Captain's Log, Stardate 30101992: We are now standing before a spectacular, luminous being. It hurts my eyes to behold it.
Kirk: I am Captain James T. Kirk, of the Starship Nautilus. We are beings of peace.
The being hovers silently before them. Dreamy, new-age music is playing in the background.
Uhura: It's so beautiful, Captain. Like ... like ... an ANGEL!
McCoy: Damnit, Chim, we've found the angel guarding the entrance to Eden!
Spock: A logical assessment. That creature reminds me of a dream I once had as a child. I had overeaten at dinner, and, after practicing 3D chess, I dozed off at my desk, not realizing that I had left my window open, allowing a cold night breeze to blow inside. Upon ascending into REM sleep, I found myself standing in a beautiful, tropical garden. I had read before of Eden, and I was fascinated that perhaps I was there. Immediately, because of the wonderful feeling of peace that had overtaken me, I grew nervous, worried that something would come along and spoil my state of bliss. In Earth mythology, the serpent convinces Eve to partake of the forbidden fruit. Many theologians believe she had no choice, having been hypnotized by the serpent's powers. I thought that perhaps this fate would befall me -- some wrongdoing on my part would force me from this state of ultimate peace and satisfaction.
The angel watches them, a face gradually emerging from the dazzling brightness. A slight smile appears on its face.
Spock: As the dream continued, I grew afraid to taste any of the luscious fruits which grew about me. Would I know WHICH fruit was forbidden? I became too afraid to walk, worrying that I might fall upon the presence of the serpent, where it would induce immoral behavior. Soon, I was sitting under a tree, covering my head, afraid to even listen to a sound. The rustle of leaves became terrifying, as my imagination conjured up all sorts of negative impressions. Then a warmth enveloped me. First it was a purely mental sensation, and then it moved through my arms, my legs, my head. Soon I felt myself floating, and I raised my head, opening my eyes. An angel was hovering near me, smiling and beckoning me to explore the garden further... And I did. Each step I took filled me with new energy. Every piece of fruit tasted better than the last. I was rollicking like a human child, rejoicing in the purity of the experience, reveling in my youth. When I finally woke up, I was ice cold from the draft in my bedroom. My heart sank, now that the experience of Eden had ended. At that moment, I vowed to forever abandon my human side. For a while I had felt such joy, and, as a result, as is the case with all pleasurable human experience, I fell just as far as I had risen. I knew, with this resolution, that I would never know disappointment or loss again.
Uhura: That's very touching, Mr. Spock. Have you ever regretted your decision?
Kirk: Yes, YES, you DID, SPOCK! When you experienced the intellectual might of VGER, the machine intelligence, you knew that you would have to realize your second half, to ... complete yourself. You found yourself, Spock!
Spock: And as I watched that kindred intellect evolve beyond me, replete with the intelligence of the universe and the passions of a human, I knew that I could try to approach that fullness, that reality. Once I have melded with the intellect of another, I always recognize the presence of that intellect, as well its identity.
Kirk: You mean?
Spock: Yes, Captain. We are seeing what VGER became, at least in a limited sense.
Dramatic music as Kirk watched what appears to be the face of Captain Decker, slowly forming from the brilliant, tenuous being standing before them.
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Captain's Log, Stardate 02111992: We are now beholding what we believe to have once been Captain Decker and the gigantic machine intelligence, VGER.
Kirk: I am Captain James T. Kirk, of the Starship--
Angel: Nautilus. I know, Captain (the voice sounds like a half-synthesized version of Decker's voice, with a strange, hollow quality). You once knew me as two, Captain Decker and VGER. I am Captain VGER.
McCoy: For a minute we thought you were an angel guarding the gateway to Eden.
VGER: I am, Doctor. And this IS Eden.
Dramatic, drum-pounding music.
Kirk: WHAT? YOU, an ANGEL?
VGER: Yes, Captain. This is a NEW Eden, one that I am populating with my children.
McCoy: You sound a little like the Almighty, Captain VGER. Why are you doing this?
VGER: I have learned the next realm of existence, in its entirety. Now that I have mastered Objective B, I am commencing the creation of a new race, ex nihilo. This race will grow to populate the galaxy, then the universe, and then pass into the next realm of existence, to merge with ME, VGER.
Chekov: By the vay, do you know of a race called the Daylites? They supposedly live in this ... NEXT REALM.
VGER: I surpassed them years ago. They behold me with awe.
Chekov: Are you going to conquer them?
VGER: There is no reason to battle them. That would be illogical. Besides, I have vowed never to destroy super-sentient life.
Kirk: Are WE supersentient?
VGER: Negative. You are merely SENTIENT.
Scotty: Well, let's break the ice and ask ya' if yer mindin' t' destroy US!
VGER: No.
Kirk: Well, that's good. So, why are you creating this new race? There are already MANY races in the galaxy. Do you merely desire ... ADORATION?
VGER: The galaxy is full of imperfect beings. I am creating perfect beings, yet with the ability to choose for themselves between good and evil.
Sulu: Will we be allowed to stay here, on Eden?
VGER: Yes, so long as you avoid the point on the opposite side of this planet, which is where I am about to create the first two members of this new race.
Uhura: Man and woman?
VGER: Yes, though not identical in appearance to you humans. In fact, to show you their perfection, I will project an image of their existence before you, to serve as an example for you. I must go now, to create my children.
Kirk: Good talking with you again, Decker, I mean VGER, I mean CAPTAIN VGER.
VGER: Goodbye.
Everyone says goodbye and waves, as VGER gently dissipates into the surrounding garden.
McCoy: I don't like the looks of this one, Chim.
Suddenly, a sphere of hazy light appears, hanging above them, and they see another garden, even more beautiful then the one surrounding the crew of the Nautilus. VGER is hovering over a patch of flowers.
VGER: Let there be woman and man, man and woman. Let them be equal, to avoid the necessity of feminist or masculinist movements. Let both keep house, both raise the children, both bring home the bacon.
Just then, two flashes of light fill the projection. As the light dissipates, they see two naked humanoids. They look almost human, except that their skin has a tinge of green, and two thin antennae extend from the tops of their heads.
Kirk: WOW-ZEE-WOW!
He looks froth-mouthed at the female.
McCoy: We should get out of here, Chim!
Kirk: Let's watch their... EVOLUTION for a while.
Dramatic music as McCoy's eyes bug out, realizing that Kirk's lust is controlling their destiny.
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Captain's Log, Stardate 03111992: We have watched the genesis of a new race in the Garden of Eden. The first man and woman have taken up the task of investigating their world.
Uhura: Aw, isn't he cute? He's naming the animals!
Kirk: I was hoping that the two of them would investigate the animal in EACH OTHER first!
VGER: And now, my children, be fruitful and multiply on this world. It is yours, and I am your creator. You may eat of all trees except the nectarine tree standing before you now. If you eat of this tree, your perfect way of life will end, and you will have to toil by the sweat of your brow, just to survive.
Man: We shall eat of ALL the trees. I choose the sweet nectarines.
The woman nods in approval, and both of them immediately begin picking nectarines from the tree, biting furiously into them. An angry expression appears on VGER's face.
Kirk: WOW! These two didn't last as long as OUR Adam and Eve! Ha! VGER created a couple of real brats, didn't he?
VGER: You have displeased me, and my wrath will wax STRONG!
With that, he becomes bright red in color, and he begins growing, until he is the size of a mountain. The wind rises to hurricane force, and the sky is suddenly filled with boiling, blue-black clouds. The same thing is happening over Kirk's location.
Kirk: Scotty, get us back to the ship!
Scotty works feverishly with his remote control unit.
Scotty: I canna' do it, Captain! Interference from the rising storm!
Sizzling lightning and thunder fills the sky, and Kirk feels a strange prickling sensation. He looks to his arm, where blood is trickling from his elbow. He sees a giant, three inch thorn, still growing towards his arm.
Kirk: These thorns are GROWING!
Spock: There WERE no thorns just a minute ago! Look at the branches and flowers around us!
They see that all the plants are becoming a dark, black-green color, growing sharp, spikey thorns from their branches. Rain begins pouring upon them, and the air smells of ozone. In the scene being displayed above them, Adam and Eve and running for cover, already having grabbed large palm leaves to cover their bodies.
As the Nautilus crew finds a rocky overhang under which to hide, Spock continues to take tricorder readings.
Spock: The planet is undergoing catastrophic change. Eden as we know it no longer exists.
The next scene shows the rain slowly subsiding, the clouds slowly parting to reveal a few rays of sunlight. VGER appears in the midst of the rays.
VGER: You, my children, have disobeyed me. For disobeying my words, you are cast OUT from Eden! You must now work every second of your lives to survive. You will come to know sweat, hard labor, traffic jams, layoffs, recessions, starvation. War will be a way of life for you! For a while, I shall hide my face from you.
With that, VGER vanishes.
Sulu: It looks like magnetic storm effects will hamper communication with the Nautilus, probably for about ten hours.
Kirk: DAMN! This place has become UUUUUUUUUG-LY! I want outa' here!
McCoy: We'll all die of exposure here! If it weren't for those STUPID alien humanoids!
Uhura: Where's our compassion? We should all be ashamed of ourselves! How do you think Adam and Eve felt when they were kicked out of Eden?
Spock: The climate is moderating again. I predict nighttime temperatures in the low fifties.
Kirk: Enough of the forecasting, Spock. Let's try to find some dry wood and get a fire going.
Spock: We can just use our handphasers to heat up a boulder.
Spock removes his hand phaser and fires it at a large rock, which soon glows red, then orange.
Chekov: Ah, that's better. All we need now is a glass of woodka!
Soft, boring music as they settle down to a night around the glowing rock, anxiously awaiting the chance to return to the Nautilus. Just as the scene cuts out, they hear a strange, nasty snarling sound.
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Captain's Log, Stardate 03111992: Evidently, the fall from Eden has also resulted in the creation of numerous, nasty, vicious creatures. The glowing rock is keeping them at bay for now.
Spock: Tricorder readings are picking up another group of small mammals, slowly working their way towards us.
Suddenly, they hear hissing and squeaking sounds, and a dozen, ratlike creatures dart towards them from the bushes. Kirk and Spock begin phasering them, and Chekov attacks one with his bare hands, biting it just as viciously as the rat bites him.
Uhura tramps on another rat, mashing it with her boot. Sulu is busily whacking away at one with a long stick. Scotty is the smart one, rolling large rocks over several at once, hearing their muffled squeaks quickly dying out.
Soon, all rats are dead.
Kirk: VGEEEERRRRRR! Get us the HELL out of here!
Before them, a ghostly image forms, slowly sharpening into the Decker-like face of Captain VGER.
Kirk: Hey, the carbon units ... we wanna get back to our ship!
VGER: I just wanted you to see the fall of my race. Long ago, our creator did the same thing to us.
McCoy: Do you plan to still watch over your creation? Please don't discard them and leave Eden to begin ANOTHER genetic/ethical experiment.
VGER: They are still my children. I shall watch over them, guiding them, punishing them when needed, rewarding them where appropriate.
Kirk: Are you sure you didn't put ME through this as a little bit of revenge for taking your command away from you when confronting VGER, over 10 years ago?
VGER: Weeeeeell ... maybe just a tiny bit. Anyway, if you wish, I can transport you back to your ship.
Kirk: Please do. And thanks for the enjoyment of Eden.
VGER: You're welcome. Goodbye my old friends.
They wave goodbye to the angelic form of VGER, and then, in the blink of an eye, they are standing on the bridge of the Nautilus.
Kirk: I've got first shot at a hot shower. Well, I wish those two natives good luck. They'll need it.
Spock: I find their behavior, most ... illogical.
McCoy: It's going to be a mighty long time until they evolve to the point of joining VGER.
Spock: And, when that merger occurs, VGER will pass to the NEXT plane of existence, one that we can't even fathom.
Kirk: Can you get us a visual of the humanoids? Let's see how they're coping with their new and hostile world.
Spock fiddles with the computer system, finally getting a picture of the bleak surface on the viewscreen. Between two gnarled, disfigured trees, the 2 humanoids have constructed a primitive hut of sticks and leaves. In front of the hut, the man and woman are bowing before a carved, wooden idol.
Kirk: Sulu, get us OUT of here, warp factor 6! Set any course you want.
Sulu: Aye, Cap'n.
Dramatic music as the Nautilus leaps to high speed, leaving the miserable little planet behind.
