GOOFY TREK, PART 23, BY Scott Speck

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20050321:
When we got back to the Enterprise, everyone was quite relieved to see us
again!  We told of our adventures, and all were shocked and dismayed at
Yodel's behavior.  On the other hand, they were glad that all ended well.
The interesting tid-bit of news that we gathered from Yodel, of course, is
that the STARGATES, the much-awaited instantaneous-travel gateways being
set up by the Overlords to allow interplanetary travel across the entire
galaxy, are nearly complete!  According to Yodel, they're set to open up
within a week's time.  My question is -- where on Earth will OUR stargate
reside?  And how will they work?  This is now the topic of much discussion
among the crew.  Meanwhile, we are flying once again over land, over what 
was once North America, and we're heading due west...

Scene opens on the bridge of the Enterprise, where everyone is seated at
their usual stations, with the exception of Chekov.  Obviously, we have
stepped into the middle of a conversation...

Uhura: Will anyone be permitted to travel anyWHERE at anyTIME through the
stargates?  Will one have to make advance reservations to use it?  Will
it cost money?

Bones: Frankly, I'm a little wary of the whole IDEA, Uhura!  I was so happy
that we had gotten rid of transporter beams and warp drive, and now we're
soon going to be able to travel even GREATER distances using some crazy,
new-fangled technology!

Kirk: But Bones, remember that this is Overlord technology.  These stargates
will be foolproof, neat, efficient, and clean.  You watch! (grinning)

Sulu: It'll make interstellar navigation a snap!  And all of our travel
can be done without ever going into space!

Bones: That WOULD be an improvement.  Imagine having the breeze flowing
through the bridge, as we travel from world to world.

Spock: Unless, of course, we ventured somewhere with a toxic atmosphere.

Kirk: Good point, Spock.  We'll have to check the atmospheric contents
of our destination before we set out.  In fact, you and Twiggy might want
to think up all the different types of atmospheres we might encounter,
and figure out how Twiggy's hull could be built to adapt from one to 
another, to withstand the effects of corrosion and high winds.

Twiggy: Good idea, Captain.  Mr. Spock, should you or I explain?

Chekov enters the bridge and sits down at his console.

Chekov: The Valkyrie is completely repaired, Keptin!

Kirk nods in approval while awaiting Spock's answer.

Spock: We have already thought of this issue, Captain.  For the past 
several weeks, Twiggy and I have worked out the spectrum of possible
gaseous combinations we might encounter in any naturally occurring
atmosphere, and Twiggy's hull is already prepared for them.

Kirk: ALL of them?

Spock nods.

Chekov: You're BRILLIANT, Twiggy, Meester Spock!  I'm going to do that with
all the ship's vweapons, too -- figure out what kinds of vwessels we might
encounter, and how to deFEAT them all!  (cracks his knuckles as he grins
confidently)

Uhura: And I've been tuning the ESP console and patching it in through a
much more sophisticated signal monitoring system that the ship's computer
designed.  We'll soon be able to automatically monitor MILLIONS of mental
channels!

Bones: And I've been preparing innoculations against a whole HOST of alien
organisms, Chim!

Scotty: And I've been thinkin' of how to keep the engines from bucklin'
over, no matter WHAT kinda planet we find or how bad a fight we get 
involved in!

Kirk: Well (slapping his knees with his hands), it looks like I'm the ONLY
one on this SHIP that hasn't been thinking of such eventualities. (goofy
grin on his face)

Sulu: Do you think that space travel will be ILLEGAL, or that most people
won't travel into space because they won't have warp drive?

Chekov: I would think it would still be LEGAL, but, veet-out warp drive,
who would travel through space when you could just use the stargates?

Scotty: I for one would love to have the chance to visit all the other
planets, especially Arboria!  I wonder what those squirrels are up to?
I miss 'em!  They were a good bunch!

Kirk: And *I* could then give DAGGOBAH a piece of my MIND, for using us
as STOOL PIDGEONS to bring the nanobots to Earth!

Bones: Oh, Chim, don't be so harsh.  After all, because of the part we 
played, Gaia has agreed to make us immortal again, and your hairline has
never looked BETTER, Chim!

Kirk lifts the right armrest on his command chair, revealing a small
secret compartment beneath it.  From it he extracts a small hand-held
mirror, with which he checks out his well-haired scalp.

Kirk: You may be right, Bones.  I never really looked at it that way.  

He puts away the mirror and lets the armrest cover fall shut with a resonant
thud.

Kirk: Yeah, good ole DAGGOBAH... Not a bad giant brain after all, I suppose!

Spock: I look forward to visiting Vulcan again, as well as Organia.

Scotty: I just wanna walk again on the fields o' the Scottish HIGHlands!
While sippin' on a really good, authentic single-malt SCOTCH!

Suddenly, the ship's red alert begins to sound.

Twiggy: Sensors are now picking up a very large flying object, heading
this way on a direct collision course.

Spock spins around and stares into his sensor readout scope.

Spock: Sensor readings indicate that the object is actually a living 
organism -- birdlike in outline, with a wingspan of over a hundred
feet.  The creature is closing with us at a relative speed of 400 knots.
Range is now 110 miles and CLOSING!

Chekov: That sounds like a PTEROSAUR, Keptin!  The kind we had to do BETTLE
with on Arboria!

Kirk: Red alert, red alert.  All hands to battle stations.  Chekov, power
up all weapons.  Twiggy close all windows and hatchways, and shutter all
windows and portholes.  Maximum magnification on the forward viewer.

Dramatic music as thick plating lowers to cover all the bridge windows,
while, on the computerized viewscreen before them, we can see the outline
of a very large flying creature, approaching through a hazy, cloudy
atmosphere...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20050329:
We are currently at red alert, due to the approach of what appears to be a
giant pterosaur, flying on a direct collision course with the Airship 
Enterprise at this time.  Chekov is ready on all weapons systems, his itchy
trigger finger even "itchier" after he did NOT get the chance to fire on
the "Ship of the Damned" inside the eye of that terrible hurricane.  

Meanwhile, Uhura is trying to raise the pterosaur from her ESP console, in 
the hopes of urging the huge beast toward a more peaceful course and speed.

Scene opens on the bridge of the Enterprise, where dramatic drum and wooden
xylophone music is playing to add to the suspense.  Kirk is perched on the
edge of his seat, his right hand massaging his chin as Uhura noisily presses
buttons, each button press producing a strange musical "beep" or "blurp"
sound.

Spock: Sensors indicate that the pterosaur is now slowing its forward
velocity, Captain.  It's ground speed has decreased to a scant 100 miles
per hour.

Kirk: Uhura, did you contact the pterosaur mentally, with your ESP?

Uhura: There, I just patched in, Captain.  It must have begun slowing down
before I reached through to it.

Chekov: It might be slowing down to deceive us, Keptin!  PerHEPS I'd better
give it a few nasty warning shots to ward it off!

Bones: Chekov, how do we know it ever intended to attack?  Why do you always
assume the worst before it happens?

Chekov: Better to be safe than sorry is the way I see it, Doctor McCoy!  
I don't trust birds big enough to peck giant HOLES in our vwessel!

Uhura: The pterosaur has told me his name, Captain.  Should I patch him
through?

Kirk: Affirmative.  Put him on speakers.

Uhura presses several buttons and nods at Kirk with a smile.

Kirk: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Airship Enterprise.  We are on
a peaceful mission to explore the Earth, after the Great Fall of Civilization.
We mean you no harm.

Deep Male Voice: I am... Sargon...

Dramatic burst of music.

Kirk: SARGON??? Weren't you the intelligence that was living inside a 
glowing white sphere, the one we met many decades ago?

Sargon: I am, Captain Kirk.  However, I tired of existing inside a frosted,
shatterproof plexiglass sphere equipped with tiny flickering white lights,
and now I dwell within this magnificent flying creature.  We have "been
one" for the past 41 of your years.

Spock: How did you find your way to our world, Sargon?

Sargon: I am here to usher in the dawn of a new age.  You see, I was sent
here by the Overlords, as a good will ambassador who heralds the opening
of the Stargate System.  The Overlords, from their lofty monolithic dwellings
in some higher, more celestial dimension, have created the stargate system
to permit interplanetary navigation and travel, without the use of the now
defunct warp drive system.  The stargates are now open, and I came here to
invite you to pass through Earth's stargate!

Everyone on the bridge starts to cheer, including Chekov, who has now
momentarily forgotten his itchy trigger finger.

Kirk: Great news, Sargon!  Thanks!  And where IS the stargate?

Sargon: I am now feeding the coordinates of it to your onboard computer.
The Overlords have stored, in my own memory, all of the information you
will require to USE the stargate system, including a map of all the worlds
that are part of this system spanning the entire galaxy and beyond!

Uhura: Now downloading and storing away the information, Captain.  It's
coming across at a VERY high data rate.

Sargon: I will now lead the way to Earth's Stargate, only several hundred
miles to our west.

Kirk: Sulu, increase speed to keep up with Sargon, as required.  Uhura,
how's that data stream going?

Uhura: Data transmission now complete, Captain.

Twiggy: And safely stored in our memory banks, Captain.

An external view shows the massive pterosaur named Sargon doing a graceful,
wheeling turn.  Soon, he is flying away from them, and the Enterprise's
engines roar to life, providing the required acceleration to keep up with
the pterosaur.  Back on the bridge...

Spock: Now displaying some of the star maps provided by Sargon, Captain.

On the viewer, we see a colorful map of the star-sprinkled heavens, with
tens of THOUSANDS of planets labeled with colored circles and "planetary
serial numbers."

Spock: It appears that the majority of all planets are part of the stargate
system, Captain.  My doubts about the system are hereby arrested, since
we will obviously have much greater freedom of movement than we have
ever enjoyed in the past, even with the best warp drives possible.

Dramatic, sweeping music as everyone eyes the star chart and realizes that
they can pick ANY of those planets to journey to, at a moment's notice.
Even more dramatic music as we move outside the Enterprise and watch as
Sargon soars past the camera, followed by the Enterprise.  As the camera
swings around, we can see an area of strange, wonderous luminosity glowing
more than a hundred miles away... The stargate...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20050403:
According to Sargon, the "super-being" who now inhabits a huge pterosaur,
Earth's (or rather, Gaia's) Stargate is now open for business!  We're
streaking there as quickly as possible, while Spock has digested the
instructions on USING the Stargate, so we can pick an intelligent first
destination upon arrival.  Finally, at long last, we'll once be part of
a galactic community.  Though Chekov is nervous about this, worrying that
other races might have formidable weapons on their ships, the rest of us
are overjoyed at the prospect of meeting up with all the other races in
the galaxy.  Ahead, the Stargate is glowing through haze and clouds,
with a very deep shade of pink.

Scene opens on the bridge of the Enterprise, where everyone is staring
wide-eyed through the layers of intervening haze and clouds.  Sargon is
flying ahead of them, and he vanishes into a cloud, and then they follow
suit, only a couple thousand feet behind him.

Bones: Do you realize that we'll be meeting races that we and the 
Federation might have never known EXISTED before?

Scotty: Ayeeeee...  And those races will've never heard the PIPES before,
and I'm aimin' to teach 'em!  

Kirk: A kind of "bagpipe missionary," Mr. Scott? (grinning)

Scotty: That's the TICKET, laddy!!!

Just then, they clear the cloud, and before them, above a mound of white
cumulus clouds tinged pink on their tops, stands a monstrous array of
lights, the likes of which they've never seen before.  The stargate is
shaped like a mammoth disk of red light, uniform in brightness across its
surface, many miles in diameter.  Bright white lights blink around the
perimeter of the disk, and, by the motion of the clouds, there is a
gentle pull on the air near the disks surface, but also a slight "outflow"
around the perimeter.

Sulu: My GOD, would ya LOOK at that!!!

Spock: The stargate is over ten miles in diameter.  Our sensors are picking
up very strange and seemingly chaotic electromagnetic readings.  According
to the instruction manual, this is to foil shields and weapons systems
when passing through the stargate, to prevent battles from being fought
inside hyperspace.

Bones: Hyperspace -- a domain of pure PEACE, Chim, devoid of all war!
That stargate is MASSIVE!!!

Uhura: Sargon is now passing through the Stargate, Captain.  He wishes all
of us a fond farewell.

They watch as the pterosaur vanishes into the red disk, a small flash of
white light marking his passage into hyperspace.

Spock: The instruction manual speaks of the fact that the journey through
hyperspace actually DOES require some travel time.  And, strangely 
enough, this elapsed time is not related to the total distance
being traveled, but upon factors relating to the curvature of space.  If
one is traveling somewhere near a black hole, or if a black hole lies
very near the path of travel, then the elapsed time can be more noticeable.
According to this manual, the longest duration of travel is roughly one
day.  The shortest duration is about 10 minutes.

Scotty: That's not bad, considerin' that one DAY might take ya' halfway
across the UNIVERSE!  That would'a taken a starship with warp drive many
millions of years to complete a journey like that!

Chekov: (staring through his eyebrows, his hands folded on the control
panel) All the more time for me to prepare our BETTLE strategies...
So we can emerge on the other side and destroy any enemy vwessels...

Spock: As we approach the stargate, we must attain a unified mental
impression of the world to which we want to travel.  We can specify
a particular planet, or we can request a random planet to be chosen
FOR us, given certain characteristics.

Kirk: Hey, that'll be great for taking vacations!  Just give me a cool
mountain valley retreat, and I don't care WHAT planet it's on!  Which
brings us to our first decision... Where to first?

Uhura: I don't know about everyone else, but I'd like to take a trip to
Daggobah again, on the planet of Arboria.

Chekov: Yes, I have a SCORE to settle with that monolithic FinkelTree,
Keptin!  Ever since he sent us here and STRENDED us!

Kirk: Now, now, Pavel, it all ended up working out for the best, right?
You have better weapons than you ever thought POSSIBLE for a non-warp-
powered ship...

Twiggy: I have calculated, via the instruction manual that we downloaded,
that the journey to Arboria will take 46 minutes.  During that time,
we will pass by several hyperspatial waypoints that we might want to
check out.

Uhura: WAYPOINTS?  What are those?

Twiggy: The Overlords, to facilitate and encourage travel, have set
up rest stops and waystations, some of which are huge "nightclubs" or
"interstellar diners" which are locatable through the stargate navigation
system.

Kirk: How the devil do the people who WORK there get to and from WORK,
if it's in hyperspace?

Twiggy: They LIVE there, Captain.

Sulu: Range to stargate is now 12 miles, Captain.

Spock: I would urge us to slow down, Captain.  The maximum speed of
approach, out to a range of 5 miles, is 100 knots.  Our current speed
is 300 knots.

Kirk: Slow to 80 knots forward speed, Mr. Sulu.

Sulu: Aye, aye, Cap'n.

Just then, from inside the red disk, they see a bright white flash of
light, and a large vessel can be seen moving outward, at a 45 degree
angle away from the Enterprise's path.  The ship appears as a black
silhouette against the bright red stargate.  But, as Spock zooms in
the viewer on the silhouette, we can see that it's some sort of airborne
"sailing ship," complete with sails and rigging.

Kirk: Wow, look at that SHIP!  It's incredible!

An external view shows a huge sailing ship, about half as long as the
Enterprise, rocking to and fro as it sails on the prevailing winds
beyond the stargate.  Three masts billow with white sails, and bright
yellow and blue flags flap from the tops of its masts.  Some sort of
humanoid creatures are visible on the deck, apparently dressed in 
brilliantly colored uniforms of some kind.

Spock: We will reach the stargate in thirty seconds, Captain.

Kirk: Alright... Everyone think ARBORIA!

Dramatic music as the majestic Enterprise approaches the stargate, and,
in a flash of white light, penetrates the mammoth disk of warm red
light.  Even more dramatic music as we are now BEHIND the Enterprise's
rear tail fins in the cloudy darkness of hyperspace, and numerous 
floating "buoys" are visible, glowing with neon signs and flashing 
lights, advertising a variety of interstellar waystations between them 
and Arboria.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030406:
We have passed through Earth's Stargate, and we're now venturing through
hyperspace enroute to Arboria!  This is great!  Hyperspatial travel is 
smooth and carefree -- you keep on moving through a part-misty, part-
starfilled sky at incredible speed.  We've already passed several huge
floating rest-stops, and WOW, let me tell YOU, there were some pretty
snazzy looking space-rods parked in those space docks!  We've decided to
pull over at Zaphod's Bar, Grill, and Menagerie.  The place is nearly
two miles long, though most of it is space dock.  The exterior is glowing
brightly with turquoise, ruby, cobalt, and lemon-colored neon, and 
there's a huge martini glass on top, which tips over and pours out an 
olive in stop-frame neon animation, repeating over and again.  We've 
just docked, and we're heading out to our most intensely social 
gathering in the past couple YEARS.

Scene opens in space, with the camera floating beside the huge neon
sign flashing "Z-A-P-H-O-D-'-S-!" in sequence.  As the exclamation point
illuminates, the entire word flashes off and on brightly several times.
The diner looks like one of the buildings from the Jetsons series, with
curves abounding, large antennae jutting from the roof, and row after
row of glowing windows behind which we can see thousands of people 
eating, dancing, drinking, partying, etc.  The camera then moves across
to a huge "parking lot," in which the Enterprise has just been moored.
From beneath the gondola, a ramp has lowered, and the crew is stepping
out into the lot.  Amazingly, they can breathe, as it appears that some
sort of invisible shield protects them from the harshness of hyperspace.
Hundreds of other ships, both large and small, primitive looking and 
advanced, drab and colorful, are occupying numerous slots in the lot.

Kirk: Twiggy, we'll bring you back something to eat if you'd like.

Twiggy: Actually, if they have any "water of life" or "miracid cocktail,"
that would do very nicely, thanks!

The entire crew has filed down the ramp, and now it raises back into
position, sealing and locking behind them.

Scotty: Would ya' take a LOOK at this place!  I wonder who this ZAPHOD
fella is!  He must be MADE o' money!

Chekov: He probably got so rich because his name starts with "Z."

Bones: What the devil does THAT have to do with anything?

Chekov: Well, he was always the last kid in line for lunch, or in the
playground.  Always being LAST probably wanted to make him be FIRST,
so he became very ambitious and now he's rich.  It's simple deduction,
Doctor McCoy.

Uhura: I like your theory, Pavel.  I wonder if we'll get to meet him!

Kirk: We're all assuming Zaphod is a HE.  Isn't that a bit presumptuous?

Spock: In the Rigel cluster, Zaphod is actually quite a common name for
male humanoids, Captain.

Kirk: Ah, I see.  Well, let's head inside and maybe we'll catch at least
a glimpse of him.  I myself hope they have some good looking 
"HELP staff" in there!

Sulu: You and me BOTH, Cap'n!

Uhura shakes her head and rolls her eyes as the entire crew, dressed
more ornately than usual, in neatly creased and pressed tunics and
trousers, walk toward the main entrance.  Soon they reach a huge 
revolving door, each panel nearly twenty feet wide and fifty feet tall.
As Uhura reaches out to touch the door, it begins to revolve slowly 
of its own accord, and they hear the voice of a mischievous-sounding
British man addressing them.

Voice: Welcome to Zaphod's!  It's about TIME you got here!  Enjoy your
stay...

The door is so huge that all of them step through together, and, within
seconds, they're inside the bustling, chrome-plated, neon-decked interior
of a mammoth 50's-style diner.  The ceiling is nearly a hundred feet 
high, and hundreds of patrons are visible, of every imaginable race,
size, and color.  A podium stands before them, behind which stands
a huge pink octopus, his body stuffed inside a tux with a black bow-
tie.  He looks up them, his tentacles moving gracefully, fluidly, as
he grabs seven menus.

