWCONES
he is, however!!!

Scotty: Well, Zonka's mission in life is makin' snowcones.  You gotta take
that into consideration...

Sulu: You look a little pale, Master Yodel.  You don't look quite as green
as usual.

Yodel: Reasons for that, there are. Photosensitive have I become.  To a cave
have I retired, with a large lake inside, and a small island at its center.

Chekov: What brought you here for your visit?

Yodel: A disturbance in the Force I felt, and here have I come.  This project
of yours, Uhura, I think it not a wise idea.

Uhura: Why not?  I think it's always good to set up lines of communication
on ANY planet...

Yodel: But too much communication breeds gossip. Gossip breeds anger, which
leads to hate, and hate leads to the DARK SIDE!

Kirk: I suppose we'll have to just agree to disagree then on the matter.

Yodel: Much longer than anyone else in my race have I lived.  Centuries have
I lived, when all else lived but 70 or 80 years.  And through my years have
I gained much wisdom and intuition about right and wrong.

Spock: I had no idea that other members of your race had a typically "human" 
lifespan, Master Yodel.

Yodel: WAYS I have had, of lengthening my years, of extending my life.  My
precious--

Kirk: Your what?  Your precious life?

Yodel suddenly clenches his closed fist more tightly than before, causing the
flesh to turn from very pale green to an almost milky color...

Yodel: Do what you will concerning your ... ESP... device, but many confusing
evil words may you hear.  Heed them not, for rambling thoughts of the great
trees they are.  Leave now I must...

Bones: But I thought the trees are good and noble.  Why would they have suddenly
turned evil?

Yodel: Explanations I cannot presently offer.  Fare thee well, good crew.

And with that, Yodel takes to flight, after tucking something from his
clenched fist into a pouch anchored to his belt.  Everyone is left speechless
on the bridge, a chill swirling in the air where the Jet-Eye Master was
hovering.

Bones: Was Yodel acting strange or WHAT???  He was so pale, so gnarly, and
there was an almost... SLIMY quality about him.

Uhura: I thought he seemed "slippery", in more ways than one.  And I don't
know what he meant about not listening to "evil thoughts" that I might hear
through the ESP sensors.

Kirk: Uhura, as ship's official ESP officer, I'd like you and Spock to work
together on keeping a "telepathic eye" on what Yodel is up to.  Be quiet,
discreet, and leave no mental footprints that Yodel can follow back here.

Uhura: Yes, Captain.

Spock: Understood.

Twiggy: I can't believe I once WORKED with Yodel, on his cause of eliminating
the megaliths.  I'm beginning to wonder if he had ulterior motives, beyond
just returning the "natural order of Arboria".  He's got something up his
sleeve, or in his pocket.  Uhura, you could contact Finkelstein, once you're
up and running, to see what he might know.  After all, with the power of
the Monolith, he might know a lot more than we know at present.

Kirk: Excellent idea, Twiggy.  I also think it's important to develop a kind
of ESP "shield" around our vessel, using your organic ESP transmitters,
Twiggy.  I would like you to work with Spock and Uhura on studying the
feasibility of such a system.  The sooner we can cloak ourselves from Yodel's
own ESP abilities, the better.

Dark, ominous sounding music as an external view shows the Enterprise floating
gracefully through a sky which is slowly filling with dark clouds, the valley
below still vivid with color, but a mountain in the distance seeming "washed
out of its color" for some reason...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030130:
After Yodel's departure from the Enterprise, we were left in a very dark
and gloomy mood.  It was as though he radiated a kind of "negative
energy field", draining us of our own sense of happiness and zest for
life.  The sky remained dark for several hours, with thunderheads, cold
rain, and brightly forked bolts of lightning.  Spock and Twiggy are sure
that Yodel is haboring some heretofore hidden source of malovelent power.
Uhura was left dazed by the experience, as her own ESP powers continue to
grow.  Meanwhile, Uhura, Spock, and Twiggy are working on a ship-wide
ESP blocking shield, and Uhura is about to stick the ESP-plug into her
ear and switch on her cool new switchboard for the first time.

Scene opens on the bridge, where Uhura is finishing hooking up numerous
flexible green vines to her ESP switchboard.  Everyone watches on as she
lifts the large wooden "plug" (attached via a very thin vine to the 
switchboard) and wedges its rounded knob inside her ear.  She jumps,
her eyes widening as her eyes shift back and forth, a smile appearing
on her face.

Uhura: This is AMAZING!  I can hear the trees talking to each other, with my
ESP!

Twiggy: We are currently tuned to the "tree band" of the life radiance
spectrum.

Kirk: Try communicating with one of the trees, Uhura!

Uhura nods and lifts a large helmet, with tiny "probes" jutting at regular
intervals across the clear helmet's exterior.  Each probe is connected to
the switchboard with more wire-like vines.  She lowers the helmet onto her
head and closes her eyes.

Uhura: I have initiated contact with a Tree who calls himself Enterrel.
It's fascinating -- the trees speak with male and female voices!

Spock: As would be expected, considering that the trees on Arboria are
sexed, just as are many plant species on Earth and other worlds around
the galaxy.

Kirk: What are you saying?

Uhura: I'm explaining who we are, about our ship, and they send a happy
greeting to us.  All of them know about us.  Evidently, the sentient plants
here are like one huge grape-vine, spreading gossip around the entire planet.
They're incredibly conversational!

Scotty: What do they think about our ship, Uhura?

Uhura: They think it's beautiful!  And they say they're happy to supply
acorns to fuel our engines...

Chekov: Ask them if they were watching when I blew those pterosaurs out of
the sky with our vwessel's new guns!

Bones shoots Chekov a worried glance, his eyes twitching...

Uhura: Uh-huh, they saw it alright.  One of the trees just remarked that
you seemed to really enjoy that.

Bones: Can you hear FINKELSTEIN at all?

Uhura: Yes, I can hear him.  He's ranting about something.  Sounds like
he's upset!  He's saying, "you didn't THINK about whether you should be
growing more acorns, ya just DID it!  Ya just slapped buds on the ends of
your twigs and started growin' more acorns without even thinking about what
it might mean down the road..."

Bones: That sure sounds like Finkelstein, alright! (nodding with his arms
folded)

Sulu: He must drive the other trees CRAZY with all those rants of his...

Uhura: I might work on a sound filter, so I can cut out his voice when I need
a break.  With his "monolith power", he sounds a hundred times louder than
anyone else!

Twiggy: It looks like all that power went to his roots, Captain.

Kirk: Let's try a different set of frequencies.

Twiggy turns a large selector knob on the switchboard.

Uhura: I can't hear the trees anymore.  Now I hear little chirpy voices,
all talking about which leaves in the forest are the juiciest to eat!

Spock: This could very well be the ESP frequency band for the insects of
Arboria.

Uhura: Each of their voices is very faint, but I can hear countless billions
of them.  Some are louder than others, and I'm guessing those are the nearby
ones.

Kirk: Awesome!  You can hear BUGS talking, and you can understand them, too???

Uhura: Uh-huh!  This is great!

Twiggy: Now trying channel 3.

Uhura: Everything has gone silent now... All I hear is a distant, faint
static-like sound.  Oh wait... wait a minute (whispered, her eyes shifting
back and forth).  That voice is familiar.  It sounds like... ZONKA!

Kirk: What's he saying?

Uhura: He's... COUNTING...

Bones: COUNTING?  What in the blazes is he doing that for?

Uhura: He's mumbling each number to himself.  With my ESP, I sense a sleep-like
state, almost a trance...

Sing-songy music as she realizes that Zonka is counting sheep, in an effort
to fall asleep.  More zany, slapstick-style music as she shares her thoughts
with the rest of the crew, causing them to burst into laughter.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030131:
Uhura has been entertaining us thoroughly, by relating to us her experiences
thus far with "eavesdropping" on the various telepathic communications
between plants and animals on this miraculous and amazing world.  In the
meantime, Spock is working with Twiggy and Uhura on building an ESP defensive
system, to prevent dark forces from tapping into Uhura's flow of communications.
Spock's own powers of intuition indicate that "something is up" with Yodel,
and perhaps even Zonka, his apprentice.  We'll keep our guard up where either
is concerned.  We've reached the western extreme of Christmas Valley, and 
Sulu is even now piloting the Enterprise over Spock's Ridge, allowing us to
explore the next valley.

Scene opens on the bridge, where Spock and Uhura are seated at Spock's
science station, with Twiggy dangling overhead.  Spock is working on 
some calculations (with pen and paper).  From behind his shoulder, we can
see numerous sketches with labels and numbers, as if he is busy designing
some sort of new machine. Uhura is watching, though obviously fighting off
"the drowsies", since she has nothing to contribute to Spock's deep
scientific calculations, and he's been at it for a couple of hours.  Twiggy
is just hanging overhead, so it's hard to tell whether he's asleep or awake...

Spock: I've concluded, Twiggy, that a mental resonator chamber, with these
approximate dimensions, including a tunable cillia-based filter, could set
up a set of telepathic standing waves, of appropriate amplitude and frequency
bandwidth, to serve, in essense, as an "ESP Jammer", preventing outside
mentalities from deducing the "mental goings-on" inside the jamming field.
The only problem is in calcuating the power modulation.  If we only had
a computer, I could accomplish this task with ease.

Bones: Would ya listen to THAT, everyone???  SPOCK finally admitting he can't
calculate everything inside his own head?  HA!

Spock: The power modulation factors involve a whole host of variables, as well
as the simultaneous solution of 17 different nonlinear mixed-order partial
differential equations, in 17 variables, all of which are highly sensitive
and somewhat discontintuous functions of time and location.

Bones: What if I built you a SLIDE-RULE??? *smacks his knee and laughs*

Scotty: You're a cruel man, Doctor McCoy.  Maybe one o' your Scotch-based
TONICS could increase Spock's brain power enough so he wouldn't need a computer!

Sulu: Just make sure to leave out any cooked brilliant pink mushrooms, or
Spock will find himself turning into a purple squid swimming in an ocean
of liquid nitrogen.

Kirk: You bust me up, Sulu!  Did ya hear that, Bones?

As a joke, Bones jumps up and rushes toward Sulu, as if he's chasing him
down for making such a rude comment about his potion skills.  As he runs
across the deck, a small end table, situated a few feet from Bones, suddenly
flies violently to one side, striking the wall of the bridge.

Bones: Did you SEE that?

Kirk: Your vibration on the deck must have knocked it over, Bones.

Bones: No, Chim.  That table didn't just topple over.  It FLEW to one side,
VIOLENTLY!  As though some invisible force shoved it aside, to... (thinking,
his hand rubbing his chin) to... GET OUT OF MY WAY AS I RAN TOWARDS IT!

Kirk sits up with alarm, and everyone else seems upset by Bones' latest theory.

Uhura: I DO feel some kind of disturbance in "feeling space"... a kind of 
"mental coldness", that's been creeping around the bridge for some time now.  

Kirk: General order bottle-up!  General order bottle-up!

With Kirk's "cryptic command", everyone jumps up and rushes to seal every
door and window on the bridge.  Scotty closes two windows, Spock closes the
hatch leading onto the bridge, and Chekov grabs his tranquilizer dart gun,
cocking it for firing.

Kirk: That was pretty good, everyone.  We learned that back at Starflet
Academy, and that's the first time we've ever used it, in nearly a CENTURY
of adventures throughout numerous galaxies and at least three universes!

Bones: Hopefully, whatever creature we might have trapped in here is NOT
able to move through solid walls.  It could very well be among us, right now!

Twiggy: If I may, Captain?

Kirk: What's that, Twiggy?

Twiggy: Allow me to generate water vapor, from my leaf surfaces.  This vapor
will adhere to and reveal the subtlest motions and shapes that are normally
invisible to the unaided eye.

Kirk: Proceed at once!  Everyone, stand your ground!  Chekov, prepare to fire,
on my command!

Chekov: (grinning) YES, KEPTIN!

From Twiggy's leaves, scattered across the bridge ceiling on numerous vines,
a thick white mist begins to descend.  Bright light is filtering through the
bridge windows, provided excellent visibility as the bridge starts fogging
up.  Soon, we can see a region where the mist is "clumping" to something
short and stout.  As the mist continues to fall, we can soon make out the
shape of none other than...

Kirk: YODEL!!!!

Just then, the shape of Yodel, visible in the mist, sneezes loudly from having
his nose tickled by the mist.  A second later, Yodel materializes in front
of them, his hands overlapping, as though he's hurriedly removing something
from one of his fingers.  Whatever the object is, he quickly stows it in a
small pocket in his cloak.

Uhura: What are YOU doing here???

Kirk walks up to Yodel, who is trying to cram some sheets of paper into
his pocket.  Kirk grabs them from the Jet-Eye Master.

Kirk: Spock, it looks like Yodel was making copies of the schematics you
were drawing.  Were you going to use those plans to figure out how to
"get around them"???

Dramatic music as Yodel shakes with anger, his green pointed ears quivering
and shaking with rage, his gnarled fists clenched, as Chekov walks up to
the aging Jet-Eye Master, tranquilizer dart gun in hand.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030205:
We found Yodel stowed away and hiding onboard the Enterprise!  He had 
cloaked and rendered himself invisible while standing on the bridge,
watching our every move and listening to our plans, strategies, and 
discussion about his questionable behavior.  And now he's shaking mad,
a crazed look in his eye that I never dreamt I'd see on the Jet-Eye
Master's face!  What happened to Yodel?  Who is he, really?  Who have
we been dealing with for years now, assuming all along that he's the
"good guy"???

Scene opens on the Enterprise bridge.  Yodel is standing before them, 
shaking with rage, his green face somewhat paler than usual, his eyes
quivering in their sockets and pointing, at times, in slightly different
directions.

Kirk: What you were doing here, hiding on our ship?  Why were you making
copies of our schematics for an ESP shield? 

Yodel stands there, shaking...

Kirk: I want ANSWERS!!! (very angry look on his face)

Yodel: Tell them, tell them, you must!

Then Yodel turns his shoulder to Kirk, and talks into his own left shoulder,
in a different voice.  It sounds raspier, softer, almost feminine.

Yodel: Noooo, noooo, tell them do NOT!  Cast us out they will, and discover
our P--... our... PRECIOUSSSssssss...