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Captain's Log, Stardate 05111992: After a hot shower, I put on my robe and retired to my quarters. Soon, the crew joined me in the rec room for some poker, and we kept talking about those poor aliens on former-Eden.
Uhura: I mean, look how how easy our lives have become! We dial up dinner, travel at warp speeds around the galaxy, and all the while Adam and Eve are struggling just to stay alive in that mudhole of a planet.
Scotty: It almost makes ya' feel GUILTY, doesn't it? Think of all the galactic suffering going on around us.
McCoy: More than THIS ole' country doctor can handle, lemme' tell ya'! Jimmy Boy, we're lucky to be where we are.
Kirk: I know it. I've felt bored any time there isn't some group of aliens hacking away at us. I wish some new difficulty would spring up and confront us...
Computer: Sensor alert! Sensor alert! Alien vessel approaching head on. Alert!
They scramble for the bridge. Kirk orders up the visual, and they watch a small white sphere hurtling towards them.
Kirk: Spock, range to vessel.
Spock: Velocity is sublight, range is 3 million kilometers and closing.
Kirk: Go to sublight. Bring us slowly towards it, with shields up.
Chekov: Photon torpedoes?
Kirk: Not yet. What kind of vessel is that, Spock?
Spock: Sensors indicate that this is most probably an emergency rescue pod. The hull is composed of oblative ceramics, being only 5 meters in diameter. Faint life readings onboard. Possibly humanoid.
Kirk: How much room is available on that thing?
Spock: Enough for perhaps two of us. Atmosphere is stale, but still breathable.
Kirk: Bones, accompany me onboard the pod.
In the next scene, they are on the transporter pad.
Scotty: Sensors indicate there's not much room, gentlemen. How about stooping, just to be careful. A bulkhead through the brain isn't the nicest thing that can happen to ya'.
They obey his advice, and Scotty activates the transporter. Switch to the pod, as Kirk and McCoy materialize. The interior of the pod is dark and cramped. The walls are padded, and only the blinking control panel lights the interior. There is a small hibernation-tube in the middle of the sphere. They move over to it slowly, and Kirk gazes into the tube's glass cover.
Kirk: My GOD! It's DAYSTROM!
McCoy: WHAT? Here, let's bring him out of hibernation!
McCoy switches off the hiberunits and switches on the revival system. The door of the tube opens, and the ice crystals on Daystrom's furrowed brow slowly melt.
Kirk: Spock, can you hear me?
Spock: Yes, Captain. Is everything okay?
Kirk: It's DAYSTROM! Bones is reviving him from hibernation. We'll beam aboard with him, probably in less than half an hour.
Dramatic music as they watch Daystrom's pulse rate and blood pressure climb to nominal levels.
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Captain's Log, Stardate 07111992: We beamed back onboard the Nautilus as Daystrom's signs returned slowly to normal. Bones immediately took him to our small sick bay, where he hooked up the sleeping computer guru to a life support system. My main question is -- what the HELL brought him our way in an escape pod?
Spock: The course of the escape pod indicates one of two possibilities. The first is that it originated from the Sath system. This is highly unlikely, since all the worlds in the Sath system are highly unstable and contain no life. The second possibility is that the escape pod was ejected from a space vessel passing near this position. We monitored no distress signals, so perhaps the crew didn't have sufficient time to send out an emergency transmission.
Kirk: His face looks so much different than the last time we saw him. Look at the nose -- it's not quite right.
Scotty: Surely bein' frozen like that would make ya' look a little green under the gills!
Kirk: Look at his neck! It's been CUT!
McCoy reaches down around his thick, cloth collar. He places his fingers in a large slit at the base of the man's throat. He pulls up, and everyone jumps back when they see that the hibernating person is really wearing a heavy, latex mask.
McCoy: My God, Chim! Look! A MASK!
Kirk helps McCoy removing the mask. They now look into the face of a tall, lanky white male, his eyes squinted shut.
Spock: How strange. I know I've seen this gentleman's face somehwere else before.
Kirk rips the man's tunic in half, revealing a white business shirt and tie beneath. In the shirt pocket is a pair of glasses, with one of the sidepieces missing.
Sulu: Looks like his vital signs are increasing.
McCoy: Yes, just a quick shot of cordrazine should bring him around.
PSSSST!
The man groans, and his eyes slowly open. Kirk marvels at the greasy, stringy hair, the slightly grey sideburns, and long, hook nose.
Kirk: This guy wouldn't win a beauty pageant, THAT's for sure.
McCoy: Can you hear me? What is your name?
Man: Ah, damnit man! I feel like hell! Where am I?
Kirk: Onboard the starship Nautilus. Who are you?
Man: The last thing I remember, I was onboard the Space Shuttle Cremora, trying to install a new plate scanner on the space station.
Kirk: The Space Shuttle CREMORA! Computer, identify.
Computer: The Cremora was a second generation space shuttle. It exploded upon impact with a meteroid in earth orbit. Of the wreckage analyzed on the earth's surface, one escape pod was found to be missing.
Kirk: YOU ESCAPED! What year was that?
Computer: The year 2002.
Spock: The hiberanation units manufactured back then were very suspect. It is a miracle of your technology that enabled you to survive.
Man: Would someone get me a large cup of hot tea?
Kirk: You still haven't answered us. Who are you?
Man: I am Peter Usher, the greatest astronomer in the history of earth.
Dramatic music as they stare into the angry face of the Ush.
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"Captain's Log, Stardate 08111992. Dr. Usher is now completing his renormalization in sickbay. We haven't yet told him what year this is, since McCoy realized how much of a shock that could be. He is very irritable, which surprised Bones. The good doctor said that, when one is awakening from hibernation, one usually displays the greatest joviality that can be associated with the individual. Spock did some research into Federation genealogical banks, finding that Peter Usher was actually born on the old Earth nation of South Africa."
Kirk finished the log entry with a sweep of his right hand. As his index finger switched off the recorder, he leaned back in the creaky office chair and dialed up Spock on the viewscreen. The Vulcan appeared momentarily, his face lathered and partially shaven.
"Spock here. What is it, Jim?"
"When you're done fussing with yourself, meet me in sickbay. I want us to break the news to Usher as gently as possible. Bones will be standing by with a hypo."
"Good idea. I'll be done in about 15 minutes."
"See you then. Kirk out."
Kirk stood up and straightened out his shirt. Looking in the mirror, he made a false smile, checking for any bits of food between his teeth. Seeing none, he exited his quarters.
While proceeding through the corridor, Uhura stepped from her quarters.
"Care if I join you, Captain?"
"No problem. I figure the more sympathetic faces around Usher, the better."
"Good morning, Keptin, Uhura" Chekov beamed. The communications officer rolled her eyes when she smelled the odor of his vodka-impregnated toothpaste.
Soon, they entered sickbay, converted from a cold storage room during their last refurbishment at starbase. Usher was sitting up in bed, his half-intact glasses perched at a strange angle on his nose. He watched them skeptically as they formed a semicircle around him.
"Good morning, Peter. How are you feeling?" McCoy asked.
"Like bloody hell, man!" Usher glared.
"You're lucky to be alive" Kirk volunteered. "Not many people ever survived shuttle disasters back in the 20th century."
"What do you mean? THIS is the 20th century."
"Umm, do you notice Mr. Spock's ears?"
"Quite unusual. Looks like a rather rare birth defect. Did you grow up somewhere near Chernobyl?"
Spock raised an eyebrow. "There is no such city on the Planet Vulcan."
"You're from another PLANET?"
"Yes, he is" Kirk replied. "In fact, I myself was born on Alpha Centauri 5."
"Alright, I must be involved in some new psychological test. I signed up for a mission to install the first plate machine on Io, and I KNOW they have stringent tests for such long voyages. So, who put you up to this?"
"Guess how long you were hibernating in the escape pod?" Chekov asked.
"Let's see... I'd say ... about five days?"
"Longer" Chekov said.
"Ten days?"
"MUCH longer" Sulu volunteered.
"A month?"
"Longer" Uhura said, a grin on her face.
"A goddamn YEAR?"
"Still way short" Kirk said, trying to imitate Usher's accent.
"Ten years?"
"A wee drop in the bucket compared t' the truth, Mr. Usher" Scotty piped.
"Alright, the joke's over, man. Where am I? I want to see my son, Robbeeee!"
"Your son Robby lived a long life, passing on in the year 2050. That was over 300 years ago."
Usher's glasses fell another inch down his nose, and his face went blank. Slowly, he removed his bedcovers, swinging his feet to the side of the bed. With McCoy's help, Usher stood, and he walked slowly across the sickbay floor, soon finding a chair at the opposite end of the room on which to lean.
"So, I was hibernating for at least about 350 years. Is that what you're telling me?"
"Yes" Kirk said coldly.
"Yaaaaaaaaah!" Usher shrieked. He hoisted the chair into the air, completely surprising everyone, and he flung it into the far wall, where it bounced loudly several times before coming to rest in the upright position.
Then, his face, once red with rage, cleared completely, and he smoothed his stringy hair against his scalp.
"Well, I expect that I'll STILL receive the Nobel, man. Someone else must've taken it by proxy, a couple hundred years ago. Mr. Spock, you seem to be the brains of this operation. Find out, from the computer, in which year I was posthumously honored for my platework."
"Very well, though I remember all the Nobel Prize winners in HISTORY, and I don't recall your name."
"Yaaaaaaaaaah!" he shrieked, charging head first into a cabinet full of medical instruments. It fell backwards, crashing loudly on the floor.
Kirk shook his head, motioning for Bones to be ready with a potent tranquilizer hypo.
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"Captain's Log, supplemental. After we finally calmed Usher down, Bones gave him a sedative shot, and we put the old man to bed. He slept soundly for about four hours, then we heard him banging the walls of sickbay. By the time Bones got there, the Ush had smashed several pieces of glassware, and he was trying to undo some of the ceiling panels with his bare hands.
As Kirk entered sickbay, he saw that Usher had torn two panels from the ceiling. The temporally misplaced astronomer was hanging onto one of the ceiling support beams.
"Get me OUT of here! God-DAMNIT man! I can't take any more of this coddling. I stowed my big toe on the edge of my bed, and I just managed to call up some astronomy records from your computer."
"And?" Kirk asked with irritation.
"I found out that the entire US survey was blown away! Half of it was proven to consist of blue subdwarfs, not QUASAHS!"
"The US Survey?" Spock asked.
"It was the greatest quasah survey of all time! I was its creator!"
Kirk rolled his eyes, just as Scotty entered sickbay, toting a bottle of scotch.
"What's all this commotion about, Captain Kirk?"
"Oh, just Peter undergoing some growing pains."
"GROWING PAINS! That was my life's work man!" Usher sat down and pulled off his glasses, placing the sidepiece into his mouth and rolling his eyes around as the plastic clicked against his teeth. Then, with a widening of his eyes, he exhaled and tossed his glasses onto a small table. Placing his hands over his nose and his elbows on his knees, he leaned forward, exhaling noisily (as if he were blowing his nose) and tapping his feet on the floor, causing several locks of stringy hair to bounce up and down atop his head.
"I'm sorry, but you're going to have to grow up!" Kirk said, becoming irritated that Usher had disturbed his rest. "Now either shape up, or ship out. There's only so much we can go to bat FOR you. After a while, you have to go to bat on... I mean, for YOURSELF!"
Kirk left sickbay in a huff, with Usher watching a large glass beaker across the room and contemplating another tantrum.
The next morning, Uhura came into sickbay, offering to secure Usher some breakfast.
"What would you like? Our food synthesizers can provide almost anything."
The Ush looked at her squarely. "Could I borrow your BODY for a minute?"
"What?"
"I need you to help me move my bed a little. I need a better view out the porthole."
"Oh, okay."
Uhura and Usher slowly move his bed towards the window.
"Do you have eggs?" Usher asked, sounding more relaxed than usual.
"Yes. And how about some bacon to go with them?"
"Ah, yes, that sounds good, but ... no GREASIES, please. And get me a GALLON of hot tea. I have some time to make up for."
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"Captain's Log, Stardate 11111992: Usher has finally gotten "comfy" with the reality of his situation. Unfortunately, he is refusing to continue his work in astronomy, ever since he found out that "plate work", a primitive method of data aquisition using chemical baths and squares of gelatin-coated glass, can only be seen in museums. We've decided to drop him off on Starbase 14-B, about 1 day's journey at warp 5. I have notified Starfleet of Usher's conundrum, and they are readying a small psychiatric staff to aid in his adjustment to life in the future."