Octopus: Welcome to Zaphods (he sounds like a stuffy British butler).
This WAY, if you please...

They follow him into the cavernous interior of the diner, this being only
one of many "levels" inside Zaphod's.  Within a minute or two, after
weaving their way full of circular booth-shaped tables, some filled
with tiny green-skinned aliens, others huge enough to accomodate large 

cyclopian gorillas, they arrive at their table.

Kirk: This place is GREAT!  How long has it been here?

Octopus: This is our third year of operation, Sir.

He hands them each a menu from a different tentacle.

Spock: And how long is your YEAR, might I ask?

Octopus: One revolution of Zaphod's home world's SUN about the center
of our galaxy, of course.

Spock: Then your YEAR ranges from many thousands to many hundreds of
millions of Earth years, Captain.

Kirk: WOW!  But it doesn't LOOK that old!

Octopus: Ah, you're all FIRST timers then, eh?  Very good then!

He produces a small set of brass cymbols from his tux lapel pocket and
clangs them together gently and musically.

Octopus: Someone will be with you shortly... 

He slithers off atop his huge mound of pink tentacles, and the crew of
the Enterprise looks around in wonder at their surroundings.  Everyone
is oo-ing and aw-ing over how some of the patrons are dressed, and 
Kirk in particular is getting whiplash from all the gorgeous humanoid
"babes" striding past their table.  Just then, what appears to be a
huge, glowing, multicolored macaw comes flapping through the air, 
settling with a flurry of feathers before them.  It stands about seven
feet tall, with a two-foot beak.

Macaw: (in the classic voice of a parrot) May I take your order?  Drinks
for anyone? (followed by a parrot-whistle)  I'm Polly, and welcome to
Zaphod's (another parrot whistle).

Kirk: I'll have a fizz-bin on the rocks, if you please.

Scotty: I'll have a tumbler full o' yer best SCOTCH!

Chekov: A double-header of your finest WOODKA, please.

Everyone else orders drinks, except for Spock, who orders water.  Polly
the macaw then goes flapping off to place their order, and they open
their giant menu's, each about four feet tall and filled with at least
100 luminous, moving, dynamically-self-altering pages chock full
of menu selections.

Crazy, slap-stick-style music as a shaft of light suddenly descends to
the middle of their eight-foot-diameter black tabletop, and, in the 
midst of the shaft, we see the holographic projection of a jet-set
looking, frizzy-haired, two-headed man grinning at them...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030411:
We're enjoying excellent drinks, appetizers, and entrees at a really
great hyperspatial diner called "Zaphod's".  It's so mind-boggling, to
once again be immersed in the multi-culturalism of the galaxy!  Around
us dine hundreds of humanoid species, each with differently colored skin
and hair, and each with a unique pattern of bumps on their heads and
mottlings on their foreheads and temples.  In addition, countless furred
creatures, squid-like beings, and numerous cyborg and robotic organisms
also share the restaurant with us.  The MENU at this place is hard to
believe!  There are so many items to choose from, but the menu was
immediately displayed in our native language (in Spock's case, it was
Vulcan!).  By the size of the portions at this place, we should be
bringing lots of "doggy bags" back for Jethro.  In the middle of our
celebrations, a holographic projection of a way-out dude with two heads
appeared just above the center of our table.  Is he the manager, or
perhaps the owner of this fine establishment?

Scene opens in the loud interior of Zaphod's diner, with everyone sipping
their drinks while staring at the slowly rotating human-sized holographic
projection of the two-headed man.

Kirk: Hello, good Sir.  This restaurant of yours is the best place we've
visited in hyperspace!

Hologram: Goooood!  Goooood!  I'm very glad!  I'm Zaphod, by the way.
Zaphod PeebleBrocks!  Glad to be of service to you and your gallant
crew, Captain???...

Kirk: Captain Kirk.  James T. Kirk, of the Airship Enterprise.

Everyone lifts their glass to Zaphod, who suddenly produces his own
glass and toasts back to them.

Scotty: This Scotch is GREAT, Mr. PeebleBrocks!

Zaphod: Please, just call me Zaphod.  Actually, I spent some time in 
Scotland, so I KNOW a good single malt when I taste one!

Scotty: Ya don't SAY!  Well, I'm impressed!  Do ya like the PIPES???
I'm Montgomery Scott, by the way, but you can call me Scotty.

Zaphod: Sweet music to my ears, Scotty.  I couldn't get enough o' the
pipes while I was there.  Actually, I just renamed this place, would
you believe that?  The new menu's just came out a few days ago, 
actually.

Uhura: What was the previous name?

Zaphod: The Diner at the End of the Universe.  But that sounded so gloomy,
and we were showing the entropy death of the Universe, night after night
after night, so much so that people were really getting tired of it.  
So we changed our theme, and we're now much more up-beat!

Bones: I can see their POINT, Zaphod!  No one wants to witness the
death and destruction of everyone and everything they hold dear to 
themselves!

Spock: Though it WOULD have been an interesting phenomenon to witness and
take scientific measurements of.  The most refined physics in the known
universe postulates that the spectrum of energy released during the final,
cosmic conflagration is --

Zaphod: No, no, my good Vulcan, no scientific instruments were permitted.
It was meant to be a transcendent moment, beyond all postulation and
theorization.

Bones: Hear that, SPOCK!  I'm a DOCTOR, not a COSMOLOGIST, and I could've
told you that myself! (turning back to Zaphod) By the way, is that second
head of yours functional?

Zaphod: My second brain is a dark and brooding brother -- you could call
him my "Doppelganger," if you wanted.  Though, when I'm conversing
most affectionately with him, I call him "Doppy" for short.

Everyone laughs, especially Bones, who downs his drink in one big gulp
before resuming his laughter.

Chekov: By the vay, Zaphod, your WOODKA here is second to NONE!  Even
better than the special reserve WOODKA at the Kasparov Saloon in Saint
Petersburg, R-r-r-r-russia!

Zaphod: My girlfriend Trillion picked out that particular brand.  I'm
glad that you enjoy it!  By the way, Mister... SPOCK, are you interested
in meeting a highly sophisticated mechanical intelligence?  He has
QUITE an interesting view on life, the universe and everything!

Spock: I would be intrigued, Zaphod.

Zaphod: I'll send him out, straightaway, then.  I'd also enjoy meeting
you back here, in my inner sanctum, if you would like.  After all, I
DO have ties to Earth, very strong ones, too!

Loony-Tunes-style syncopated mechanical-sounding music as a tall,
clanky, awkward looking robot (with a big cylindrical silver head and
two big blue camera lenses for eyes) shuffles quietly across the 
restaurant floor toward their table.

Zaphod: Allow me to introduce MARVIN, the most brilliant, introspective,
and vivacious robot in the known UNIVERSE!

Another burst of dramatic music as Marvin stands before them, and Spock
eyes the large, silvery robot with much curiosity and respect...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20030418:
Here at Zaphod's hyperspatial diner, we're now meeting Marvin, Zaphod's
clanky-looking metal robot.  We're still having drinks and finishing up
dinner, and after that me and "the guys" might check out one of the
go-go clubs on the uppermost levels.  Besides, Uhura said that she wanted
to do some shopping in the mall section of Zaphod's, which will work out
all the better.  Spock, meanwhile, will most probably while away his
evening conversing with Marvin the robot...

Scene opens in the loud interior of Zaphod's, just as a short-skirted
waitress places another brightly glowing, lime-colored margarita in front
of Kirk.  His face is red from drinking too much, but he appears
to be having the time of his life.  Marvin, meanwhile, is now standing
before them, his head appearing like a Quaker Oats container painted
reflectively silver.  Long, multi-jointed arms hang at his sides, with
two-pronged "hands" at the ends of the arms.  A small reel-to-reel
tape player can be seen through his transparent chest plate, and the
reels spin rapidly to and fro, as several large lights blink in
sequence beneath the chest plate.

Spock: Marvin, we are most honored to meet you, a most intriguing 
cybernetic organism.

Marvin: Dee-bee-dee-bee-dee-bee-dee-bee-DEEP!  HEY SPOCK, LET'S PARTY
DOWN! (in a raspy, annoying-sounding voice)

Kirk: Hey, you sound like... like... (his eyes growing wide with worry,
sweat beading on his forehead)

Bones: TWEAKY!!!!

Dramatic burst of music.

Chekov: But your name is MARVIN, right?

Marvin: Dee-bee-dee-bee-deep!  MARVIN'S THE NAME, DEBAUCHERY'S THE
GAME!

Uhura: I've MISSED the sound of Tweaky's voice for so many years, Captain.
Haven't you?

Kirk: (swallowing hard) Ummmm, YEAH... YEAH, Marvin, your voice sounds
great!  How the heck are ya'?

Spock appears mystified when Marvin, instead of acting like a dignified
robot, grabs Kirk's drink, opens his mouth with a loud squeak, and pours
the drink down his throat.  We hear numerous sloshing, sliding, and
sparking sounds, followed by a deep thud and a resonant burp from the
robot.

Spock: Your swallowing mechanism could use a bit of fine-tuning,
Marvin.  If you would like, I could help you with it onboard the
Enterprise.

Kirk shoots Spock a nervous glance, afraid that Marvin will get onboard
but never LEAVE once he gets there...

Zaphod: Not NOW, Doppy!!!! Not NOW!!!!

Everyone suddenly looks up at Zaphod, still suspended as a hologram above
the dinner table.  His "main head" appears to be arguing with his second
"shrunken head" right beside it.  The shrunken head has the high-pitched
tinny voice of a ventriloquist's dummy.

Scotty: Is yer Doppelganger givin' ya trouble, Zaphod?  Hey, just give 'em
a few shots o' SCOTCH, and he'll quiet down!

Doppy: Yeah, gimme some SCOTCH, ya old party-pooper!  And let me go over
and flirt with that GORGEOUS babe!

Doppy winks at Uhura, who looks flattered and grins back at the 
beady eyes of the long-haired, shrink-headed 2nd-Zaphod.

Marvin: Dee-bee-dee-bee-deep! HEY GUYS, LET'S HEAD UPSTAIRS AND WATCH
THOSE GIRLS JIGGLE AND GYRATE 'ROUND THE DANCE FLOOR!!!!

Spock looks quite disallusioned -- hoping to have some sort of deep
conversation with Marvin, only to realize he's an undisciplined FOOL of
a robot...

Bones: You know, medical science could remove that second head and give 
Doppy his own mechanical body.  That way, you wouldn't have to argue
like that, with your noses four inches apart.

Bones gives himself a quick air hypo shot, then lifts his glass and 
toasts Zaphod.

Bones: (his speech becoming slurred) To ZAPHOD BEEPLE-(burp)-BOKS, the
coolest dude in the GALAagzeee...

Sulu: (gingerly sipping a glass of Japanese sake') You know, I think 
everyone is going a little overboard, don't you Uhura?

Uhura: Perhaps we've been out of the loop too long.  We should probably
get everyone back to the SHIP before we start any trouble here!

Bones: Now lizzen HERE, Missy... I'm not goin' back to that SHIP of ours
until I'm GOOD... AND... READY!!!!

He suddenly topples head-first onto the floor and begins to snore.

Kirk: What happened to Bones?

Marvin: Dee-bee-dee-bee-deep!  I think he's PARTIED OUT!  He CRASHED,
and it's not even nine o'clock!!!

Just then, Uhura closes her eyes and begins to massage her temples.
The camera switches view to the interior of the Enterprise, where we
hear Uhura's echoing voice asking for Twiggy's help in getting everyone
back to the ship.  Within seconds, seven sets of wings come flying out of
a storage locker onboard the Enterprise.  Scene switches back to 
Zaphod's, where Kirk is trying to flirt with the waitress, a curly-headed
blonde with bright blue eyes and long eyelashes who's popping bubbles
with a huge wad of pink chewing gum and grinning at Kirk as he hands her
an extravagant tip.  Chekov looks pretty drunk, too, and Spock is 
sitting with his arms folded, apparently ready to leave at the slightest
provocation.  Just then, sets of wings come flying into Zaphod's, and
each set attaches to the back of a different crewman.  As Kirk, Scotty,
and Chekov shout out in protest, they're all lifted ten feet into the
air, and the wings head straight back for the Enterprise.  Dramatic
music as Marvin grabs onto Bone's still-snoring form, and the wings
go flying past us, Bones snoring loudly, and Marvin appearing delighted
to be hitching a ride with the good doctor.

***************************

CAPtinnzzzz LOG, Zdar-DAYTE two thouznd... *burp* FIVE O-five O-FIVE:
Uhura, of all the NERVE that girl has!  She brought uz all BACK to da
SHIP, jez when it was gettin' FUN!  Her n' that damn E-S-PEE of herzzz.
ANYwah, I GOTTA get outta this place, with that crazy ROBOT followin' me
'round with all those DEEEE...BEEE...DEEEBEEE...DEEBZssss...

Scene opens on the poop deck of the Enterprise, where Kirk is standing
beside Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov, each of them gripping the rail and 
staring off into bright, shining, twinkling lights of Zaphod's.  A 
pleasantly warm hyperspatial breeze is blowing through their hair, and,
by their tottering stances, their glazed eyes, and the sweat on their
foreheads, all of them have obviously had too much to drink.  Just then,
the door from the bridge swings open, and Marvin comes shuffling out
to join them.

Scotty: Did you get a load o' the WOMEN in that place!  I'll tell ya,
I could'a used a little tour of the "men's club" downstairs.  All I saw
was blood red light shinin' outta the doorway from that place!

Sulu: Well, hangovers be DAMNED (smacking Scotty on the back with his
open palm), let's go BACK in there and check it out!

Kirk: Where's BONES anyway?

Just then, the door swings open a second time, and Bones comes hobbling
outside, a small glass filled with a dark, purple liquid in his right
hand.  He burps loudly and stands beside Marvin.  As he looks down
upon the polished metal head of the robot, he knocks on it with his
knuckles, then breaks out into uproarious laughter at the hollow sound
now ringing from Marvin's head.

Bones: Hey, there, Jimmy BOY, whatcha say 'bout goin' back in there for
a little dancin', partyin', and socializin'?

Uhura appears behind the doorway, wearing her nightgown, her hair in
tight pink curlers.  She opens the door and sticks her head outside,
a skeptical, cranky-mom kind of look on her face.

Uhura: You boys better get to BED soon.  We have a big day tomorrow,
heading off to Arboria.  You don't want to be hung over while greeting
the SQUIRRELS now, do you?

Scotty: Goo'NIGHT, Lassy!  We'll be in soon to saw the logs...

Uhura nods and closes the door, disappearing from view as she heads for
bed.

Marvin: Dee-bee-dee-bee-dee-bee-deep!  Let's check out some BABES! 
(his metal hands on his waist as he swings his hips from side to side 
with a mechanical buzzing sound.

Kirk: COME ON, Guys... (his voice heavily slurred)  Hey, TWIGGY! (shouting)

Bones: SHHHHH!!!!  Calm down there, Jimmy Boy.  This old country DOKtah
can't take noise like that... 'Sides, you're gonna wake up UHURA with loud
talkin' like that.  (whispering) Twiggy, you there?

Twiggy: (in his calm, soft, mellow voice) Yes, I'm here.  Can I be of
service in helping you BACK to Zaphod's?

Kirk winks theatrically back at the ship, nodding as he does so.

Twiggy: Just as long as you PROMISE to never tell Uhura that I'm doing
this.

Chekov: Our lips are SEALED, Twiggy!

Everyone else pretends to zip shut their mouths, and, within seconds,
the wings reappear, attaching to everyone's backs, including Marvin's.

Twiggy: These wings will get you there nice and quiet.  And if you're 
not back in two hours, I'll wake up Uhura and send her in to fetch you 
with a very large ROLLING pin, understand?  And maybe even a cast iron
skillet!

Everyone nods, and, amid some happy-go-lucky style music, the scene
switches to the interior of Zaphod's.  Kirk and crew are stumbling along
behind Marvin, who is leading the way toward a large doorway shaped
like a huge set of pouting woman's lips, glowing blood red and beckoning
them onward.  The "lips" door is about twenty feet wide and ten feet
tall at the center.  As Marvin reaches the door, the lips part slowly,
softly, the light deforming in shape and texture as though these were
really a giant set of lips.  Loud disco-style music can be heard from
beyond the doorway, and spots of white light beam into their eyes,
as though they're staring into a giant mirror ball inside the "men's club.
Marvin steps through the opening first, followed by Kirk and the others,
and the lips slowly seal shut again.  Switch to the inside of the men's
club, where tall chrome-plated "poles" stand about the interior of a
black-walled, blood-red-lit "strip club," with exotic nude females of
various species gyrating about small floating "pads" which serve as 
individual stages for the dancers.  The well-oiled, well-endowed,
scantily (or not at ALL-clad) females swing around the poles, sliding
their legs up and down the gleaming metal, all the while a thumping
bass beat is playing beneath a deafening roar of disco music.  Just
then, Marvin looks up at a window, in the DJ's booth of the nightclub.
There, we can see the "real" Zaphod, who winks at Marvin.  Marvin salutes
back at them and then ambles off, his mission of luring them to the club
now complete.  Zaphod's two heads are BOTH wearing huge bubble-style
headphones, and Zaphod is holding a vinyl LP-style record while getting
ready to cue it up on the Technics direct drive...

Kirk: Get a LOAD o' these BABES, guys!!!!  Holy MACKEREL!  I think I
died and went straight to HEAVEN!

Sulu: That's one huge set o' ga-ZONGA's over there!!!

He points to a tall woman with glowing blue skin, as she bounces
around her small stage, which moves very slowly about the interior of
the club, the whole place well-packed with men who are either drinking 
at a luminous bar that rings the club's perimeter or dancing beneath 
blinking, flashing lasers and the swirling glitter of fifty-foot 
diameter mirror balls.  As one song ends, we hear Zaphod's voice on the 
PA system.

Zaphod: And now, for those cool cats from PLANET EARTH, we give you
that song that describes the human race better than any other!  Straight
from the greatest era of humanity's home world, here are the BEE-GEE's,
with... STAYIN' ALIIIIIIIVE!!!!

Kirk and crew cheer loudly, clapping their hands above their heads.
Next, they order drinks from a well-endowed sequin-skinned woman who
strides alluringly away from them to place their drink order.  Soon,
they're dancing beneath a huge mirror ball, Kirk's shirt unbuttoned
to reveal his hairy chest, Scotty jumping up and down like a teenager,
Sulu and Chekov "Slam-dancing" and laughing riotously each time they
collide.  Bones' eyes are riveted to a stripper who blows a kiss at him.
As she does so, a red, glowing spot streaks across the dance floor and
smacks into Bones' face.  His head recoils an inch, and we now see a
smoldering red "lip-smack" on his left cheek.  He hoots and hollers, 
and Kirk dances up toward him, and the two give each other high-fives.
The barmaid returns and hands out their drinks to them, and all the men
around her are obviously purposely bumping into her from all angles, and
she giggles while being jostled this way and that.  Kirk is holding a
drink he has never heard of before.  Along the tall, glowing, fluted
glass are the words "pan-galactic gargle-blaster" which are glowing
back and forth between purple and orange.  Scotty is holding a whole
BOTTLE o' scotch, Sulu is sipping a steaming-hot bowl of sake', and
Bones is preparing an air-hypo full of something that looks pretty 
potent.