Bones: What is this... Precious?

Kirk: Twiggy, seal every entrance to the Enterprise.  Place all available
weapons in your own vines, at each possible entranceway.  If any force begins
to attempt to gain entry... FIRE...

Twiggy: Yes, Captain.  Within two minutes, this new security measure will
be in place.

Views throughout the Enterprise show vines reaching out and slamming shut
doors and windows.  Other camera shots show pistols and rifles being moved
through corridors and up ladders, as one set of vines hands them to another,
then to another, etc.

Kirk: I'm assuming that you're acting ALONE, Yodel.  And I'm also assuming,
by the way that you knocked that end table to one side while attempting to
avoid detection, that you can become invisible, but that you can't pass
through solid objects.  So, once you're off this ship and the last door is
closed, we'll be safe from your eavesdropping...

Yodel: Hovering just outside I will be, waiting for any door or window to open!

Kirk: But WHY???  What are you doing here?

Yodel: Tell them do not!  Tell them do not! (spinning around again to talk
to himself)  Tells them, do not, about our Precious!

Bones: Chim, Yodel is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, if not INSANITY!!!!
He appears to have some sort of multiple personality disorder!!!

Spock: Master Yodel, you spoke at some point in the past about the fact that
you have lived unnaturally long for your species, centuries beyond a normal
life span.  How can you explain this?

Yodel: My PRECIOUS it is!  My precious my life preserves!

Kirk: Okay, okay... are you gonna just bandy that word "PRECIOUS" around all
day, or are you gonna show us what the hell your "PRECIOUS" really is???  I
don't believe in this "PRECIOUS".  I think you made it all up, just to play
with our heads!

Yodel: REAL, Precious is!  

Kirk: Nah, I think you're just playing games... (folds his arms and looks almost
disinterested)

Yodel: SHOW you we will!

Yodel reaches into his pocket and removes something shiny and metallic.
Kirk lunges out and grabs the object from Yodel's hand.  Yodel HOWLS
deafeningly, and takes to the air, chasing Kirk around the bridge.  Kirk
runs round and round, trying to dodge Yodel.  Kirk tosses the shiny object
to Spock.  Yodel than takes off after Spock, who then tosses it to Sulu.
They continue, tossing to one person, then another, until Yodel finally slows
down and sits on the deck of the bridge.  He is huffing and puffing from all
that exertion, and he places his hands over his face and begins to cry.
Kirk is holding the object, which he raises to the light.

Kirk: A RING???  Spock, what do you make of this?

Spock draws up beside Kirk and inspects the shiny gold band.

Spock: The object seems wholly unremarkable.

Uhura: I sense a darkness about that thing!  It's EVIL, Captain!

Kirk: What are you talking about?  How can a RING be evil?

Uhura: I don't know how.  I just know that it IS evil!!!  And I sense that
Yodel's power is dwindling, because he longer holds the ring.  As though it's
a ring that generates or focuses POWER of some kind...

Dramatic music as Kirk holds the Ring of Power up to Yodel, who suddenly lunges
at it from his quiet, weepy position on the floor.  Crescendo of slapstick
music as Kirk pulls the ring away, just in the nick of time, causing Yodel
to wail loudly again and resume his weeping...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030206:
Yodel has come completely unglued, and he appears to be suffering from 
multiple personality disorder.  He now has TWO personae -- one of which is
the "regular Yodel", though much more nervous, spiteful, and quick to anger
than before.  The other personality, however, is dark, twisted, and malevolent.
Uhura has sensed great evil in this "Ring of Power" that I snatched from
Yodel's hand.  As to whether the ring has caused this perversion in Yodel's
personality, no one is certain.  The fact that Yodel has lived so many centuries
beyond his normal life expectancy points to the possibility that he has 
possessed this ring for CENTURIES, a mysterious power radiating from it that
lengthens his life.  What a conundrum we find ourselves in, just as we
are entering the next valley in the huge mountain range.  We quickly and
unceremoniously dubbed this enchanted place "Green Valley", because the
vegetation here is more vividly green than anything we've seen before.

Scene opens on the bridge, where Yodel is standing at the center of the
bridge, Kirk nearby, still holding the ring tightly in his hand.  Uhura
is sitting at her ESP switchboard, while Spock has rolled up and put away
his schematics for the new ESP defense shield system.  Up among the vines
on the bridge ceiling, we see a tranquilizer gun, maintaining its aim (under
Twiggy's control) on Yodel.  Chekov is aiming a much more powerful warhead-
firing rifle at Yodel.

Yodel: You, becoming able to shield yourself from my presence, I must prevent!  

Kirk: But WHY?  Don't we, the crew of the Enterprise, have the right to 
determine who is or isn't allowed onboard our ship?

Yodel: (2nd voice) Tells them we're lonely in our cave, on our tiny island.
Tells them a dark force wants our RING, and that we hide to prevents Him
from gettin's it!

Spock: Please describe the nature of this dark force.  Is it a corporeal
entity, or something hidden within your own dark subconscious mind?

Yodel: Oh, real enough, he is.  Cast out from the world he is, and plotting --
to conquer and control all life, all existence on Arboria he IS...

Bones: Who is it???  Do we know him?

Yodel: (2nd voice) Don't tells 'em!  Don't tells 'em, or else the Dark Lord'll
KILLS us!  Kills us both!

With that, Yodel lunges forward, tackling Kirk.  The ring tumbles across the
deck, and Yodel dives upon it, suddenly placing it onto his finger, whereupon
he vanishes.  Suddenly, an end table lifts into the air and flies through one
of the bridge windows, shattering it.  Wind rushes through the bridge as
Kirk steps forward and stares through it, the wind ruffling his hair as dark
clouds gather in the sky.

Uhura: I realize now that a lot of the "darkness" I've been sensing was due
to Yodel's presence.  And I no longer sense that presence.

Spock: He has fled our vessel, with the ring once again in his possession.

Kirk: Who could be this DARK LORD Yodel keeps referring to?  Or is Yodel just
insane?

Chekov: I think he's just plain crazy, Keptin.  Listening to him speak in two
voices like that made him seem so pitiful.

Scotty: I'll get busy on fixin' that window, Captain.

Scotty steps off the bridge and soon returns with a broom, with which he begins
to sweep up fragments of broken glass.

Kirk: Twiggy, you have authorization to open fire, as needed, to protect any
further incursions by Yodel.  You don't need my permission to do so.

Twiggy: Yes, Captain.  I will do whatever is necessary to protect this ship
and her crew.

With the tinkling sounds of broken glass in the background, Kirk sits down
in his command chair.

Kirk: But what if Yodel isn't just plain nuts?  What if he's sensing some evil
force on Arboria that's planning to destroy all that we hold sacred here?

Bones: But we have no other evidence of a dark force, Chim!  Uhura sensed
darkness only when Yodel himself was nearby.  Perhaps HE'S the dark force,
afraid of what he himself might do to harm this world.

Spock: A definite possibility.  After all, Yodel is a Jet-Eye master, and
possessing of great power.  However, I am now calling into doubt the nature
of that power, and of the Force, and the Bright Side, of which Yodel is the
self-proclaimed "Grand Master".

Sulu: You mean the Force might originate with the power radiating from that
RING of his?

Spock: Precisely.  A definite possibility.

Chekov: For all we know, Yodel was a broom-pusher on a boardwalk in some beach
town on a faraway pleasure planet.  And one day he found this ring, and he
found greatness through its power.  Ever since, he's been famous and powerful,
but all because of the ring!

Bones: I think you're reaching a little, Pavel, but he could have had just
such a humble background.  Could all of the FORCE be a sham?  If that's the
case, then what about the Dark Side?  If Yodel, from the Bright Side, is really
a bad guy, then what about Darth Mall and the Evil Lord himself?

Kirk: Could the Dark Side be behind all of this?  Is the Evil Lord of the Sith
the Evil Lord that Yodel was babbling about?

Dramatic music as "Tune in Tomorrow, Same Goofy Trek Time, Same Goofy Trek
Channel" flashes colorfully and brightly on the screen.  Even more dramatic
music as Spock unrolls his plans for the ESP shield and resumes his 
calculations, while Scotty carries in a replacement window and begins 
installing it at the front of the bridge, the sky outside black/purple with
thunderheads.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030210:
What a face-off we had with Yodel!  He appears to be suffering from multiple
personality disorder, and we now regard him as an evil adversary, rather than
as a friend.  All of his "goody-two-shoes" proclamations appear to be a sham.
He was as two-faced as they come, and the hypocrisy of it all is very
disheartening.  Perhaps he's plotting our destruction -- who knows?  In the
meantime, Spock has finished his plans for the ESP shield.  Twiggy is feverishly
growing the right plant parts to radiate at the proper mental energy
frequencies, and Uhura will now become our first line of "mental defense".
Patched through her ESP switchboard, she'll actually be able to discern when
we're under attack by Yodel.  And, if Yodel's near the ship, Twiggy's ESP energy
pods will be able to radiate at an intensity that would be too painful for
Yodel to withstand, thereby repelling him.  Meanwhile, Twiggy and Chekov are
securing the "physical security" of the Enterprise.  You might think that Yodel
is not someone to worry about, but he is, in fact, very powerful, and that
strange "Ring of Power" is no doubt at least one major contributor to Yodel's
malevolent, telepathic prowess.

Scene opens in the shuttle hangar bay onboard the Enterprise.  Numerous vines
have grown across the walls and around support struts inside the bay.  Several
vines are holding tranquilizer guns and explosive warhead guns, to open fire
at a moment's notice if Yodel (or any other hostile force, for that matter)
attempts to gain entry to the ship through the hangar bay doors.  Spock is, via
ropes and brackets, fastening large bright green, melon-sized "pods" around
the rim of the hangar bay doors.  Each pod is attached to a thick vine that
is part of the large, ever-growing organism we call "Twiggy".  Scotty is 
helping Spock by securing the vines to the superstructure of the Enterprise,
to help manage the tangled maze.

Scotty: This will take care of the hangar deck, but how will we ever be
able to go outside the ship?  Won't we then be vulnerable to attack by that
crazy Yodel character???

Spock: For the time being, Mr. Scott, we must concentrate our energies on
the safety of ourselves and this vessel.  I have already begun formulating
plans for personal-use ESP shielding.  But our ESP technology will have to
be refined further, to enable the installation of remotely activated and
controlled personal ESP shields.  They would be controlled from Uhura's
central switchboard.

Scotty: That would be great!  We could go outside and get some fresh air
and sunshine again!

Spock: Once the ESP shields have been activated, the "shell of protection"
will extend for at least an entire ship length in all directions.  This will
make it safe to once again venture to the outer decks, so that I can once
again resume my scientific investigation of this valley and its native 
flora and fauna.

Scotty: Ayeee, I'll be glad to get back to normal, too.  For a while there,
this place seemed like a Utopia, and now, with Yodel and that crazy evil
Ring of Power, I'm not sure what t' think!  Maybe there's more evil here than
we dared think.  With such a beautiful planet, it's hard to imagine there
being great evil hidin' in the shadows!

Spock: There, that does it, Mr. Scott.  The last mental energy pod is in place.
Let us now proceed along the corridors running along the ship's hull, and
install one pod every fifty meters.

Scene switches to the bridge, where Uhura is listening intently to the ESP
chatter, through the large plug jutting from her right ear.  Sulu is at the
helm, as the ship rocks gently back and forth in the high winds now buffeting
the ship.  The sky outside is ominously black, and arcs of lightning leap from
cloud to cloud.  Rolls of thunder hum through the ship's huge structure.

Kirk: Mr. Sulu, increase altitude to fifteen thousand feet.  That should
take us above these storm clouds.  Decrease speed to 20 knots, and maintain
current course.

Sulu: Aye, aye, Cap'n.

Bones: We're expending an awful lot of energy to DEFEND ourselves against
Yodel, Chim.  I think it's a pretty big gamble.  What if there are others
working with him, against us?  Maybe we should apprehend Yodel and neutralize
him!

Kirk: Like who?  Who might be working with him?

Chekov: What about Meester Mall, Keptin?

Kirk: Darth Mall, you mean?

Chekov: Yes.

Kirk: It seems strange that Yodel would have allied himself with Mall and
the Dark Lord Serious, after they battled each other for so long.

Bones: I got it, Chim!  What if Mall and Serious were actually CREATIONS
of Yodel's, to draw our attention to a "fake" source of evil?

Sulu: Now rising through a storm cloud layer, Cap'n.  Brace yourselves for
any turbulence.

Just then, everyone is rocked from their seats to the floor.  The camera
is shaking back and forth as everyone struggles to their feet.  It's obvious
that everyone is "faking" the vibration of the ship, since each crewmember
falls in a different direction.  Through the bridge windows, we can see the
sky turning brighter, and soon they rise above the cloud layer, exposing
a deep blue twilight sky.

Kirk: Is everyone ok?

Everyone nods and returns to their seats.

Twiggy: Spock and Scotty were thrown around like rag dolls, along access
corridor number seven.  Scotty sustained a moderate bump to the head, but Spock
is uninjured.

Kirk: It's too bad we can't anticipate where the major wind vortices will be.
We just don't have the right instruments onboard, with our low-tech ship,
nor do we have a supercomputer onboard, like we once did.

Twiggy: Perhaps I could work with Spock on developing an organic-brain-tissue-
based computer.  It could surpass a silicon-based binary computer, given the
right design.

Kirk: Good thinking, Twiggy!

Bones: Damnit Chim, I'm glad we finally got RID of computers!!!  Now you wanna
design and build NEW ones???

Dramatic music as Scotty stumbles onto the bridge, his trembling blood-spritzed
hand clenching a rag against a nasty contusion on his head, whereupon Bones
springs into action to administer first aid.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030211:
We're currently hovering above the severe thunderstorm that I'm convinced Yodel
brought upon us, after we "booted him" from the Enterprise.  Bones patched
up the bump on Scotty's head, and the ESP defense shields have been activated.
Uhura tested them out by noting that, aside from her ESP switchboard, she is
receiving no mental energies from INSIDE the ship's shields.  In other words,
the crew once again enjoys the privacy of their own thoughts.  I myself had 
been unnerved by knowing that Uhura could listen in on anything and everything
I was thinking.  It's also a relief to know that we can once again venture
to the outside decks on the Enterprise, without fearing attack from Yodel.
And, with our new "physical weapons" systems (the explosive warhead guns),
I believe that we are relatively safe from attack by other creatures.