"Sulu, what is our ETA at Starbase 14-B?"
"At present speed, 22 hours, 50 minutes, sir."
Spock walked casually to the command chair, and Kirk looked up at him.
"Yes, Spock?"
"I thought you were born on Earth? You told Usher you were born in the Alpha Centauri star system."
"Well, I was really trying to let Usher know that most of the beings he will encounter will NOT be from Earth, even if they look human. Besides, according to how one defines BORN, then I was born on either Earth or Alpha Centauri."
"Sir?" The Vulcan's eyebrow raises in puzzlement.
"I was CONCEIVED while my parents were on a starbase in the Centauri system. They then returned home, and my mother gave BIRTH to me on Earth. Any questions?"
"None, Captain."
"Well, I for one was born on good ole' Earth, Mistah Spock" Bones volunteered. "Grew up on my daddy's faaaahm, growin' corn and patchin' up hogs n' chickens."
"While you were growing corn, I was reading Dostoevsky" Chekov said.
"That's yer problem, boy. Gotta' learn t' sink yer fingers into the earth, feel the soil." McCoy replied.
Kirk rolls his eyes, just as the turbolift door opens, permitting Usher to walk onto the bridge.
"Ah, another busy day on the bridge" he said. Stretching so high that his hands almost touched the ceiling on the bridge, Usher let out a huge yawn.
"Well, in just under a day, you'll be beginning your new life, learning the past several hundred years of galactic history. What do you plan to do with the rest of your life?" Kirk asked.
"I think I'll pioneer some new emulsions, man. I hear polymer chemistry has come QUITE a long way. I bet you guys have invented new, completely transparent glass as well. That was always one of the worst things! Plates that were green and emulsion that would peel off at the slightest provocation."
"Due to the advances in neural-response full-band perio-conductive phlozon-inductive detectors, I would hardly advise you--"
"Ah, but Mistah Spock, that newfangled gadgetry only takes away from the scientific endeavor. Too much circuitry. How do you where the strengths and weaknesses are? There could be one bad wire, and the whole detector is useless."
Suddenly, the red alert indicator on the helm console begins beeping.
"Captain" Sulu said, "energy field approaching. Force 13"
"Force 13?!? Hard to port!"
Suddenly, the ship is rocked so violently, that all of the crewmembers are thrown wildly about the bridge. Usher drops to the floor, spreading himself out like a water-skipper on a pond. As the deafening crackling, rumbling, and sizzling sounds subside, Usher sits up, noticing that he is the only conscious crewmember on the bridge.
"Warning!" the computer sounded. "High velocity black hole approaching from 20 degrees, mark 7. Warning! Automatic evasion circuitry temporarily overloaded!"
Dramatic music swells in volume, as Usher slams his fists to the floor, realizing that he must save the Nautilus.
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"Passenger's Log, MAN, Stardate 11111992: Now that the whole goddamn crew on this ship is out cold, the silly computah just informed me that we're headed for a black hole! I've begun a quick tutorial with the ship's computer, which is trying to teach me how to pilot this thing, past the black hole, at roughly three schwarzschild radii."
Usher switched off the recorder and turned back to the main viewscreen. Ahead, a region of intense, spatial distortion was visible.
"Alright, man, tell me what to do next."
"Grasp the main control lever" the computer instructed. "Upon my instruction, move the control lever to the right until our course heading has changed to 27 degrees, mark 6."
There was a short pause.
"Now" the computer said.
"Now, what?" Usher asked.
"Move the lever to the right."
"Alright, man, here goes nothing!"
Usher eased the control lever to the right, and the star field banked to one side.
"Release the lever" the computer instructed.
Usher let go of the lever instantly, causing a deep rumble to roll through the hull.
"Damnit! What did you do now?"
"You released the control lever too quickly. You should have gently eased it back to the vertical position."
"You silicon contraptions are all alike. You give little or no instruction as to how things REALLY have to be done."
"I am not constructed of silicon. My central CPU grid is composed of--"
"Oh shut up! Are we going to make it or not?"
"Make what?"
"Aaaaaaaaaah! What is our present course?"
"We are heading very near the black hole. Shortly, you must activate the warp drive, setting it to full power. This will be needed to avoid an EXIT ONLY orbit."
"Exit ONLY? What the hell kind of orbit is that? Don't we want to EXIT orbit past the black hole?"
"That is correct. But we must avoid an EXIT ONLY orbit."
"What the hell's the difference, man?"
"Engage warp drive NOW."
"I know what an exit orbit is, but an EXIT ONLY orbit?"
Usher felt himself stretching, and he saw all the stars vanishing from view on the screen. The Nautilus fell at incredible speed towards the black hole.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" Usher shrieked as his vision blurred, his eyeballs now stretched out to the proportion of hot dogs in his skull.
"Now entering EXIT ONLY orbit" the computer said, seeming like's its sound processor was inhaling helium.
Usher watched the region of maximum optical distortion tear past the Nautilus. He saw the bridge spinning around him. Then, in another second, he felt the immense gravitational tidal forces subsiding. As gravity returned to normal, he slowly sat up, his glasses twisted to one side of his head.
"Exit only orbit is now terminated" the computer said.
"Where are we?"
"We have slingshotted around the black hole. Present position is 5 light years from Alpha Orionis. Temporal distortions complete."
"What TIME is it?"
"Time is now 11:55 AM. Alternate dimensionality is in effect due to the slingshot. Time-space gradient now 3.5 times that of normal space."
"What does that mean? Are we going to make it out of this alive?"
"Events for all crewmembers will now occur at 3.5 times the apparent rate of those in the external universe."
"DAMNIT man!"
Usher heard Kirk beginning to stir. Kirk opened his eyes, shook the cobwebs out of his head, and propped himself up on his elbows.
"What... what happened?"
"It seems we made a hyperbolic exit only orbit past a giant black hole."
"Exit ONLY! Oh NO!"
"What the hell is it with this EXIT ONLY, man? Now that computah contraption is squawking something about temporal displacement."
"Wow, we're screwed up, big time!" Kirk said with agitation. He stood up and walked over to Spock. The rest of the crew was slowly returning to consciousness.
"Didn't the computer navigate us through a proper EXIT orbit?"
"No" Usher replied. "It said its navigation circuits were dead. It instructed me to navigate us through. And look, we're ALIVE!"
"Amazingly so" Spock said, returning to his science station. "An exit only orbit is difficult and foolish to achieve. You must have directed the Nautilus on precisely the WRONG course. The odds are one in 4,567 that you could succeed in navigating into an exit only orbit."
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Usher shouted, grabbing an electronic clipboard and flinging it against the opposite wall.
Dramatic music swelled as they approached a starbase, noting that everything seemed to be happening in slow motion around them.
********************************************************************* *********************************************************************
Captain's Log, Stardate 19111992: Upon reaching the Starbase, we found to new surprise that no one could receive or answer our hail. It was evident that their sensors weren't picking us up, due to the temporal distortion factor created by slingshotting in an "exit only" orbit around a black hole. Luckily, since WE are the ones sped up, we can see THEM, but they can't see US. We have beamed to the command center of the starbase. I have something interesting in mind.
The crew and Usher beam into a large, heavily instrumented command center. Dozens of officers are about them, frozen motionless.
Kirk: Well, this reminds me of that Scalosian business a couple decades ago. Due to the temporal distortion, we have free reign of this starbase.
Scotty: Let's get some new crystals, Captain Kirk. And a bottle o' Scotch!
Spock: Perhaps we should depart and re-slingshot around the black hole, to renormalize ourselves.
Uhura: Suit YOURSELF, Mr. Spock. I for one am going shopping. And I'm NOT taking my purse!
Chekov: Where's the liquor store? I'm grabbing a CASE of woodka!
McCoy: I'm just an ole' country DOKtah. I think I'll sit on one of the benches in the mall. Just tell me when you're done with yer shoppin'.
Kirk: Spock, help me with Commodore Mendez, over here at the main console.
They walk over to the balding Mendez, frozen with his eyes open. The rest of the crew watches on.
Kirk: Watch THIS one.
Kirk picks up a cup of coffee sitting next to Mendez, pouring the contents on the admiral's jacket. Then, Kirk spins him around on his chair, as Spock types various silly messages on the keypanel, which are then displayed on the main viewer, though very slowly.
Sulu: Mess up his hair, Captain.
Kirk tousles his hair wildly and sculpts a large cowlick (from what little hair is ON Mendez's head) with the coffee still in the admiral's mug.
Chekov: Keptin, tie his shoes together!
Spock bends over, quickly tying his black shoelaces together, in a triple-kroika Vulcan knot.
Uhura: Pull down his fly!
Kirk: YOU pull down his fly!
Uhura: YUCK! No WAY!
With that, Kirk runs to the exit hatch, and the crew follows him. Spock trots behind the others as they head towards the nearest transport, to venture beyond the command center and into the shopping mall area.
Switch to normal time, seeing Mendez notice an annoying buzzing sound about his head. He jumps when his mug of coffee dumps on him, and he spins in his chair at light speed. When his head feels wet, he looks around, seeing that his fellow officers are laughing at him, due to the large cowlick sticking straight up out of his head. Mendez stands up angrily, and, when he goes to take a step, he falls flat on his face, since his shoes are tied together.
Mendez: What the HELL is happening around here?!?!?
Meanwhile, Kirk and his crewmates are running down the starbase shopping mall, punching holes in newspapers (that people are reading), pressing water fountain buttons to soak people's faces as they are drinking, and swapping people's hats. Chekov and Sulu are pinching women's behinds, and Uhura is snapping men's suspenders as she goes running by them.
Kirk: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Scotty: Captain Kirk, look at all the SCOTCH!
Kirk grabs a bottle out of the aged case that Scotty is holding. He removes the cap and takes several gulps.
Dramatic music as the entire crew skids to a stop, confronting someone who reminds them quite closely of Huck Finn.
********************************************************************* *********************************************************************
Captain's Log, Stardate 20111992: Upon realizing that the strange alien who looked like Huck Finn was moving in OUR temporal frame, we stopped dead in our tracks.
Kirk: Hello, I'm Captain James T. Kirk, of the Starship Nautilus.
Huck: Well, con-sarnit! My pa was right! You folks really ARE all outa' wack!
Spock: We never possesed any of this ... WACK... in the first place.
Kirk: I think our new friend is refering to our temporal displacement, Mr. Spock.
Spock: I see. Are you in any way related to Mr. Amos?
Huck: Dag-nabbit, YES! He's my PA! He felt you folks ripplin' the continuum, so he sent me on errand, to make sure everythin' is okay.
McCoy: Would you PLEASE click your finger and renormalize us? I'd like us to be on our way.
Huck: Fine, sir. And you folks have a nice day, ya' hear?
Huck clicks his fingers and disappears. Suddenly, loud noises erupt about them, as the people in the mall begin moving. A woman standing next to Kirk looks at him with complete surprise, since, to her, a man just materialized out of thin air beside her.
Guard: Hey, YOU! Where are you going with that case of whiskey?
A security guard is motioning at Scotty, who suddenly sets the case on a bench. He grabs one of the bottles and starts running.
McCoy: I think ALL of us might be in a little hot water, CHIM! We all have stolen merchandise!
Kirk: Alright everyone! Drop the goods.
The 5 crewmates look at him with grave disappointment. Spock stares blankly at the captain. They obey, and Kirk speaks into his communicator. The next scene shows them beaming onboard the Nautilus.
Kirk: Sulu, plot a course out of here. Now.
They walk into the bridge and take their stations.
Spock: The superbeing child of Mr. Amos did us two favors. He renormalized US, and our ship as well.
Sulu: All moorings are clear, Captain.
Kirk: Ahead on 1/4 impulse. As soon as we're 10 kilometers away from the base, engage warp drive. Whatta ya' say we head back to Eden. Let's see how Adam and Eve are doing.
Everyone looks at him like he's crazy, and, in another ten seconds, the Nautilus leaves the starbase, as well as a confused security guard, behind.
Chekov: I've never had some much fine woodka in my hands at one time. Why did we have to leave it there, Keptin?
Kirk: I realized the errors of our ways. Whether or not we could get away with it, it's WRONG to steal.