Then, from behind one wall of the club, a huge, glowing white polar
bear head, nearly forty feet in diameter with a thirty foot muzzle and
huge glassy, liquid brown eyes, emerges from a newly formed opening in
the wall.  It's grinning, and humming in a deeply sonorous voice as
a red-neon "Coca Cola" emblem flashes above it.  We recognize the old
coke ads featuring the polar bear families, and this huge bear head is
incredible in its intricate facial features.  Its mouth cranes open,
revealing two-foot-tall white fangs. Inside the mouth, several more
dancing girls jump out, bouncing up and down on bungee cords as the men
in the club go WILD!  Just then, "Stayin' Alive" finishes, and a
deafening disco-version of "Scotland the Brave" begins to play on a 
thousand sets of electronic bagpipes.  Scotty begins to dance a wild
highlander's dance around the nightclub floor, and the crowd parts 
around him, people stomping their feet and clapping their hands as 
Scotty stuns everyone by doing a bizarre kind of dance -- half Scottish
highland and half break-dancing.

Kirk: Go, Scotty, GO!!! Show 'em how it's DONE!!!

Scotty's set of wings flies across the club and attaches to his back, and
soon he's flitting wildly about the men's club, the bottle of single-malt
scotch sloshing from the bottle clenched in his fist as he orbits the
giant mirror ball and soon heads straight for the huge polar bear head.
He streaks into the bear's mouth, the bottle of scotch suddenly torn from
his grasp.  We follow the bottle deep into the bear's mouth, where it
shatters loudly against the "robot's" back teeth, wasted whiskey flying in
all directions.  Some of the whiskey drips back into the bear's
throat.  We follow the stream of whiskey backward and downward, where the
fake pink foam "gums" in the bear's mouth gives way to bundles of wires,
pulleys, motors, hydraulic pumps, and flickering arrays of LED's that
compose the bear's inner workings.  Some of the whiskey drips onto a
piece of machinery that suddenly begins to smoke, and now sparks 
begin to shower out from it in all directions.  Other machinery begins
to smolder, some pieces exploding with puffs of black smoke.  Next, we
follow a bundle of wires up the bear's throat, then upward into the
highest reaches of its skull, where the wiring, now sizzling with bright
blue electricity, merges with a huge box covered with blinking red LED's.
The box is labeled "CPU BRAIN.  CAUTION -- HIGH VOLTAGE."  Sparks
issue forth from the brain, and then we hear deep, ominous music as
the camera moves outward and zooms in on one of the bear's enormous
eyes, which suddenly narrows, the white, furry brow above it furrowing
menacingly.  Even MORE ominous music as a deep, thunderous GROWL rolls
throughout the club's interior, people cheering wildly as it does so...

***************************

CAPT'nzzzz log, STARdate two thouznd FIVE, oh FIVE, oh ZEVEN,
Wow, what a PARTY thiz is at ZAPHed's!  Scotty jez did a Scottizh BREAK-
danze that nearly brought the whole damn HOUSE down!  And these babes
are abzolutely GORgeous!

Scene opens in the incredibly loud, steamy interior of Zaphod's "strip
club."  The gigantic polar bear head is still inching forward into the
strip club's interior, its neck protruding through an open doorway in
the middle of one wall of the club.  The dancing girls are still bungee-
bouncing from the lower jaw of the giant bear, and Scotty, dazed and
confused, emerges from the bear's mouth and takes to flight again on his
set of wings.  He settles down gently to the nightclub floor, beside 
Kirk.  Once again we hear a deep ominous growl, and Kirk looks up at the
bear.  He grins, laughs, and points at the huge head.

Kirk: Would ya get a load o' THAT!!!!!  He's lookin' pretty darn MAD
right about now!

Chekov, Sulu, and Bones are all contratulating Scotty on his incredible
highlander break-dance, as well as his flight through the club, but soon
everyone else follows Kirk's pointing finger, just when the bear's eyes
narrow a second time, and suddenly the dark-brown irises of the
bear begin to smolder.  Smoke is rising from the eye sockets, and, within
seconds, we see burning, searing rays of yellow-orange light, penetrating
what now appears to have been a layer of brown paint over the huge
robot's eyes.  Some of the dancing girls, "marooned" high up on their
floating dance platforms, have stopped gyrating, and a couple of them
are screaming with fright.  

Scotty: I think somethin's WRONG, Captain Kirk!!

The bear roars again, this time sounding very different from the first
roar, and the white fur begins to peel off from its head like huge 
sections of fluffy white shag carpet.  Beneath the white fur, we can 
see that a thin framework of copper struts had been built up around
another head, this one INSIDE the polar bear head.  It looks as if the
polar bear had been merely a "facade" over some much older, more sinister
robotic creature deeper inside!  Most people stop dancing, and we suddenly
hear the music fading, just as Zaphod's voice sounds loudly over the
PA system.

Zaphod: Stay calm, everyone, stay calm!  This beastie is just getting 
a little feisty, but I'll shut him off with the flip of a switch!
THERE!

Despite Zaphod's supposed "flip of the switch," the creature is still
alive and well, and its eyes are now glowing with incredibly brightness
and ferocity.  The fake pink "gums" inside the polar bear head peel away,
and four foot-long dagger-sharp teeth knife outward.  The robot roars
again, and its jaws close upon three exotic dancers still trapped INSIDE
the creature's mouth!

Bones: My GOD, Chim, there were GIRLS in there!

Everyone is suddenly screaming and rushing for the door.  They're pouring
toward the set of bright red "lips" along one wall.

Kirk: Quick, everyone, let's get OUTTA here!

Via the ESP sensors on their sets of wings, as the door opens, everyone's
wings but Scotty's come flying through the now-open doorway (Scotty's
wings were still attached to his back, from his antics earlier on).  The
wings anchor to their backs, and they take flight with amazing speed and
grace for the doorway.  They fly through the doorway in single file,
and now we can see Zaphod at the DJ's window, high up on the front wall
of the nightclub.  He's standing there, both heads appearing "dazed,"
both sets of bubble-style headphones still plastered to their ears.
The beast shakes its head, and the rest of the bear head falls away, 
revealing what appears to be some sort of robotic T-Rex head, and then
the huge cranium shoves forward again, and we see the entire BODY of
this titanic mechanical beast crashing through the wall.  Its huge
hydraulic rear legs are stomping across the dance floor, the mecha-TRex
grabbing people in its jaws and crushing them to bloody pulps.  The
beast's head collides with the huge 50-foot mirror ball at the center
of the strip-club ceiling, and the ball detaches, crashing to the floor
in an incredible explosion of mirror glass.  Dozens of patrons have
been crushed by the fall, as the T-Rex roars fiercely and stomps about 
the nightclub.  A huge pile-up of frantic patrons has clogged their only
exit, and smoke is now pouring from the creature's mouth, flames crackling
between its jaws as it whirls around, its tail flicking around with such
power that it shatters everything it strikes.  Sparks are showering
everwhere, and the scene switches to the outside of Zaphod's, where
loud sirens are wailing, red emergency lights spinning and flashing, etc.
Kirk and crew emerge on their wings and fly straight to the poop deck,
and they hurry back inside the bridge.

Kirk: TWIGGY, power up all systems!  Get us OUTTA here!

Uhura comes rushing out in her night gown, a look of shock and horror on
her face as she covers her mouth with one hand and points out the front
bridge windows.  Kirk looks up from the command chair, just as the huge
robotic T-Rex, its eyes burning with rage, comes smashing through the
front of Zaphod's establishment.  Ships are blasting into the sky,
rejoining the "hyperspace slip-stream" and distancing themselves from
the carnage as quickly as possible.

Bones: My GOD, Chim, that thing'll kill THOUSANDS in there!

Fire is shooting from the creature's mouth, smoke pouring from every
orifice in its head, as it stomps outward.  Just then, we see Zaphod
emerge, a shoulder-launched missile in hand.  He runs right between the
T-Rex's rear legs, as they clomp about with their metallic thunder.
Soon, he spins around, stops, aims the missile, and pulls the trigger.
A rocket emerges from the launcher, striking the creature mid-chest,
causing a fiery explosion that sends shrapnel and debris in all
directions.  The beast is at least a hundred feet tall, and still it
clomps forward, its head lowering as it tries to grab the fleeing
Zaphod in its jaws.

Kirk: Chekov, power up forward cannons!  If you can get a good shot,
blow that damn thing's HEAD off!!!

Chekov, despite his bloodshot eyes and drunkenness, is pulling levers,
pushing buttons, sweat pouring from his forehead.  An exterior view
shows four cannon barrels on the front of the Enterprise suddenly
extending from the front of the hull.  Back on the bridge, Chekov is
aiming as best he can, considering his current state.  

Uhura: Are you sober enough to DO this, Pavel?

Everyone looks at Uhura, who has now realized that they all snuck back
into Zaphod's.  Despite her anger, she's terrified by the mammoth beast
slowly clomping toward the Enterprise.  The beast bites down at the
center of another ship's hull (a large blue rocket-shaped vehicle), and
the entire structure collapses, an explosion knocking the beast's head
backwards.  The blue ship is now burning, a pall of black smoke rising
and partly obscuring Chekov's view.  Nonetheless, he pulls the trigger on
his firing triggers, and four white-hot shells burst forth from the
gun barrels.  All four strike the beast -- two in the head, another
two in the chest, and the ensuing explosions are thunderous.  The beast's
head is torn completely from its body, which slowly leans forward and
collapses to the floating platform serving as the Zaphod's "hyperspace
parking lot."  The head is blown completely free of Zaphod's, and it 
falls over the edge of the half-square mile platform upon which Zaphod's
is anchored.  The head falls over the rail, and the camera view follows
it, the burning jaws and teeth plummeting downward until they're caught
in the hyperspatial "slip stream," whereupon it vanishes from view.
Sirens are blaring, and people and workers are pouring out of Zaphod's.

Kirk: Great SHOT, Chekov!!!  You DESTROYED it!!!

Suddenly, a huge disk of smoke forms over Zaphod's, and what appears to be
a giant wormhole opens up with a brilliant blue swirl of light.  Several
large vessels emerge from the wormhole, and they descend upon the scene,
foam jetting from steerable nozzles on their underbellies.  The ships
are painted white, with red crosses on their sides, and they appear to
be "rescue ships" of some sort.  Soon, the fires have been extinguished,
and Bones grabs his medical bag.  Ultra-dramatic music as he rushes down
the gangplank and toward Zaphod PeebleBrocks, now lying on the ground, 
his clothing tattered and scorched as tears stream down BOTH his faces...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20050508:
After several large mugs of very black, very strong coffee (as well as
several of Bones' anti-hangover air-hypo injections), we're busily 
assisting in the disaster recovery efforts currently ongoing at Zaphod's
hyperspatial cafe, restaurant, and night club.  For some reason, Zaphod
had placed a dangerous but "rewired" killer-cyborg robot inside his
own establishment -- why, we're not yet sure.  Bones is currently doctoring
Zaphod onboard the Enterprise, and I'm heading to sick bay to get some
answers.  Thus far, the death toll is at least one hundred twenty, and
rubble from collapsed sections of the building are STILL being cleared.
Thank God for the hyperspatial emergency squads, who are dispatched
from various outposts IN hyperspace to other places in hyperspace 
requiring assistance.

Scene opens in the Enterprise sick bay, where Bones is measuring out
some medications to administer to Zaphod.  The flashy night-club owner
is lying in bed, numerous white bandages covering wounds on BOTH faces,
arms, legs, etc.  A huge cast has been fitted to his right arm, and
Marvin is standing at Zaphod's bedside, occasionally honking his mechanical
metal nose into a handkerchief.  Just then, Kirk walks into sick bay with
Spock at his side.

Kirk: Zaphod, how are you feeling?  Bones, how is he?

Bones:  He's gonna be okay, Chim, but he has a LOT of cuts, abrasions,
burns, three broken ribs, one broken arm, and he's only now really
coming out of shock.

Marvin: Dee-Bee-Dee-Bee-Deep!  Thanks to SAWBONES here, Zaphod's gonna
make it!!!

Zaphod: Captain, I'm so sorry all of this happened.  How foolish of me...
How SELFISH...

Spock: My analysis of the remains of the cyborg body suggests that this
was once some sort of intelligent, self-conscious weapons platform.
In addition, the skeleton itself is composed of metals which should be
absent from all worlds in the known universe, due to the metal-dissolving
actions of the nanobots.

Zaphod: Mister Spock... as you know, I have a rather, shall we say...
COLORFUL past.

Kirk: Yes, that's what we've heard.

Spock: And why does this... COLORFUL... past have something to do with
the cyborg?

Zaphod: The Overlords and I -- we go back a long way.  When they were
establishing the hyperspatial highways, I helped convince various leaders
on various planets that the highways and stargates were a good idea,
the way to go, if you will.  In gratitude, the Overlords set me up with
my own place, here in hyperspace.  Not only do I have legal immunity
here in hyperspace, but certain things can still EXIST in hyperspace
that would not exist anywhere beyond it.

Spock: All metals, you mean.  

Burst of music.

Kirk: Metals?  Like iron and steel and adamanite?  Even corbomite?

Zaphod: ALL metals.  I wanted my club to have something that you couldn't
find anywhere else, so, when one of my pals from Betelgeuse 7 dug up
this ancient cyborg "killing machine," I had it reprogrammed and put into
my nightclub as something that could really wow the crowd.

Bones: So people would come here, not just to see that cockamamy POLAR
BEAR, but to--

Zaphod: To touch METAL!  Yes -- to rest their elbows on a real polished
chromium diner counter splash rail.  To put METAL COINS into a METAL
JUKEBOX and feel the solidity of it beneath their hands.  Yes... I had
even thought of NAMING the place "Metallica," but I had to battle certain
copyright infringements with a rock-and-roll band, so I gave up on that
and settled for "Zaphod's."

Kirk: But what's this about needing immunity from prosecution?  Here in
hyperspace...

Zaphod: As part of my colorful past, let's just say I've made quite a
few friends AND... quite a few enemies.

Kirk: Ah, I see.  So you feel that you have to remain in hyperspace, 
lest someone... one of your... ENEMIES... wait for you outside one of
the stargates to... as the saying goes, "put you in irons."

Zaphod: PRECISELY, Captain!  You've really hit the nail on the head!

Bones: Well, we can transfer you to one of the hyperspace patrol
ambulances, since their hospital is located INSIDE hyperspace.  Beyond
that, you'll have to see how you can remain here with the nightclub
being burnt and tattered as it is.

Zaphod: I'm assuming that an Overlord emissary will be here soon, to
assess the damages.  I'm willing to give UP the cyborg -- well, that's
actually now a foregone conclusion -- and probably even close up the 
strip club.  I'm turning over a new leaf -- I want Zaphod's to be a clean,
wholesome FAMILY oriented place.

Kirk: Well, I'm very glad you've decided on all of this.

Just then, Scotty walks in.

Scotty: How're ya DOIN', Mister PeebleBrocks??

Zaphod: Fine, just fine.  I'll be fit as a fiddle in no time at all.
By the way, that was quite a flying stunt you pulled there near the
end!

Scotty: Too bad I lost a bottle o' my best SCOTCH in the process!

Zaphod: Well, I'll have a replacement bottle given to you shortly.
In the meantime, if all of you would be so kind as to move me to a
hyperspatial ambulance, I would be VERY grateful.  I'm terribly sorry
that all of this has happened.  This is an utter tragedy...  And, most
of all, THANK YOU, all of you, for destroying the cyber-Rex and saving
the lives of over 3700 patrons who were in Zaphod's at the time.  You
really saved the day.

Kirk: Well, we TRY, Zaphod, what can I say.  But I hope you learned your
lesson about keeping reprogrammed mass-killing machines inside your
nightclub.  It's not a very good idea.

Zaphod: Your point is well taken, Captain.

With that, Bones wheels Zaphod's gurney from sick bay, with Marvin
shuffling along a step behind, through the corridor and eventually 
down the gangplank.  There, several hyperspatial EMT's, dressed in 
white and looking quite spic-n-span and professional, lift Zaphod onto 
a stretcher which self-levitates and moves toward a large white
ambulance-shuttle with flashing red and white lights.  The Enterprise 
crew members file back onto the Enterprise and raise the gangplank.  
Soon, everyone is assembled on the bridge.  Outside, several DOZEN
hyperspatial rescue ships, ambulances, and repair vessels are assembled,
with THOUSANDS of rescue workers, EMT's, and repairmen busily at work.

Kirk: Zaphod thanked us for saving the day, and I have to say it was
really an accident waiting to happen.  Who would ever keep a killer
cyborg in a nightclub, even if they THOUGHT it had been successfully
reprogrammed?

Uhura shakes her head in amazement.

Uhura: And I want you to know that this should ALSO serve as a lesson
to all of you who stole back INTO Zaphod's last night, after we were
supposed to be getting some much needed rest before continuing on to
Arboria.

The crewmen hang their heads low in acknowledgement of their misbehavior.

Kirk: We're sorry, Uhura.  This IS a good lesson to us -- no crazy,
licentious behavior from now on.

Chekov: Besides, I shouldn't have too much WOODKA so I can fire with 
greater precision!  Look how "out of the blue" that crisis was!  We
were having a good time, and suddenly a hundred-foot-tall cyborg T-Rex
was crashing through walls...

Bones: It's the worst trouble that happens completely without warning,
that's for DAMN sure.

Kirk: Well, let's continue on to Arboria.  Sulu, bring our engines online,
and let's prepare to re-enter the hyperspatial corridor.  I'm sure Zaphod's
will be rebuilt, but many lives were lost.

Somber resolution-style music as an exterior view shows the Enterprise's
running lights turn on, her engines hum to life, and then the ship
slowly rise and move off the landing pad for Zaphod's.  Within seconds,
the ship lengthens into a strand of light, which then rockets off at
faster-than-light speed into hyperspace, bound for the lush, green
forests of Arboria...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20050718:
After leaving Zaphod's in smoking ruins compared to its former glory as a
hyperspatial night club, we re-entered hyperspace and are preparing to
emerge from the trans-dimensional corridor in what we HOPE will be the
beautiful, tree-covered world of Arboria.  We have so many questions about
what we'll find, like how the Squirrels are doing, if Master Yodel is
still hanging around and stirring up trouble, and whether the trees,
cacti, and giant seaweeds have grown any larger.  Everyone seems pretty
optimistic about what we'll find, though NONE of us are necessarily 
looking forward to the droning, scolding voice of Finkeltree, who is most
probably still complaining about everything...

Scene opens on the bridge of the Enterprise.  Everyone is seated at their
usual station, and, on the main viewer, we can see the swirls and flashes
of brilliant, dazzling color that marks their journey through a 
hyperspatial corridor.  On Sulu's helm console, we can see a counter 
ticking down, second by second.  When it reaches 30, Spock speaks.

Spock: Thirty seconds until Stargate, Captain.  All sensors indicate
the presence of a well-functioning portal at the approaching end of our
journey.

Scotty: This is the way t' TRAVEL, Captain Kirk!  We've used no fuel
at'all to get here!

Uhura: I just hope we don't find some dreadfully terrible surprise here,
like we did when we brought that little "gift box" to Earth from Arboria
and the whole planet crumbled to rust!

Sulu begins counting down...

Sulu: Ten seconds, nine seconds, eight...

Kirk: Bring us home, Sulu... (smiling)

The music begins to swell in intensity and emotion.  A quick series of
facial shots fills the lens as we see the gazes of anticipation
on everyone's faces.  The camera even visits Twiggy's branches and
leaves, even though we don't see any "eyes" to speak of.  Then the 
camera view shifts to a deep blue sky filled with fluffy white cumulus
clouds.  Four brilliant diamond-like crystals, arrayed in a square, 
suddenly become dazzlingly bright.  And then, from the space between
them, the huge Airship Enterprise blasts into this world from beyond
it, lighting sizzling momentarily about her hull until she's clear of
the Stargate.  The ship immediately slows down, and then we hear the
calm drone of her engines.  Amid a sweeping crescendo of music, the
camera pans around the Enterprise, soon swinging down to afford
a view of Arboria, tens of thousands of feet below...  And it's GLORIOUS!
The trees have grown into much more complex assemblies of twisted,
gnarly branches, covered thickly with leaves.  The boundaries between 
the trees have seemingly been erased, and the entire surface, from horizon
to horizon, is covered with a huge, leafy canopy.  Pterosaurs are soaring
above the treetops, and several small airships, like miniature versions
of the Enterprise, some with pink hulls, others purple, others covered
with bright green flecks of some kind of glittery material, are flying
below the Enterprise.  Switch back to the bridge, where everyone stares
mesmerized into the viewer, except for Spock, who is busily staring into
the blue glow of his sensor readout scope.