Scene opens in the clubhouse (up on top of the Enterprise, at the front of
the ship).  Everyone is sitting around the clubhouse's large wooden table.
Scotty has a glittery white square bandage taped to his forehead, but,
otherwise, he appears to be in good condition.

Spock: The next task at hand is to consider the design and construction of
an organic supercomputer system.  This could further enhance Twiggy's 
capabilities, as well as provide an invaluable probabilistic and mathematical
tool for my scientific research.

Bones: Giving Twiggy such a powerful new brain could spell trouble, Spock!!!
Remember how advanced the M5 computer was, decades ago?  And the M5's inventor,
that CRACK-POT named Daystrom???  Well, between the two of them, we all nearly
lost our lives, and hundreds died on other starships.  No... I think building
an advanced computer is beggin' for trouble...

Twiggy: But this added functionality would not supplant my current mind, Doctor.
It would merely add new analytical faculties to my intellect.  I know the
difference between right and wrong, and any new "brainpower" wouldn't 
circumvent my morality.

Bones: But what happens if, with that new intellectual power, you arrive
at the intelLECtual decision that we're too "stupid" and "unthinking" for
our own good???  Our own experience is full of examples of planets on which
giant mega-computers were given, or seized control of, whole worlds full of
people because the machines thought they "knew what was best for the people".

Spock: The new design I am formulating, Doctor, involves the growing of a 
second, new brain, completely distinct from the first.  It will be "wired"
such that it cannot take part in the thought process of the original brain --
or "Twiggy", as we know him now.  This second brain will only operate with
our inputs, and will remain dormant otherwise.

Kirk: That sounds like it's pretty safe then.  How does everyone else feel?

Everyone but Bones simultaneously gives their enthusiastic approval.  Bones
is left shaking his head, a vacant stare on his face as he wonders what the
future holds for Twiggy and his upcoming "brain augmentation".

Kirk: That settles it, then.  Spock, Twiggy, you have some work to do.  And
I'm sure this new computer brain will be able to help calculate what happened
to Yodel, and what other dangers we might face here on Arboria.  What's next
to talk about?

Uhura: What about Zonka, Captain?

Kirk: What about him?

Uhura: Well, Silly Zonka was Yodel's Jet-Eye apprentice when we last saw him.
If Yodel is really evil, what about Zonka?

Bones: Why didn't we think of this sooner, Chim???  SPOCK, why didn't you
warn us about this?  I'm shocked you let that one slip past.

Spock is sitting with a strange look on his face, as though there is some
intense inner conflict raging in his mind.  Everyone notes Spock's bizarre
expression, as his eyes begin to widen, his lips quivering, his hands
trembling.

Bones: What the DEVIL???

Kirk lunges from his chair and rushes back to the clubhouse entrance door.
He slams it shut.  Uhura jumps up and holds her head between her hands,
her face wincing with pain. 

Uhura: Something is here, with us!!!

Kirk: Exactly!  And I bet it's ZONKA!  We were watching only for Yodel, so
we forgot about his bumbling, snowcone-making apprentice!  He must be 
invisible, like Yodel!  Another Ring of Power???

Suddenly, we hear a thumping noise inside the clubhouse liquor cabinet.  Chekov
whips out a tranq pistol and runs over to the cabinet door, now shaking around
on its hinges.  Chekov opens the door, and the curly-haired, beak-nosed head
of Silly Zonka pokes out.

Kirk: OUTTA there, Zonka!!!

Chekov drags Silly from his hiding place and forces him to his feet.

Kirk: Soooooo, SNOOPIN' on us, huh?  Working for YODEL????

Spock now appears to be "with it" again.  He walks over to Zonka.

Zonka: I was just following orders, Captain.  Yodel threatened to do terrible
things to me, TERRIBLE, if I didn't obey!

Spock: And you have mastered enough of the Force to put a mental block on
my own realization that you were just as much a danger to this ship as is
Master Yodel.

Kirk: You're gonna tell us everything you know about Yodel, you understand?
I wanna know what makes that green-skinned lunatic TICK!!!  I wanna know what
he eats for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I wanna know what his favorite
movies are, and how many times he brushes his teeth every day.  Got it???

Zonka: Well, his favorite flavor snowcone is chortleberry head cheese with
a sprig of celantro.

Silly music as everyone but Spock winces in disgust, at even the mentioning
of so strange and obviously disgusting a flavor of snowcone.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030217:
We have taken Silly Zonka deep into the bowels of the Enterprise, into a small
chamber along one of the maintenance corridors.  With only a single gas flame 
lamp burning above his head, and him tied securely into a wooden chair, we are
beginning our detailed interrogation of him, the "right-hand man" of Evil
Master Yodel.  We hope to obtain all the information required to properly size
up our new adversary, none other than the Jet-Eye Master himself.  Meanwhile,
a sudden cold front, as well as a MASSIVE accompanying blizzard, are blanketing
the valley below us beneath many feet of fresh white snow.  We're essentially
in a high-altitude "hover", waiting for the weather to improve.

Scene opens in a small chamber, about the size of an average bedroom.  A
white-hot gas jet burns in a lamp hanging about a foot above Zonka's head.
Zonka is dressed in an all-black outfit, and he's sitting on an unfinished
wood chair, his hands tied with ropes behind his back.  His eyes look puffy,
indicating that he's been crying because of all that has recently happened.
Kirk, Spock, and Bones are present for the interrogation.

Kirk: Okay, Zonka, out with it.  What's Yodel up to?  And why did we think he
was such a good guy, and now we find out he's really a bad guy?

Zonka: He DID seem good at first.  He showed me the ropes, as far as the
Force was concerned.  Showed me how to hypnotize myself, how to meditate, how
to empty my mind of all random thoughts to become, as he called it, "mindful
of the universe around me".  The moment I succeeded in doing this, I sensed
that there was some sort of mental barrier that Master Yodel himself was
putting up, as if to shield me from seeing "the real him".

Kirk: When did he recruit you for this little clandestine "SPY mission"?

Zonka: He told me that my first test, as his apprentice, was to steal onboard
the Enterprise and hide out somewhere, where I could hear everything that was
going on.  When I asked him why I needed to do this, he told me that the power
you felt, from commanding this great vessel, was going to your head.  That he
was worried you were about to upset the natural balance on Arboria, and he
wanted to know what your plans were.  I wasn't able to levitate and fly around
yet, so he brought me onboard.  Then, just after I had stowed myself away, you
discovered Master Yodel's presence.  We were only onboard for about an hour
before you found us out.

Kirk: So you claim to know nothing of any sinister motivations on the part of
Master Yodel, correct?

Zonka: I started to suspect something was wrong when I witnessed the scuffle
between you and Yodel.  I knew then that he was in the wrong.  But, by then, I
had stowed away, and I was too frightened to just come out with my hands up.
I should never have become his apprentice.  He's not a good person, after all.
And all I am is a snowcone maker.  Can't you see that, Captain?  I feel so
caught up in all of this!!!

Spock: My own telepathic scans indicate that everything Mister Zonka has said,
thus far, is true, Captain.  I believe that Silly Zonka has been an unwitting
pawn in Yodel's larger plot.

Kirk: Let's just hope that is indeed the case.  I wouldn't have to toss you in
the brig for a couple of months, until you decided to more cooperative.

Zonka: Now, earlier you asked what Master Yodel ate for breakfast, lunch, and
dinner, as well as how often he brushes his teeth.

Kirk looks embarrassed.

Zonka: Well, he brushes his teeth only once a week or so, after he eats
bananaberries, which leave lots of little hard seeds stuck between his fangs.
As for what he eats --

Kirk: That's okay, Silly.  I don't really need to know what he eats.

Bones: I wanna know what you can tell us about the Ring of Power!!!  And how
it can render him invisible!!!

Zonka: Soon after I became his apprentice, I always noticed him fidgeting and
toying with that bright, metallic ring.  Each time I asked him about it, he
snatched it away from my gaze, clenching it tightly, sneering at me, at the
same time mentioning how little I understood about "His Precious".  That ring
has an aura of evil around it.  Any time he's fiddling with it, he sinks into
a dark, brooding mood.  But, you see, I haven't yet developed the kind of
powers required to see straight into his soul.

Kirk: Okay, here's the deal.  We'll let you go, IF... and hear me out... IF you
agree to be an informant on Yodel's activities.  You already know he's evil.
We'll drop you off after this blizzard is finished, and you can head back to
his hideout.  And, by the way, before you leave, I want a detailed map of his
hideout and its location.  Anyway, once you're back in his hideout, I want you
to continue to be his apprentice, trying to learn everything you can about his
future plans.  At exactly midnight, each night, just voice your thoughts on
your findings, to yourself.  Uhura can listen in on your mental frequency
and pick up your latest findings.

Zonka: Wow, you mean I don't even need a radio that I keep hidden in a closet
somewhere, like those Commie spies I once read about during the Cold War Era
on your home planet of Earth?

Kirk: We are gaining in telepathic abilities, in leaps and bounds, almost by
the HOUR, Zonka.  Soon, we might be able to peer directly into Yodel's head to
find out what makes him tick.

Spock: We could leave him off in the valley we previously explored -- Christmas
Valley, where he could contact Master Yodel and secure the old Jet-Eye's help
in returning to their underground base of operations.  The blizzard is isolated
to the valley we are currently exploring, so the weather in Christmas Valley
should be fine.

Kirk: Excellent.  Twiggy, have Sulu plot a course across the mountain ridge. 
We'll drop Zonka overboard, on a tow cable, and he can take it from there.

Twiggy: Yes, Captain.  Mr. Sulu is already making the necessary course changes.

Zonka: What happens after you have de-fanged Master Yodel?  What kind of life
can I expect to lead after my mission is complete?  Do you have some sort of
witness protection program?  What if Yodel comes looking for me, for revenge?

Kirk: Well, you could always live with the Squirrels, back in Squirreltown.

Zonka: (eyes lighting up) Ah, yes... I DO recall their fondness for
snowcones!!!  Oh, one more thing.

Kirk: Yes?

Zonka: Late at night, sometimes, in the deep, dank darkness of the cave in
which we now live, I heard him whispering, like he was speaking from inside
his dreams.  He talked about raising a powerful army, one that no force, not
even the Monolith form of Finkeltree, could resist.  I believe, in my heart
of hearts, that Master Yodel is bent on subduing the very life force of all
Arboria.  And we cannot let that happen.

Kirk: You're darn TOOTIN' we can't let that happen.  Now, back to the bridge. 
We have to get you hooked up to a tow cable and then lower you to the surface.

Drumbeat-style military march music as Kirk and Bones begin untying the ropes
around Zonka's hands and wrists, and then walk, single-file, in step with each
other, toward the Enterprise bridge.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030218:
After completing our interrogation of Silly Zonka, we lowered him
on a cable and harness to the center of Christmas Valley.  Then
we re-crossed the mountain ridge and found that the massive blizzard
has ended, and the landscape below is an incredibly gorgeous winter
wonderland.  The ESP defense shields are in full operation, and 
Uhura's switchboard is functioning well, though it DOES have its
occasional "mental hiccups".  For example, while listening in on
Silly Zonka, the board "blew a fuse", causing green sap to ooze from
one of the switchboard holes.  Twiggy cleaned and replace the fuse,
and she is once again listening in as Zonka is being visited by none
other than Yodel himself.  Meanwhile, Spock is working with Twiggy
on a new organic brains-based computer system.  Lo and behold, Twiggy
has, on his own, engineered a speaker system, appearing as a large
Victrola horn, which allows all of us to listen in on whatever Uhura
is hearing!

Scene opens on the bridge, where everyone is listening to Silly
Zonka's thoughts.  We can hear Zonka's voice, as well as the voice
of Yodel, being heard by Zonka (and therefore by us, as well,
since Zonka's thoughts are being projected through Uhura's switchboard
and played through the speaker system).

Zonka: Well, I wasn't cloaked like you, so they found me on short
order.  Even you, Master Yodel, were found, wearing your ring.

Yodel: Rings your business are NOT, my half-witted apprentice!
Found you out they did!  Gather the plans for their ESP shields
you did NOT!

Zonka: You didn't get the plans either, did you?

Yodel: Sketch the blueprints I did, but grabbed, from my hands, by
Kirk, they were!

Zonka: Even with your Precious, you didn't get the plans, so how
could I--

Yodel: PRECIOUS you shall never say again!  MY precious it is, and
unknown, and unspoken of, by you!  On very thin ice you are walking!
Near apprentice dismissal you are!

Zonka: I'm surprised they found either of us.  That whole crew seems
pretty dim-witted really.  Who cares if they have an ESP shield.
They're just one small zeppelin on this huge planet that's yours
for the taking...

Yodel: Yes... yes, perhaps I HAVE been too pre-occupied with 
neutralizing them as an obstacle to gaining world control.

Kirk shoots Spock a glance, as the Vulcan raises an eyebrow.
Bones' eyes are nearly bugging out of their sockets as they shift
back and forth nervously.

Yodel: The trees we must begin to subvert, to win over to our side.
Entice them we must, with something to win their respect and 
admiration.

Zonka: That's a brilliant idea!  What were you thinking of?

Yodel: Fertilizer they must have, to grow ever faster and taller.
A compound we must formulate, to give to them as a gift.  But the
composition of this fertilizer we must not divulge, so as to make
them dependent upon us.  Busy we must become, and help we require.

Zonka: Who could help us, do you think?

Yodel: Around the world I will travel!  Help... I will secure...

With that, we hear a whizzing sound, as Yodel flies out of his
cave hideout.

Kirk: Speakers off, Uhura.

Spock: It appears that Mister Zonka was correct.  That Master Yodel
is indeed intent on controlling all of Arboria.  Unfortunately,
the Ring of Power appears to shield us from monitoring Yodel's 
thoughts, as well as his location.

Uhura: When he's very close, I can sense his presence, but certainly
not more than a hundred feet or so, at best.

Kirk: That means we have to just keep listening to all the life forms
on Arboria, until we find some evidence of Yodel's interaction with
them.  

Spock: Passive, indirect sensing, then, is our only option.

Kirk: Yes...