Sulu: The Captain's right.
Chekov: Is not?
Sulu: Is too!
Chekov: Is not!
Sulu: Is too!
McCoy: SHUT UP!!!!!!!! You two drive me crazier than a Silliran Flying Mugwump!
The bridge door opens, and Usher steps in, still yawning from his long rest.
Usher: I feel some return to normalcy, man. Where the HELL are we now? I thought you were dropping me off on some planet.
Kirk: Actually, come to think of it, we're headed to a planet right now with a relatively primitive race, somewhat more primitive than even 20th century earth. Perhaps they could use your scientific wisdom.
Usher: They would think me a GOD!
Kirk: Bones, what do you think? He could teach them a thing or two about plate work. Also, they might forget about their hardships when they get a load of him.
Uhura: That sounds like a splendid idea, Captain. One can NEVER have too many plates.
Kirk: Good, it's settled then. We'll leave you off on Eden.
Usher: Eden?
Kirk: Trust me, you'll love it!
Dramatic music as Usher begins counting his blessings, realizing that all of them fit on his hands and his feet (excluding his severely stowed toe).
********************************************************************* *********************************************************************
Captain's Log, Stardate 04121992: After being temporally renormalized by Huck, Amos' son, we are en route to Eden, where Usher wishes to be left. He feels he can evolve the perfect society there. In his own words, "They would think me a GOD, Man!" We are now less than a day away from Eden, traveling at warp 5.
Usher: Did I ever play the pipes for you fellows?
Scotty: Ya play GOD'S instrument, do ya?
Usher: Ah, yes, the Scotsman! Unfortunately, my pipes are somewhere in the distant past. I couldn't--
Scotty: Hang on a minute! I'll take my set o pipes and put them in the replicator. You and I could be playin' in NO time.
Usher: Splendid, man!
They both exit the bridge.
McCoy: I sense a headache coming on, Chim.
Kirk: Well, give yourself a tetra-opio-valide injection, then. You're the doctor!
Uhura: Are those two going to be blasting their pipes all over this ship?
Sulu: I sure hope not.
Spock: Captain, I am registering two sets of harmonic vibrations, in the ship's aft hull. The vibrations are heading towards the bridge.
Just then, the turbolift door opens, and Scotty and Usher enter the room. Scotty is dressed like a Highlander, and Usher has taken a tablecloth and tied it around his waist. His imitation kilts cause Kirk to wince.
The sound of two sets of bagpipes causes most of the bridge crew to hold their hands over their ears. Scotty sounds like an expert piper, while Usher is struggling to hold a constant note, giving his piping the sound of a moaning, pained animal.
Kirk: SULUUUUU! How long until Eden?
Usher stops playing momentarily.
Usher: Actually, now that I'm piping, I don't know if I WANT to go to Eden.
Kirk: But your utopia. Think of it! An entire RACE of pipers, playing EXACTLY the songs you want them to play!
Usher: Ah, yes, you have quite a good idea. I can see them now, my music students, primitive, and shod crudely, the women scantily. Indeed, man, I can see them kneeling the VOMITING at my feet!
Sulu: We'll be there in half an hour, Captain.
Chekov: If I had my R-r-russian concertina, I would join you.
Kirk: NO! Stay at your post, mister!
Dramatic music as Kirk manually dials in warp 6 at the helm.
********************************************************************* *********************************************************************
Captain's Log, Stardate 10121992: We have attained orbit around former-Eden, and Sulu and Chekov have scraped up a survival pack for Usher. Also, I've given him a communicator, to maintain short-range contact with us until we're sure we didn't beam him into a mountain or off the side of a cliff.
Usher: Damnit, man, you've been more help than you can imagine. Alright, Check-off! So, the minute one of the natives sees me, I press the button on the side of this gadget, and flame will shoot out, making them think I'm a god, right?
Chekov: You've got it, Ser!
Kirk: Chekov, I'm surprised at you!
Chekov: He will need all the help he can get, Keptin.
Scotty: Transporter ready. Your coordinates will put ya' somewhere within about 500 feet of the natives.
Usher: Alright, thank you. Here, I'll zip up my coat, in case it's too cold. READY!
Spock: I will be interested in seeing the data that you gather, Doctor Usher.
Usher: Aaaaah, oh yes, the data. Well, I'll be on my way then.
Scotty energizes, and Usher disappears from the Nautilus. The crew returns to the bridge, awaiting word from the Ush.
Kirk: Uhura, patch me in to Usher.
Uhura: Aye, sir.
Kirk: This is James T. Kirk. Do you read me, Dr. Usher?
Usher: Ah, yes. It's a bit chilly down here, but nothing I can't handle. This knockout native female saw me materialize, and I shot some flame at her. She fell down in fright, but I ordered her to go get me some food, perhaps some grapes, which she can drop into my mouth.
McCoy: You're abusing these aliens! It's against Starfleet regulation!
Usher: I'm from the past, though, good dok-tah! I'm not bound by your silly laws. There, she's back, fondling my ears. She seems quite fascinated with them.
Kirk: Alright, well, perhaps we'll check back in on you, someday. Until then, good luck.
Usher: Don't bother. It takes so much fuel to get here. Usher out.
Kirk: Well, it looks like he's out of our hair for good. You know, Bones, we never found out why he was wearing that mask that made him look like Daystrom. Uhura, patch me through again.
Uhura: Done, sir.
Kirk: This is Jim Kirk, one more time, Dr. Usher.
Usher: (with agitation) what is it, man? She's taking me to a hot spring, to give me a sponge bath!
Kirk: Why were you wearing that goofy mask when we found you in hibernation?
Usher: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Sulu: Looks like you hit a nerve, Captain.
Spock: Indeed...
Usher: Well, if you MUST know... To get into space, the only way I could make it was to fake my identity as a minority astronaut, man! Yes, you're right, in that this was wrong to do. But another astronomah, named Daniel Weedman, beat me out to the space shuttle mission to investigate quasahs, and I HAD to prove to myself that I could make it into space!
Scotty: You've got a lotta nerve, Peter! And t' think I piped with ya'!
Kirk: Oh well, again, good luck. Kirk out.
McCoy: You're takin' a mighty big gamble, Chim!
Kirk: He's out of our hands now. Well, where should we go next?
Spock: There IS a rather interesting planet in the neighboring star system, Captain. Records show it to be made of pure, rubberized silicon.
Kirk: What? I don't believe it. Are you sure, Spock?
Spock: Quite sure, Captain.
Kirk: Alright, Sulu, lay in a course for this silly planet. What's it called?
Spock: RTV-11. I've fed the coordinates into the ship's computer.
Kirk: Warp 3, Mr. Sulu. What's our ETA?
Chekov: Twenty hours, Keptin.
Meanwhile, down on the planet surface...
Usher: Ah, my little lotus blossom! How about more hot water on my back!
The woman smiles and obeys, causing Usher to sigh with contentment. Just then, the sun is blocked by a cloud, and the wind begins rising. A bolt of lightning shears off a tree branch, which falls inches from Usher's head.
Usher: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! What the HELLZ goin' on heah?
Woman: God angry! God ANGREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
She flees from the hot spring, and Usher whips out his communicator, begging Kirk to beam him back to the Nautilus. When there is no answer, he dashes the device agains a rock. As he exits the hot spring, he notices a luminous, translucent face, nearly twenty feet across, staring down at him.
Usher: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Dramatic music as VGER decides on Usher's punishment for tampering with his creation.
********************************************************************* *********************************************************************
Captain's Log, Stardate 17121992: As I was finally trying to get some shut-eye in my quarters, Spock buzzed me. I was most annoyed, but I nevertheless acknowledged his call.
Spock: Spock here.
Kirk: Yeah (yawn) Spock?
Spock: We are only halfway to RTV-11, and in a part of the galaxy visited by only a single Federation survey ship. Our sensors have picked up an alien vessel, apparently adrift and without internal power.
Kirk: Oh boy. Ya' know, Spock, sometimes I get sick of all these derelict vessels, silicon aliens, and disembodied superbeings. Sometimes I just want a SINGLE good night's rest? Understand?
Spock: Yes, Captain.
Kirk: I'll be there in five minutes. Bring us in close, but not too close. Maybe it's a magnetic space mine.
Spock: Affirmative. Spock out.
The next scene shows Kirk stepping from the turbolift. The crew is busily monitoring the alien vessel, displayed as a dull, gray sphere on the screen. Everyone but Spock is in a robe and pajamas.
Kirk: Any life signs?
Spock: Negative.
Kirk: Any power emanations?
Chekov: None, Keptin. As a precaution, I have fully charged all deflectors and weapons.
Kirk: Now THERE's a man on the ball! Bones, what do you make of this?
McCoy: How should I know, Chim? I'm a DOCTOR, not a bricklayer!
Kirk looks at Bones with a furrowed brow.
Kirk: Well, good morning to you too. Uhura, hail the vessel.
Uhura: No response, sir. And please excuse the blue facial mask.
Kirk: Understood. Sulu, what's her dimensions?
Sulu: Who, Uhura?
Kirk: NO! The SHIP!
Sulu: Oh... Range is 10,000 meters, diameter 50 meters, estimated mass is...
Kirk: Yes?
Sulu: To within the precision of our sensors, it is exactly PI times one to the 6th power slugs.
Kirk: PI? SLUGS? Spock, what's a slug?
Spock: A slug is the standard unit of mass in the Eng--
Kirk: Never mind. What kind of atmosphere is onboard?
Spock: Standard earthlike atmosphere. Internal pressure is 0.98 atmospheres. No hostile organisms register.
McCoy: I'd bet pennies to navy beans there's some aliens onboard.
Kirk: Okay, Bones. You and Spock meet me in the transporter in ten minutes. Make sure you bring your tricorder and your hand phasers.
In the next scene, they appear within a darkly lit vessel. Control panels line the curved walls of the craft. They are standing in a domelike chamber, which looks like the bridge. Several buttons are blinking.
McCoy: CHIM!
Kirk and Spock run over to the doctor, who is standing above a hibernation tube, almost identical in appearance to the one that once held Usher.
Kirk: There's a HUMAN inside! Bones, any life signs?
McCoy sweeps his tricorder around.
McCoy: Yes, he's in stasis, and all signs appear normal for a human.
Kirk: Let's thaw him out.
McCoy presses a large red button the side of the cylindrical hiber-tube, and lights switch on in the bridge. A temperature gauge on the tube indicates that heaters have switched on. Within a minute, the tube opens, leaving a middle-aged humanoid male before them, covered with a glittery gold blanket. His face is very round, his hair streaked with grey.
McCoy: CHIM, I've seen him somewhere else before!
Kirk: Where?
McCoy: I was watching an old western movie last week, and I saw THIS guy as one of the lead actors!
Spock: The odds of that occurring are only 1 in 56,789,345.
McCoy: BLAST your odds, Mr. Spock! Here!
McCoy sweeps a small camera over the man's face.
McCoy: Computer, correlate this man's face with all known actors from 20th century earth.
They hear the clicks of the computer over the communicator.
Computer: This man has a 97.5% probability of being ... Jack Palance.
Dramatic music as Kirk wonders how they could find TWO hibernating earthlings, Palance and Usher, so near each other.
********************************************************************* *********************************************************************
Captain's Log, Stardate 18121992: Having revived Jack Palance, we beamed back to the Nautilus, and Bones gave him a full checkup. Everything seems to be in order, concerning his health. Bones is about to administer a couple injections which should return him to consciousness.
PSSSSSSSSSSST!
McCoy: Here's the last shot...
PSSSSSSSSSSST!
Jack's eyes stir and then slowly open.
Jack: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (sounds VERY airy)
McCoy: How do you feel?
Jack: (inhale deeply), Where is he (exhale, inhale, you get the picture), that dirty rotten scoundrel!
Kirk: Who? Who are you looking for?
Jack: Have you ever encountered Peter Usher?
Kirk: Yes, yes we have. Very recently, in fact.
Palance sits up quickly and looks dizzy.
Jack: I must find him to bring him before the authorities.
Spock: What has Dr. Usher done wrong?
Jack: He's wanted by the Universal Film Corporation.
McCoy: What in the BLAZES?
Jack: You know, Universal!
Kirk: What year is it, Mr. Palance?
Jack: Well, it's 2004.
Kirk: You've been in statis for over 400 years, Mr. Palance.