Kirk: It's INCREDIBLE!  Even more beautiful than I remembered it being!
Oh, how I've MISSED this place!

Spock: All life signs are quite healthy.  The biometric mass, output, and
combined consciousness on this world are beyond anything I have ever
monitored with these sensors.

Uhura: And I'm hearing a nearly deafening ROAR of ESP activity, Captain!

Bones: Would you look at those, those little SHIPS out there!  Do you
think the squirrels are flying them???

Twiggy: Unknown, Doctor.  We have no database of ships from other worlds
that would allow us to try to identify any vessels besides our own and
"Der Kupfer."

Kirk: Sulu, plot a course for the last known location of Squirrel Town.

Sulu: Aye, aye, Cap'n.  From our current compass readings, we are roughly
1900 miles from Squirrel Town.  Speed?

Kirk: Ummm... (gazing out the windows) I dunno... Nothing TOO fast, mind
you -- I want to enjoy the view by taking our time!  Make it 300 knots.

Sulu: Aye, aye, 300 knots, bearing 16 degrees, holding altitude constant
at 25,000 feet above the treetops.

Spock: By external pressure readings, I would say that Arboria's 
atmosphere has grown noticeably thicker, Captain.  We could easily be
more than ten miles from the planet surface, with the tops of the trees
forming a nearly constant-altitude "canopy" nearly five miles above
ground.

Everyone expresses their amazement, and Bones gives a little whistle
from being so impressed.

Uhura: Captain, I'm receiving a VERY strong communications signal from
Finkeltree!  He's on Channel Z!!!

Kirk: Put 'im on speakers!

Uhura presses a couple buttons.

Kirk: Finkeltree, is that you?

Finkeltree: (speaking in a multi-harmonic version of Jeff GoldBlum's
voice) Jim Kirk, hey, what're YOU doing here?  It's great to see ya!

Kirk: Once the stargates became operational, Arboria was our first
destination!  This place is even more beautiful than when we last left
it!

Finkeltree: Well it's a pleasure to have you back here.  Lots of things
have been happening, on a global scale, since you left!  When you reach
Squirrel City, we can discuss everything at greater length.

Uhura: It was called Squirrel TOWN when we left.  CITY now, you say?

Finkeltree: Oh yes, it's grown quite a bit.  And not only the squirrels,
but the pterosaurs, and a new race of highly-intelligent apes, all 
building towns and cities high up in the trees.  They're building
HIGHER these days, mind you, since it's gotten so unbearably humid and
warm near the ground.

Spock: Is the increase in atmospheric density normal, Dr. Finkelstein?

Finkeltree: Please, please, Mr. Spock, lighten up a little, it's
FINKELTREE.  And I have to apologize for my cranky ways of the past.  Now
that I'm tapped into the complete knowledge and wisdom of the main
intelligence of this planet, the Great Brain Arboria, I've come to 
realize that I can finally RELAX a little...

Everyone looks at each other with a sense of unbelieving glee at the
thought of a happy, non-cranky Finkeltree.

Spock: Yes, Mr. Finkeltree...

Finkeltree: In answer to your question, YES it's normal.  The trees are
putting out a lot of oxygen, then using it up again very quickly, but
their internal fusion reactor mechanism is generating enough excess
heat to create the increased temperature and density.  You'd probably
find it too warm to bear within two miles of the surface, unless you
were at the poles, whereupon it's bearable clear down to the planet
surface.

Kirk: Who's flying those SHIPS near us?  Squirrels?

Finkeltree: Some of them.  But you won't BELIEVE it when you see the
REAL squirrel ships!  Those near you now are probably a few pleasure-
craft, but that's about the extent of it.  Wait 'til I tell the Squirrels
you're back!  They're gonna drop every acorn in Squirrel CITY when they
hear this!  See you soon!

Kirk: See you soon, Finkeltree!  Kirk out...

With that, everyone gets up from their consoles, and they file to the 
front doors on the bridge.  Kirk opens the door and they file out onto
the poop deck, walking to the prow of the Enterprise and gazing in
wonder at the titanic forest beneath them, all as a pleasantly warm
breeze ruffles their hair and tunics...  Dramatic, swelling music as 
sets of wings come flying from deeper inside the ship, and, attaching
themselves to everyone's backs, cause them to take off with hoots and
hollers to soar through the clear, blue skies of Arboria...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20050719:
We're back on Arboria, and it's more incredibly beautiful than any of us
remembered!  Though I'm a Terran by nature, I feel so powerfully
drawn to this world.  Perhaps it's because we built the Enterprise here,
and rescued the Great Brain Daggobah from the slavery of the ages.  On 
the "star maps," this world is actually known by two different names --
Daggobah (the name of the Overlord living inside the planet) and Arboria.
Perhaps it's the beauty of that latter name, and the nature of this world,
with its lush greenery, that causes us to use one name and not the other...
We're nearing Squirrel City now, toward dusk as the sun sinks below the
distant, tall tree tops.  What a BLAST it was to soar through the sky
beneath our living wings.  Life is so good again... I feel like we've come
home at last.

Scene opens on the front deck of the Enterprise, just outside the bridge,
where everyone but SUlu is standing at the railing and watching a 

ruby-colored sun as it sinks toward the tree tops in the distance. 
Numerous small airships are paralleling their course, and Chekov is eyeing
them suspiciously.

Kirk: I feel like we're being led to Squirrel City in some kind of 
"airship parade!"  This is great!

Chekov: I don't LIKE it, Keptin!  What if all those little vwessels
suddenly turn and atTECK us?  We would be unprepared!

Twiggy: But our hull strength would withstand such an attack, Mr. Chekov.
And within a few seconds, you'd be at your weapons console, blasting all
of them to "Kingdom Come."

Chekov: (grinning) That's RIGHT, Twiggy!

Uhura: I sense no hostilities on any mental frequencies, Chekov.  I think
you're being a little paranoid.

Bones: I agree with Uhura, Chekov.  Lighten up a little.  Sip on a mint
julep with me, your old country DOKtah, and I'll give you a little 
prescription that'll calm ya down... (grinning)

As the Enterprise clears several unusually tall trees, we can suddenly
see Squirrel City in the distance.  Countless lights glimmer and twinkle
among the trees several miles away, and a series of huge wooden towers
jut from the tree tops.  Everyone gasps with amazement when they see that
impressively large airships are moored to the tops of the towers.  The
airships have a very strange but appropriate geometry...

Bones: Of COURSE!  O' COURSE, Jimmy Boy, I should'a KNOWN what kinda ships
those squirrels'd build!

The airships are shaped like huge, brown acorns, their gondolas anchored
to their bottoms.  The largest one appears to be roughly the same size as
the Enterprise herself.

KirK: Would ya look at that... (a look of wonder on his face)

Scotty: And I bet the squirrels used some pretty good engineerin', from 
what they learned while buildin' OUR ship! (smiling proudly)

Just then, the apex of the only empty tower begins to flash a bright red
color, then purple, then green, then red again.  This sequence continues
repeating, on and on.

Uhura: Captain, I'm getting an ESP transmission, directly into my BRAIN,
without using my ESP console!  They must have telepathic communications
onboard their ships!

Kirk: What are you hearing?

Uhura: The squirrels request that we dock atop that tower, the one that's
flashing.  And then they promise us an incredible celebration, the likes
of which we've never seen before!

Kirk turns and sees that Sulu is faithfully steering their great vessel
near the tree tops.

Kirk: Sulu, take us in to DOCK at the top of the lone empty tower, the
one with a flashing beacon light on top.

Sulu: (grinning wildly) Aye, Aye, Cap'n!

He slowly turns the wheel, and the Enterprise begins to decelerate and
descend toward the docking tower.  The camera's view switches to 
Squirrel City, where MILLIONS of large, furry gray and brown squirrels,
many of them festooned with hats and bright scarves, and some of the
elder squirrels with monocles, stand cheering and throwing some sort of
confetti from the tree branches.  The cheers form an ocean of twittering,
clicking, chirping sounds, all melting together into a kind of roar.
They're watching the glorious silhouette of the Enterprise, dark against
the setting sun, as the street lamps in Squirrel City spring to life.
Switch back to the Enterprise, where everyone can now hear the cheering.

Kirk: I'd say they're happy to see us, wouldn't you agree?

Scotty: Captain Kirk, let's put on our wings and fly on over!  Sulu can
join us after Twiggy finishes the dockin' procedure!  Whadda ya say?

Bones: I'll see you folks over there!!!

With that, a pair of wings that was roosting above the deck swoops down
and attaches to Bones' back.  He lifts up and over the railing with a loud
shout and a gleeful holler.  They watch as he descends to the de-boarding
area, just below the top of the tower, where countless squirrels are
milling about.  As he descends, he begins shaking hands and hugging the
squirrels, as confetti rains down around him.  Just then, the prow of
the Enterprise slips into the docking ring, and the engines subside to
a whisper, the turbines spinning down rapidly.  Squirrel technicians 
secure mooring cables to the ship, and Sulu emerges from behind his
console.  Then, without delay, everyone dons a set of wings and glides
toward Bones.  Incredibly dramatic music as they land and are surrounded
by a frenzied crowd of squirrely well-wishers.  Sudden dramatic burst from
a set of huge, wooden loudspeaker horns, anchored to the sides of the 
tower, as they hear "BAM!  BAM!  BAM-BAM!!! *BAM*!!!!"  And then, in the
midst of the reception area, they see the ghostly form of Emerel, garbed
in white, preparing to cook "televised" for the first time in years!

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20050725:
WOW, what a party we're having on Arboria!  It ends up that Emerel
decided that the afterlife was too darn BORING, so he talked to "the Big
Guy Upstairs," who let Emerel's spirit return to haunt Arboria for as 
long as he wishes.  It's all the better for us, of course, since I'm
sure we'll be treated to some painfully hot entree's during our time here.
Squirrel City is a veritable "city in the tree-tops," complete with
open air markets, concert halls, quaint shop-lined streets (with lots
of leaves offering shade, of course!), and four competing ESP-based
"TV stations" offering all sorts of cool programming.  One can tune in
to the desired channel via ESP-based headsets.  On the outskirts of 
Squirrel City, titanic acorn storage silos have been constructed, both
to "squirrel away food" and also to serve as hydrogen-generating fuel
sources for their growing airship fleet.  Right now we're settling into
our guestrooms, all of them inside a luxurious penthouse suite atop the
tallest tree in Squirrel City.  Wow, what a view from up here!

Scene opens at night, far above the glimmering street lamps and orange
torch lights adorning Squirrel City.  Up here, one can hear only the
rustle of millions of leaves in the warm, evening breezes.  Everyone is
sitting out on a wooden deck beneath the stars, sipping on multi-colored
drinks and nibbling on "munchies" prepared especially for them under
Emerel's direction.

Scotty: That Emerel is a class act in my book!  He's runnin' the most
prestigious cookin' school in the GALAXY from here, and all the great
chefs around are comin' to learn how t' kick it up another notch!

Chekov: I agree!  That WOODKA sauce he made for the pasta this 
evening... It was wonderful!

Uhura: I had too much to eat since everything tasted so delicious!  Twiggy
is an excellent chef, but it's good to sample Emerel's cuisine again.

Kirk: (downing a gulp of his glowing, bubbling green drink from a martini
glass) You can say that again.

Suddenly, Uhura's face goes blank, and her eyes glisten in the nearly
complete darkness.  We can hear countless crickets and other night insects
chirping among the leaves, but she freezes as though she can sense
something unusual...  Spock takes immediate notice.

Spock: What is it, Uhura?

Everyone spins their heads toward their communications officer, and Kirk
leans forward in his chair, suddenly alerted by the odd expression on
her face. Just then, Uhura turns her dark gaze toward the Captain...

Uhura: (whispering) Captain... We're being WATCHED...

Kirk: (whispering back) what or who is watching  us?

Chekov looks up at the black silhouette of the Enterprise, docked to the
tower about a mile off in the distance.  He's obviously wondering how
to get to the ship's weapons locker in the event of trouble...

Uhura: It's some kind of... APE I think!

Spock stands up from his lounge chair and looks to either side, where the
tallest leaf-covered tree branches stir in the breeze.  As everyone
follows Spock's gaze, we suddenly hear a burst of ominous sounding music
as a series of black silhouettes, like human or simian "heads and
shoulders" appear visible against the faintly glowing sky.  The creatures,
whatever they are, are roughly human in size, and they're perched in
the branches not more than twenty feet from the leftmost edge of the 
wooden deck.  Kirk stands up and looks boldly at the shadowy creatures.

Kirk: I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the Airship Enterprise.  Please show
yourselves.  We mean you no harm.

With that, the shapes begin to move, and the branches and leaves 
begin to shake as the creatures make their way deftly toward the deck.
Kirk and crew are now standing their ground, Bones staring into the
darkness with his eyes nearly bugging out of their sockets.

Bones: I hope you know what you're DOING, Chim!

Soon, large furry apes land with soft thuds upon the wooden deck, and
Chekov lights a large torch.  It bathes the entire scene in a warm,
shivering glow.  Shadows are cast in all directions, and we can see
the faces of these "apes."  They look quite similar to the "chimp
creatures" on the old Planet of the Apes movies and TV series.  There
are six creatures, standing shoulder to shoulder, their eyes glimmering
in the torch light.  They're all wearing loose-fitting garments that
are somewhat robe-like or toga-like in appearance.  Finally, one of them
speaks, in an airy, light voice that sounds almost comical.

Ape: We must speak with you about something very important, Captain
Kirk.

Bones: Thank GOD you speak English, my furry friend...

Ape: Of COURSE we speak English.  English is the universal language of all
humanoid creatures, is it not?

Sulu: That must be the case.  We've encountered cavemen on alien worlds
never before visited by members of our race, and the inhabitants there
spoke perfect English.

Ape: Be that as it may... (now we can hear that the voice sounds very
similar to that of Roddy McDowell), we must speak with you about something
we have found.  Something deep in the forest, down where it is now almost
too hot to venture...

Kirk: Uhura?

Uhura: (nodding) I sense sincerity, Captain.  No tricks...

Ape: Ahhh, a telepath!  How interestinggggg...

Kirk: What have you found?  And where exactly IS it?

Bones: And what's your name while you're at it?  I'm Dr. Leonard McCoy.

Ape: Please call me... Doctor Cornelius.  This place of which I speak
is on the forest floor, beneath the magical mosses of Elradyll...  Down
in the stifling heat and humidity, where the air is thick like water and
nearly impossible to breathe.  We need your help in exploring this
region more completely.  To make sure whether what we fear is about to
come to pass.

Kirk: What is it that you fear?  The Squirrels?

Cornelius: Not at all.  Though we choose to remain hidden, we see the
Squirrels as good creatures, as our friends.  No, this is something that
bodes ill for Squirrel City, perhaps even Arboria itself!

The music has grown quite dark and mysterious...

Kirk: How can we help you explore the forest floor?

Cornelius: We require the use of a small craft that can withstand the
temperatures and environmental conditions there.  A couple of protective
suits would also serve us well.

Spock: Could we accompany you on these explorations?  I am most intrigued.

Cornelius: I would be honored!  Are you... are you... a...

Spock: Yes, I am a Vulcan.  My name is Spock.

With that, the apes begin to hoot and holler in hushed, suppressed
tones, as they struggle to keep control of their emotions.

Cornelius: The SPOCK!  The SPOCK!  The prophecies are fulfilled!!!

Dramatic burst of music as Kirk glances at Spock, who has now raised one
eyebrow in his unceasingly, unswervingly curious nature...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20051227:
While lounging in our penthouse suite atop the tallest tree in Squirrel City,
Uhura sensed we were being watched.  As we stared off into the darkness, we
were suddenly greeted by several humanoid "apes," one of whom is named 
Cornelius and is well groomed in addition to speaking with the slight "twang"
of a British accent.  These "apes" have apparently evolved with amazing
rapidity here on Arboria, and they are obsessed with journeying to the 
dangerously warm and atmospherically dense "surface" of Arboria, a couple
miles below our current location.  Down there, in the thickening jungle,
Cornelius and his fellow ape-men claim to have found something very 
dangerous -- not only to themselves or us, but, they claim, possibly to the
very existence of Arboria herself.  They have asked for our help in venturing
to the surface, using a shuttlecraft and thermal protective gear.  We're
currently discussing this out on the luxurious veranda of our penthouse
suite.

The scene opens on the veranda, still shrouded in darkness except for a few 
ornamental torches flickering orange in the cricket-filled night air.  Above 
them, countless stars wheel brilliantly overhead as the leaves in the Arborian
treetops rustle in a pleasantly warm evening breeze.  The entire crew of the
Enterprise is present, dressed in comfortable tunics and robes.  Cornelius is
standing before them, two companion ape-men flanking him.

Spock: Do you have any idea what the nature of this threat might be, Doctor
Cornelius?  And how long has this threat existed, and is it native to this 
world, or was it brought here following the establishment of the stargate
system now connecting all sentient worlds in the galaxy?

Cornelius: I'll try to answer all of your questions in turn, Mister Spock.

Bones: It's unsual for you to ask so many questions in one breath, SPOCK!!!
You must be pretty worried about what's wrong down there!

Scotty: Ayeeee, laddy, he MUST be concerned about it!

Suddenly, Bones jumps back, staring at Scotty with wide-eyed amazement.

Bones: Scotty, you look different somehow.  As though you're... 

Everyone stares at Scotty, and we can now see that he appears unusually pale,
as does Bones himself.

Uhura: (covering her mouth momentarily) He's almost glowing, like you, Doctor
McCoy!

Scotty: What the devil are ya TALKIN' about?  I feel FINE!  Fit as a fiddle!

He glances around quickly at everyone before touching his own face to
convince himself of his own solidity, his own existence.

Bones: SCOTTY, I think you must have... you must be...

Kirk: DEAD?

Sudden burst of dramatic music.

Uhura: I think you've passed away on some other world, Scotty!  Like Doctor
McCoy did, a few years ago.

Scotty: Ya mean t' say that I exist now only HERE, in this universe?

Uhura nods slowly, solemnly.  Then, to everyone's surprise, Bone's slaps
Scotty on the back with a big, wide grin.

Bones: It's alright, Scotty Boy, don't worry about it!  I'm existing these
days as some kind of ghostly apparition, and I'm no worse for wear!  You'll
get used to existing like I do.  Besides, once you've crossed over the
"great threshold in the sky," you're immortal!

Scotty: You're serious?  You think that I... DIED somewhere else, and now
I'm existin' in some sorta' crazy AFTERLIFE or somethin'?

Kirk: And you're still the Chief Engineer of the Enterprise!  

Cornelius: The same happened to me a few years ago.  Don't I look pale, too?

Everyone looks at the character being portrayed by who appears to be Roddy
McDowell.

Scotty: So you, me, and Doctor McCoy are existin' only in this universe?

Cornelius: I believe so, my good man.  But that doesn't change the gravity
of our situation, here on Arboria.