Sulu: It's too bad we can't get some creature to follow him around,
or find some kind of transmitter that we could stick ON Yodel, that
would act as a beacon, allowing us to track him.

Chekov: It would hev to be something that Yodel himself did not 
sense.  And if it were sticking to his body, I would guess that to
be very difficult to achieve, since he would figure out it was on
him and transmitting signals.

Bones: Well, we now know that Arboria isn't a utopia, as we had
hoped.  There's an insidious evil at work, and it's SPREADING!

Kirk: I still wanna know if Yodel is calling the shots, or if some
OTHER power is at work here...

Spock: That will take some time to determine, Captain.  In the
meantime, I will continue work on the organic computer system, with
all possible speed.  Such a computer could help us to predict Master
Yodel's next move.

Syncopated, scientist/engineer-style music, as Spock swivels around
on his chair and continues with the computer design, as Twiggy 
watches on and points this way and that with his leafy branches
and the two discuss computer architecture design issues...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030219: 
Uhura is amazing!  She's able to simultaneously monitor several ESP
frequency bands.  Thus, she can keep track of Zonka's thoughts, we well
as scan other bands, on a cyclical basis, to search for any signs of
the interaction of other species with Dark Lord Yodel.  In many cases,
Uhura hears the thoughts and "words" of other species, but we don't even
know which species we're listening to.  Sometimes, we assume the general
class of the organism by its thoughts.  For example, if she hears a thought
like "my leaves are really weighted down with snow this morning", then we
assume she's receiving thoughts from a plant.  Spock and Twiggy are
going gangbusters on the new computer design, and they have both concluded
that we need plant-based brain tissue "growth tanks" in order to more
quickly produce the required masses of "gray matter" (or, in this case,
"green matter") for whatever computer they design.  As a result, Scotty is
building said tanks in a room adjacent to Spock's science lab.  Bones is
giving his advice on the design parameters of the tanks, which should be
up and working within a day or two.

Scene opens in the "auxiliary science lab", where Scotty is busily 
constructing two large cubical tanks, each cube being about six feet
tall, wide, and deep.  The tanks have walls of a dense, glossy, tan-colored
wood that is waterproof.  Bones is working through some chemical reaction
equations, to figure out exactly which compounds are required to facilitate
the brain tissue growth.

Scotty: It's gonna be great to have this new computer up and runnin',
Doctor McCoy.

Bones: Let's not count our chickens before they hatch, Scotty!  This computer
could easily take over this ship and turn the Enterprise into another
mass-killing machine, just like the M5 did on the original Enterprise!!!

Scotty: But didn't ya hear how Spock's designin' the bloody thing?
It's not gonna be in control of the ship's systems!

Bones: Well, computers always find WAYS of gaining more control!  The moment
we switch on this brain-driven contraption, it'll be plotting how to take
over this ship and its crew.  At least that's my fear...

Scotty: That's a load o' BUNK.  You'll see how much better life is with a
computer onboard, Doctor.  Now, I need the results of your calculations,
so we can start buildin' the pumps that'll filter the growth liquid in
these tanks.

Bones gives Scotty a very skeptical look, and the scene switches to the
neighboring room, where Spock and Twiggy have huge blueprints laid out on 
a lab bench.  The blueprints look rather comical -- something like the
Coyote would draw up (on the old Roadrunner cartoons) as an apparatus for
capturing the Roadrunner.  As Spock slides this "cartoonish" blueprint
aside, however, we see a "real blueprint" underneath, containing a huge
number of mathematical equations and logic expressions, written over the
schematics for the new "computer brain".

Spock: Our new system will be capable of parallel processing huge amounts
of data better than the silicon-based systems I have worked with in the past.
This computer will also be more intelligent than simple binary computing
machines.  In fact, I foresee an entirely new technology arising from our
efforts.

Twiggy: I agree.  We are the vanguard of a whole new branch of artificial
intelligence.  One that uses living tissue technology instead of inorganic
matter.

Spock: Agreed.  It will be interesting to see what this first-generation
organic computer will surmise of us and our vessel.  I anticipate numerous
design advances, perhaps in the design of a second-generation brain which
will far surpass the first.

Scene switches to the bridge, where Uhura is listening in on the thoughts of
Silly Zonka.  At the moment, he appears to be quite bored with himself.

Zonka: The snow in this valley is perfect for snowcones.  Light and fluffy,
and ice-cold on the tongue.

Kirk: Uhura, patch me through, telepathically.

Uhura: You have an open channel, Captain.

Kirk: Zonka, could you please quiet down your mental chatter a little.  It's
driving us batty here on the Enterprise.

Zonka: What?  Who's that?  Captain Kirk?

Kirk: Yes, Uhura is acting as the go-between for us, telepathically.  Anyway,
can you keep it a little quieter?

Zonka: I CAN be a bit neurotic at times, Captain.  But I'll try to think only
relevant thoughts from now on.  By the way, Yodel headed out of here yesterday
afternoon, in search of allies to help him take over Arboria!

Kirk: Do you have any idea who might be his first intended ally?

Zonka: Well, my first guess would be some of the Trees, or maybe Pterosaurs.
Then there's the squirrels.  But Yodel knows much about the species on 
this planet, and there could be some, living in remote areas on Arboria,
that we don't even know exist.

Kirk: The Trees seem to be good guys, overall.  I can't believe that Yodel
could convince them to be "evil", especially since the Trees and Seaweeds
really control the world already.

Zonka: Agreed.  Oh... wait... here he comes!  I'll think with you later!

Dramatic music as we hear Yodel's voice (through the mental link with
Zonka), swearing and cussing up a storm because he's had no luck thus far
trying to recruit allies to his cause.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030221:
Spock and Twiggy have finalized the design on the new organic computer system.
With Bones' reluctant help, they have begun growing large masses of goopy
green-matter plant-brain tissue in the new tanks that Scotty and Bones
constructed.  In addition, Twiggy is working 24/7 on the remaining structure
of the computer.  Most of this work involves growing new parts of himself that
will interface with the aforementioned brain tissue, expected to be ready for
installation within several days.  Yodel again left his cave hideout to try
to recruit new allies to his cause, and we are listening in to try to keep
ahead of the situation.  Problem is, there are BILLIONS of species to listen
to through the ESP switchboard, so which ones should Uhura pick?

Scene opens on the bridge, where we hear Zonka muttering to himself on one
channel, and a whole bunch of squeaky, twittery chipmunk-like voices on 
another channel.  Uhura's eyes are shifting back and forth as she turns a
dial, switching from channel to channel in an effort to hear some dialogue
occurring with Yodel.  Kirk, Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty are also on the
bridge.

Kirk: We have to think about what sorts of species can even communicate with
Yodel.  For example, there's no use listening to the proplasmic whirrings of
protozoa.  And the squirrels are too good-hearted to be conned into something
diabolical.  In the meantime, Uhura, I think you should communicate with the
Trees and the Seaweeds, to let them know about Yodel and his plans.

Uhura: Yes, Captain.  I'll let several Trees and Seaweeds know what's happening,
and they'll spread the word.  I'll include Finkeltree on my list.

Sulu: Why not enlist Finkeltree's help in figuring this out, Cap'n?  He now
has Monolith-Power, and I bet he's already aware of what's going on.

Kirk: Excellent idea.  Uhura, please contact Finkeltree and patch me through.

Uhura pulls some jacks, inserts others (into the switchboard), turns a few
dials, and we suddenly hear the booming, complaining voice of Finkeltree.

Kirk: Finkelstein, you old Tree you!  How the heck are ya?

Finkelstein: Kirk!  James Tiberius Kirk!  I've been monitoring your progress,
and I'm impressed with your new organo-technology.  It's completely
non-polluting, and I can foresee a great future for it.

Kirk: Hey, are you aware that Yodel is trying to take over Arboria?

Finkelstein: Yes, I've been keeping an eye on him.  He's been trying to 
recruit others to his cause, but to no avail.  The Trees laughed at him
and smacked him with some smaller twigs and branches when he was dumb 
enough to even broach the subject with them.  But that Ring of Power...
WOW.  That's bad news...

Dark, drumbeat-style music...

Kirk: Do you know where the Ring is from, and what it represents?

Finkelstein: It has a self-warped polyhedral ESP shield on it.  Even I can't
divulge its true nature.  I just know it's creating huge ripples in ESP-space,
and it's just a matter of time before it brings more trouble here.  I'm
confident I can destroy any would-be invaders, but I don't like blowing up
whole armadas of starships for senseless reasons like war.  I'm working with
the Trees to set up an ESP jammer, to essentially shield this entire planet,
to prevent ESP waves from leaving Arboria.  We'll have our network here up
and running within a few days.  Then, the Ring's cries for help will go 
unheard by all but Yodel himself.

Kirk: Excellent news!  Wow, between you, us, the Trees, and the Seaweeds,
we'll keep Yodel bottled up like an angry green genie in a bottle!

Finkelstein: And don't forget about the Cacti either, Captain.  But you
haven't seen them yet.  Three thousand foot-tall saguaro cacti -- damn
impressive!

Kirk: Well, let's share info and stay in touch.  In the meantime, we've set
up our own ESP jamming field, around the Enterprise, to prevent Yodel from
entering again, unannounced.

Finkelstein: Good idea.  We'll talk to ya later.

Kirk: Kirk out.

Uhura: Communication terminated, Captain.  It's good to know that we're not
the only ones aware of what's happening.

Scene switches to Yodel's dark cave, deep underground.  A small campfire
is burning on the small rocky island at the center of the glass-smooth,
ice-cold lake inside the cave.  Zonka is sitting on a rock, holding a stick
above the fire.  Small white blobs at the end of the stick lead us to believe
that he might be toasting marshmallows.

Zonka: Zippety-doo-dah, Zippety-eeee-aaaaah... My oh my what a wonderful
daaaay... (he sees something glinting in the darkness)  Zippety... dooo...dah..
(he gets up and walks toward the glint) zippety...   Hmmmm, what's this?

Zonka bends over and picks up a small box, covered with brightly colored,
reflective foil.  He shakes the box, and it sounds like there are lots of
tiny, hard objects inside.  On the outside, we see a picture of a sailor,
drawn in blue, white, and silver, saluting.  The remainder of the box is
covered with drawings of some sort of caramelized confection.  

Zonka: Hey, I haven't seen a box of Jackercrack in years!!!!

He opens the box and pours what appears to be caramel-covered popcorn out
onto his hand.  He devours much of the box's contents, until he finds a small
packet inside.  Opening it, he removes a bright orange plastic ring from it.

Zonka: This prize is really cool! (he puts on the ring)

Ominous, dark music begins to play, and we hear demonic-sounding whispers
in the background, spoken in some ancient, long-forgotten tongue, while Zonka
gets a dazed, glazed look in his eyes...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030224:
We've just lost telepathic contact with Silly Zonka!  Uhura was listening in on him,
when Zonka began eating some sort of crunchy confectionary treat.  Then he said something
about finding "a prize inside the box".  What followed then was a series of dark whisperings
in a voice and language that we haven't yet been able to translate, followed by a 
cessation of ESP contact with Zonka.  Meanwhile, the growing of the computer brain tissue
is proceeding on schedule, and Twiggy has completed growing all of the required nerve
tissue, support networks, and "organic routers" which will patch Twiggy's information
nerve "backbone" into the new organic computer brains.  By tomorrow, we should be ready
to fire up the new system!

Scene opens on the bridge of the Enterprise, where Uhura is pulling and pushing
jacks in/out of her ESP switchboard with incredible speed, as she continues to try
to re-establish mental contact with Zonka.  Spock and Kirk are watching on, as Sulu
and Chekov sit at their respective consoles.  Bones has his head in his hands with
worry.

Uhura: I can't find him, Captain.  Either he somehow managed to change mental frequencies,
or some sort of shield now prevents contact.

Spock: I believe that Mr. Zonka is now wearing some form of jewelry similar to Master
Yodel's.  This is forming an ESP blocking shield around him, blocking all attempts to
communicate.

Kirk: So you think we have TWO rings to worry about?  And what do you make of those
dark whisperings we heard, just after Zonka said he found the prize in his box
of Jackercrack?

Spock: It could have been the signal output from a second ring, now worn by Zonka.
Whatever race invented the ring would probably be capable of translating it.  But
it doesn't match any language I'm familiar with.

Twiggy: Same here.  I'm familiar with nearly 78 languages, from all the peoples of what
was once the planet of Coruscant, and those mystical, ominous sounding words weren't
spoken in ANY of those languages.

Kirk: Do we even have recorders with this ESP system, to allow later analysis of what
was said?

Spock: Not yet, Captain.  But the organic brain storage capacity of our new computer
system WILL have such facilities.

Twiggy: Yes, it will be able to store all audio and video data gathered by any of the
crew, 24/7, over a span of two decades.

Bones: WOW, you mean that computer will be hearing all of our thoughts???  I thought there
was an ESP damping field inside this ship, that afforded us all "privacy of thought"???
I knew that blasted computer would find some way to--

Spock: Rest easy, Doctor.  This "recording of information", by the new computer brain,
would only be done for crew members positioned OUTSIDE of the ship's ESP shield -- for
example, during landing party missions on the planet below.

Sulu: That reminds me of another question.  How long will it be until we can continue our
research at ground level?  I haven't stood on solid ground now for WEEKS.

Kirk: We have to first assure that we're all safe from Yodel.  Inside this ship's ESP shield
is currently the only place where we KNOW we're safe, right Spock?

Spock: Correct, Captain.  With the completion of the new computer brain, however, we
will begin the design of personal ESP shields, roughly the size of a small headset, which
would allow each of us to venture outside the ship and have a minimum "repulsion radius",
within which Yodel would not be able to venture.

Chekov: We're working so hard to protect oureselves from Yodel, Keptin.  Wouldn't it just
be easier to capture and imprison Yodel, so that we and our vwessel would be safe from
him?  We wouldn't need ESP shields, then.

Bones: Nor would we need this new COMPUTER Spock and Twiggy are dreaming up!

Twiggy: But this new computer will have a whole host of uses, outside of dealing with Yodel,
Doctor McCoy.

Just then, Scotty walks onto the bridge, a toolset in hand.

Scotty: I just fixed the plumbin' in your quarters, Captain!