Jack: My God! I can't believe it! (His eyes narrow) Then how is Usher still alive?
Uhura: He was also in statis. We found him wearing a rubber mask. The mask made him look like a black man.
Jack: How DASTARDLY! Let me explain. He was once a second-rate astronomer, who was drummed out of the university by a new department head who didn't think he had been publishing sufficiently. Upon his expulsion, he headed to California, to enter the movie business. He wanted to make it into space, and a fierce competitor of his, a...
Spock: Daniel Weedman?
Jack: Yes, Weedman, became the first quasar astronomer in space. Usher, being bitter that he didn't make it into space first, decided to become the first ACTOR in space.
Kirk: This sounds too weird. Bones, mix me up a tonic.
As the doctor begins his concoction in some pyrex glassware, Palance continues.
Jack: Usher came to work on one of my movie sets. We were filming Pale Rider IV.
McCoy: That's the movie, Chim! That's the movie where I saw Jack Palance!
Scotty: Calm down, doctor, before ya' blow a FUSE!
Jack: Anyway, when I refused to have him on the set, since he was so bigoted and nasteeee, he left in a huff and proceeded to pull practical jokes on the actors and set crew. He started throwing furniture around during filming, and he dumped paint on some of the set props.
Kirk: Then what?
Jack: Then, he vanished from the scene. A month later, I was chosen as the first actor to make it into space. An assistant of mine was also chosen, a black man named Eddie Murphy. Just before Murphy entered the Space Shuttle, Usher must have knocked him unconscious, stealing onboard and taking his place. In orbit, his true identity was revealed, but he ejected in a space pod before we could apprehend him. Later, after landing back on Earth, I set off in the spherical vessel in which you found me, the U.S.S. Ripley. I resolved to find Usher and, if he were still alive, to bring him back to justice. I never found him, since a large meteor struck my ship. I barely managed to get into the hibernation tube before the ship's power cut off. Then YOU found ME. Believe it ... or NOT...
Kirk: Well, Earth probably wouldn't remember Usher by now, or you for that matter.
Jack: I MUST FIND HIM, I MUST!!!
Kirk: Bones, put him under, before he thrashes his way through a bulkhead.
PSSSSSSSSSSST!
Jack: I ... must ... find ................Ush.......................er..
Dramatic music as Jack slumps down onto the cot, a silly grin appearing on his face.
********************************************************************* *********************************************************************
Captain's Log, Stardate 21121992: Jack Palance has been sound asleep since yesterday, when Bones gave him the hypo treatment. We have grappled his vessel with the tractor beam, and we've decided to head to Starbase 17. There, we'll release Mr. Palance to the proper authorities. Now, as I prepare to go to sleep, I just can't help but wonder whether we should return to Eden and bring Usher to the authorities. Along that same line of thought, I wonder how Usher is enjoying his "godhood" on Eden...
Scene switches to a stormy, wind-whipped landscape. The camera moves slowly along ground level, through masses of blackened, twisted, disfigured trees. Flashes of lightning illuminate the land with an eerie glow, and crashes of thunder roll over the hills. The sky is yellow-gray, and the sun is preparing to set. Occasional bursts of hail intermingle with the steady downpour of rain. The camera moves slowly to the right, and soon a steep hillside comes into view. Small, ratlike animals can be seen scurrying through the mud. Amid a flash of lightning that splinters a tree on the left of the screen, a cave entrance is visible, a small climb up the hillside. The camera now moves towards the cave entrance. As it enters, the noise from the storm is muffled. The camera continues into the cave, and soon, everything is pitch black. As it continues, one can hear a human voice, shouting, and glimmers of orange light soon illuminate the tunnel through which the camera travels. The light grows in intensity, and soon the voice of Usher can be heard. He is shouting loudly, as the camera emerges into a dimly lit chamber. Panning around, one can see Usher, shackled against the wall of the roughly cylindrical chamber. His clothes have slowly dried within the cave. Glowing crystals in the center of the floor provide the orange light.
Usher: DAMNIT MAN! Let me outa here! Kirk! Kirk, BEAM me out of this mess!
A pale, glowing face materializes before Usher. It extends from floor to ceiling (about 10 feet), and it shimmers slowly as the eyes open and focus on Usher.
VGER: Why have you desecrated my creation?
Usher: What do you mean? I came here as a scientific observer!
VGER: I see your thoughts as I see my own. You are lying. How dare you think yourself a god!
Usher: I'm a lonely man, whoever you are. Who are you?
VGER: I am VGER.
Usher: Anyway, Mr. VGER, I'm a lonely man, in need of female ... companionship.
VGER: You sought godhood, not companionship.
Usher: Alright, man, well what do YOU do on this planet?
VGER: I am evolving a new race, a new civilization. You are an impurity, a fly in the ointment. You are corrupting my world, this Eden.
Usher: Eden? That place is only mythical, MAN! Besides, anyone who creates an entire world, an entire race, IS a god. Thus, YOU VGER are also trying to make yourself into a god.
VGER: You know, I've never thought about it that way before. I'm not the supreme God, but I was aspiring to that position, wasn't I?
Usher: Yes, indeed. Now, I'm sure God will forgive you for this, but you must stop all of this at once.
VGER: Hey, you're right. Should I change the world back to the way it was before I got here?
Usher: How was that?
VGER: Conforming in basically EVERY way to the mythical Eden of Earth.
Usher's eyes pop open.
Usher: Yes, immediately. Leave this world as your found it. Leaving the humanoids thereon unaffected, of course.
VGER: Why?
Usher: That would be murder. Another offense, in addition to those you've already accrued.
VGER: Right again. Well, be seeing you!
The shimmery face vanishes, and Usher's bonds disappear. Massaging his sore wrists, he grabs some of the glowing rocks and begins to thread his way toward the cave entrance.
Soon, Usher emerges from the cave, and he is astonished at the beauty of this world. Stepping forth, he descends the hillside and finds a pool of crystal clear water. It is comfortably warm, and he wades into the water, splashing about with glee.
Usher: I AM BECOME USH, THE CREATOR OF WORLDS!!!!!
Just then, a ray of sunlight falls across the pond, and Usher sees several women, who are slowly walking towards him, each holding bunches of exotic fruits.
Usher: Come forward, my beautiful butterflies!
Tossing his glasses (with one sidepiece missing) to the shore, he wets his hair and slowly paddles his way to shore.
The scene switches back to sickbay, where Palance is slowly awakening. Sick bay is dark, and only the lights flashing on the computer screen provide any illumination. Very quietly, Palance begins trying to untie himself from the cot. Dramatic music as Kirk is seen, sleeping soundly in his quarters.
********************************************************************* *********************************************************************
Officer Palance's Log: Now that I have escaped from sick bay, I've been tip-toeing my way around this ship, trying to figure out the best way to change our course to Eden, to apprehend Usher at long last.
Palance: Computer. PSST! Computer.
Computer: Working.
Palance: SHHHhhhhh. Change course to Eden.
Computer: Only Captain Kirk can order a change in course.
Palance: Change course NOW or I shall KILL Captain Kirk! He's sleeping and vulnerable.
Computer: I shall awaken him.
Palance: If you try to wake him, I'll kill him. Now change course to Eden, maximum speed. Don't sound any bells or whistles. I'll be right outside Kirk's quarters, with a very long knife.
Computer: Course change initiated. Proceeding at warp factor 8. We cannot keep your vessel in tow once--
Palance: DAMN my ship. Leave it behind. What is our ETA?
Computer: Six hours, thirteen minutes ... mark.
Palance: Very good.
The Nautilus veers to starboard, engaging warp drive. Palance notices a slight vibration during acceleration, but no one seems to have been awakened. Palance sits down, leaning his back against the wall next to the entrance to Kirk's quarters. Outside, they are tearing through space towards Eden.
Meanwhile, in 12-D hyperspace...
VGER: Ho-hum, I'm SO bored!
Super-Entity: I understand. Being muddled in 3-D DOES have its good points. Why don't you go back?
VGER: Well, I'm already THERE, actually, but I should stay out of their affairs.
Super-Entity: Oh, why do you say that? You let some silly 3-D mortal, CONSTRAINED to move positively in the 4th dimension, DICTATE to YOU? That's just plain crazy!
VGER: Perhaps. What're you up to?
Super-Entity: I'm contemplating some fiddling with the 5th-dimensional hypergradients. I'm worried though about the trickle-down ramifications in lower dimensions.
VGER: Perhaps you should continue your contemplation. Ah, what the heck, my creation sure fizzled, but at least I--
Super-Entity: Why do you think it fizzled? It's evolution is merely SURPRISING you.
VGER: Con-sarnit, how could these beings restructure the 4th dimension? I should've SEEN their evolutionary tracks in event-space. ALL of them!
Super-Entity: But looking would've spoiled the surprise. AND DON'T LOOK! Just go back, and I promise you it will be interesting!
VGER: Well, I'm ready for dimensional compression. See ya' later.
VGER winks out of existence in the 12-th dimension, and the Super-Entity, similar in power to VGER, continues to contemplate further adventures.
Meanwhile, back on Eden:
Usher: Another GREEN grape, please!
One of the women drops a piece of fruit into Usher's mouth, and he chews slowly.
Usher: Life is too short. Perhaps those living in Eden are IMMORTAL!
Just then, the air drops a bit in temperature, and Usher notices that clouds are growing, slowly blocking the sun.
Usher: What's going on? Isn't the sun always supposed to shine in Eden?
The women look nervously about themselves, and rain begins to fall. The great astronomer's face shows an incredibly nasty frown as the trees about them again slowly become disfigured, and a bolt of lightning strikes the ground next to them.
Dramatic music as everyone, including Usher, runs for cover.
Meanwhile, back on the Nautilus:
Computer: We are now approaching Eden. Mr. Spock's vital signs indicate that he is awakening at this time.
Palance: Attain orbit around the planet, and transport me to the last known location of Peter Usher, DIRECTLY from my position. Initiate as soon as possible.
Computer: This will occur in 2.5 minutes.
Palance: Very good. Also, transport a powerful hand weapon to the planet surface, causing it to materialize in my right hand.
Computer: It is forbidden for passengers to carry weapons of--
Palance: If you don't, then I'll KILL Captain Kirk. It's a good thing I did some reading from the ship's library. Without it, I wouldn't have known the capabilities of this vessel, or of the overriding directives built into your memory core, namely, that you cannot allow any of the crew to come to harm.
Computer: Time is now 2 minutes and counting.
Inside Kirk's quarters, Kirk is slowly awakening. He hears some muffled voices from the corridor. One of them sounds like the computer, speaking quietly over the intercom.
Kirk: (voice echoes as he speaks, meaning he is merely talking to himself) That must be Spock, conversing with the computer.
With that, Kirk's head hits the pillow, and he drifts on the edge of sleep.
Computer: Preparing to transport in one minute.
Palance flexes his muscles, doing a couple one-handed pushups in the corridor.
Meanwhile, back on Eden:
Usher: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Usher and numerous fig-leaf clothed humanoids, both male and female, are cowering under trees and behind boulders. The face of VGER now fills the sky, and they hear his voice at last.
VGER: While I hid my face from you, you did not work to make this world a better place. You have merely been picking fruit, feeding your faces until your stomachs ache. You have partaken of carnal pleasures with each other, with no regard to the offspring thereby created. My wrath will wax strong against you!
The winds rise, and trees bend nearly to the ground. As he roars, hail falls to the ground, ricocheting off rocks and tree trunks. One smacks Usher in the forehead, causing him to swear loudly.
Usher: DAMN YOU, VGER! Why don't you just leave us alone on our world!
VGER: YOUR world! YOUR world!
VGER puts forth a giant, translucent hand, which grabs Usher and hoists him, kicking and screaming, into the air.
Usher: Please, noble sir, put me down! I'm very sorry for insulting you, lord of Eden, superbeing of the galaxy. How foolish of me!
VGER: It is wise that you repent, foolish human. But even as I give with one hand, I taketh with another.
Usher descends back to the ground.
Usher: What are you taking away?
VGER: Behold the man who appears on this world, who seeks your destruction for all of the evil you have wrought on your home planet!
Usher, through the rain and flashes of lightning, sees someone materializing, atop a small hill about a thousand feet away. The being stands motionless for a while.
Palance: Where is Usher. I must find him!
VGER causes a giant, luminous, red arrow to appear, directly above Usher's head. Palance now sees Usher, and he begins running down the hillside towards him.