Scotty sits down, grabbing an ornate crystal decanter and pouring a hefty
portion of single-malt scotch into a fancy glass tumbler.  He downs the
several shots worth of scotch and wipes his chin with his sleeve.  In
a few seconds, he's once again grinning.

Scotty: Then I don't CARE if I'm dead in some other world!  I'm alive HERE,
and I'm gonna do everything in my power to save Arboria!  Tell us more,
Cornelius! 

He leans forward on his chair, and everyone listens carefully as Cornelius,
his hairy ape hands folded beneath his chin, begins to explain.

Cornelius: I have recently noticed a strange change in weather partterns here
on Arboria.  At first I thought it was just some sort of statistical fluke --
unusually cool days with more wind than usual.  But my meteorological
measurments showed strange wind flow patterns that defied the overall weather
patterns on this planet.  For example, winds in some areas swirl about 
despite the fact that they're inside a huge region of nearly constant 
temperature.  In other cases, rain has been measured as falling UP.

Kirk: Wait a minute -- rain falling UP -- you mean rain ASCENDING, not
DEscending?

Cornelius nods excitedly, a chimplike growl of enthusiasm rising from deep
in his throat.

Spock: (raising one eyebrow) a remarkable occurrence, Doctor Cornelius.  Do
you have any theories on the cause of these strange events?

Cornelius: The only way to explain it involves the arising of a new power
source from the forest floor, at the very CENTER of the locus of bizarre and
unnatural weather occurrences.  When I plotted the locations of all the
odd lightning discharges, the "reverse rainfalls," the freakish wind
vortices that come and go at a moment's notice, they all centered on a spot
in the forest about fifty miles northeast of here.  And when I chartered an
airship and flew some biogenic measuring equipment over that location,
BINGO, I measured an energy surge right where I theorized it would exist!

Sulu: What's... BINGO mean?

Spock: Bingo refers to an ancient game of chance, Mr. Sulu.

Kirk: Bingo, Bengo, or BONGO, what could this energy source mean for us?

Cornelius: This energy vortex is growing stronger each day, disturbing the
weather more and more.  I'm worried it could disrupt the natural balance on
Arboria!

Chekov: I'll destroy the energy source, Keptin, in my VALKYRIE warship!!!!

Kirk: Hold your horses, Chekov.  We don't what we're dealing with here as of 
yet.  I thought that the Overlords, like the Great Brain Daggobah, would keep
the world running smoothly, destroying any internal imbalances...

Cornelius: The energy pattern of this vortex, however, bears a striking 
similarity in frequency to the natural energies of this planet, Captain.  I
don't believe that the vortex is "registering" with the Overlords as a
problem.  Yet I believe that is IS a problem!

Spock: This would imply that the energy source has arisen naturally on this
world, and that it might have existed here for many years before gaining
its present power output and degree of influence.

Cornelius: It is my belief, Mr. Spock, that this power source has been
"dredged up" from deep underground by the roots of the giant trees here
on Arboria.  They're growing again, you know, and some of their root hairs
are over fifty feet long.  With this sort of power, they could easily
drag things to the surface which had lain deep underground for countless
centuries.

Bones: And if this power source HAD been deep underground, then any metal
inside it wouldn't have been destroyed by the nanobots, back when Coruscant
became Arboria, right SPOCK???

Spock: Very possibly.  QUITE possible, in fact.

Kirk: Alright, we'll help you.  Scotty, you and Twiggy ready a shuttlecraft
that can withstand the intense temperatures and pressures now existing
on the forest floor.  Chekov, arm the Valkyrie, and can you equip her to
withstand the same harsh environmental conditions, to act as armed 
protection for our landing party?

Chekov: YES, Keptin, I can!  And the weapons will be ready and eager to
be fired, of that I can assure you!

Dramatic music as everyone stands up from their chairs, including the
scotch-wobbly Scotty who looks ghostly pale in his new state of existence.
More dramatic music as they file indoors from the Veranda, while the massive
Enterprise hovers huge and black overhead against the stars in the midnight
sky...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20051228:
Imagine our surprise upon learning that Scotty has most probably "passed
away" in some other universe, in some other version of "reality" besides our
own.  Though he appears almost exactly as he did a few days ago, he has
taken on an oddly pale appearance, and, given the right lighting conditions, 
our chief engineer has an almost "translucent" quality about him.  This
happened to Bones a couple years ago, and I'm guessing it may happen to
more of us in the future.  Will I someday become an ectoplasmic entity,
pale and pasty as I sit on the Captain's Chair?  Meanwhile, some sinister 
force appears to be gaining strength here on Arboria -- one whose central 
energy "nexus" is located only fifty miles away, but which is nonetheless 
causing profound changes in the weather on Arboria.  Scotty and Twiggy have
created a super-strong shuttle hull that can withstand the harsh conditions
now known to exist on the forest floor.  Down there, beneath the crush of
warm, moist air suffused with plant pollens, CO2, and other chemicals, the
temperatures have risen close to the boiling point of water.  Doctor
Cornelius, a remarkably intelligent ape-man from a heretofore unknown race
of ape-men now evolving on Arboria, will accompany us on our expedition.
Chekov has prepped and armed the Valkyrie to follow us to the forest floor.
He'll be eager and waiting to battle the strange force, should it decide
to suddenly attack the shuttlecraft under my command.

Scene opens in the skies of Arboria, above the tree tops but well below the 
huge hull of the Enterprise looming darkly overhead.  The sun has risen,
and white cumulus clouds dot an otherwise richly blue sky.  From the aft
section of the Enterprise hull, we see the hangar deck doors sliding open,
and, within seconds, two smaller craft drop down from the hangar deck.
As the Enterprise's hull seals itself, the two vehicles descend toward the 
camera, soon roaring past the lens with mere inches to spare.  The
Shuttlecraft Galileo is first, followed by the huge, menacing looking
Valkyrie, bristling with guns and missiles, all of her weapons created from
living materials, including her onboard organic-brain computer system.
As both crafts streak by, the camera pans around, and we watch the
vehicles as they slow their ascent and then vanish beneath the uppermost
canopy of forest leaves.  Scene switches to the cockpit of the Galileo,
where Kirk and crew are strapped in.  Sulu is at the helm, with Kirk
strapped in beside him.  Spock and Bones are sitting behind Kirk and Sulu,
and Uhura and Cornelius are sitting in the rear, with Scotty between 
them.  Everyone is wearing brightly reflective silvery suits, complete 
with bubble-shaped helmets and air tanks on their backs.

Scotty: Who would'a ever thought we'd have to wear SPACESUITS on Arboria!  
That's crazy!

Bones: Nothing in our existence ever surprises me anymore, Scotty!  Luckily,
Twiggy was able to fabricate reflective material that didn't contain any
metal, since there's none of that around to BEGIN with!  Otherwise, we'd
be cooked alive down among the tree trunks!

Spock: Captain, sensors are picking up strange energy readings below us,
within ten meters of the location designated by Dr. Cornelius.  The energy
is spread across a wide frequency band, and the intensity is rising and
falling regularly, at a frequency of 0.5 Hertz.

Uhura: I'm sensing it, too, via my ESP abilities.  Something down there
is in a state of chaos, perhaps even hostility.

Cornelius: We have several mystics among us, in my tribe, Uhura, and they
felt the same as you -- that something is down there, and that it isn't
happy!  There's an ancient, primordial feel to whatever intelligence is
growing beneath us...

Beyond the shuttle windows, the landscape is glowing a very rich shade
of green, and the air is becoming hazy with a luminous green fog.  In
the rear view mirror, we can see the powerful, menacing Valkyrie, easily
following every maneuver made by Sulu in piloting the Galileo.  Chekov
is visible inside the warship's cockpit.  He's wearing his own silver
thermal suit, and his stare is dark and sinister.  Pavel is eager and ready
for a fight -- that much is obvious.

Sulu: External temperature has risen to 125 Fahrenheit, Captain.  The
pressure is now at 1.3 atmospheres, and we're still 3,000 feet from the
forest floor.

Kirk: Steady as she goes.  Uhura, please let me know about any odd mental
sensations or impressions you might experience, no matter how ridiculous,
silly, or inane they might seem to be.

Uhura: Yes, Captain.  Right now, I'm feeling a sense of loneliness, of loss,
and of anger because... because...

Cornelius: Because WHAT, Uhura?  We must know what you're experiencing!

Uhura: Because this force once controlled something, but now it feels that
it no longer DOES.  That it has LOST control.

Dramatic burst of music.

Sulu: Now at 2,000 feet.  Temperature at 180 degrees.  Pressure at 2.6
atmospheres. 

Spock: Gaseous analysis results from the sensors indicate that the pollen
here is quite caustic and corrosive, Captain.  A metal-hulled vessel would
be reduced to rust here in a matter of thirty seconds.

An external view shows the Galileo descending toward a mossy, steaming
green world of surreal proportions.  Everything here is huge and glowing,
with individual leaves as large as entire shuttlecrafts and spores the size
of baseballs floating about in the dense, slowly rising green mist.  The
Galileo alights upon the mossy surface, and the whine of the engines
subsides.  Above and behind the shuttle, the Valkyrie hovers, its guns
armed and ready.  Back inside the shuttle...

Kirk: Alright.  Everyone into the airlock, except for you, Sulu.  Stay tuned
to Uhura's ESP signal, and if we get into trouble, you get OUTTA here, you
got that?  Chekov can fight a threat down here a lot better than you in this
shuttlecraft.

Sulu: I wish Pavel didn't always get the war-mongering glory, Cap'n, but
aye-aye, nonetheless.  Good luck to everyone.  The temperature here is 270
degrees, with a pressure of 4.8 atmospheres, so be careful!

The shuttle's occupants clomp into the airlock, each of them grabbing a rifle
from the weapons locker before they exit the main shuttle compartment.
An external view shows the main hatch swinging open, whereupon a small set
of stairs deploy from the shuttle down to the planet surface several feet
below.  Kirk emerges first, his rifle aimed forward, his boots cautiously
finding their footholds on the steps until he stands on the mossy ground.
The others soon join him, and Spock points toward a brightly glowing region
just ahead of them.  We hear him speak over the built-in ESP intercom system.

Spock: The source of the energy is dead ahead, at 42 meters, Captain.

Kirk: Proceed with caution, everyone.

As they walk toward their objective, they each flip down their sun visors,
due to the increasing brightness around them.  At last they stand before a
blazing wall of lime green light, its surface alive with ripples.  Uhura
takes the lead now, stepping forward and vanishing through the opaque,
liquid, bubble-like surface.

Kirk: Uhura!  Where'd you go???

Uhura: I'm in HERE, Captain.  It's okay.  Come on in!

Everyone follows through in single file, and now we're standing inside the 
green "shield" of radiance.  At the center of the two-hundred foot bubble
stands some sort of miniature stone pyramid, brown in color, topped with a 
sharply pointed obelisk.

Kirk: Spock, analysis!

As Spock steps toward the pyramid, a large black opening appears in one of its
four faces.  From inside, glowing lights can be seen.  Scotty steps up to the
pyramid and brushes his hand across the stone surface, exposing some engraved
letters. 

Scotty: Look at THIS, everyone!  It says, "Will, Holly, and Chahka were here."

Dramatic music as everyone tries to figure out who Will, Holly, and Chahka
were, and why they would have engraved such a thing on a dark, sinister
object like this...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20051229:
Here we are, on the forest floor of Arboria, in a seething, noxious
atmosphere so thick you could cut it with a knife.  And down here, amid
the intense pressure and temperature, between huge swirling spores that I 
could swear have fangs, we have come upon some ancient relic, a miniature
pyramid of some sort that Spock has properly said we should term
a "PYLON."  Engraved on the exterior of this pylon is the phrase "Will,
Holly, and Chahka were here."  Who were they?  We're about to enter this 
bizarre and mysterious structure that is the source of the energy causing
weather disturbances on this world.

Scene opens in the green mists of the forest floor, between titanic
tree trunks that are each hundreds of feet in diameter.  Bones is kneeling
down, running his silver-gloved hand over the engraved writing.

Bones: It's strange that such an ancient structure as this, supposedly
buried underground here for millions, maybe billions of years, would have
"English" writing on it!

Spock: But from our previous experiences, we have found, with seemingly
miraculous regularity, that beings on alien worlds speak the English
language, usually with an American accent.

Cornelius: Take ME for example!  Should I be speaking English?

Scotty: It's damn CONVENIENT, though, I'll give ya' THAT much!  Imagine
the trouble o' tryin' t' decipher some alien TRIPE of a language!  We
would'a wasted half an episode... er, I mean, half an HOUR tryin' to figure
out what t' say to each other!

Kirk: The names "Will" and "Holly" sound "earthling" in nature, but I wonder
who "Chahka" was.

Cornelius: CHAHKA... CHAHKAaaaa... I remember that being in ancient
Arborean mythology, actually.  He was a heroic warrior who was given special
powers in the "Great Glowing Temple" and who thereby gained the strength
to slay the evil Sleestaks.  He was a member of the mythical "Pahku" race.

Spock: Perhaps Chahka actually existed, and this pylon served as the "Great
Glowing Temple" in which he derived his powers.

Uhura: But who were the Sleestaks?

Cornelius: Terrifying cave-dwelling creatures, with huge, round, liquid
eyes!  They hissed and shuffled slowly about their cave passages, emerging
at night to capture unwary prey and feed them to the great "god beast"
living in a steaming pit inside their cavernous city!  We STILL shiver
when we see pictures of or hear stories about the Sleestaks!  Strangely
enough, however, the words of Chahka, in ancient legend, spoke of two
"aliens" whom he befriended.  They came through space and time to this
world, and together they battled the Sleestaks.

Bones: CHIM, do you think those two people were from EARTH?  The name 
Holly sure does sound "earthling" to me!

Kirk: Could be... Uhura, any ESP impressions on this subject?

Uhura: None at all, Captain.  It's been too long for me to pick anything
out in this place, any mental impressions left by those who were once
here.

Kirk steps inside the pylon, and the others follow behind.  The interior
is very cramped, with the sloping ceiling of the pylon's roof causing them
to tilt their heads forward and slouch their shoulders a bit.  They're
now standing before a stone pedestal on which a squarish, open-topped
stone enclosure (about 2 feet square) is sitting.  Inside the enclosure,
upon its flat bottom surface, sit numerous glowing colored crystals.
There are perhaps a hundred crystals, arranged in a regular lattice of
rows and columns.  The entire enclosure is humming faintly...

Cornelius: AMAZING!  Just as the ancient scriptures say!  The sacred
crystals, glowing with many colors!!!

Cornelius reaches out a gloved hand and touches one of the crystals.

Spock: I would urge caution in this regard, Cornelius.  Those crystals 
could be--

Cornelius: No worry, Mr. Spock!  Touching them supposedly revitalized one's
own life force...

As he picks up one of the crystals, a distant roar of thunder is heard.  He
sets it back down nervously, then picks up another one.  From outside,
an intense rushing wind blows past the pylon's entrance, until he places it
back in its place, whereupon all grows calm once again.

Spock: Fascinating!

Kirk: First thunder, then wind?  It's like these crystals control the...

Scotty: The WEATHER???

Uhura: I feel that somehow this pylon is connected to a system of "controls"
that regulate how the entire planet functions.

Bones: But Daggobah and Finkeltree never told us anything about such a 
system of "machinery."  Do you think they even KNOWN about this stuff?

Kirk: Uhura, perhaps, when we get back to the Enterprise, you should try
contacting Daggobah and discussing this matter.

Uhura: Aye, sir, that's a smart idea.

Just then, we see Scotty's nose twitching behind his faceplate.  He squints
his eyes and sneezes inside his helmet.  Dramatic music as he lurches forward
during his sneeze, hitting the stone enclosure and knocking at least ten
crystals from their places.  Even more dramatic music as the ground begins
to shake violently, lightning flashes from outside, thunder roars, and 
intense wind and hail are now assaulting the pylon's exterior and the 
surrounding forest.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20051230:
While investigating the interior of a mysterious "pylon" on the
forest floor, Scotty had a sneezing fit and knocked nearly a dozen
glowing crystals from their precisely determined positions and
orientations inside a mythical "control panel" of some sort.
This caused the weather on Arboria to suddenly take a dreadful turn.
We're now cowering inside the pylon as titanic lightning bolts
arc around us, and as hail stones, some of them as big as 
basketballs, fall around us, smashing themselves to bits on the 
ground.  Any second now, I'm sure an F7 or F8 tornado will come
tearing along and spell our doom...

Scene opens just outside the pylon, with lightning tearing the sky,
deafening thunder causing the ground to shudder, and giant hailstones
crashing to the ground.  In the distance, we can hear a growling
rumble, and it has all the tell-tale sounds of a major tornado.
Leaves and twigs are flying about in chaotic winds that assail the
occupants of the pylon as they hang on for their lives to the hewn
stone walls of the pylon's interior.

Kirk: SCOTTY!!! (shouting above the roaring storm)  Do you know how
to replace those crystals?!

Scotty: No, Captain Kirk, I dunno HOW they were positioned!  How
could I o' been so careless??

Cornelius, in a sense of ape-like panic, is shouting and shrieking,
his furry arms flailing hysterically about as he loses all sense
of reality in the rising storm.

Bones: DAMNIT, CHIM!!!!  We won't last long in this storm, and I
fear even THINKING of what's happening to Squirrel City!!!

Uhura: I'm sensing massive ESP disturbances.  The entire world is
crying out for the weather to calm down!!!

Spock quickly grabs the crystals and begins placing them back inside
the stone enclosure.  As he replaces one after another, he
orients each crystal with exacting skill.  Soon, the storminess
begins to abate, until, as he replaces the final crystal, the wind
drops from 100 mph to zero in under a second.

Scotty: Thank GOD for ya, Mister Spock!  Ya really saved the day
with THAT one!

Everyone pats Spock on the shoulder in their gratitude, including
Cornelius, who is calming down and looking embarrassed at his own
propensity for hysteria.

Bones: That's ONE moment when I'm glad you have a photographic
memory, SPOCK!!!!  For once, that logical computer brain of yours
saved the day instead of spoiling it!!!

Spock raises one eyebrow, as everyone looks around at the interior
of the pylon, now that things have calmed down.  Within seconds,
Sulu bends over and picks up a large skull.  We recognize it at
once as an ancient Sleestak skull, with its flat reptilian face,
tiny nostrils, and huge dinner-plate sized round eyes.  The mouth
still contains sharp teeth, and Uhura nearly screams when she sees
the huge face leering at her in the dim lighting provided by the
crystals.

Cornelius: My GOODNESS!  Look at that!!!  A SLEESTAK skull!  I've
always dreamt of seeing a real one of these, instead of just 
reading about them in textbooks!

Spock: And there appear to be strange picture writings on the skull's
exterior.  Doctor Cornelius, can you translate these?

Cornelius: (his "chimp nose" twitching as his eyes widen) I think
I CAN, but only if we take the skull BACK with us and I work on
translating them with the aid of other ancient texts.

Kirk: Spock, do you think that the weather will stabilize now that
you replaced the crystals?  Remember that weather disturbances were
the reason we came here in the first place, but you just placed
the crystals the way you FOUND them, right?

Spock: One of the crystals had been several millimeters "off center"
relative to the others.  I placed it symmetrically with respect
to the surrounding crystals, and I believe that this will cure the
meteorological conundrum created by its displacement.

Uhura: The other question is, if the weather disturbances started
only very recently, then someone must have come down here and moved 

that one crystal, right?  So who moved the crystal?  Who was HERE
before us?

Kirk: Any ESP impressions on the subject?  Any psychic ghosts left
behind by whoever or whatever it was?

Uhura: No, Captain.  I sense only familiar presences around us --
our OWN psyches, Captain.