Sulu: What was wrong with the plumbing, Cap'n?

Scotty: Oh, Captain Kirk has always been a problem when it comes to the sewage system.
I can remember back on the original Enterprise, how many times he clogged up the toilet
drain in his own quarters with--

Kirk: THAT'S... enough, Scotty.  We get the picture...  That DOES remind me though,
anyone getting hungry for dinner?  And look at that sunset!

Everyone marvels at the gorgeous multi-colored sunset unfolding along the western
horizon.  Scene switches to just above the Enterprise.  There, we see Yodel flying,
as he remains just outside of the ESP shield.  He's carrying Zonka on his back, who is
holding his new orange plastic ring.

Yodel: Put on your ring now!

Zonka slips it on and becomes invisible.

Yodel: Sabotage their ship you must!  Bring Enteprise to an END we shall!  Now,
get to work!!!!

With that, Zonka lets go of Yodel, who then flies off to one side and into some clouds.
Though invisible, we see the deck shake suddenly, and we hear a loud "thud", as Zonka
lands on the top of the airhsip, on the front deck, near the Clubhouse.  There are lots
of "ouches" and groaning sounds, and then a shuffling, food-dragging sound, as Zonka
reaches the clubhouse and begins trying the various windows, searching for a way inside
the ship.

Scene switches back to the bridge.

Spock: I just realized that Zonka, probably under Yodel's evil influence, is NOT blocked
by our ESP shields, Captain.  He could penetrate the shields without our knowledge,
were he wearing his Ring of Power.

Kirk: Twiggy, can you tune the ESP shields to include both Yodel AND Zonka?

Twiggy: Within a minute, that will have been accomplished, Captain.  Zonka will not be
able to pass inward, through the shield, once I have completed this fine tuning.

Kirk: Excellent!  Now, how about some dinner, everyone?

Scene switches back to the clubhouse.  Dramatic music as one of the clubhouse doors
swings open, and we hear Zonka (still invisible) dragging himself inside.  He leaves
the door open, and then Twiggy sees what has happened.  Ultra-dramatic "Mission Impossible"
style music as Twiggy sounds the alert and begins firing tranquilizer darts inside the 
clubhouse, hoping to hit the invisible intruder.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030225:
We have an intruder onboard the Enterprise!  Even with our ESP shields
turned on, someone or something managed to open a window in the Clubhouse
and steal onboard.  Twiggy fired tranquilizer darts just as he caught
sight of the window swinging shut, but we're not sure if any of them
struck their target!

Scene opens on the bridge, where the "intruder alert" is still sounding,
voiced by Twiggy in a repetitive, urgent voice, his limbs clanging tiny
metal gongs around the ship to indicate that someone has breached their
defenses.  Everyone who was not previously on the bridge rushes to
the scene.

Kirk: Twiggy, deploy twig detection systems, all over the ship, NOW!

Camera flashes to various parts of the ship, where Twiggy suddenly
dangles millions of thin vines down from the ceilings to the floors,
so that anything moving through rooms or passageways will be "felt"
by Twiggy.

Twiggy: Intruder detected in lift, descending from top Clubhouse level.
Lift will reach Jeffries Tube "R" in five seconds.

Kirk: The moment the lift reaches that floor, jam the door until we
get there.

Twiggy: It is done, Captain.

Kirk: Chekov, Bones, Uhura, come with me.  Chekov, arm yourself.
Everyone else, stay here.

Uhura: Captain, I'm suddenly hearing all sorts of ESP "chatter".  It's
on the pterosaur channel.

Kirk: What???

Uhura: Listen, Captain...

She patches the sounds through the large grammophone speaker system.

Pterosaur: This is attack force Alpha.  We have the target in sight.
I repeat, we have the target in sight.

Kirk: Sulu, maximum altitude at maximum speed!  Chekov, man the ship's
main weapons!  Twiggy, contain the intruder as well as possible inside
the lift.  If it attempts to escape, fill that entire lift full of
tranquilizer darts!

Sulu: Now at maximum ascent angle of thirty degrees, Cap'n.  Speed
increasing to 80 knots.  Altitude climbing rapidly, now at 18,000 feet.

Everyone leans to one side as the Enterprise banks at thirty degrees,
racing upward into the sky to avoid an approaching flock of attacking
pterosaurs.

Chekov dives into his console chair and begins readying the ship's
weapons.  Spock, meanwhile, is staring through the bridge windows,
struggling to see the approaching attack force.

Sulu: Now at 20,000 feet, Captain.  The maximum flying altitude of
Pterosaurs is around 25,000 feet.  We should be above their range
within 45 seconds.

Wind is buffeting the ship, and everyone holds on tight as Bones
snaps his head around, bug-eyed with fear.

Bones: I bet Yodel organized this attack, occurring from multiple
fronts at the same time, to distract us!!!  This attack is already
massive, and it could be SPREADING!!!

Camera switches to show a group of twenty huge pterosaurs streaking
toward the Enterprise.  All of them are baring their fangs inside
their immense "beaks", their eyes glaring with rage.  Ahead of them,
the Enterprise is rapidly gaining altitude, and the pterosaurs are 
flapping their wings as hard as they can, unable to provide additional
lift in the thinning air at this altitude.  Scene switches back to the
bridge.  We hear further communications through the grammophone.

Pterosaur: They're climbing too high!  I repeat, now passing out of
our altitude attack range!  DAMN!  Master Yodel, what should we do next?

Kirk: Uhura, patch in to Yodel's frequency.  Maybe he's not wearing his
ring at the moment.

Uhura fiddles with the switchboard cables, and then we hear the crackly,
sneery voice of Yodel.

Yodel: Too good at responding to our attacks they are!  Remain in a
holding pattern, until I offer further instructions.  Attack force B
is in position.  If this attack is successful, the Enterprise will soon
be falling from the sky.  As it passed into range, attack and destroy
the vessel!

Kirk: Attack Force B???

Twiggy: Captain, Silly Zonka is in the lift.  He has just removed
his ring, and...

Kirk: Yes?

Twiggy: Captain, he has a bomb!  Strapped onto his back!!!  But 
it appears to be malfunctioning.  He is attempting to rewire the
circuitry inside it.  That's why he had to remove his ring -- to see
what he's doing!

Kirk: Open the lift door and sedate him, IMMEDIATELY!  Use a warhead
if you need to!!!

Bones: CHIM!!!

Kirk: Better to have one small warhead go off than to have the main
bomb detonate.

Sulu: Now at 26,000 feet, Cap'n.  We're above the Pterosaurs...

Scene switches to the interior of the ship, where the lift door suddenly
slides open, and HUNDREDS of tranq darts fire, dozens of them immediately
striking Zonka.  He immediately becomes lethargic, dropping to his knees,
his head swaying from side to side as his rewiring efforts slow...

Twiggy: Zonka is being sedated, Captain.  But he may still complete
the rewiring before he falls asleep.  It looks like he only has one
wire to go!

Twiggy, thinking quickly, slams shut the lift door and sends it zooming
to the top level, so quickly that it punches a hole right through the 
top of the elevator shaft.  The entire lift "rockets" from the top of
the Enterprise, clearing the vessel within seconds.

Scene switches to the inside of the lift, now filled with cold, swirling
air, the elevator now tumbling through the sky, Zonka inside, flopping
around, with a closeup camera view showing him about to join two last
wires together...  Camera zooms in on Zonka's quivering, crazed eyes,
red around the edges, watering, twitching.  Suddenly, we hear a loud
"thud" on the outside of the lift, followed by the muffled screams of
Yodel.

Yodel: ABORT attack!  ABORT!

Just then, we see two wires touch each other, and the entire scene
flashes brilliantly.  Exterior view shows the elevator explode, and
Yodel is thrown clear in the explosion, as black, smoking shrapnel flies
in all directions.  Yodel is now unconscious, his left leg smoldering
as he plummets toward the snowy landscape below.  Scene switches to the
bridge.

Kirk: Good work, Twiggy!  You saved us all!

They're all watching the remnants of the explosion, moving rapidly
behind them in their full-speed forward velocity.

Bones: Zonka's DEAD, CHIM!!!!

Spock: Master Yodel may very well be alive, Captain.  He is falling
and should soft land in a snow drift.

Kirk: Sulu, follow Yodel down.  We should be able to take him prisoner
onboard the Enterprise.  Chekov, prepare to fire all weapons.  Those
pterosaurs will probably be waiting on us as we descend...

Sulu: Aye, Cap'n.  

Everyone glances nervously at each other, surprised at Kirk's bold move.
Uhura turns up the speaker volume again.

Kirk: Patch me through to the pterosaurs.

Uhura: Yes sir...

Kirk: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Airship Enterprise.  If you
attack, we will blow you out of the sky.  Come within a thousand yards
of us, and we'll shred you to ribbons.  Now, MOVE OFF!

Pterosaur: We'll see you again, Kirk... ANOTHER DAY!!!!

Exterior view shows the large pack of pterosaurs veering off.  Next
view shows the Enterprise descending rapidly, punching through a low
cloud layer.  Dramatic music as the camera focuses on Yodel, still
unconscious, tumbling, his leg burnt black and still smoldering
as he free-falls toward a tall, soft snow drift in the valley below.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030226:
We've survived a coordinated attack between Yodel, the
pterosaurs, and Zonka, though Scotty will have to replace one
of the lifts onboard the Enterprise.  Silly Zonka is dead,
after acting as a suicide bomber and exploding a bomb that he
had brought onboard the Enterprise.  He was acting under orders
from Yodel, as were the pterosaurs.  We are currently hovering
just above a huge snow drift, into which Yodel fell after he
was nearly blown to smithereens when the lift (containing
Zonka) exploded.  I don't know where we went wrong with Zonka.
The Galaxy's most revered snowcone maker is no more...

Scene opens in the valley that the Enterprise has been exploring.
A heavy snow is falling quietly as the Enterprise's huge 
propellers hum softly overhead.  The ship is about a hundred
feet above a tall snow drift, in which we see a small dark hole,
obviously the place where Yodel fell.  Bones and Spock are
being lowered in a small basket, at the end of a cable being
winched down from the Enterprise's shuttlecraft hangar.  Soon
the basket reaches the snow drift, and Spock digs through
the snow.  Within a half minute or so, he reaches down into
the hole and drags a pale-green, unconscious Yodel to the
surface.  Both Spock and Bones lift him into the basket, which
then begins its ascent.  Scene switches to the hangar bay,
into which the basket is raised.  The hangar bay doors crank
shut, and Bones and Spock dust the snow from themselves before
carrying Yodel toward sick bay.  Chekov accompanies them there,
a tranq dart gun in hand, in case Yodel acts up.  They lay him
on the table in sick bay, and Bones begins to check his vitals.
Kirk steps into sick bay to watch on...

Bones: His heartbeat is very faint, Chim!  And his breathing is
shallow.  We need to get some blankets on him...

Kirk: Put him under restraint, too, and check to see if he
has that Ring of Power on him anywhere.

Chekov frisks the unconscious Yodel and soon finds a bright
metal ring in one of Yodel's pockets.  Chekov hands it over to
Kirk, who turns it around in his hands, noting its weight,
its smoothness.  Chekov fastens restraints around Yodel's wrists
and ankles, as Bones whips up a tonic and Kirk tucks a thick,
white blanket under Yodel's chin.

Chekov: In some ways, Keptin, it might hev been better for him
to have blown up with Zonka.

Bones: Chekov, how can you SAY a thing like that?  He's the
Jet-Eye Grandmaster, for Chrissakes!

Kirk: But we've exposed him to really be a bad guy, not a good
guy, Bones.

Bones: AND he's under the influence of that stupid RING, too!
(speaking emphatically as he pours one bizarrely-colored liquid
into another while concocting the tonic for Yodel)

Twiggy: Sulu is awaiting your orders, Captain, on whether we
should regain altitude.

Kirk: Yes.  Ascend to 15,000 feet.  Chekov, I need you back on
the bridge, in case the pterosaurs decide to attack again.  I'll
take that tranq dart gun from you, though, in case Yodel flips
his gourd again...

Chekov: Yes, Keptin (handing the pistol to Kirk). 

Chekov leaves sick bay, and an external view shows the Enterprise
climbing high into the sky.  Camera flashes to the bridge, where
Uhura is listening in on the pterosaurs.

Uhura: They must know that I can listen in on them.  They're
whispering so quietly now that I can hardly hear them.  But it
DOES sound like they're licking their wounds and wondering what
to do next.

Sulu: Well, I'm sure Chekov would LOVE the chance to blow a
few of 'em outta the sky, wouldn't you, Pavel?

Chekov: In a way, YES.  They think THEY rule the skies, when it's
obvious that WE are the superior sky-dwellers.  Plus, they want
to destroy our vwessel because they're jealous of us.

Twiggy: Brain tissue growth now complete.  Awaiting final 
instructions on beginning information upload into new brain
tissue...

Spock steps onto the bridge just long enough to hear Twiggy's
words, broadcoast ship-wide, whereupon he heads off to his science
lab, where the huge "blobs" of floating brain tissue are
glowing an ominous shade of yellow-green.  

Spock: Twiggy, begin information upload, including all of your
memories, as well as mine, that I recently uploaded to you, over
the past week.

Twiggy: Now commencing information upload, Mr. Spock.

Closeup view shows the huge, gelatinous brains pulsing and
humming with energy as they receive an incredible amount of
information very quickly.

Scene switches to sick bay, where Bones is pouring one hot, bubbly
liquid into a beaker containing another.  The mixture fizzes
loudly, and a puff of pink smoke emerges from the top of the
beaker.

Bones: There!  It's ready for Yodel to drink!

Scotty enters sick bay.

Scotty: I just finished buildin' and installin' a new elevator,
Captain Kirk!  She's as good as new!

Kirk: Excellent work, Mr. Scott.  It looks like Yodel will be
coming around soon.  By the way, I think we all really liked
Zonka.  He could be pretty silly sometimes, but, DAMN, he made
a good snowcone.  In a couple of hours, how about we have a little
memorial service for him, in the Clubhouse?  I'd appreciate it if
you'd play the pipes after I say a few words.

Scotty: I'd be honored, Captain.  I'm sad that Zonka is gone.
Some kinda evil force took him over and made him do what he did.
Thank God Twiggy acted as fast as he did, or we might all be dead!