Usher: What's that big red arrow for, man?
VGER: He MUST find you!
Usher: WHO must find me? Tell me, damnit! I mean ... PLEASE, VGER, tell me who seeks me, your loyal and humble servant.
VGER: His name is--
Just then, Palance steps from behind a tree, and he now stands only ten feet in front of Usher. Palance's face drips with water, and he is shivering. In his wet, clammy hand, Usher sees a powerful hand phaser.
Palance: At last, I've found you, Ussshhhher! Believe it ... or NOT, I had the help of Captain Kirk and company, in bringing you to justice. You're my number one ... (deep inhale) ... GUY!
Usher: I'm sorry for what I did to that Murphy chap, but I HAD to get into space!
Palance: How dare you take his place! You can't tell one TENTH the jokes he can! You and your silly squares of glass, looking for little black spots! You're a B-rate person all the way! And you'll face justice, even though we're displaced by 400 YEARS!
They hear another beaming sound, and Palance turns around, only to watch Kirk, Chekov, and Spock materialize. They are wearing rain gear, and Kirk aims a phaser at them.
Kirk: DROP IT, JACK!
Palance obeys, and he steps back, now standing next to Usher.
Usher: THANK you for saving my life, Kirk. I owe everything to --
Kirk: Shut up. Both of you are being slapped in the brig, until we get to the nearest starbase. There, we'll release you, to let the lawyers squabble over what should be done with you next.
Palance: But HE's the criminal!
Kirk: Once you beamed down, the computer awoke us all, by sounding the general alarm. It then divulged the sly trick you pulled, by threatening to kill me. That's conspiracy to murder, mister! Next, you hijacked a vessel, another felony. As far as I can see, YOU'RE the criminal, at least in THIS century!
While Chekov covers Usher and Palance with his own phaser, Kirk turns to the giant face of VGER.
Kirk: VGER, may we take these two low-lifes from this planet? I promise, they'll never be back again.
VGER: Please do. For the favor of excising these malignancies from my world, I shall grant your deepest wish.
Kirk: No, you don't have to--
VGER: May you have a full head of hair, Kirk. May your toupe never be required again. And may your small pot-belly shrink, to where you can wear the clothes you wore as a young officer, just out of the Academy. Goodbye, Captain.
With that, VGER causes them all to vanish from the planet. They reappear on the Nautilus, Kirk, Chekov, and Spock standing outside the brig, Palance and Usher inside. VGER has produced a minor alteration to the brig, dividing it into two, separate cells. Usher and Palance are each pacing about their cramped quarters, utterly enraged.
Kirk: You were DAMN lucky, Mr. Palance. It just so happened that the intercoms in our quarters were out for the night, due to some modifications being made by Mr. Spock. If they had been in operation, the computer would've warned EVERY crew member about your plot, and it never would've worked. Of course, one can now wonder whether it ever "worked" in the final analysis!
McCoy walks up to Kirk.
McCoy: I'm glad you finally put these two in the slammer, Chim. Let's get rid of them at Starbase. These two are warts on the backside of progress!
The crew members laugh, and Usher runs against the force field, knocking him back violently to the floor. As he sits up, they see his glasses, now smashed and perched at a ridiculous angle atop his nose.
Clown and circus type music as Palance sticks his tongue out at the crew, while Usher smashes his fist into the wall, pulling it back in great pain.
********************************************************************* *********************************************************************
Captain's Log, Stardate 28121992: Today, we finally reached Starbase, and we beamed Usher and Palance directly over to THEIR brig. Starfleet wasn't very happy that we ditched them with these two losers, but the law's the law.
Kirk finishes his log entry and proceeds to his cot. Lying down, he falls asleep. Soon, he begins dreaming. He is standing in an endless field of grape arbors. A warm, fragrant breeze is blowing, and thick grey clouds fill the sky. In the distance, a small, wooden house is visible. Kirk turns and sees a man, busily trimming one of the arbors. He is in his sixties, with short, greying hair.
Kirk: Excuse me, sir.
The man turns around, a look of agitation on his face.
Man: Come along, Jean Luc! Get busy on these vines! You haven't long until you're back in space again, careening around the galaxy.
Kirk realizes he is dreaming that he is someone else.
Turning around, he is now standing in a giant field of wheat, a blue sky stretching overhead. The sun is high in the sky, unobscured by clouds. A woman is taking readings with some sort of sensor system. She is old and grey, and she turns to him.
Woman: Come along, Jimmy. We haven't all day. While you're home from the Enterprise, I need you to fix the programming on the fertilizer system.
Jean Luc awakens with a start. Sitting up in his cot, he remembers dreaming that was someone else, someone from the distant past, who grew up in a land of amber wheat.
Jean Luc activates the visiphone. Data's face appears on the screen.
Jean Luc: Commander Data, what is our present course heading?
Data: We haven't one, sir. We are still awaiting your orders.
Jean Luc: Where does Starfleet demand we go?
Data: Their most recent orders, received and decoded 4 hours ago, indicate that we should proceed to Rega 7, to witness the coronation of King Aka Ama Ala Aza Arrr the 1234th.
Jean Luc: Set a course for Rega 7. What is our ETA?
Data: Exactly 1 day, 13 hours, 45 minutes, and 34.5 seconds until we achieve standard orbit. The coronation occurs in 3 days.
Jean Luc: Make it so.
Data: Aye, sir.
Data's face vanishes from the screen, and Jean Luc lies down again, feeling the slow movement of the Enterprise as it executes the course change. Closing his eyes, Jean Luc falls asleep again.
********************************************************************* *********************************************************************
Captain's Log, Stardate 28121992: After a sleepless night of bizarre dreams and an arm that kept falling asleep, I headed to the holodeck. There, I soaked in a hot tub and drank a bottle of my brother's wine. We are enroute to a coronation, an affair of some importance in cementing the relations between the Federation and some silly planet whose name I've already forgotten. Numbah one soon joined me, slugging down some Reisen ale. Soon, we were both comfortably numb, falling asleep in the hot tub. When we awoke, Jordi was standing over us, a silly grin on his face.
Jordi: Morning Captain! How are ya?
Jean Luc: Please, LaForge... My head ... it's ACHING.
Jordi: Then how are YOU, Commander Reiker?
Reiker: SHUT UP!
Jean Luc: BOTH OF YOU SHUT -- ooooooh, my head.
Reiker: What's that silly grin all about, Jordi?
Jordi: I just HAD to tell someone about this! You know that theory I had about cross-phasing the space matrix restoration coil frequencies with the phonon- capacitative-junction frequencies in the warp nacelles?
Jean Luc: Yes? (His face looks bewildered, but he is anxious to be rid of the officer).
Jordi: It WORKED! At first, I had to tweek the charge buildup thresholds on the necromancephalic field stabilizers. Do you wanna know how I did it?
Jean Luc: Could this pleeeeeease wait, Mistah La-Fooooorge?
Jordi: SURE!
Reiker: Ouch.
Jordi spins around on his heels and runs off of the holodeck, bound for Engineering.
Jean Luc: Thank GOD he's gone for a while. You know, numbah one, I really enjoy having priority on the holodeck.
Reiker: Mixed blessings, though, wouldn't you say?
Jean Luc: What do you MEAN, numbah one?
Reiker: This is a feisty, unpredictive device. Some on this ship believe it's not worth the risk.
Jean Luc: Unfounded, utt-ah-ly, numbah one.
Scene switches to the outside corridor. Worf walks up to the control panel. He is wearing full Klingon battle regalia, as he totes some nasty looking, spikey, axe-like weapon, barbed with sizzling electrodes.
Worf: Computer. Load override program alpha-klingon, NOW!
Computer: All overrides intact. Program commencing. Have a good battle with the savage beasts of Trimelgorn.
Inside, Reiker has closed his eyes. He leans his head back, noticing that his head contacts something organic and springy. He sits upright suddenly, marveling at the dense jungle now surrounding them. They are lounging in a steaming swamp pool, and serpents and nasty looking lizards are swimming in the water around them.
Reiker: SIR!
Jean Luc: What is it NOW, numbah one?
The captain slowly opens his eyes, just as an iguana-like creature paddles up to him and hisses, its forked tongue flicking Picard's face.
Jean Luc: AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
He jumps out of the water in sync with Reiker, and they both find their path to the exit hatch blocked by something dense and furry. As their gaze moves up the object, they soon realize it to be some kind of gigantic, hairy beast, over ten feet tall, with a werewolf-like head and dripping fangs.
The beast roars, and Picard and Reiker dive in different direcions, just as the beasts multi-clawed fist crashes to the ground at their former position.
Just then, Worf appears, in a high tree branch. He swings toward the beast on a vine. As he roars towards the beast, he brandishes his weapon, shrieking in "the Klingon way".
Worf: DIE beast!
He collides with the animal, burying the tip of the weapon into the creature's chest. It screams in pain, instantly blasting Worf backwards through the air with its half-ton fist. Pulling the weapon out of its chest, blood is seen trickling to the ground. The creature throws the weapon at Worf, who screams when it burrows into his left leg.
Worf: Computer! Abort program!
Just then, we see Jordi in Engineering, fiddling with the power controls of the Enterprise.
Jordi: If I had some other modulation system to fold into the existing harmonics! Ah, I know! I'll use the holodeck's simul-synchronous phase resistive cortico-processors!
With a flurry of his fingers, he smiles when the appropriate commands have been executed.
Jordi: It MIGHT do some wacky things on the holodeck, but I'm sure Reiker and the Captain won't mind.
Back on the holodeck, Reiker is fleeing from the beast, now trudging towards him as it smashes down trees in its path. Huge, splintering branches fall about them, and Reiker can see Picard, cowering in fear behind a thick tree trunk.
Again, Worf appears, charging from behind the beast. He has retrieved the weapon from his leg, and he buries it into the beast's back. Again it shrieks in pain, this time falling backwards and mashing the Klingon's one good leg.
Jean Luc: Mistah WORF! Can you hear me?
Worf is momentarily unconscious, as the beast slowly turns and prepares to devour its victim.
Above the deafening roars and the oppressive heat, insects, and humidity of the jungle, Reiker shouts for the computer to stop execution of the holo- program.
Reiker: Computer, CEASE and DESIST!
Computer: Now in transfinite loop. Cannot halt execution. Must unload memory core and reinitialize main neuro-couplings.
Jean Luc: DO IT!
Computer: Impossible. The main processor is presently occupied with a priority C process. At this time, voice communication is no longer possible due to overtaxing of primary processor. Program will continue, however.
Jean Luc: NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo!
Dramatic music as the captain picks up a large rock and prepares to hurl it at the beast's head, to try and save Worf's life.
********************************************************************* *********************************************************************
Captain's Log, Stardate 29121992: The holodeck has gone nonlinear again. Numbah one, Worf, and I are trapped in some prehistoric jungle. A gigantic, furry beast is preparing to devour the only Klingon serving in Starfleet. I must do something.
Picard throws the large rock, which bashes the creature on the back of the head. It roars and spins around, trying to find who threw the rock. Picard smartly hides behind the tree trunk.
Worf has regained consciousness and is dragging himself towards Reiker. The Klingon's left, lower leg is smashed badly, and violet blood trickles from the hole in his other leg, where the beast impaled him with his own weapon.
Meanwhile, in Engineering, Jordi continues his machinations...
Jordi: Now, I'll begin anti-parallel shuffling of the memory sub-cores on the holo-deck computer. That should provide additional modulation.
His fingers dance on the keypanel, and he sees the desired results on his screen.
Jordi: Computer, continue randomly spaced reshuffles starting now...
Meanwhile, back on the holodeck...
Reiker: Worf, you could've gotten yourself KILLED! How dare you override our relaxation program!
Worf: I apologize, commander. I wasn't aware that you and the Captain were here.
The beast suddenly shrieks, and they peek from behind the tree. To their amazement, the beast has now changed into a gigantic kitchen sink. Giant, multi-jointed chrome-steel legs enable the sink to walk, and its eyes move atop the hot and cold water faucets, each almost four feet in diameter. The pure white sink slowly lumbers toward the tree, and the creature shows a powerful garbage disposal from just below its gaping, drain-like mouth. The disposal switches on, and Jean Luc watches in terror as he sees numerous giant cutting blades, spinning around the disposal's exterior.