With that, they file out of the pylon, with Cornelius now holding
the foot-tall Sleestak skull.  After they exit the structure, the 
doorway vanishes as solid rock once again materializes in its place.
That's when everyone hears the sickly hum from the Valkyrie, and
they look up to see that Chekov's craft has been badly battered by
the huge hailstones.

Kirk: Uhura, tell Chekov to get back to the Enterprise!  And we need
to find out how the squirrels are doing!  That was one WHOPPER of
a hail storm!

Chekov: I'm okay, Keptin.  But those hail stones were HUGE, and
I need to make lots of repairs to this vwessel!

Everyone climbs back aboard the shuttlecraft Galileo, which is also
badly dented.  One of its portholes has been smashed.

Spock: We'll have to breathe from our air tanks until we exit the
forest, everyone.  With this window having been shattered, removing
our helmets is something we DARE not do.

Back aboard the shuttle, everyone straps themselves in, and Sulu
fires up the engines.  With much coughing and sputtering, the
shuttle lifts from the mossy forest floor and begins its descent,
the Valkyrie still right on her tail.  The scene switches to the 
treetops of Arboria, where the two craft clear the leaves and roar
past the camera, both vehicles listing to one side and pouring
black, tarry smoke from their engine pods.  Dramatic music as we
watch both craft limping towards the Enterprise, her hull dented
and scraped but already visibly mending itself with Twiggy's power.
Even more dramatic, cymbal clashing, tympani pounding music as
we see Squirrel City, off the distance, where tinny-sounding
"squirrel sirens" are wailing, and columns of smoke are rising 
into the sky.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20060109:
What a DISASTER!  Squirrel City is in a shambles after the short-lived but
horrific storm that struck when we disturbed the crystals in the mysterious
pylon on the forest floor.  The Enterprise hull is under repairs (thanks to
Twiggy), and the shuttlecraft Galileo and Chekov's Valkyrie have been
repaired as well.  But the squirrels aren't so fortunate -- windows are
shattered, markets are flooded, and numerous structures were LEVELED by the
huge hailstones that fell.  Tree branches broke loose in many locations,
flattening huts and storefronts.  Squirrel emergency crews are rescuing many
who were trapped in the wreckage, and Hazelnut General Hospital's emergency
room is overflowing with patients.  I lent Cornelius a pair of wings that
ferried him back into the forest (carrying his ancient Sleestak skull), and
the wings returned to the ship an hour ago.  We've offered our assistance
in rescuing trapped and homeless squirrels, and Uhura is now locating those
in distress with her ESP.

Scene opens in the blue skies of Arboria, where the sun is shining and the
massive Enterprise looms overhead.  Numerous squirrel airships are also
visible, moving about over the treetops of Squirrel City, rescuing those
who were hurt or trapped by the storm.  A brisk warm breeze is blowing,
and the pleasant weather is in stark contrast to the destruction seen below.
From below the Enterprise's hull, we see the shuttlecraft hangar door opening,
and two craft emerge, descending toward the camera.  As they pass, we see
Sulu at the helm of one craft, Scotty at the controls on the other.  The
scene switches to Sulu's shuttle.  Chekov is preparing a small winch with
a series of baskets to be used to hoist stricken squirrels from the treetops.

Chekov: It's too BED that Scotty had to sneeze like that, isn't it?

Sulu: Yeah, I know he feels guilty about it.  But then, how could he have
known that the pylon and the crystals were connected to Arboria's weather?
Finkeltree woke up during the storm, and he appears to have been caught 
off-guard by the existence of the pylon.

Uhura (her voice sounding over the ESP intercom system onboard the shuttle): 
Sulu, there are two squirrels right below you.  One has a broken leg, the 
other a crushed tail.

Sulu: Aye, I'll be in there in a few seconds.

Chekov slides open a door on the side of the shuttle's gondola and begins 
lowering the wicker baskets (filled with small white blankets) toward the
treetops below, countless leaves stirred by the shuttle's engines.  We're
staring down the cable toward the basket, and we see several squirrels poke
their heads up from the leaves.  Two squirrels are holding an injured
comrade, a twig-like splint attached to its right front leg.  A small
white bandage is wrapped around the squirrel's forehead, and its two large
front teeth are visible from a mouth hanging open in exhaustion.  The
squirrels place their friend into the basket.  Once their friend is in the 
basket, they reach down into the leaves and lift free another squirrel, this
one with a kinked, flattened tail.  They place him into the basket and
motion for Chekov to hoist the basket.  Chekov does so.

Chekov: That's IT -- we got TWO of them, Sulu!

Sulu: Uhura, are there any other squirrels very close to our current
location?  I could pick them up before heading the hospital.

Uhura: Those two have pretty low life signals, Sulu.  Please take them to
the hospital as quickly as possible.

Sulu: Aye, aye!

The moment Chekov slides the shuttle door shut (the basket is inside the
shuttle), both squirrels lying motionless but panting for breath, Sulu
cranks up the shuttle's engines, and they're off toward the emergency room.

The scene switches to the Hazelnut General emergency room, where dozens of
squirrels are being wheeled around on gurneys, many of them with bandaged
limbs, blood-stained makeshift dressings, and a host of white-garbed
squirrel nurses, doctors, and EMT's tending to them in a frenzy of
activity.  From beyond the emergency room doors, we can see the shuttle
alighting on their version of a "life flight" landing pad, and EMT's
race out onto a platform nestled among the huge branches of a tree.  
They lift the squirrels from the wicker basket, giving Chekov a "thumbs
up", whereupon the shuttle ascends vertically, bound for more squirrel
rescues.  Scene switces to the Enterprise bridge, where Kirk is listening
to the ongoing rescue operations.  Over the ESP intercom, we can hear
countless squirrel voices, twittering, shouting, etc.

Bones: (over the intercom) CHIM, Scotty and I have just picked up another
six squirrels, and we're straight for Hazelnut.  Have them prepare
several injections of cordrazine, if they have any on hand!

Uhura: I'll relay the information to them, Doctor McCoy!

Spock: (looking up from the blue glow of his sensor readout system)
Captain, it appears that the main Squirrel City reservoir is about
to undergo catastrophic structural failure along its northern wall.

Kirk: Where IS the reservoir?

Spock: Directly ABOVE the center of downtown Squirrel City, Captain.  If
the wall fails, billions of gallons of water will flood the entire city.

Kirk: Who would build a reservoir right ABOVE a city like that?

Spock: Water pressure is gravity-assisted with such a design, Captain,
minimizing the need for water pumps.  At one time, squirrel civil
engineers warned their leaders of this dangerous arrangement, but funding
for reinforcing the reservoir walls was diverted into building a new
Squirrel City sports arena.

Uhura shakes her head in utter disbelief.

Kirk: Twiggy, can you quickly repair some repair materials to shore up the
weakened reservoir walls?

Twiggy: Yes, Captain.  Within ten minutes, I can have some self-generating
vines and planks.  Once they're placed along the weakened wall, they'll 
begin to grow at an amazing rate, weaving themselves among each other to
form a much sturdier structure to hold the water.

Kirk: Twiggy, fly the Enterprise toward the reservoir and prepare to use
as many sets of wings as we have onboard to ferry the reinforcing materials
to the reservoir.

Twiggy: Aye, aye, Captain.

Dramatic music as the Enterprise banks to starboard and heads straight for
a huge reservoir, brimming with deep blue water and shaped like a cup over
a mile in diameter.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20060110:
It appears we arrived just in the nick of time to shore up the walls of the
largest water reservoir in Squirrel City.  If not for Twiggy's fast-growing
plant materials, the walls of the reservoir would have failed, destroying
most of the city in a catastrophic flood.  Uhura has determined that, between
our own efforts, as well as as those of squirrel airships, everyone once
trapped in wreckage created during the Great Storm has been rescued.  Spock,
Scotty, and I have just arrived at Squirrel City Hall to discuss the problem
of the leaky reservoir with the City Council.  It's frequently a problem
venturing into the heart of Squirrel City, seeing as the crew and I are 
celebrities here.  And, having just rescued over forty of them from the
storm wreckage, we're being besieged for autographs.

Scene opens inside a busy office building lobby, with a polished wooden
floor, a vaulted wooden ceiling (about fifty feet tall at the center),
and numerous painted portraits of famous squirrels hanging on the walls.
Hundreds of squirrels are milling about the floor, many carrying brief
cases, others gnawing on nuts while awaiting appointments here at City
Hall.  At the center of the lobby, Kirk, Spock, and Scotty are standing
amid a throng of squirrels.  Each furry gray, brown, black, or white citizen
holds out sheets of paper for autographs.

Kirk: (quickly scribbling out his name on a photo of the Enterprise) I
sure hope we can convince the Council to improve the reservoir.  Who cares
about a sports arena when your city's underwater?

Kirk hands the autograph back to a twittering young squirrel, and just 
then a smartly dressed adult female squirrel approaches them, a clipboard
clenched in her furry paws.

Squirrel: (in a twittery and barely understandable voice) The Council will
see you now.  This way, please.

They follow her through a half-open circular doorway (about nine feet in
diameter -- huge by squirrel standards) into an all-wood meeting chamber
that is carved into a living tree trunk.  The walls are wet with the life
of the tree, which is so huge that this small hundred-foot-wide chamber is
just a tiny hole in its side.  A huge oil lamp chandelier lights the
interior, and eight squirrels sit behind a tall wooden bench.  Each looks
gray and distinguished, some with spectacles perched atop their noses, 
others scribbling down notes as Kirk, Spock, and Scotty approach them.
The squirrel at the center folds his front paws and begins to speak, in
a high-pitched, twittery voice.

Chief Squirrel: I am Mayor Nuthatch, and welcome back to Squirrel City, 
Captain Kirk.  All of us thank you for your help in rescuing those trapped
in the Great Storm.  You've earned the key to the city once again, and we
are forever in your debt.

Kirk: We were happy to be able to help.

Scotty: But I'm sorry I sneezed and caused the whole damn storm in the 
FIRST place!

Mayor Nuthatch: You had no idea about the nature of the crystals and the
pylon -- nor did WE.  We consulted with the great Oracle Finkeltree, and
he also had no idea about this device.  It merits further scientific
investigation, and we must be careful to never disturb it again, lest we
face the consequences.

Spock: We also urge you to more completely strengthen the main city 
reservoir, Mister Mayor.  If its walls had failed, thousands would have
perished in the flood.

Nuthatch: Quite right, Mr. Spock.  And we are now undertaking a huge
reconstruction effort after being so short-sighted.  In the meantime, your
efforts have momentarily improved the situation.

Scotty: Hey, have any of you seen Cornelius?  Did he show you that strange
skull we found inside the pylon?

Nuthatch: Who is this... CORNELIUS of whom you speak?  A squirrel scientist?

Kirk: No, not a squirrel.  He's a walking chimp, from what I can see.  He
speaks well, and he was quite fascinated with the pylon.  He and others of
his kind located the pylon in the first place, by noticing the weather
effects it was creating.

The council squirrels begin muttering and twittering to each other, and
they look quite disturbed.

Nuthatch: CORNELIUS, you say?

Kirk and Scotty nod immediately.

Nuthatch whispers back and forth to the squirrels on his left and right
before speaking again to Kirk and crew.

Nuthatch: Ah, he has changed his name again, I see.  It has been a long
time since we have heard from Convecticus.  We believed he had perished in
the great conflagration that marked the arising of Arboria from the corrupt
world of Coruscant, when the nanobots destroyed the planet-wide city that
had concealed the Great Trees of our world.  He is quite obsessive, and
selfish, always seeking relics and amulets of power for his own ends.  In
the past, his selfish endeavors cost many lives.

Scotty: I'm wonderin' if Cornelius and Convecticus are the same chimps,
Mr. Mayor.  Cornelius seemed like a pretty good fella', and I'm a pretty
good judge o' people... er, I mean, CHIMPS.

Just then, the receptionist bursts into the council chamber, a look of
bewilderment and distress on her face.

Receptionist: Mr. Mayor and Council Members -- it appears that Convecticus
is back!

Nuthatch: (standing up quickly) What do you mean?

Receptionist: He just appeared on ESP-vision, having called a press
conference to announce his return to the Third Level of Power!

Dramatic music as the squirrels, their paws pressed against their heads,
begin scrambling around feverishly, while Kirk, Spock, and Scotty step
quickly from side to side as the councilers run about the room in near
hysteria...  Even more dramatic music as an ESP-vision projection screen
comes to life on the wall of the council chamber, and we can clearly see
Cornelius standing at a large wooden throne, as two other chimps place
the sleestak skull over his head like a helmet, and the skull begins to
glow bright blue.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20060112:
Well, wouldn't ya know it, the self-titled "Cornelius" is actually named
"Convecticus", a glory-seeking chimp who thinks nothing of endangering
others for his own pursuits of power and self glorification.  He somehow
knew about the ancient Sleestak skull, and he believes it represents some
source of power that he can harness for himself.  After Squirrel City
nearly perished in a deluge of biblical proportions, Convecticus is live on
ESP-Vision, touting his new archaeological trophy (the skull).  I'd like
to see the police nab his hairy behind and put him on public trial!  If
it weren't for his selfish ways, we would never have found the pylon in
the first place, nor disturbed the crystals, resulting in the Great Storm
that killed so many precious squirrels!

Scene opens in the skies of Arboria, where a large extra-terrestrial
airborne sailing ship is cruising the skies.  The vessel just arrived 
through the stargate, and numerous banners flap in the wind from her
two hundred foot tall masts.  The Enterprise is visible off in the
distance, and the Valkyrie suddenly becomes visible, leaving the Enterprise
hangar deck.  Within seconds, the mighty craft blazes a thunderous trail
past the camera, and the scene switches to the warbird's cockpit, where
Chekov is glaring angrily ahead toward Squirrel City.

Chekov: I just want to explore the strange weather patterns, Chekov... I just
want to see what's down there, Chekov...  I don't care about storms or
hailstones or floods, Chekov... That COSSACK, Convecticus!  If I had my
way, I'd blast him into bits with this vwessel!  And if they--

Just then, a hailing signal sounds over his ESP monitor.  It's Captain Kirk.

Kirk: Chekov, you're coming in awfully fast.  Take it easy, will ya?  We're
waiting for you on landing platform 4.

Chekov: Sorry I'm flying in so quickly, Keptin!  That fuzz-ball Convecticus
makes me so angry!  He's on ESP-vision, bragging about his new "crown" that
he claims will make him invincible!

Kirk: Does Uhura know his current whereabouts?  From what we've heard, he's
beaming ESP signals directly to the transmitter, but no one knows where he
really IS right now.

Uhura's voice: I think I've found him, Captain.  He's in the middle of
the largest banana grove on Arboria!  It's a huge farm that supplies half
of hyperspace with bananas, plantains, and guavas.

Chekov: Can I just fly there and blow him to bits, Keptin?  Please?

Scene switches to the landing platform, where Kirk, Scotty, and Spock
awaits Chekov's arrival.  The huge bird-shaped vehicle slows its 
approach, then settles down upon the platform with a resonant roar from
her twin turbofan engines.  As the engines spin down, Chekov pops open
the craft's canopy and climbs out, all to the cheers of many squirrels.
Meanwhile, on a huge projection screen nearly a quarter mile away,
Convecticus can be seen, his head covered by the huge Sleestak skull,
its large round eyes glowing with an eerie blue light.

Convecticus: I will return Arboria to its proper place in the new 
Galactic Order!  We will be a paradigm of technology, culture, and POWER
as we once were!

Squirrels begin to boo and hiss at the huge screen.

Convecticus: And now, as a show of my power, I will stop those who would
poison our world, who would taint it with their foreign, impure
influences!  I shall destroy the stargate leading to our world!!!  Death
to the Overlords!  We must purify our planet and protect it from those who
would spoil its beauty!!!

With that, Convecticus raises his furred arms, and the eyes on the huge
Sleestak skull helmet begin to glow more brightly.  Soon, dark clouds 
begin to gather, boiling mad and black from horizon to horizon as the wind
rises and the sun is blotted out.  Kirk and crew stand on the landing
platform, staring into the dark clouds.

Kirk: Uhura, tell that moronic chimp he'd better lay off the climate control
or we'll blast him to smithereens.

Uhura: I can't, Captain! (we hear her voice, but we can't see her 
since she's at her station on the bridge of the Enterprise)  The power
radiating from his skull helmet is interfering with ESP communiations!
I can't even tell you what he's thinking, let alone relaying a message
to him!

Chekov: Tell me where he IS, Uhura!  And Keptin -- let me fly there in
the Valkyrie and BLOW him out of the sky!

Bones: (his voice relayed from the ship via ESP communiations) CHIM, look
at that SKY!  You'd better seek cover, and quick!  What if he calls down
huge hailstones on you?

Kirk: Sulu, get the Enterprise OUTTA here, on the double.  Take her up
above these storm clouds.  Twiggy, maximize hull protection and shielding,
and prepare all self-repair systems.

We see the Enterprise suddenly climbing out of view through the bottom
edges of the black storm clouds.

Scotty: Should you let Chekov attack Convelic...Conlevti... oh whatever
the hell his name is?  That power-hungry CHIMP?

Kirk: Uhura, please relay Convecticus' coordinates to Chekov and the 
Valkyrie.

But Uhura's voice sounds choppy and full of static as the ship climbs 
further away, and huge lightning bolts begin arcing through the sky,
filling the sky with deafening thunder.

Kirk: Uhura, I need those coordinates!

We hear the frantic voice of Uhura, in fits and starts, but no specific
information is audible.

Chekov: DEMNIT, KEPTIN!  I could hev DESTROYED that Cossack!

Suddenly, a small black dot drops beneath the clouds and speeds toward 
them.

Spock: Captain, I believe the crew of the Enterprise is still attempting
to communicate with us.

The dot resolves itself into a pair of wings, clutching a small cylinder.
As the wings descend toward them, a lightning bolt strikes it, causing the
wings to burst into flames.  They fall lifeless to the landing pad, the
cylinder striking the hard surface and shattering.  A piece of paper
floats free of the broken glass, and Scotty runs forward, chasing it
around as gusts of wind carry it this way and that.  Soon, he steps on
the sheet of paper and picks it up, examining it as thunder and lightning
continue to tear the sky.

Scotty: Captain Kirk, here are the coordinates of that blitherin' idiot!

Kirk: Go to it, Pavel!  Take him out!!!  And I don't care how many bananas
you destroy in the process!

Chekov rushes forward with an evil gleam in his eyes, taking the paper 
from Scotty and running for the Valkyrie.  He climbs inside, and the
engines soon roar to life.  Dramatic music as the craft rises into the
sky, just as lightning bolts begin to tear at the large alien sailing ship
struggling to stay aloft against the menacing clouds of Convecticus...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20060118:
Chekov flew off in the Valkyrie, bound for the Banana Groves of Arboria
where he hopes to find and destroy Convecticus, the evil chimp who is
wreaking havoc on this world with a magical, ancient Sleestak artifact.
Because of the vicious storm that Convecticus has summoned, we can't
communicate with Chekov or the Enterprise.  All we can do is WAIT.  In
the meantime, a huge flying frigate is taking heavy damage from 
hail, wind, and lightning, and I hope it doesn't come crashing down upon
Squirrel City!

Scene opens in City Hall, in Squirrel City, where squirrel officials and
citizens are rushing about twittering frantically.  All the while, the
sky is darkening, and the sky roars with thunder.

Scotty: Do ya think that CHIMP can destroy the Stargate, Captain Kirk?
If he does, oh what'll we DO?

Kirk: I can't believe that a chimp throwing a few lightning bolts could
knock out such an advanced technology of the Overlords.  If you ask me,
Convecticus is whistling dixie and doesn't even KNOW he's whistling dixie.