Kirk: Twiggy, you've become one of the most valuable members of
this crew.  I think I speak for all of us when I say that you're
as much a part of this crew as any of us, even me.

Twiggy: Thank you, Captain.  I'm flattered.  Information upload
complete, Mr. Spock.  The brain is now beginning to process data
on its own.

Spock: Strange, I thought it would take some time, with us 
coaching it along for a period of weeks, until it could exhibit
coherent, autonomous thought.

Bones: That thing's runnin' outta control, SPOCK!  You mark my
words -- in a matter of a few hours, it'll be trying to take over
this whole SHIP!!!

Dramatic music as Yodel moans and slowly opens his eyes, whereupon
Bones pours the tonic between his green, wrinkled lips.  Very
loud rendition of the Anvil Hammer Chorus, as the scene switches
to the science lab, where the two huge brains are busily thinking
up a storm, causing electrical bolts to arc between them.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030227:
Minor repairs to the Enterprise, after the attack, have been completed.
Yodel is slowly coming 'round in sick bay, but he's under heavy restraint,
to prevent him from pulling any of his usual monkeyshines.  I have placed
the Ring of Power on my left pinky finger for safe keeping.  It's amazing how
BEAUTIFUL this ring is... how it sparkles, dances in the light!  I might just
keep it for myself!  In the meantime, the computer brains are exhibiting
autonomous thought, which has Bones in an uproar.  He's worried that the brains
will take over the Enterprise.  He can be so paranoid sometimes...

Scene opens in the science lab, where Kirk, Spock, Bones, and Scotty watch
on, as the huge gelatinous yellow-green, glowing brains (two of them, each
in a separate growth tank) pulse with life and exchange small bolts of bright
green electricity.

Twiggy: I have inserted probes into the solution, whereby I can measure
salinity, pH, voltage, current, and perform some of my own crude chemical
analyses.  At this time, the brains appear to be conversing between themselves,
sharing huge amounts of data, and gaining intelligence in leaps and bounds.
The chemical composition of the growth solution is also changing.  It appears
that the brains themselves are purposely synthesizing new proteins, which they
are releasing into the tank.  Almost as though they're preparing a new kind
of growth solution.

Bones: A new growth solution???  For what purpose?  They've already grown
to full size!  Any bigger, and they'll overflow their tanks and spill their
goopy, protoplasmic bodies onto the floor!!!

Spock: I can now see what appears to be a new growth, on the side of this
particular brain organism, Captain.

Everyone walks to Spock's side.  Through the tank walls, a radiant, emerald-
green blob of brain tissue is attached to the much larger yellow-green parent
brain.

Bones: What in the blazes is THAT???

Twiggy: I am just now learning to establish communication with the two brains,
through the data bus that was set up before the brains were grown.  Evidently,
both brains have already designed a much more powerful, far more intelligent,
overall highly superior second generation brain, which will soon replace
both of them.

Kirk: See Bones, you were so worried about these two brains, and they'll soon
be gone anyway, replaced by this cute little green brain!

Bones flattens up against the tank wall, his nose pressed against the glass,
his eyes bugged out and twitching as he watches the new green brain continue
to grow.  It's now about the size of a grapefruit.

Bones: THEN what, Chim???  We knew that these two brains couldn't take over
the ship or harm us, or at least that's what SPOCK said...  But what about
this NEW brain???  Especially if it's much smarter and more powerful!

Twiggy: From what I know of organic brain design, the two brains we already
grew are what one would call a multi-dimensional mind -- containing intellect,
memory, as well as emotion.  Because these brains are meant to be only
computers, but were not meant to have emotion, this new brain is being grown.
The new brain is the perfection of pure cogitative brain technology, with no
emotion, and therefore, no "will" to do harm or good.  It will be more of a
"pure computer" than what we already have.  The density and "wiring" of its
neurons will also enable it to blow the proverbial doors off these other
two brains.

Scotty: I bet this new brain will be to the old brains what warp drive is to
chemically-fueled rocket thrusters!

Spock: Or what a Cybersimmons BeautyThink Gargantubrain 5000 is to an 
Intel Pentium 4.

Bones: Well, I'll believe all this when I SEE it... I just think we're 
beggin' for trouble with this new brain.  And what's to say these first two
brains will agree to give up all their power to this new brain???  This is
an awfully big gamble, Chim!

Twiggy: Within several hours, Doctor, the transition will be complete.  The
old brains will, in essence, die, their neuronic material dissolving into
these tanks.  In addition, it appears that this new brain will not require
a large tank in which to exist.  A hard exterior will develop, and it will
receive water and nutrients much as I do.

Kirk: Great, then we can free up this science lab again, once we dismantle
these tanks.

Bones: Chim, what are doing wearing the Ring of Power??? (nervous look on his
face)

Kirk: Oh, I'm just keeping it safe until we decide what to do with it.

Bones: Chim, that Ring has MASSIVE power, and it could be SPREADING, through
your mind, gaining control of you!  Look what happened to Zonka, the second
he put on one of those rings!!!

Kirk: Bones, I'm not going to go the route of Zonka...

Bones: OR Yodel???

Kirk: Or Yodel...  But look at it SPARKLE... Like a...a... PRECIOUS... diamond!

Spock: Captain, might I warn you that the word "Precious", where these Rings
of Power are concerned, appears to indicate an increasing addiction to the 
ring's effects, on the part of the wearer?

Scotty: That ring's gotta be destroyed, Captain Kirk!!!  Who knows what it'll
do to ya!  Then we'll all be lost, lost forever in its dark grip of evil!!!

Dramatic music as sweat beads on Kirk's forehead and he shifts his eyes
nervously, defensively, from one crewmate to another, as he rubs the ring,
enjoying its warmth, its smoothness, its flawlessness...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030228:
Everyone is jealous of my Ring!  I've only had it for one lousy day, and
Bones, Scotty, and the rest of the crew are already screaming for me to
take it off!  I'm wearing it on my pinky finger, just so I don't turn
invisible.  It's the only finger you can wear the ring on and NOT turn
invisible.  I'm doing that (remaining visible) as a show of good faith --
that I'm not turning into another Yodel.  Meanwhile, Yodel has regained
consciousness and is demanding the Ring back.  And the second-generation
green brain has already given way to a THIRD generation of brains --
THREE of them!  We're currently in the science lab to check out the 
situation...

Scene opens in the science lab, where an unshaven, tousled-haired,
greasy-faced Kirk (still wearing the Ring of Power) is standing beside
a new dome-shaped tank (about four feet in diameter) in the middle of
the lab.  This tank if not filled with fluid.  Instead, three
tiny pedestals are spaced evenly about the inside of the tank (which
stands on a solid base about two feet high), each topped with a pulsing
glowing "brain" about eight inches in diameter.  The brains are colored
red, yellow, and green, respectively.  The huge, ungainly tanks used
to grow the first-generation brains have already been removed.

Twiggy: This brain evolution has culminated in these three brains, Captain.
They have designed themselves as H00E, L00E, and D00E.

Bones: THREE brains????  THREE!!!!!  Chim, this is ASKING for trouble!

Kirk: Hang on Bones... Take it easy.  Twiggy, why THREE brains?

Twiggy: They process data in parallel, as well as "poll" each other on
answers that all three have arrived at.  This "polling" is something they
term "wagering".  It occurs at a rate of millions of wagers per second.
They can receive data through all of my sensors, but they cannot 
control any outside instrumentality with their power.  So rest easy,
Doctor McCoy.

Scotty: What do they wager, Mr. Twiggy?

Twiggy: Fictitious units of "informational energy".  Something they
call "quatloons".  If I can listen in on their wagering, and slow down
the process when I replay it, you can listen in...

H00E: Twenty quatloons that Yodel will pose no harm to this vessel!

D00E: Fifteen quatloons that Yodel will become dangerous if and when
he regains the Ring of Power!

L00E: Five quatloons that Kirk will exhibit nonlinear behavior as a 
result of wearing the Ring of Power!

All three brains speak in high-strung male voices...

Twiggy: All of this, of course, took place in a billionth of a second.
They are VERY fast thinkers.

Kirk: Ya know, if you changed each "zero" in their names to an "O",
you could imagine pronouncing "H00E" as "Who-ee".  And "D00E" as "Doo-ee".

Bones: And "Loo-ee".

Scotty: How about "Huey" instead of "Who-ee"?  That way, we'd have
Huey, Louie, and Dewey!

Kirk: Excellent work, Mr. Scott!  Huey, Louie, and Dewey, they are!

As everyone laughs, Bones lunges at Kirk, grabbing his hand and quickly
removing the Ring of Power.  Kirk is knocked over in the process, and
Bones then steps back, holding, but not putting on the ring.

Kirk: What the devil was that for, Bones?  Give me back my precious ring!!!

Bones: NO, Chim!  And you can call that disobeying orders if you'd like!
But I'm NOT going to see you turn into another green, shriveled servant
of evil, like Yodel!!!  Not while I'M ship's DOCtor!!!

Sweat pours down Kirk's face, and soon his face begins to soften, his
breathing slowing down as he calms.

Kirk: It's just hard, REALLY hard to give that thing up.

Bones: You're already coming out of it, Chim!  You had the Ring only
a short while, so it didn't yet turn you completely bad on us. (grinning)

Kirk: Thanks, Bones... I needed that.

Twiggy: You HAVE to hear the current wagering that's going on!

Huey: Thirty quatloons that Kirk is worried we'll become like the 
leaders of the planet Triskellion.

Dewey: Ten quatloons that Kirk wouldn't mind such a turn of events, 
if he could have Shahna back as his "Thrall" drill instructor.

Louie: Eighteen quatloons that Chekov is praying that he doesn't have
the same woman he had on Triskellion as HIS drill instructor.

Bones: Chim, are they going to enslave us, then turn us into gladiators
to battle each other to our deaths, to AMUSE them??? (eyes twitching)
I don't THINK so!  But we first need to find a way to destroy this
ring.  SPOCK, get useful around here... analyze this Ring's composition
and tell us what we need to do to destroy it.

Spock takes the Ring from Bones' hand and turns it thoughtfully between
his fingers.

Spock: It appears to be composed of a strange alloy of plastics,
resins, and polymers, and perhaps... SUGAR.

Bones: SUGAR??? That's CRAZY, SPOCK!  That means it should dissolve in
water!

Spock: The gloss on the Ring's exterior connotes polysaccharides within
its molecular structure.  But the Ring does not behave as though
it's a piece of confectionary fluff, Doctor.  Because of its sturdy
composition, I would suggest high heat as a means of incineration.

Scotty: How MUCH heat, Mr. Spock???

Spock: I would suggest that, if we can find a volcano on Arboria, that
would be the ideal place to cast it to its own doom.

Dramatic music as we hear the distant screams and moans of Yodel, who
has become aware of their plans to destroy the Ring.  Continued dramatic
music as everyone walks from the science lab into sick bay, where Yodel
is straining at his bonds, huge sores on his face.  Dramatic drum-beat
music as Yodel throws up a huge green splash of vomit onto Bones'
shirt, only to have his head spin a full 360 degrees as he hisses and
shouts to have the Ring back.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030302:
I had only become slightly addicted to the Ring of Power before Bones wisely
snatched it away from me.  We've locked it in a box, for safekeeping, on
the bridge, where at least several crew members are always present.  These
crew members would then overpower any one person who might try to abscond 
with the Ring to their own quarters.  The Ring is higly addictive,
producing intense feelings of great power and pleasure on the part
of the wearer.  Every hour, Spock removes the Ring and shows it to everyone 
present, ensuring that the Ring is not in any one person's possession.  We'll
do this until we can find a volcano in which to destroy the Ring.  At the 
same time, Yodel is still in intense withdrawal from not having the Ring on 
his finger.  Spock, noting his own cultural traditions, as well as the rest 
of the crew's, has decided that an Exorcism Rite is in order, to purge Yodel 
of his obsession.

Scene opens in sick bay.  Spock is dressed in a black robe, a deep, sharply-
peaked hood drawn over his head.  A bucket of water stands at his feet,
with a metal, microphone-shaped object (the microphone "screen" at
the bottom of the bucket) jutting from the bucket.  Kirk, Bones, Scotty, and 
Uhura are standing at 90 degree intervals around Yodel, who is still tied 
securely to his bed.  Yodel is barely conscious, his eyes narrowed into 
slits, his face and arms still covered with huge, oozing sores.

Spock: This might produce some alarming reactions from Yodel.  But it
must be done.

Bones: I have the final say on what can or can't be done to a patient in
this sick bay, SPOCK!  I reserve the right to halt this dark ceremony at
any point.  Right, Chim?

Kirk: I don't want Yodel to die, Bones, if that's what you mean.  But Spock
will hopefully be able to purge Yodel of his obsession.

Spock: Uhura, you must keep your mind and your ESP powers focused on Yodel
at all times.  If you sense any other presence there, other than Yodel
himself, you must reveal those thoughts to us.

Uhura: I understand.

Spock: I call upon Master Yodel, now, to speak with me!

Yodel begins hissing, gurgling, straining against his restraints.  Several
objects around the lab benches in sick bay begin to rattle and move about
the surfaces.  Kirk looks very worried when he witnesses Yodel's telekinetic 
powers.

Spock: I call upon Yodel to show himself!  Now!!!

Yodel: Noooo!  (his voice sounds very deep and guttural, with the harmonics
of several distinct voices becoming audible)  He is our prisoner and we will
not loose his tongue!

Spock reaches down and grabs the object inside the bucket.  He removes it,
and we see water dripping from its many tiny holes.  Spock snaps the object 
away from himself, toward Yodel.  Numerous spritzes of water fly toward 
Yodel.

Spock: May this water purify Yodel of all other consciousness, and allow
him to speak to me now!

The water strikes Yodel, instantly sizzling and boiling away as steam.
Yodel writhes in agony, his face wincing, pinching like a huge green prune
as he shouts and yells in his multi-harmonic demon-voice.

Yodel: It burns!  It BUUUUUURRRRNSSSS!!!

Yodel's head spins around again, in a full 360 degrees, emitting a loud
bone-on-bone clicking sound as it does so.

Spock: May the powers of goodness compel you!