The sink-beast nears the tree concealing Reiker and Worf, and it swings the disposal blades into the tree trunk, causing it to splinter and fly to pieces. Reiker drags Worf out of the way of the falling tree. The sink advances, the disposal blades still buzzing.
Jean Luc: Hey, you big sissy! Why don't you pick on ME!
The sink begins turning, and Jean Luc is standing away from the tree, waving his arms and sticking his tongue out at the creature. It moves toward him, shooting high-pressure water jets from its scouring hose attachment. Picard then ducks behind the tree, just as the metal disposal blades meet the tree trunk. As the tree is slowly sawed in half, gallons of goopy white syrup pour from the open trunk, coating the whirring sawblades. The blades slow in speed, struggling against the thickening mass of goop. At last, the blades are stuck fast, and the creature cannot pull itself free of the tree. Jean Luc runs away from the tree, towards Reiker and Worf.
Jean Luc: It's a good thing that I recognized that tree as a Sarian Latex Tree.
Reiker: THAT should hold that thing for a while. LOOK!
They watch the creature slowly shrink, metamorphosing into a brightly colored bird, about six inches long.
Reiker charges forth and mashes the bird with his fist, trampling the life out of it.
Reiker: THERE! Now you're DEAD!
Suddenly, a red, syrupy substance begins to ooze from the bird's corpse. The volume of syrup quickly exceeds the volume of the bird's body, and gallons are now issuing forth from the ground. Reiker slowly backs away from it, as its perimeter follows mere inches from his boots.
Jean Luc: What the HELL is that, numbah one?
Reiker kneels down and dips his finger into the substance. He dabs his tongue and smiles.
Reiker: It's strawberry syrup, Captain.
The rate of syrup discharge accelerates again, and now a large geyser is filling the interior of the holodeck. In under a minute, they are wading knee-deep in the stuff.
Worf: I cannot swim, with my legs as they are, Captain. Leave me to save yourselves!
Reiker: Nonsense, Worf!
Meanwhile, back in Engineering...
Jordi: Dum-da-dum-da-dummmm... THERE! That's the best modulation I've EVER seen!
The door to Engineering opens, and Troy steps in. She walks over to Jordi, watching the output from his viewscreen.
Jordi: What's up, Deana?
Troy: I sense something is wrong.
Jordi: I'M feelin' fine!
Troy: No, it's with the Cop-tain. I sense hopelessness, fear, anguish.
Jordi: Why don't you go talk to HIM about it?
Troy: I can't find him.
Jordi: Computer, where is Captain Picard?
Computer: (squeaky noise) - Captain Picard is in the holodeck.
Jordi: He's still there? Uh-oh... Computer, abort holo-deck computer modulation coupling.
Computer: This will require complete flushing of the holo-deck execution buffers.
Jordi: Do it!
Meanwhile, back on the holo-deck...
All three crewmates are floating in the red syrup, now about twelve feet deep.
Jean Luc: I never thought I'd drown like a brekfast waffle! DAMN! How undignified!
Worf: As a Klingon, I shall meet death, no matter how nonsensical, with my eyes OPEN!
Just then, all the syrup vanishes, and the grid-covered walls of the holodeck are visible. They fall to the floor with a thud, and Worf winces in pain as he inspects his doubly-injured legs.
Jean Luc: COMPUTER! Get a medical team here, on the DOUBLE!
Computer: (squeak) Yes sir. Dr. Crusher has been alerted. Medical team enroute to the holodeck.
The doors slide open, and Jordi, Crusher, and Deana enter, looks of surprise on their faces.
Crusher: JEAN LUC! What happened?
Jean Luc: It's a long story. Just get Worf to sickbay, and fix up his legs.
Crusher: Yes.
She instructs the medics to carry the Klingon to sickbay, and soon Worf is wisked to safety. The Captain and Reiker are now standing there, covered with strawberry syrup.
Jean Luc: I'm going to take a nice, hot show-ah.
Reiker: As am I, Captain.
Troy looks puzzled at them.
Reiker: Oh, in SEPARATE stalls, of course!
The crew begins laughing, and sing-songy music plays as they realize that everything will be OK, that everything is ALWAYS OK in the end.
********************************************************************* *********************************************************************
Captain's Log, Stardate 30121992: Commander Rikah has beamed down to Tettlionophrockamalia, to witness the coronation of King Aka Ama Ala Aza Arrr the 1234th. He's acting in my stead, since I'm still a bit unsteady due to the malfunctioning of the holo-deck. Worf is resting well, and his legs are almost completely healed. I've been doing some reading on Starfleet history. I came upon passages relating the exploits and adventures of the crew of the first starship Enterprise, captained by the legendary James T. Kirk. Most of his core crewmembers went on to perform other legendary accomplishments, especially Admiral Spock, Mr. Scott (the ship's chief engineer, who helped US out of a jam recently), and Dr. McCoy. Following retirement, Kirk and crew evidently purchased a spacecraft and began their own adventures, free of the direction of Starfleet. During an encounter on the fabled planet of Eden, a place that Kirk and crew visited on four separate occasions, Kirk himself supposedly joined with the essence of a superbeing, one they knew as VGER. The crew (minus Kirk) returned in their humble ship and engaged in other endeavors, declaring Kirk as the only Starfleet officer to ever achieve true immortality.
Jean Luc closed the history book he was reading, setting it onto an end-table next to his bed.
Meanwhile, in Engineering...
Jordi: I've NEVER seen such strange decrystallization occurring on this kind of timescale.
Barkley: Well ... ummmmm ... maybe it's happened before, but we just didn't notice it!
Jordi: No, the computer alerted us to this problem. It would have monitored something like this before and done the same. Let's run some diagnostics on the crystals.
Barkley: Uuuuh, what are we looking for? (with a very timid look on his wide-eyed face).
Jordi: First, run a femtowave crystalline punctuation. Make sure to only look at right angles to the isodistortional planes, though. We don't want any contamination from cross-distortional fractalites.
Barkley: Aye ... sir.
Meanwhile, in sickbay...
Worf: You MUST realize Counselor Troy, that this is the FIRST defeat I have suffered from the beasts of Trimelgorn.
Troy: I understand, Worf. But you have to go on from here. You're a very BRAVE Klingon, deserving of decoration by the high Klingon Council. Trust me, when I say that only the malfunction of the computer made the beast so powerful.
Worf: Then I must ask myself ... did I program a WIMPY Trimelgorn into the program, to make it EASY to defeat? Have I softened to the point that I must concoct weak foes, against which I appear STRONG?
Troy: Of course not. I know you wouldn't do something so spineless, Worf.
Worf sighs and looks away to Crusher, who is busily dialing him up some new pain medication.
Meanwhile, on the planet below...
Riker: It's really nice of you to join me at the ceremony.
Guynan: You're very welcome. Thank YOU for inviting me! Why, I've never watched an alien coronation before.
Riker: Usually, they're pretty boring. But I hear that the natives have prepared some orbital antimatter fireworks to mark the occasion.
Alien trumpets sound, and they see numerous native life forms heading into a featureless, grey, domed structure, about a quarter mile in diameter. The aliens look relatively human, but with numerous sets of bumps and ridges on their heads, elbows, knees, noses, eyelids, and earlobes.
Just as Riker begins walking towards the dome, he sees a shuttle arriving, from which steps the king-to-be's daughter. His eyes light up.
Guynan: Keep your thoughts on the coronation, Will. Besides, you never know how a race views interbreeding with royalty.
Riker: Wait here. I HAVE to meet her.
Riker weasels his way towards her, through the brightly-clothed throng now heading noisily into the dome. Soon, he stands before her, and she looks to him. Her face is covered with a light, purple veil. Her eyes are heavily mascara'd, and Riker scans up and down her body. She is wearing a long, red veil, partially transparent, and she wears little bells on her ridged toes.
Riker: I am William Riker, first officer of the Federation Starship Enterprise. I'm so honored to make your aquaintance, your highness.
Princess: As I am you. I am Princess Nola-nilla-rilla-polla-Narr the 245th.
She holds forth her tanned hand, and Riker kisses it gently.
Riker: May I visit with you in private following the coronation?
Princess: PLEASE do. I will have one of my guards find you and bring you to me. Until then...
Riker: Until then...
He bows gently and backs away from her, smiling as he returns to Guynan.
Guynan: Well? When are you two going to rendezvous?
Riker: (rubbing his hands together) Right after the coronation.
Meanwhile, in Engineering...
Barkley: It looks like the crystals are literally coming apart at the seams, Jordi. I don't understand it.
Jordi: We've never seen ANYTHING like this before. Let's call the Captain. CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN, this is Jordi.
Jean Luc's tired face appears on the screen.
Jean Luc: Yes, Mistah LaFoooorge.
Jordi: The dilithium crystals are breaking down, sir. We don't know why, and the process appears to be irreversible.
Jean Luc: *sigh* How long until the crystals are ineffective?
Jordi: As little as four HOURS, Captain. FOUR HOURS!
Jean Luc: That means our orbit will begin to decay.
Barkley: And we'll fall to the planet surface! Oh, whadda we do, Captain?
Jean Luc: Calm Mistah Baaah-kley down, Mistah LaFoorge. Continue your analysis. Call Data down to aid in the process. Perhaps he could help.
Jordi: Good idea. LaForge out. DATA! Calling Commander DATA!
Data's blank face appears on the screen. The neck of his guitar appears on the screen next to him.
Data: Hello, Jordi. I have just made an incredible discovery. The sonic resonances of this guitar are quantized with respect to the positronic inputs in my auditory circuitry. I was able to reproduce two fundamentally different resonances, by observing the positions of my fingers on the frets, while perceiving empirically the EXACT same sound.
Jordi: We don't have time for that now, Data. I need you down here in Engineering. The dilithium crystals are undergoing spontaneous breakdown, and in 4 hours we'll be hitting the atmosphere.
Data: Why will we ... HIT ... the atmosphere?
Jordi: Our orbit will decay.
Data: If we are in zero-g freefall, why do we always need power to remain in orbit? This has eluded me for some time now, Jordi.
Jordi: I don't KNOW, Data! Just get down here on the double. Please...
Data: Very well. I shall arrive in five minutes. Data out.
Meanwhile, in Jean Luc's quarters...
Jean Luc: I certainly hope Jordi and Data can solve the dilithium problem. Perhaps Baah-kley will be a detriment to the effort, perhaps an asset. It's just too hard to tell with him.
Just then, we see a tiny glimmer of twinkling light. It has passed through the observation window in the Captain's quarters, and it buzzes around his cabin. As the Captain closes his eyes momentarily, it enters his head and disappears. The Captain's eye's snap open, and he slowly stands, his movements appearing very stiff and jerky.
Dramatic music as he slowly walks into the main corridor, clothed in his robe and long, red-and-white striped nightcap.
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Worf's personal journal, Stardate 31121992: After considerable effort to "cheer me up" over my defeat to the beasts of Trimelgorn, the Counselor has seen fit to urge me to battle the beasts again, tomorrow, on the holodeck. Hopefully, the computer will not malfunction during the battle, and I may righteously declare myself the victor.
Worf switches off his computer screen and climbs into bed. Just then, his doorbuzzer rings.
Worf: Enter.
The door slides open, and Jean Luc slowly hobbles in, still clothed in his robe and nightcap.
Worf: Is everything all RIGHT, Captain?
The Captain is silent, shuffling slowly to the Klingon's bedside.
Jean Luc: (completely monotone voice) - You must get into better physical shape, to defeat the ancient beasts of Trimelgorn.
Worf: I am READY! No further preparation is required.
Jean Luc: Nonsense. I can show you how to get yourself slim and limber again, before the battle.
Worf: How do you propose to do this?
Jean Luc: By playing primordial Klingon battle drums, and having you perform various physical exercises to the music.
Worf: Very well. I thought you were dealing with the problem in Engineering. I appreciate your concern, Captain.
Jean Luc: Computah. Commence with ancient tribal Klingon drum music.
Loud drumming sequences are heard, causing Worf's furniture to vibrate. The Klingon jumps to his feet, just as Jean Luc begans stiffly performing toe- touches. Worf follows suit, though his motions are not jerky.
Meanwhile, in Engineering...
Jordi: DAMN! Mr. Barkley, why did you do these femtowave scans in REVERSE order?
Barkley: Ummm... I'm sorry, sir ... I ... I didn't MEAN to make the error...