Spock: I wasn't aware of a large native primate population on Arboria.
Convecticus speaks of purging this world of all "outsiders," yet I wonder
if his own species is native to this world.

Scotty: I bet that KOOK wants all the bananas for himself!  The squirrels
were talkin' about exportin' tons of 'em, but that CHIMP is probably worried
he won't have as many as he wants unless he cuts off all trade and all
contact with the rest of the galaxy!

Kirk: Could his reasons be that PETTY?

Spock raises an eyebrow, and Kirk nods slowly...

Kirk: Yes, he probably IS that petty!

Scene switches to a surreal, yellow place -- one suffused with the glow of
a million ripe bananas, hanging in huge bunches from the trunks of
exotic Arborian banana trees.  We are moving slowly among the bananas,
the roll of thunder sounding in the distance.  The camera is miles above
the forest floor, and miles beneath the leafy canopy, the entire scale of
height (from miles below to miles above) painted yellow with bananas.  As
the camera continues to move forward, we round a thick tree trunk and
suddenly see a wooden platform affixed to the trunk.  Convecticus is
standing on the platform, his furry feet spread wide in a sturdy stance,
his arms upraised, the huge Sleestak skull glowing brightly blue.  Many
chimp followers are dancing about him, screaming their chimp shrieks
as they flail their arms hysterically.  While they bow and jump and shriek,
another creature, heavily bound in vines, is lowered from above until 
other chimps (surrounding Convecticus) take the creature and remove its
blindfold, as well as the vines binding both furry hands behind his
back.  This creature is brilliant orange in color.

Convecticus: At long last, Doctor Zayus, you must SEE with your own eyes
my new-found glory!!!!  We, the chimps of Arboria, will at long last rule
the orangutan clans!  Bow down before me now, ME, your new emperor!!!!

Zayus: I will NEVER bow down before you!  You're an ignoramus, obsessed
with magical objects that contain power but not the wisdom to USE that
power!

Convecticus, enraged by Zayus' refusal of adoration, points his hands
toward Zayus, evidently to call lightning bolts upon the frightened but
defiant orange creature.

Just then, as a loud, numbing roar shakes the forest, three chimps near
Convecticus explode violently!  The chimps are torn limb from limb, their
steaming, smoldering remains scattering about with bits of black chimp
fur.  The explosions shake the ground, and then another group of chimps
explode!  Convecticus looks upward into the branches above him, and we
can sense the terror in his eyes even though his entire head is covered
by the Sleestak skull.  He stands there, frozen, unmoving, as the Valkyrie
hovers several hundred feet away and above the platform.  We can see the
evil gleam of two red-illuminated eyes behind the cockpit window of the
Valkyrie, and the large guns on her wings pivot upward and take their aim.
We can now see that only two much smaller guns have already been fired
(they're already aiming at the platform), but the two larger weapons
are impossibly menacing by comparison.

Convecticus (his voice nearly drowned out by the roar of the Valkyrie's
engines, as heat waves shimmer beneath the sleek fighter's turbine
engines): I will DESTROY you utterly for your foolishness!  Die with the
rest of the off-worlders!

Just then, we hear some electronic clicks and pops, followed by a loud 
hiss of static.  From the top of the Valkyrie, a horn-shaped loudspeaker
is rising and aiming toward Convecticus, his fur bathed in a yellow
glow from all those bananas.  On either side of him sit two piles of
steaming, smoking chimp limbs, heads, and bits of torso.  The PA system
crackles to life...

Chekov: (echoing, scratchy voice) When I was a boy, in mother R-R-Russia,
my mother took me to the zoo.  There I saw chimps, and I felt sorry 
for them, being in cages as they were.  They picked parasites off each
other and did other nasty TINGS to themselves while I watched.  And 
now I feel sorry for all the chimps that have followed you.  But there
is one chimp I DON'T feel sorry for.  

Banana blossoms are flying free of the banana trees from the Valkyrie's
stirring, hot exhaust, and a snowstorm of banana flower petals are now
falling, swirling, cascading.  Through that rain of blossoms, between
the silvery, blunt glint of two huge cannons, we see the thin slice of
orange light and two hot ember eyes staring straight through that Sleestak
helmet.  Convecticus, suddenly enraged and trying to stir his followers
into a frenzy, fires a blue-hot bolt of lightning at the Valkryie.  
After a shower of sparks, the Valkyrie still hovers as before, seemingly
unaffected.

Chekov: Keptin, this Banana is for you...

Just then, Doctor Zayus slides across the "worship platform," his furry
feet greased by the slick pulp of splattered bananas that lie among the
charred, fallen chimp followers of Convecticus.  In slow motion, Zayus
"skates" right off the platform's edge, just as Chekov unleashes both
cannons.  Incredibly dramatic, crescendo-style music as a blaze of fire
and light leaps from the Valkyrie, instantly vaporizing Convecticus, the
platform, and a huge section of banana tree trunk with a blinding flash
of light and a thunderous concussion.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20060326:
Chekov, armed to the teeth and piloting his powerful Valkyrie fighter,
blew away the rogue chimp Convecticus (formerly known as Cornelius)
and his closest disciples in a large banana grove on Arboria.  After
eliminating Convecticus, Chekov noted that a large orange orangutan
named Doctor Zayus dove to safety just in the nick of time.  We
believe Zayus to be a good person, err I mean chimp, I mean orangutan.
So Chekov, of his own initiative, descended deeper into the banana 
grove and retrieved Zayus, who was amazingly still alive and clinging 
for dear life from a large bunch of bananas about fifty feet below the 
platform upon which Convecticus had been crowning himself "king" 
before being blown to smithereens.  Chekov flew back to the Enterprise,
and we're all back onboard the ship, where Bones is tending to the
brilliantly orange but gentle Doctor Zayus.

Scenes opens in the Enteprise sick bay, which is now quite advanced,
filled with chemistry sets in which various elixirs and potions are
bubbling away in flasks, and where ten hospital beds are situated,
each of which has a "life signs display system" anchored to the 
wall several feet above it.  Zayus is lying on one of the beds, as
various indicator lights flash and beep, showing his vital signs.
Zayus' clothing is torn and scorched, and several trickles of dried
blood extend from one nostril, his mouth, and his right ear.  Bones
is hovering over him, checking for injuries, when the sick bay door
slides open and Kirk and Spock walk inside.

Kirk: How's Zayus doing, Bones?

Bones: I got him stabilized.  Just 2 cc's of cordrazine, 3 pain pills,
and a good whole-body antiseptic spraying, and he's gonna be fine.

Kirk: That cordrazine is tricky stuff, isn't it?  Wasn't that the
drug you accidentally injected yourself with before you want through 
that time portal and ended up back in the 1930's, on Earth, where 
Spock and I had to find you and drag you back to the "here and now"?

Bones: Yeah Chim, but the cordrazine did wonders for Zayus!  He should 
be coming around any minute now.

Spock: From what we have learned from the Squirrels, Zayus believed 
in the right of ascension of all primates to their rightful place in
society, but he was AGAINST the autocratic form of rule being
espoused by Convecticus.

Bones: Thank God Chekov was able to SAVE him!  He must be one tough
cookie, though, to have clamped onto bananas after falling fifty feet!

Kirk: By the way, that crazy Sleestak helmet -- do we know if Chekov
destroyed it?  It did seem to form a kind of "nexus" of power, and it
would be better for it to have been obliterated in my opinion.

Bones: But didn't Chekov blow Convecticus from here to eternity?
Surely those cannons would have--

Spock: The helmet, however, had a certain amount of mystical power,
and that might have given it some degree of survivability.

Kirk: Twiggy, please ask Uhura if she can still sense any ESP signals
from that helmet.  Perhaps, if it still exists somewhere deep inside
the banana forest, we could find it and destroy it.

Twiggy's Voice: Aye, Captain, I'll tell her to get on it right away.

Bones: How's Chekov doing after his gun-blazing adventure?  Sometimes
his itchy trigger finger really worries me...

Spock: Chekov appears to be fine.  In fact, he appears to have calmed
down emotionally, and, for now, is in a somewhat Zen-like state.

Kirk: Maybe he just needs the release of blowing things up now and
then.

Bones: Back in the old days, Jimmy Boy, he would'a been a pyromaniac,
or a unabomber, or somethin' like that!

Kirk: Well thank the gods for cannons and biogenic weapons.  At least
he appears to hold himself in check until we actually NEED him to
unleash his pathos on the world. (grinning)

Just then, Doctor Zayus begins to stir, turning his head slowly from
side to side as the vital signs indicators on the panel behind
him (including the old-style heartbeat sound made by the monitoring
system on the original starship Enterprise) begin to rise.  His
breathing becomes audible, and his eyes soon open into silvery slits.

Bones: Doctor Zayus... Doctor Zayus, can you hear me?

Zayus: (groggily) went... TOO FAR... (gasp) should not have tried
to (gasp) take over... world...  Had some... right ideas though...

Kirk: Doctor Zayus, can you tell us what happened?  What made
Convecticus become so power hungry?  Why did he--

Bones: Chim!  He's just coming out of a near COMA!  We have to take
it easy with him for a while...

Zayus: (opening his eyes wider, rolling them around, suddenly
appearing much more alert) It's okay Doctor.  I'm feeling a bit more
awake now.  How did you do that?

Bones: (grinning) Just a couple drops o' good ole cordrazine!

Zayus: Cordrazine, eh?  Sounds like the right stuff, if you ask me.
Now, Captain, as to your question about Convecticus -- he started
out with the right idea -- the rights of primates, and rite of
ascendency of our species from the dark forests to the light of clear
day above.  We had been hidden for so long beneath the treetops,
and COnvecticus believed that our time had come.  It HAD come, mind
you, but we should have ascended to become EQUALS to the other 
sentient species.  Instead, he attempted to become emperor of the
world.  What a mistake...

Spock: With your voice, Doctor Zayus, your voice of profound wisdom,
you can resume the work you started out to do, and which Convecticus
attempted to corrupt.  Chimps, orangutans, and gorillas can now take
their righful place here on Arboria.

Kirk: And throughout the GALAXY, too, with the stargates!

Twiggy: Captain, Uhura indicates that she can't sense any ESP output
from the helmet.  So, if it's down there, we'd have little or no
chance of finding it.

Bones: Let's just hope it got blown to bits...

Bones turns and grabs a large flask that was sitting over a bunsen
burner.  He decants a thick, purple liquor into four small shot
glasses.  Zayus raises himself onto one elbow, taking one glass,
while Kirk and Spock each take a glass.  They clink them together
amid sing-songy music, draining the liquor in a toast to "equality"
here on Arboria.  Sudden shift of the camera, as the music fades
from sing-songy to somber and mysterious, as we decend through 
thousands of feet of banana bunches, blossoms, and leaves, only to
alight upon the green-hazed noxious atmosphere on the forest floor,
where the now-dormant Sleestak helmet lies embedded in a bank of
moss...

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20060705:
Doctor Zayus has recovered fully from his injuries, having nearly been 
killed when Chekov opened fire on Convecticus with the Valkyrie's cannons.
We dropped Zayus off at Squirrel City, where he plans to continue his work
of uniting all species, first on Arboria, then throughout the galaxy.
The squirrels, meanwhile, are continuing their repairs on their cities
and damaged airships, after the storm that Convecticus summoned wreaked
all its meteorological havoc.  In examining the ship's ESP log tapes, in
which the general "ESP energy" of Arboria is recorded for future analysis,
she determined that Monozilla, still in dormancy and appearing as a titanic
"black crystalline Godzilla", actually showed some signs of increased mental
activity.  Perhaps, as Convecticus threatened this world's safety, the
Overlords were beginning to awaken Monozilla to restore "law and order"
to this place.  We're now considering where to journey next in the galaxy,
by using the stargate here on Arboria.

Scene opens in the skies of Arboria, where the huge form of the Enterprise
is gliding through a blue sky dotted with white cumulus clouds.  The
camera view moves slowly upward, toward the front of the giant vessel, 
where we see the entire crew standing at the edge of the deck rail that
surrounds the bridge.  They're dressed in their traditional, relaxed
garb of loose fitting pants and tunics.  Scotty is sipping on scotch from
a heavy crystal tumbler, and Bones is methodically working a mortar and
pestle, obviously grinding up some combination of seeds for his latest
medical concoction.

Spock: Our ships's computer now contains all available star charts provided
by the Overlords, showing us all the star systems and planets that are
accessible via the stargate system.  In addition, last night, Uhura and
I downloaded the entire Encyclopedia Galactica, now stored in Twiggy's
memory banks.

Kirk: Good work, Spock, Uhura...  So where should we go next?  At least
a dozen ships a day are arriving here from all corners of the galaxy,
and it's about time we stretched our legs and did some exploring of our
own.

Bones: I think we need some unwindin' time, Jimmy Boy... I could use a
few days o' lyin' on a beach somewhere, getting a tan.

Everyone seems enthusiastic, except for Spock, who is his usual "neutral"
self.

Kirk: That sounds like a GREAT idea!  The only question is, where are the
most beautiful beach babes in the galaxy?

Uhura: I could go for a nearly deserted beach, myself.  Something secluded,
natural, non-commercialized.

Kirk: Oh... (looking disappointed)

Chekov: I could use a beach with very large waves, so I can practice flying
over them at low altitude in the Valkyrie.  It would be good flight
training.

Spock: Several worlds come to mind that fulfill our requirements.  The most
notable of these is Vorchestria, a water-covered world except for a single
large island near its equator.  The waves on this earth-sized world are
typically quite large, due to intense winds and the fact that there is very
little land to impede the growth of the waves, given the prevailing wind
conditions.

Uhura: Is that island deserted?

Spock: Naturalists venture there to study the extensive variety of life
forms beneath the ocean surface, and then there is the ancient monastery of
the Xelphan religion...

Sulu: Xelphan?  I've never heard of that one before.

Scotty: That sounds pretty crazy, if ya ask me.  Who'd build a monastery
on a planet covered with water?

Uhura: They're seeking seclusion, so what better place than on a nearly
deserted island on a water-covered world?

Kirk: Sounds like an interesting place.  I say we head on over and check it
out.  If we don't like it, we can leave whenever we'd like.

Everyone sounds intrigued by the descriptions of this strange new
destination.

Kirk: Alright, that settles it.  Everyone, to your stations.

They file back inside and take their stations on the bridge.

Kirk: Uhura, please transmit our requested destination the stargate.

Uhura: Done, Captain.  We're actually next in line for Stargate traversal.

Scotty: I'm gonna miss Arboria...

Kirk: Well, we can come back here anytime we wish.  That's the beauty of
the Stargate network -- we can go anywhere pretty much instantly!  Ever
since the Overlords sped up the hyperspatial transit system to ten times
its previous speed, journeys from anywhere to anywhere are a snap!

Sulu: Now closing on Stargate, Captain.  Airspeed is now 100 knots, and
I've adjusted our course for optimal stargate trajectory.

Kirk: Steady as she goes, helm.

Chekov: Should I raise shields and power up all weapons, Keptin?  What if
there are enemy vwessels waiting on the other side?

Bones: (rolling his eyes) Chekov, the galaxy isn't full of bloodthirsty
pirates who prowl just outside the stargates, ya know...

Kirk: Chekov, be ready in case of trouble, but let's go for now without
the shields.

Chekov: (sighing) Alright, Keptin, but I'll keep my finger on the trigger
switches, just in case...

Dead ahead, we see an array of four crystals, hovering in a diamond pattern,
suddenly illuminate and glow a brilliant shade of blue.  An area of 
hazy, whitish light begins to glow and shimmer in the area between
the crystals.  Music begins to rise as everyone becomes excited about the
prospects of new adventures on other worlds.

Sulu: Ten seconds to stargate, Cap'n.  Nine, eight...

The music continues to swell, and an exterior view shows the Enterprise
suddenly leap forward, vanishing through the immense portal with a flash
of light and a clap of thunder.  Switch back to the Enterprise bridge,
where, on the main viewer, we see a "tunnel of light" before them, and
the ship is rushing at incredible speed through that tunnel, as a rumbling
noise fills the bridge.  They continue to accelerate.

Spock: Hyperspatial parameters are normal, Captain.  We should emerge in
less than thirty seconds into the skies of Vorchestria.

An exterior view shows the blurred form of the Enterprise, rushing
headlong through this wormhole that allows nearly instantaneous travel
across the galaxy.  The scene then switches to a storm-cloud-filled sky,
where the "exit" from the stargate opens, flooding a dark sky with
a blinding white light.  The Enterprise suddenly emerges from the portal, 
which snaps shut the instant they're clear of it.  Scene switches back
to the bridge.

Spock: We have arrived on Vorchestria, Captain, 56,000 light years from
Arboria.

Dramatic music as everyone peers out the windows and through the bridge
viewer at the churning ocean below.  Impossibly huge waves move like raging
mountains of foam beneath a stormy sky, and strong winds buffet the
ship.  Ice crystals begin to pelt the bridge windows.

Bones: Well, Jimmy Boyyy, so much for sunnin' myself on a warm, tropical
beach.  This place looks a little too forbiddin' for a country doctor like
myself...

More dramatic music as we venture beyond the Enterprise's warm interior, 
where whistling, howling, icy winds tear at the huge vessel, and titanic
tsunami-sized waves roll from horizon to horizon, each capped with a
towering crest of hissing foam.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20060706:
After seeking out a "sun, surf, and fun planet," we have instead found
ourselves in a forbidding, cold, wind-swept world with hundred foot waves.
There is only a single land mass on this world named Vorchestria, which, it 
ends up, is actually one moon of a larger, completely uninhabitable planet.
The land mass we're approaching is basically a "volcanic plug," rising 
over 5 miles above the ocean surface.  At the top of this lump of black 
basalt, a lone monastery stands towering with turrets, walls, and domes.
Its circular windows stare out across the foaming walls of water that
march relentlessly from horizon to horizon.

Scene opens on the bridge of the Enterprise, where everyone is watching
a brief history as recounted from the Encyclopedia Galactica, now stored,
in its entirety, in Twiggy's onboard plant-based "computer" memory.
Twiggy's mellow, male voice is providing the narration.

Twiggy: Vorchestria is the outermost of three moons orbiting the world
of Kaiba, a gas giant planet roughly the size of Neptune in the Sol
system.  Vorchestria is covered, with the exception of a solitary land
mass, by a saline ocean that teems with a variety of species of life.
The land mass was formed over five million years ago after an asteroid
impacted Vorchestria, punching a hole in the moon's crust.  The resulting
volcanic outflow hardened and cooled, and there has been no volcanic
activity for millions of years.  The third planet in this solar system,
Sethia, is home to a humanoid species whose chief faith is Xelphanism,
a 6,000 year old religion based upon the philosophical teachings of Xelphus,
who lived and died before the advent of high technology on Sethia.  
Xelphanism evolved to include two priestly classes, accessible to both 
Sethian genders.  The one priestly class is termed "The Commoner 
Priesthood," and it includes teachers who operate and maintain houses of 
worship on Sethia.  The other priestly class, the "higher" of these two, 
is the "Contemplative Priesthood," consisting of hermits who once dwelled 
in numerous monasteries that dotted isolated regions on Sethia.  When 
technology advanced to the point where interplanetary travel had become
commonplace, Sethians, at their own government's expense, "hollwed out"
a huge monastery from solid lava rock, here on Vorchestria, and established
the Great Monastery of Vorchestria.  After its century-long construction, 
over 2,000 years ago, all members of the Contemplative Priesthood moved 
to Vorchestria.  Sethians who wish to join the community undergo a rigorous 
testing process, and only a select group of 23 monks each year join this 
community of nearly 1,000 members.  From here, the High Priest of 
Xelphanism oversees the philosophical and theosophical evolution of
the faith.