He flicks more water at Yodel, who continues to scream and writhe in agony,
the sores on his body oozing and producing a foul stench, causing Scotty
to pinch his nose.

Uhura: I feel your presence!  What is your name???

Yodel: Our name is... is... Rejek!!!  Rejek, Rejek, REJEK!!!!

Uhura: They are ancient spirits, from before Coruscant!  They were imprisoned
inside the giant metal structures, long ago.  With the return of Arboria,
they were released!

Yodel: Yeeeeessss... we were released!  (howling, growling noises)

Yodel's bed begins rattling, bucking up and down on the floor, shaking,
rolling side to side.

Spock: Elemental spirits, you must flee this body.  Return to the soil from
whence you came, and find another true form!  May the powers of goodness
compel you!

Objects begin flying around sick bay, and the entire ship begins rocking.
Jars are smashing on the floor, medicinal powders flying through the air
like handfuls of bleached flour.  Everyone remains focused on Yodel.

Yodel: We found this body through the sweet seduction of the Ring.  THE 
RIIIIIING!!!!

Spock: Begone from him!  Free Yodel!

With a loud roar, and a crescendo of dramatic music, Yodel's eyes turn
from a milky, glowing blue color back to his "original eyes".  His growling
subsides, and now we hear his own voice beneath his labored breathing.
Loud voices, heckling, groaning, shrieking, swirl about sick bay.

Spock: Captain, these spirits are proceeding to inhabit the Enterprise!
They could very well take control of this vessel!

Dramatic music as howling laughter is heard, throughout the ship, in the
many sinister, guttural tones of the Demons Rejek, while the Enterprise
rocks nearly out of control, the propellers spinning at varying speeds,
rising, falling chaotically in pitch, as Twiggy's vines flail around
wildly, struggling to fight these evil forces which are proceeding to 
"possess" the Enterprise.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030303:
The Enterprise is possessed by evil demons from God knows where!  The
ship is lurching about, the engines malfunctioning spontaneously, only
to function correctly again for a while.  I'm worried that the ship's
weapons might not aim and fire if we're attacked again by the  pterosaurs!  
And I'm wondering now if we've played straight into the hands of the forces
of evil, by exorcising Yodel of his demons.  And now I just remembered about
Twiggy, as well as Huey, Louie, and Dewey.  Will the demons possess them and
cause them to purposely destroy us and our ship?  We're scrambling for
answers, and quickly, while deep, unnerving demon voices, telling us
of our imminent demise, are shouting throughout the ship...

Scene opens on the bridge, where Sulu is struggling with the helm.  Chekov
is readying ship's weapons, though he's not sure if they'll even work or
not.  Spock is standing at his science station.  He's staring off into
space, as though lost deeply in thought.

Sulu: Captain, forward speed increasing to 100 knots.  Altitude also
increasing at 1,000 feet per minute.  We're coming about...

Kirk: Fight against any actions initiated by Rejek!

Spock: Captain, I believe that these "Demons of Rejek" might be the same
malevolent intelligence that we encountered long ago, when they attempted
to secure control of the Starship Enterprise.

Scotty: Ayeeee!!!  That's the entity that possessed me and made me kill
those beautiful women!  Oh whatta we DO, Captain Kirk???

Throughout the ship, we hear demonic laughs, then screams of "Rejek,
Rejek, Rejek!!!"

Spock: We must prevent the ship's computers from becoming infected.  Twiggy,
I want you, Huey, Louie, and Dewey to compute to the last digit the value
of PI.

Twiggy: Now initiating computations...  All three brains now fully occupied
with this task.

Rejek: No!  No!!!!  Nooooooooo!!!!!

Spock: It appears that we pre-empted Rejek's efforts to take over the ship's
computers, Captain.

Scene flashes to sick bay, where Yodel is regaining consciousness, the huge
oozing sores on his body having closed up, their healing accelerated by 
Yodel's powers.

Bones: Your healing rate is AMAZING, Yodel!

Yodel: I had been deceived... so deceived, Doctor.

Bones: What do you mean???

Uhura: I think he's talking about the Ring of Power, Doctor.

Yodel: Yes.  YES!!!!  I was exploring a new cave we had just found.  The
cave with the lake, the island.  I found a box of Jackercrack!  At first,
my apprentice, the now-late Silly Zonka, suggested that we SHARE this
Jackercrack.  I, on the other hand, realizing the high sugar content of
this famous junk food, knew that this could be an attempt of the Dark Side
to infiltrate the Jet-Eye!

Bones: So you didn't eat the Jackercrack, but you were still overtaken by
evil?

Yodel: Yes, by the ring, the prize inside!  It was so alluringly beautiful,
that I was stupid enough to put it on my finger.  Only later, as I slipped
under its spell, did I realize that the Ring of Power contains SUGAR!  In
fact, it is the most densely condensed confection I have ever encountered.
Wearing it produces the euphoria of drinking fifty large pitchers of 
over-sweetened strawberry koolaid, each and every SECOND!!!

Uhura: So, you mean, you really didn't have that ring for hundreds of years?
Just for days, or weeks?

Yodel: Deceived I was, by The Ring of Power, Uhura!  It led me believe that I 
had lived a long life with its help.  That I could not survive without it!
This is the way of all sugary substances!  You are led to believe that you 
cannot enjoy life, even SURVIVE, without them!

Bones: So, you're really a GOOD GUY AFTER ALL???

Yodel: Afraid so, I am, Doctor.  And now... (face becoming serious, then
appearing to be filled with anger)  now, a SCORE to settle do I have!!!

Bones and Uhura unstrap Yodel from his bed, and the Jet-Eye Master stands up
slowly, groaning with pain as he does so.  Bones hands him a walking stick,
and Yodel begins hobbling toward the bridge, Bones and Uhura following one
step behind.  As they enter the bridge, Kirk jumps in with surprise.

Kirk: Chekov, Yodel got loose!!!

Just as Chekov begins to reach for a pistol, Bones puts his hand on his 
shoulder and urges him gently back into his seat.

Bones: He's okay, Chekov.  The Ring's influence over him is gone.

Twiggy: Captain, Pterosaurs are closing rapidly from the north!  We have
now leveled off at 12,000 feet, their optimal flight altitude for attack
speed!  We are, as the saying goes, sitting ducks!

Kirk: Ready all warhead guns, Chekov!

Chekov: Weapons systems are offline, Keptin!!!

The demonic laughter of Rejek reverberates through the huge airship.

Rejek: Hahahahahaha!!!  You will be sliced to ribbons!  Your entrails will
be fed to pterosaur nestlings!  Hahahahahaha!!!  Your ship will be destroyed!
Poor, poor weak Enterprise!!!

Yodel raises his gnarled green arms.  His eyes widen, as he lowers his
head, staring through his huge eyes, along the edge of his own brow (to
give him a look of grim determination).

Yodel: All spirits of Rejek, I give you this one command.  Only once shall
it be issued, lest I destroy your life essence completely.

Rejek: Hahahahahaaaa!  Destroy us, you cannot (imitating Yodel's voice)!!!

Kirk: Man, these demons are pretty damn obnoxious...

Spock: (raising his brow) Indeed, Captain.  But they are also very, very
sweet...

Everyone turns to Spock, even Yodel, who suddenly smiles and nods slowly.

Kirk: Spock!  Explain!!!

Spock: The saccharides, or sugary compounds, inside the Enterpise's
construction, serves as a generator for Rejek's power, Captain.

Yodel: Sweetness begets sweetness... Evil begets evil...

Twiggy: Captain, what if we attempted to make this whole ship... SOUR,
not sweet?

Kirk: How would we do that?

Sulu: Pterosaurs closing rapidly, Captain.  Distance is now three miles.
Estimated impact in 1.5 minutes!

Twiggy: Let's permit those three powerful brains figure it out!

Spock: Yes, Captain, that's the answer!

Twiggy: I have instructed the three brains to cease computing the value of PI.
They are now working on the problem at hand.

Kirk: If there is any one PART of the ship that you should purge FIRST of
the demons, make it the ship's weapons!  I need Chekov to defend this
ship!

Switch to the science lab, where the three brains are humming loudly, their
bodies pulsing, growing brighter by the second.  Soon, they grow dimmer
again.  Switch back to the bridge.

Twiggy: They have the answer.  Now initiating chemical processes prescribed
by Huey, Louie, and Dewey in all vines, roots, and leaves!

Everyone suddenly notices a sickeningly sour scent in the air.  It causes
the crew to wince, all except for Yodel, who is relishing the absence of
any sweetness.  Again, he spreads out his gnarled green limbs.  He closes
his eyes, his face relaxing, becoming serene.

Sulu: Pterosaurs now at 2 miles, Captain!

Chekov: Ship's weapons still offline, Keptin!

Rejek: No... NO!!!!  What are you doing?  Stop it!  STOP!  I can feel it!!!

Kirk: This whole SHIP is getting sour!

Bones: Chim, it looks like it might be working!  Keep it up, Twiggy!
Turn this ship into one big sour lemon if you have to!!!

Sulu: Pterosaurs at 1 mile!  Now splitting into attack formation!

Ahead, the pterosaurs can be seen breaking from their delta formation,
rolling over onto their backs as they head into steep dives, straight for
the Enterprise, their wings folded back slightly for added speed.

Chekov: Weapons are now responding to my command, Keptin!!!

Kirk: Aim and fire at will, Chekov!!!

Just then, Yodel begins to hum, and a gentle smile appears on his face.
In the background, the many voices of Rejek are shouting, screaming, 
obviously in great distress.

Exterior view shows the gun turrets on the Enterprise's starboard side,
as well as the bow and stern, swing toward the Pterosaurs.  All guns
immediately fire a HAIL of warheads.  The lead pterosaur takes a hit, 
mid-chest, its entire body exploding, both wings tearing to shreds amid
a massive red cloud of misted blood.  Other warheads strike their targets.
Two more huge flying reptiles are fatally stricken.  At the last moment,
the other pterosaurs panic and disperse in all directions, quick to avoid
the Enterprise's deadly fire.  Scene switches back to the bridge.

Kirk: You DID it, Chekov!  It worked!

Sulu: Pterosaurs now in full retreat, Cap'n!

Kirk: Cease all fire.  But keep weapons on standby.

Chekov releases the gun triggers, and then everyone once again looks to
Yodel, still humming, his green face almost seeming to glow.  Then he
opens his mouth and sucks in a deep breath.

Yodel: SPIRITS, COME OOOOOUT!!!! (using the accent of a southern-style
holy-roller preacher exorcising someone of the devil)

A bright pulse of green energy explodes outward from Yodel, moving through
everyone and everything on the bridge.  Exterior view shows the mental-energy
shockwave as it expandes to encompass the entire ship.  Scene switches back
to the bridge, where Yodel has collapsed in exhaustion.

Bones: Let's get him to sick bay, Uhura!

Spock: The spirits of Rejek have been purged from the Enterprise, Captain.

Kirk: Excellent work, everyone.

Bones and Uhura help Yodel from the bridge, back to sick bay.

Sulu: Helm control restored, Cap'n!  Now retuning engines to normal 
cruising speed.  Returning to original heading and altitude.

Spock: Twiggy, I advise you to discontinue your "souring process".  The
acids produced by this reaction will soon weaken this vessel's framework.

Twiggy: I am ceasing all chemical processes.  Within five minutes, all acids
will have been neutralized, Mister Spock.

Everyone is now breathing a major sigh of relief.

Twiggy: I might add that Huey, Louie, and Dewey helped save this ship,
Captain.  But they have also formulated an entirely new science.

Spock: Please explain, Twiggy.

Twiggy: The three of them, in addition to figuring out how to affect quick
chemical changes throughout this ship, have deduced a new technology of
creating strong, instantly deformable structures, composed of proteins
whose characteristics can be altered very quickly.  They can be changed
from mush-softness to diamond-hardness.  This could be a technological
breakthrough beyond the combined science of all the engineers of our
former world, Coruscant.

Dramatic music as Spock high-fives one of Twiggy's largest leaves, in 
an apparent show of emotion.  Continued dramatic music as Scotty runs over
ahd high-fives Spock, then Twiggy, in this apparent conjunction of 
scientific/engineering minds.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030304:
The Enterprise is safe!  Yodel is recovering from his demonic possession
by the collective group of "sugar demons" known as Rejek.  Rejek was
exorcised from the Enterprise, and Uhura has retuned the ship's ESP shields
to prevent these demons from re-entering our vessel.  Yodel, meanwhile,
has been REMOVED from the ESP shielding, since he is free of demonic
influence.  Meanwhile, we still have the ring to dispose of, as well as to
allow the three brains (now to be called "Twiggy's Brains") to continue
the development of the new technology recently hinted at by Twiggy.  If this
technology can be developed, our vessel could become the envy of the GALAXY,
not just of Arboria.  Lastly, we have set a course for the Treehouse, where
we plan to take on fresh supplies, including more food and a refill of acorns
to fuel the ship's engines and power systems.

Scene opens on the bridge, where Spock is gazing through his sensor scope,
keeping tabs on the "goings-on" inside the tri-brain computer (Twiggy's
Brains).  Chekov is still sitting at his console, biting his knuckles,
awaiting any possible return of the attacking pterosaurs.  Bones is sitting
at his console, making notes in his medical log of all that has recently
happened.

Spock: Captain, it appears that Twiggy's Brains have completed an initial
formulation for a new skin and frame for the Enterprise.

Twiggy: Yes, Mr. Spock.  The new frame and skin will be grown throughout
the existing frame and skin, gradually replacing the ship's old molecular
structure.

Bones: SEE, Chim???  I TOLD you those brains would figure out a way to start
changing this ship around!  You can bet ten cans of navy beans that this
new material will be something only those three brains can understand!  And
thereby control us!!!

Twiggy: Doctor, the three brains provide information, but they do not CONTROL
any systems onboard the Enterprise.

Kirk: Besides that, Bones, Twiggy's Brains just SAVED us and our ship!
We would have been DOOMED without them!

Bones: I STILL don't trust computer brains, Chim!  It's just my way.  I might
seem like I'm being a stick-in-the-mud, but I don't want some crazy triple-
brained computer destroying us all...