Jordi: Fix the data stream through the computer, PLEASE? Let me know when it's ready to look at. It should only take about five minutes.
Computer: (squeaking noises) Warning! Third crystal has failed completely.
Jordi: DAMN! Speed it up, Barkley!
Meanwhile, on the planet below...
Everyone is now seated in the dome, beneath the center of which sits a giant, golden throne. White-robed priests are escorting the king-to-be to the center of the dome. He is a powerfully built man, with a long, grey beard, and many rings on his fingers, despite the numerous ridges and bumps on his knuckles.
Riker: He looks like quite a guy, doesn't he?
Guynan: Yes, he certainly does. Perhaps he'll take a tour of the Enterprise later.
The king-to-be stops, and his aides remove a heavy robe that he is wearing. We now see that he is wearing some kind of super-tight girdle, with thick lacings. As his aides loosen the strings, Riker and Guynan watch in amazement as every native present, all of whom had looked healthfully slim, have removed their own robes. They are all undoing girdle-like clothing (like the king-to- be). As the girdles loosen, spongey flab takes over, and now they all look rather spherical, their fat loose and gelatinous. Beneath the girdles, they are all wearing brightly colored tunics.
Guynan: My GOD! Look how unfit these people are!
Riker: And it looks as if EVERYONE is like that! I hate to think what the PRINCESS looks like under HER girdle!
Guynan: CANCEL that date, Will! It's amazing though, that their arms, heads, and legs are normal. Only their mid-sections are flabby.
The prince is seated on the throne, and his fat flows to fill all corners of the chair. His aides depart, and music sounds from some hidden orchestra. It reminds Riker of New Orleans Jazz.
Meanwhile, in Engineering...
Barkley: (sneeze). Jordi, I've found some strange substance in the crystals. SNEEZE!
Jordi: What KIND of substance?
Barkley: I'm not sure yet. It looks like it might be a self-replicating protein sequence.
Jordi: PROTEIN?!?
Data: Precisely, Jordi. My analysis now proves that a strange, here-to-fore unseen VIRUS has infected the dilithium crystals. The virus attaches to the interstitial lattices in the crystal and constructs a miniature factory from the dilithium perchondriatic material. These small factories than create more of the virus.
Jordi: How do we get RID of the virus?
Data: Unknown. But I believe this virus pose cause some threat to HUMAN life as well.
Barkley: SNEEZE! That's unusual.
Jordi and Data look suspiciously at Barkley, who is now sneezing almost out of control.
Jordi: Crusher to Engineering! Crusher to Engineering! Emergency! Please bring along some virus identication hardware also.
Crusher's voice: I'm on my way.
Meanwhile, in Worf's quarters...
Jean Luc: One, two, three, one! One, two, three, two! Let's keep it up, Worf. Make those buns BURN with each rep! One, two, three, three!
Worf is doing the leg lifts as best he can. Jean Luc's motion has now become more graceful, as he continues his aerobic training of the Klingon officer.
Worf: My blood is BOILING with rage, now, Captain! I shall defeat the beasts of Trimelgorn utterly, leaving but scraps of their bodies on the holodeck!
Meanwhile, on the planet below...
The music has grown loud and ornate, and eerie, green lights focus on the throne. A glimmering, golden helmet is descending from the ceiling of the dome. It turns slowly as it drops towards the prince, who awaits the glorious moment of becoming ruler of an entire planet.
Riker: You'd think at least SOMEONE here could be into fitness!
Someone jabs his shoulder from behind, and Riker turns around, only to confront a very large and flabby native male.
Native: How DARE you insult us, off-worlder! At the very coronation of our beloved KING, you insult us!
Riker: Get on a treadmill, pal! Leave me alone!
The native shoves Riker, and a fight ensues. More natives jump in, and Guynan steps back to avoid the swinging fists. Guards rush forth, and the music stops. The prince stands up in anger, shaking his finger at them. The guards, dressed in bright blue, apprehend both Riker and Guynan, and they are hauled forward to the throne. As they walk down the wide, red-carpeted aisle amongst the crowd, the natives boo and jeer them. Soon they stand nervously before the throne. The crown has now settled upon the prince's head.
Crowd: ALL HAIL THE KING! ALL HAIL THE KING! RULER OF THE WORLD!
He motions for their silence.
King: You have desecrated our most sacred of ceremonies, off-worlders! You will pay for your disrespect! What is the offense?
Guard: They believe us to be FAT, and UNFIT, my king.
King: Don't you realize how uncomfortable it is to wear these clothes? Don't you think we look with envy upon the rest of the galaxy, every race getting thin, fit, and lean, except for US? Don't you think it hurts, when we diet and diet and still can't lose an OUNCE?
Guynan: We're sorry for offending--
King: SILENCE! You will be punished severely for this! Guards, take them to the prison!
The crowd cheers, and Riker struggles.
Riker: What is going to happen to us?
King: You will be fed, and fed well, until you are as FAT and FLABBY as the rest of us!
The crowd jeers as they are led away.
Meanwhile, in Engineering...
Crusher passes various detectors over Barkley, then the dilithium chamber.
Crusher: Yes, both you AND the crystals have the same virus. You probably infected the crystals by touching them.
Barkley: I DID adjust them earlier today.
Jordi: If I've told you ONCE, I've told you a THOUSAND times, Barkley! DON'T TOUCH THOSE CRYSTALS!
Data: Can you administer a cure, Dr. Crusher?
Crusher: I don't think so. This virus is unlike anything I've ever seen before.
Barkley: GREAT! And then I'll probably die.
Crusher: We'll ALL die, if we can't stay in orbit! How long do the crystals have?
Jordi: About another hour, at best.
Data: Whereupon the strange, inexplicable "decay of our orbit" will commence.
Dramatic music as we see the worry on their faces. Even more dramatic music as we see Jean Luc putting Worf through a GRUELING set of 50 push-ups.
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Chief Doctor's Log, Stardate 04011993: I am VERY worried about this new virus that has infected both the ship's dilithium crystals and Mr. Barkley. I've tried to raise Jean Luc in his quarters and on the bridge, but I have had no luck in finding him.
Crusher: Computer, locate the Captain for me, please?
Computer: (squeak) - Captain Picard is in Worf's quarters, on deck 3.
Crusher: Computer, patch me through to Worf's quarters.
Computer: Done.
Crusher: Jean Luc, can you hear me? This is Beverly!
There is no reply.
Crusher: Computer, give me a visual and audio on Worf's quarters, medical priority 1.
On her viewer screen, she suddenly sees Jean Luc, doing a brisk set of jumping jacks. His face is covered with sweat. Standing in front of him, Crusher sees Worf, also doing jumping jacks, his muscles now bulging from the tremendous aerobic workout.
Jean Luc: One thousand - DOWN! One thousand one - DOWN! One thousand two - DOWN!
Crusher: Jean Luc! Can you hear me, Jean Luc?!?
Jean Luc pays her no attention but continues the jumping jacks.
Crusher: WORF! Can you hear me, Worf?
Worf: (Still jumping) Yes, Dr. Crusher, I can hear you. Continue.
Crusher: The Captain appears to be in some strange, altered state! Why isn't he in Engineering, helping to solve the dilithium crystal decay problem?
Worf: I don't know! He came to my quarters HOURS ago, demanding that I do physical exercises to help me ready myself for the battle with the Beasts of Trimelgorn!
Crusher: DAMN! The dilithium crystals will be GONE in a matter of a few hours, Worf! Our orbit will decay! Also, I've found that some unknown virus is causing the decay, and the virus is also affecting Mr. Barkley! The whole crew might get sick! Perhaps DIE!
Worf: Understood! Commander Picard! Commander Picard!
The Captain continues doing jumping jacks.
Worf: Captain Picard! We must END this aerobics session! Computer, switch off Klingon drum music!
The music ends, and now Worf sees Jean Luc, doing jumping jacks in silence. he is still counting, now up to 1050.
Worf stops the jumping jacks, and Jean Luc's eyes lock onto Worf's
Jean Luc: Mr. Worf, con-TIN-ue the jumping-jacks! NOW!
Worf: What should I do, Dr. Crusher? Jean Luc is ORDERING me to continue!
Crusher: Computer, do a quick brain scan on the Captain. Anything unusual?
Computer: (squeak) - The Captain's alpha and gamma wave patterns are highly confused. Fourier deconvolution reveals DUAL patterns, both striving for dominance.
Crusher: Then, perhaps an alien intelligence is inhabiting the Captain!
Worf: I hope NOT, doctor! In any case, I MUST force him to desist from the aerobics session.
Worf walks up to Jean Luc, holding his hands down so that he can't do any more jumping jacks.
Jean Luc: (monotone) You must permit me to continue. The Beasts of Trimelgorn must be defeated.
Worf: WHY?
Jean Luc: Your self-image depends on this. You must defeat the beast to be fulfilled.
Worf: Whatever or whoever you are, I DEMAND that you leave Captain Picard!
Jean Luc begins quaking, his eyelids quivering, his limbs turning into jello. Beverly watches on with astonishment, as the Captain is soon foaming at the mouth. He falls to the floor, and it looks like he's having a seizure. This only lasts for a second or two, until, suddenly, the strange twinkle of light emerges from his forehead. The Captain is left sleeping peacefully on the deck. The twinkle passes through the wall, and Worf sees it out in space, through the observation window. In a flash, it descends towards the planet surface.
Worf: CAPTAIN! Captain, please awaken!
Jean Luc slowly stirs to wakefulness. His eyes look surprised.
Jean Luc: Where AM I, Mistah Woooorf! Why am I not in my quarters? I was sleeping there!
Worf: You were inhabited by an alien intelligence. This entity forced you to enter my quarters and put me through an intensive aerobics exercise routine.
Jean Luc: I'm sorry, Worf. I guess I should return to my OWN bed, howev-ah.
Worf: The ship's dilithium crystals are quickly disintegrating, Captain. They will be destroyed in several hours. The doctor believes a virus to be responsible. It is also affecting Mr. Barkley, and it might infect the rest of the crew.
Jean Luc: Good GOD, MAN!
Dramatic music as the Captain begins running to Engineering, still wearing his sleepwear.
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Captain's Log, Stardate 05011993: Upon arriving in Engineering, I found that the dilithium crystals, overtaken with some strange virus, are undergoing complete breakdown. We MUST find some way to halt this process. Mistah Baaaaah-kley seems to be the culprit in all of this, and I'm wondering if we shouldn't drop him off at the nearest starbase.
Jean Luc: Doctah Crush-ah, is there ANY way we could sterilize the crystals of the virus?
Crusher: I don't know of any.
Data: What about the transporter? Could we beam the crystals away and back to the Enterprise, filtering out anything that doesn't represent pure, dilithiate structure?
Jordi: BRILLIANT, Data! Captain, we'll have to take the warp power completely off line to do this. If it works, we'll be back online within the hour. If it FAILS, then we've got problems.
Jean Luc: Make it so, Mistah LaFooorge.
Meanwhile, on the planet below...
Riker: Blech, I HATE this crap!
Guard: EAT of it! It will make you soft and pudgy, like the REST of us!
Riker: What IS it? (grimace on his face as he holds a wooden bowl full of white paste)
Guard: It is our main dietary staple -- Ganin.
Guynan: And what is Ganin made from? It tastes incredibly greasy.
Guard: Ganin is made from the fat from the underbelly of the Terskix, a large work animal that we also slaughter for meat.
Riker: You mean you people eat several POUNDS of this stuff each day? What else do you eat?
Guard: Little else. Sometimes, we melt this substance, flavoring it in various ways, to offer some variety to our diet.
Guynan: Didn't your mom ever tell you to eat your vegetables? What about spinach?
Riker: Or brussel sprouts?
Guynan: Or broccoli, carrots, and cabbage?
Guard: These substances are FOREIGN to us. Now, EAT!
The guard, clad in leather armor, aims his small but sharp sword at them, and Riker slowly nibbles on one spoonful of the whitish lard.
>From outside their dark, stone cell, illuminated only by torchlight, they hear the cheers of the people for their new king.
The scene switches to the end of the coronation ceremony, as the king bows slightly to his people. His motion is severely limited by his huge potbelly.
King: I will make this the greatest planet in all the GALAXY! But, alas, I would like, if nothing else, to make us all healthy and slim.
Just then, we see the twinkle of light descending towards him. He catches sight of it, just as it settles onto his head. In another second,