Spock: Constructing the monastery was quite an architectural achievment,
considering the remoteness of this location and the harsh environment.
Living conditions inside the monastery are quite comfortable, and all
"religious treasures" were brought here from Sethia, and now adorn the
halls, chapels, and the central cathedral.

Bones: How do you know so much about this, Spock?

Spock: During our journey here, as well as during Twiggy's narrative, I 
have read and digested nearly 500 pages of text from the Encyclopedia
Galactica concerning this world and its humanoid inhabitants.

Uhura: Where do they get their food and supplies?  I don't see any green
pastures or fields in THIS place.

Spock: All supplies are brought here by interplanetary shuttle.  Electric
power is generated by a fusion reactor system that extracts heavy
hydrogen from sea water.

Sulu: This place sure looks GLOO-my!

Uhura: Captain, I'm receiving a communications signal from the monastery!

Kirk: Put it on speakers.

Uhura: It's in... ENGLISH, Captain...

Dramatic burst of music.

Scotty: Well, would ya' fancy THAT!  Isn't that convenient?

Kirk: I for one am glad to hear they speak English.  That way, there's no
need to use a bulky universal translator.

Chekov: I wish they all spoke R-R-R-RUSSIAN, Keptin!  It's such a
bwootiful language, and much better than English!

Scotty: I still find it amazin' that so many races throughout the universe
speak English, just like WE do!

Kirk: It makes conversation a lot easier, that's for sure!

Everyone shoots each other a nervous glance, realizing that they'd better
change the subject.

Uhura: On speakers now, Captain.

Male Voice: This is Vorchestria Communications, do you read, over?

Kirk: This is James T. Kirk, Captain of the Airship Enterprise.  We come
here on a mission of peace and discovery.

Male Voice: The Great Monastery of Vorchestria welcomes you and your crew,
Captain.  Please feel free to proceed to docking port #2, and there will
be someone there to greet you.  We would like to get to know you and show
you the beauty of this place.

Kirk: Thank you for your hospitality, and we will be at port #2 within
the hour.

Male Voice: We look forward to meeting all of you.

Kirk: As do we.  Kirk out...

Uhura: (looking nervous as she looks at her legs, quite visible from
beneath her skirt) I've never been in a monastery before.  What's it like?

Spock: I studied at several Vulcan monasteries, and they are places of
great contemplation, peace, and reverence.

Scotty: I bet they don't drink scotch in monasteries, though, do they?

Spock: Each monastic culture is unique and should be appreciated as such.

Kirk: Well, they seem friendly enough, and I'll be interested to see around
the place, since I assume, by their invitation, that they'll give us the
requisite tour.  Hey, I wonder if we'll get to meet the High Priest!

Bones: I dunno, Chim!  Be happy what you wish for!  Holy men like that
are usually pretty aloof...

Sulu: I would guess they have a fairly "zen" lifestyle, living in such
isolation.  You might be right, Doctor.

Kirk: Twiggy, can you mind the ship while we're gone?  I think we should 
take a shuttlecraft down there.  It's too nasty out there to fly down on
wings...

Twiggy: Good idea, Captain.  The ship will remain safe, warm, and dry for
your return.

Scene switches to the roof of the giant, angular, black monastery, its walls
jutting from a huge mountain of light-absorbing lava.  Numerous towers,
spires, and turrets rise above the roof, and, as the day wanes toward
evening, some of the circular windows on those towers are aglow with a
warm, orange light.  From above, we hear the roar of engines, and the
shuttlecraft descends from the sky, alighting on the roof.  As the engines
whine down, a large dome rotates into position, from beneath the 
monastery roof.  The shuttlecraft is covered, to protect it from the
elements.  Scene switches to the inside of the hemispherical "hangar"
now containing the shuttlecraft.  Bright lights flood the interior of
the wet, dripping hangar interior.  The shuttlecraft door slides open,
and the entire Enterprise crew exits their craft.  Just then, we see a
black-robed, hunched over elderly looking monk hobbling towards them.  At
a distance of about 10 feet from Kirk, the monk bows quietly.

Monk: I am Brother Mencius, and I welcome you to the Great Monastery of
Vorchestria.

Everyone else bows in return.  The monk has blue eyes -- one clear, the
other hazed over with age and blindness.  He is balding, but his smile
is warm and genuine.

Kirk: Thank you, Brother Mencius.  I'm Captain Kirk, and we're honored to
be your guests.

Kirk then introduces each crew member to Mencius.  With that, Mencius
leads the way out of the shuttle hangar and into an antique-looking 
elevator.  Scene switches to a dark hallway, illuminated along its walls
with glowing yellow lamps, where the elevator door opens and everyone
steps out.

Mencius: It is nearly time for sleep, here on Vorchestria.  And I must soon
go to vespers in the Cathedral, for evening prayer.  But I will show you
to your room, and we will have dinner brought to you.

Kirk: You really didn't have to go to all this trouble, --

Mencius: It is no trouble, Captain Kirk.  We are glad to have you here, and
the High Priest would like to meet you tomorrow morning.  

Bones looks at Kirk with a grin, and Uhura looks a little nervous.

Kirk: We would be honored to meet the High Priest.

Mencius leads them down a long hallway, to a heavy wooden door that he
unlatches with an old-fashioned brass key.  He opens the door, and everyone
follows him inside.  They're inside a well furnished chamber with a 
fireplace burning along one side.  Lamps glow here and there, on small
tables, and paintings hang on the walls.  Connected to this main chamber
are individual smaller chambers, and we can see that each contains a
bed.  At the far end of the chamber, a huge, circular metal "iris" breaks 
the continuity of the dark stone walls.  The iris is perhaps ten feet in
diameter.  Mencius walks over to the right of the iris and pulls a lever,
and the metal iris suddenly dilates with a metallic grating sound.
Dramatic burst of music as everyone gazes through a huge round, dome-shaped
window, affording a dramatic view of the waves thundering against the
lava cliffs, far below, in the glow of sunset.

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20060711:
We slept well and soundly in the Great Monastery of Vorchestria, while,
just beyond the thick, self-heated dome-shaped window of our opulently
furnished quarters, a fierce storm hammered the glass with sleet, hail,
rain, and wind.  We awoke about an hour ago to a gentle knock at the door,
whereupon two monks, one male and one female, wheeled a simple but tasty
breakfast into the room.  In addition, monkly robes were brought to us, 
and after showering, we donned our black, hooded "habits" (what monks call
their robes), and all of our clothing fit us quite comfortably.  Evidently,
wearing habits will make us less conspicuous here as outsiders, and all
visitors from "outside" are asked to wear them while staying here.  At
least we don't have to get "tonsure" haircuts, like many of the other 
monks have...  Our quarters also has a computer terminal, and we've been
learning a lot about the monastery and about the history of the monks' home
world of Sethia.  Meanwhile, Twiggy has ascended to 40,000 feet in the
Enterprise, to avoid the worst of the storm.

Scene opens in the warmly lit chamber with everyone sitting on one of two
large brown leather sofas, directly in front of the large circular window,
beyond which black and gray clouds swirl and rush through the sky.  Objects
sitting on the coffee table (an ornamental globe of Sethia being one of
them) "hum" slowly around the tabletop as successive thunderous waves crash 
against the lava cliffs.  The computer terminal is displaying holographic
images just above the tabletop, and Spock is sifting through the many
bits of data (text and pictures) hovering above the rich mahogany colored
coffee table.

Spock: FASCINATING, Captain!

Kirk: (tearing his glance away from the hypnotically intense weather) What
is it, Spock?

Spock: For some reason, this moon was spared in the attack of the nanobots!

Dramatic burst of music.

Chekov: PerHEPS there wasn't any metal here to start with, Meester Spock.

Spock: There are large iron deposits beneath the monastery, and all metallic
items inside the monastery were unharmed by the nanobots.  The home world
of Sethia was NOT spared, however.  The destruction of most of their 
space shuttle fleet, used to resupply this moon with food and other goods,
nearly resulted in the starvation of the monks.  

Bones: How did they avoid starvation, Mister Spock?  Wasn't it a span of
nearly a YEAR before most planets figured out ways around not having metal
ships anymore?  At least that's what I've read in the Encyclopedia Galactica!

Spock: Their food stores here sustained them for roughly six months, but I
can find no documentation in this computer that explains the next eight
months, when this computer indicates that shuttle flights resumed, using
slower but more efficient vessels.

Scotty: I wonder if they whiled away the hours sippin' on a little somethin'
they might'a distilled on their OWN!  I know that's what I would'a done!

Just then, a knock sounds at the door.  Kirk gets up, walks over, and opens
the door.  A middle-aged man and woman, both wearing black habits with
gold chains around their necks, are standing just outside the doorway.

Kirk: Good morning to you.  Please come in.

The man and woman follow Kirk into the room, and the woman closes the
door behind her.

Woman: I am Majee Illya, and this is Majee Rooshon.

Spock quickly stands up and bows to both of them.

Spock: I am honored to meet you.  Captain, the Majee are the priestly 
council of Xelphanism.  There are twenty Majee, who, when the previous 
High Priest passes away, vote on a new High Priest from among their ranks.

Illya: I see you have been reading and learning more about us, Mister
Spock.

Rooshon: We are honored that you seek to know more about our community.  We
were hoping that all of you might be interested in attending morning
prayer in the Great Cathedral.

Kirk: We would be delighted to.  Thank you.

Spock: Majee, if I might ask, how did you cope with the period following
the exhaustion of your food supply and the resumption of shuttle flights
from the home world of Sethia?  I realize that you cannot grow food here,
considering the harsh climate.

The Majee look at each other, and peaceful smiles appear on their faces.

Illya: It was a miracle, given to us by God.  You see, as our food ran out,
we became tired and sleepy.  We all went to bed...

Rooshon: When we awoke next, a supply shuttle was landing on the Monastery
roof.  They thought we had died, since we had fallen completely out of
contact with the home world the moment that we all fell asleep.

Uhura: You mean you slept for months straight?

Rooshon: Yes, we slept for over 8 of your months.

Another dramatic burst of music.

Kirk: And your race doesn't ever enter a state of hibernation?

Illya: No, Captain.  We are like you -- we sleep for only part of one day
before awakening again.  It was a miracle, in which God lulled us to sleep,
to keep us alive until the shuttle returned with food and supplies.

Bones: That's INCREDIBLE!

Spock: This explains why I cannot find any historical records from that
period.  No one was recording history because everyone was... asleep...

Illya: The second miracle, however, was that ours was the only world spared
the great invasion of the nanobots that destroyed technically advanced
societies all across the galaxy.

Rooshon: As you can see, this offers much evidence toward a miraculous,
divine validation of our faith.

Uhura: I agree with you!  After all, the nanobots weren't aware of your 
religion, so why would they have spared you, were it not for some divine
intervention?

With that, Kirk and crew follow the two Majee down the hallway after closing
the door to their quarters behind themselves.  As they walk down many dimly 
lit hallways, soft, peaceful gregorian chant music is playing, and soon
they enter a very wide corridor, with a tall arched ceiling (over a hundred
feet tall) made of the same black basalt that composes the rest of the
monastery.  Ahead, at the end of this corridor, they see a massive arched
doorway.  As they pass inside it, dramatic, mystical sounding music rises
to a crescendo.  They are standing now inside the Great Cathedral, made of
solid black stone, light by huge multi-tiered gas-flame chandeliers.  The
architectural style is generally gothic, with very little decoration or
adornment.  The ceiling is over a thousand feet tall, and a gigantic dome
arches far above a large throne on which the black-garbed high priest is
sitting.

Illya: (whispering) follow me, please.

Continued gregorian chant music as Kirk and crew draw their black hoods over
their heads and follow Illya into a set of choir stalls, arranged in 
concentric circles on the cathedral floor around the High Priest's central
throne.  Sudden injection of a bit of slapstick music (with gregorian chant
still in the background) as Chekov plays a joke from behind Sulu, by stepping
on Sulu's left heel, thereby causing Sulu to get "a flat tire."

***************************

Captain's Log, Stardate 20060711:
Wow, we're really getting the royal treatment here on Vorchestria!  After
showing up as "unbelievers" in their Xelphan faith, we've been put up in
the VIP quarters at the monastery, and we're now being shown around the
place by two Majee (Majee are only one rung below the High Priest).  I'm
making this log entry by ESP link to the Enterprise, since all of us are
currently seated inside the Great Cathedral, for morning prayers.  What
has astonished us is that two seemingly miraculous events have occurred here
in recent history.  One is that this is the only world known to have been
spared attack and "de-metalization" by the nanobots, released by Doc
Finkelstein years ago on Coruscant.  The other is that, once the monks'
home world of Sethia had been attacked by the nanobots, and the monks weren't
able to receive any resupply shuttle missions for well over a year, they
entered a kind of spontaneous hibernation to avoid starvation.  This sleep
lasted for eight months, during which time they neither ate food nor drank
water.  What does this say about this place, and these people, and this
faith?  Is this proof of God's existence?

Scene opens in the dimly lit cavernous interior of the Great Cathedral, 
where Kirk and crew sit in a row of ornate carved very heavy wooden choir
stalls.  They're all wearing the black habits (robes) of the Xelphan monks,
and their hoods are drawn over their heads.  The monks, both male and 
female, are all chanting in a hauntingly musical way that sounds very
similar to gregorian chant.  Meanwhile, Sulu and Chekov are fidgeting in
their seats, as they continue to have a minor scuffle over the "flat tire"
that Chekov gave Sulu during their entrance into the cathedral.  Then,
the High Priest, an elderly man with a long, grey beard, stands from
his throne and draws back his hood, revealing a head only thinly haired
in gray.

High Priest: (his voice echoing throughout the titanic cathedral) We,
the monks of the Great Monastery of Vorchestria, welcome our visitors from
the beautiful world of Arboria.  We hope their stay here is a pleasant one,
and that they can achieve some enlightenment by our example, and by the
fruits of our prayer and our labor.

Kirk and crew feel a thousand sets of eyes turning to them, and Bones looks
around nervously, his wide eyes darting about as he tries to not show his
uneasiness in this near silence.

Kirk: (whispering to Spock) How does he know we're from Arboria?

Spock raises an eyebrow, and then we hear the voice of Uhura, spoken via
ESP from her mind.  All of the Enterprise crew can hear her.

Uhura: The High Priest must have ESP as well.  In fact, if he does, he's
probably hearing what I'm saying right now.

High Priest: We offer the miracles of Vorchestria to our visitors as divine
approval for our faith, our retreat from the world to this Monastery.  May
they carry word of these miracles throughout the galaxy on their travels.

Kirk leans over to whisper to Spock until he notices Majee Rooshon
leaning forward and staring at Kirk to discourage any "chatter" during
prayer services.  Kirk straightens up with a discouraged look on his
face.  Rooshon returns his gaze to the High Priest, who has just finished
his address and is reseating himself on the gigantic wooden/golden
throne, sitting on a raised black stone platform at the Cathedral's center.

Uhura: (via ESP) It looks like we're going to have to behave while we're
here.  No talking in church, and no stepping on each other's shoes.

Camera switches to Chekov's face, as he suppresses a grin, and we hear
him laughing (with an echo-like quality) via ESP.  But then we see Kirk get
an odd look on his face.  He leans a little forward and looks to his
right.  As the camera aims past Kirk, it changes focus to reveal a haggard
looking old man who is staring through cataract-hazed eyes toward Kirk.
His face is long and thin, the irises of his eyes a milky blue color,
with lots of white stubble on his cheeks and chin.  As Kirk looks at him,
the strange figure pulls back with a jerk, just as the monks resume their
musical chanting.  We suddenly hear an urgent, airy whisper, via ESP, 
as we watch Uhura's face.

voice: (wheezing male voice, speaking with a think Transylvanian accent) 
you should never have COME here!  You are all in grave DANGER!!!

(burst of ominous sounding music)

Uhura leans forward and looks toward the old man who was staring
at Kirk, now staring momentarily at her, too.  Once again he leans back
out of view, and Uhura gets a very worried look on her face.  The scene
switches back to the Enterprise, where we see Twiggy's vines, extending
from the ceiling of the bridge, steering the large ship's wheel on the
Enterprise bridge.  Some classical music is playing in the background 
(one of Bach's Brandenburg Concertos -- with a light, cheerful melody),
and tiny ice crystals pelt the bridge windows as Twiggy's branches
turn the wheel slowly this way and that, all the while Twiggy's calm
voice hums softly to the music.

Scene switches back to the Cathedral, where Kirk and crew are following 
the monks from morning prayer.  Majee Rooshon is leading them, and he slows
to turn around and address them.

Rooshon: At this time, High Priest Melshon wishes to see you, in his
chambers high atop the Monastery.  There, you can enjoy tea together and
speak as openly as you wish.  And please don't chat during prayers in the
future.

Kirk: We'd be honored to meet him, and please lead the way.  Ah well, as
for talking in church, I was always causing trouble as a kid back in 
Iowa during Sunday services...

Rooshon grins patronizingly and turns, leading them down the tall-ceilinged
stone corridor until they reach a side hallway, branching off to the right.
He leads them down this much narrower corridor, and soon they reach an
elevator.  They all cram inside the creaky elevator, and Rooshon slams shut
the metal door (like a piece of a cage), causing everyone to jump.

Rooshon: This lift is an old one -- quite rusty and creaky, as you can
see...

He pulls a lever inside the left, and they begin to ascend -- slowly at
first, and then with increasing speed.  Soon it slows to a stop, and they
exit the elevator into a dimly lit chamber before a huge black wooden door.
Rooshon passes has hand over the door knob, and it clicks open.  He 
opens the heavy door (about four or five inches thick, about eight feet
tall, and five feet wide) with a loud creak.  He then ascends a spiral
stone staircase, and everyone follows behind him.  After Sulu has passed
through the door (the last one in line), the door swings shut with a loud
thud, echoing throughout the staircase.  They reach the top of the stairs,
and Rooshon knocks on a much smaller door, this one only three feet wide
and sharply peaked at the top.  The door unlatches and swings open, and
there we see High Priest Melshon, his hood lowered, his head mostly
bald except for a tonsure of graying hair.  He looks wise, and his green
eyes are piercing.  He smiles and waves them in.

Melshon: (wheezy sounding voice) Enter, please, and welcome to all of you.

They file inside, the door closing behind them.  They're now standing inside
a circular chamber about forty feet in diameter, with a peaked ceiling 
height of twenty feet.  Windows, 10 feet tall, line the outer perimeter of 
the chamber.  Gas flames burn in the multi-tiered ceiling chandelier, and
a large wooden desk sits near one wall.  A fire crackles in a fireplace
beside it, and paintings of past High Priests, as well as beautiful scenes
from Sethia, adorn the walls.  Melshon motions for them to sit either on
a large leather sofa or on one of four comfie, overstuffed chairs.  Just
then, a large grandfather clock chimes musically.  The chimes meld into
swelling dramatic music, as the camera moves outward through a window,
and we're now immersed in heavy wind and blowing ice crystals, with the
thunder of pounding surf in the distance.  Kirk and crew are over a thousand
feet above the base of the Monastery, in a tall, sharply pointed black 
tower with warmly glowing windows (from the chamber we've just departed).
The music slowly becomes darker, more brooding, as we descend smoothly,
eventually landing on a small roof on a far wing of the Monastery, where the
strange, cataract-eyed old monk (who was staring at Kirk in the Cathedral)
is peering through a small brass telescope at the top of the tower.  He 
lowers it, as ice peppers his habit with bits of white.  He looks worried 
for them, as he turns and hobbles toward an open door on the roof, just as 
lightning flashes and thunder booms...

***************************

THE END (SO GO AHEAD AND READ PART 24 ALREADY!!!!)