Spock: I highly recommend that we permit Twiggy's Brains, with Twiggy's
help, to "upgrade" our ship.  The skin and frame will be composed of the
instantly "morph-able" material that was recently formulated.  This is living
matter, meaning that the entire SHIP will be a living thing.  Twiggy,
in essence, will "subsume" the Enterprise, instead of just living INSIDE
the Enterprise.

Twiggy: The frame and skin will also be stronger than any other material on
Arboria.  It will weigh half as much as the old ship, but the frame and
skin will be impervious to attack by any known organisms on Arboria.

Kirk: Wait... you mean to say we'll be impervious to attack by the pterosaurs??

Spock: Precisely, Captain.

Bones: But with all this living matter... what will it EAT, to stay alive???

Twiggy: It will consume nutrients through my body, with little additional
energy requirements, Doctor McCoy.

Kirk: Spock, your recommendations?

Spock: The entire growth process will take two days, Captain.  To protect
ourselves from attack, I suggest we allow Twiggy to proceed with all possible
speed.

Kirk: Bones???

Bones: Well, Chim... It DOES sound like a good idea.  I like the idea of
being a doctor who lives INSIDE an organism.  That would be a first for me,
and I think that all the features of the new ship will make it worth our
while.  Just so long as those brains don't take over!!!

Twiggy: That will not happen, Doctor.

Kirk: Then, you may proceed, Twiggy.

Chekov: I want to see those pterosaurs, when they come diving into our
vwessel, Keptin, and get smashed to pieces upon impact!  Actually, does
that mean we no longer need the ship's weapons???

Spock: The great increases in the ship's strength will be for defensive
purposes only.  We may always have the need to project power, offensively
from our ship, whether for warlike purposes or not.

Kirk: Agreed.  I guess that means you're not out of a job, Chekov! (smacking
Chekov on the back)

Scotty is walking with a slight limp around the bridge.

Bones: I believe it's time that we checked on the Ring of Power again,
Chim!  Until we find a volcano in which to destroy it, we really have to
keep on our toes about that thing!

Kirk: Very well.  Mr. Scott, please remove the Ring of Power from its
safe keeping box?

Scotty: Oh, Captain Kirk, I don't think we really need to do that.  The Ring
is safe in there, I'm sure of it! (still limping around)

Kirk walks over to the safe on the bridge.  Opening it, he jumps back,
removing a tranq pistol from his belt.

Kirk: Okay... who stole the Ring???  Out with it!!!

Scotty: It's not ME, Captain!  Look!!!  (holds up both hands, all ten
fingers obviously void of rings)

Bones: Scotty, why are you LIMPING???

Spock: I might suggest that our chief engineer be asked to remove his boots
and socks, Captain.

Kirk: Proceed, Mr. Scott.

Scotty: But what good'll that do, Captain???  I'm busy, and I really don't
have TIME to remove my shoes.

Kirk: Twiggy, seal off the bridge, and lock down all windows.

Twiggy's vines spring into motion, slamming everything shut.

Kirk: Now, OFF with those shoes, Mister!

Scotty sheepishly removes his left boot, then his sock.  He looks up,
expecting to NOT be asked to remove the shoe from his "limpy" foot.

Bones: And the other one, too, SCOTTY!!!

Scotty obeys, and soon we see the Ring of Power, adorning Scotty's right
middle toe.

Kirk: Take that RING off, right now, Mr. Scott!

Silly Willy-Wonka style music as Scotty removes the ring and puts it back
into the safe, just as Yodel hobbles onto the bridge.  Slapstick, Three
Stooges-style music as Yodel gives Scotty a good wack on the behind with
his walking stick, causing everyone on the bridge to laugh, except Scotty,
whose face turns as red as a lobster.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030305:
We were all shocked to learn that the Ring of Power had seduced even Mr.
Scott!  He stole the ring from the safe when no one was watching!  He
was wearing the ring on his TOE, not his finger, to prevent anyone from
finding out what he was up to.  Because Twiggy has no actual "fingers"
on which to wear the ring, he is now watching the "ring safe", on the
bridge, to prevent anyone else from absconding with it.  Scotty said that
he heard a sexy female voice whispering for him to take the ring, and that
he just couldn't resist.  Such is the way of temptation...  Yodel seems to
have recovered, and I'm wondering if it might be better to ask him if he
wants to stay on as a permanent member of the crew, especially with the
Ring still being a threat.

Scene opens on the bridge, where everyone is once again seated at their
usual stations.  Bones is jotting down some notes, and Spock is out on
the poop deck, making scientific observations as they near their home base 
(the "Treehouse").  The massive trees scroll slowly beneath them as they
near their base.  Yodel is sitting in a lotus position, hovering, eyes
closed in meditation.

Kirk: Twiggy, how is the re-growth of the ship's frame and "skin" coming
along?

Twiggy: The growth is now 80% complete, Captain.  The ship's lift has
increased by 70% as a result, because of our decreased weight.

Scotty: That's an AWESOME improvement!  Captain, I've never seen one single
engineerin' innovation make such a big difference!  And with this new
"living ship" technology, who knows where we can progress next?

Sulu: Even with better structural technology, and information processing,
we're still limited to propeller technology, though.  We can't have something
like warp drive again.  That requires matter/antimatter reaction, and I
can't imagine any kind of living matter that would be able to contain
such reactions.

Twiggy: This is true, about antimatter containment.  But in my recent
communications with Finkelstein, I believe we might have another option.

Kirk: Which is?

We see Spock walking back toward the bridge.  He enters and sits down
at his science station.

Spock: Twiggy told me, over the external speaker, that he has a stunning
announcement to make.

Twiggy: Finkelstein recently melded with the Black Monolith, meaning that
he still contains the power of the Monolith within his life force.  He has
agreed to create a small "mini-monolith" which we could install onboard
the Enterprise.

Bones: Why would a monolith be useful for onboard the Enterprise?

Spock: It would provide an almost unlimited source of power.  With the
intelligence capacity of Twiggy's Brains, we could harness that power as
a new high-technology propulsion system.

Scotty: Like warp drive, Mister Spock?

Spock: Because the monolith derives its power from the very existence of
space-time, no fuel would be required for such a system.  It would meet or
exceed the capabilities of any antimatter-powered warp drive system I have
ever seen, even those that were on the Federation drawing boards at Starfleet.

Kirk leaves his chair and begins pacing around the bridge.

Kirk: You're saying then, that with the monolith as a source of unlimited
power, as well as the "living ship" technology that Twiggy's Brains are
developing, we could soon have a... a... STARSHIP?

Dramatic burst of music.

Spock: It would be a ship that could function in essentially ANY capacity --
starship, airship, submarine...  With the dynamically deformable living
ship we'll soon have, the ship could reconfigure itself, in a matter of 
minutes, to change from one form into another.

Chekov: What about weapons?

Spock: I would say that the monolith would be quite capable of projecting
huge quantities of energy.

Sulu: But what about shields?  SHIELDS???

Spock: Ditto to Chekov's comments, Mr. Sulu.  The only power that
the monolith cannot provide is the ESP capabilities of Lt. Uhura.  Only
brute, physical power can be provided by the Monolith.  It's up to us
to harness and channel that power.

Uhura: With Monolith power, I could go from being a grade-A psychic to being
an ORACLE!  One that many wise races would seek out for knowledge and
advice!  Imagine that!!!

Bones: And I could have a sick bay with transparent technology, allowing me
to diagnose illnesses without lots of bulky metal machinery!

Chekov: And we could blow whole PLENETS out of the sky if we wanted to!

Scotty: Ayeee, and how awesome it'll be, servin' as chief engineer on our
NEW Enterprise!

Just then, a loud knock sounds on the window-covered door leading from
the bridge to the poop deck.  Everyone spins around to see a black object
hovering outside the door.  Kirk walks over and opens the door.  A small
black monolith (about fifteen feet in length), its long dimension facing 
forward, moves calmly into the bridge, a low hum emanating from it.  It's 
wrapped in a series of red ribbons.  Kirk peels a small card from the 
monolith.

Kirk: Enjoy the use of this new Monolith, everyone.  Just make sure you never
abuse its powers.  And think before you act.  THINK!  Yours Truly, Finkelstein.

Uhura unwraps the red ribbon from the Monolith.

Twiggy: Come this way.  I'll show you where to splice in to the Enterprise's
structure.

With that, the Monolith hums its way gently through the bridge and deeper
inside the ship.

Dramatic, swelling string music as everyone grins and looks at each other,
realizing that their Enterprise is going to become the dream ship of the 
galaxy, on very short order.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030306:
We no longer require helium in gas bags to provide lift for the Enterprise!
With "Monolith Power", we can move with much greater agility and speed than
we could as a giant airship.  Twiggy helped the Monolith to splice itself
in to the Enterprise's structure, and the ship's frame and skin have been
completely replaced by "living material".  We are now invulnerable to attack
by the pterosaurs, and we're in the process of thinking up a new design
for our ship.  For example, if we kept our current design, then the entire
interior of our ship, no longer filled with helium gas bags, could be FILLED
with rooms and corridors.  We'd have more usable volume in our vessel than
we had with our original STARSHIP, considering the size of this airship's hull.
Yodel decided to head off and begin a search to figure out who created the
Ring of Power and why.  He's worried that more rings might be waiting to be
discovered in boxes of Jackercrack.  While we try to come up with a new
design for our deformable, living vessel, Spock is working on finding if there
are any active volcanoes on Arboria, in which to cast the Ring of Power...

Scene opens on the shuttle hangar deck, where Scotty is supervising the 
dropoff of huge sections of now-defunct helium gas bags from the Enterprise.
Twiggy has "snipped" the bags into large sheets which are being dropped to
ground level, near Squirreltown, where the squirrels will salvage the material
for making clothing.  The total surface area of all the gas bags should
keep the squirrels in shirts, pants, and sweaters for the next century or two...

Scotty: Twiggy, when are you going to convert the shuttlecrafts and submarine
into the same kinda material as the Enterprise is now made of?

Twiggy: The shuttlecrafts will be converted by day's end, but you needn't
worry about the submarine any longer.

Scotty: Why not?  What if we need to go underwater?

Twiggy: The shuttlecrafts will be capable of flight, land travel, and
underwater travel.  Each craft will be "deformed" into the desired configuration,
upon the crew's orders, so that one vehicle will suffice for all modes of
transportation.  Two shuttles should be maintained, however, to allow the
greatest flexibility of travel.

Scotty: Does that mean that the Enterprise could ALSO be turned into a giant
submarine???

Twiggy: Yes.  Though the conversion of a ship this large would take about
ten minutes, whereas it would take only a few seconds for something as small
as these shuttlecraft.

Scotty: That's AMAZIN'!

Scotty looks below, where the squirrels are dragging away the huge sheets of
gas bag which have just been dropped from the ship.

Twiggy: That's the last of the gas bag material, Mr. Scott.

Scene switches to the bridge, where the rest of the crew is hemming and hawing
over the upcoming redesign of the Enterprise.

Bones: I'D like everyone to know that we're a ship of peace, with a DOCTOR
onboard.  Whatever shape this ship takes, I'd like it to be white in color,
with a large red "plus" on both sides!

Chekov: But I was hoping our ship could be painted totally BLEK, so that
everyone would fear us.  And how about taking the shape of a huge bird of
prey, with superweapons that can fire from the bird's eyes, beak, and
talons?

Uhura: Don't you think that's a little too warlike??? (Chekov shrugs his
shoulders)

Sulu: I like the current appearance of our ship, Cap'n.  We can fill the
huge interior with all sorts of cool rooms and corridors, and we can get
rid of the propeller-driven engines, which will turn us into a silent
airship.

Spock: That would probably be the ideal design, Captain.  Because this ship
can convert into a submarine, as well as an airship, such a shape would be
much more streamline for minimizing underwater friction.

Kirk: I agree -- I really like the current shape our ship's in.  We'll have
more luxuries and great features in here than one could imagine!  Plus, what
about us becoming a starship?  I like the idea of a zeppelin-shaped starship!

Twiggy: I have some bad news for you, Captain.  Although Mister Spock may
wish to explain it first.

Spock: Twiggy is correct, Captain.  We cannot become a starship.

Everyone looks dumbstruck by the news.

Kirk: Why not???

Spock: The Monolith now onboard our vessel was derived from Finkelstein.
Finkelstein is part "Doctor Finkelstein", part "pure Monolith", and
part "Arborian Tree".  The "Tree" component provides life-giving energy
to all of us, as well as this ship, which is now also a living thing.
But the Trees derive their power from the combined life force of ALL
trees on this planet.  If one leaves this world, that power quickly
diminishes.  As a result, it appears that we are still bound to Arboria.

Bones: That makes perfect sense, Spock.  Plus, remember that living on
this planet keeps us young and in good health?  If we leave to go off on
some half-cocked deep space mission, we'd lose THAT, too, Chim!

Kirk: And we did all agree that we would like to stay on Arboria, right?

Everyone nods, and gradually adjusts to the idea of NOT having a starship.

Uhura: I suggest we get busy designing the new interior of our ship.  We
have a lot of thinking and decision-making to do!

Bones: Yeah!  I can't wait to design my new state-of-the-star sick bay!

Sulu: And I'm planning a new navigational system that will help us find
a volcano in which to cast that cursed ring!

Kirk: I wanna have a new gym, a swimming pool, and a bowling alley!

Spock: I'm considering a meditation center with references to all of our
native faiths, as a place to renew our own life energy.

Chekov: And we'll have weapons that could blow any other vwessel out of 
the sky!!!

Just then, Scotty enters the bridge and takes his seat.

Scotty: I already know about us not becomin' a starship, Captain.  That's
fine with me.  We have millions of square miles to explore here.  That
could take a whole lifetime!

Kirk: We've decided on keeping the same shape for our ship, Scotty.  Which
leaves tens of millions of cubic feet, once occupied by gas bags, that
we can fill with whatever we want.  What would YOU like to include?

Scotty: Ayee, Captain... I think I'll build a new pub, to serve the finest
single malt Scotch in the galaxy!  As well as feature a big stage on which
I can play the pipes!  That's the ticket, laddy....

Sing-songy music as Twiggy unveils a new illuminated display system, which
lowers from the ceiling, and on which everyone begins to divide up the
ship's cavernous interior, each to fulfill their own dreams about what
the Enterprise should contain...

***************************

THE END (SO GO AHEAD AND READ PART 18 ALREADY!!!!)...